sister/bridesmaid issue

callyfc4123

Hi all!  I would like some advice on an issue i'm currently experiencing.  Sorry in advance if it's slightly long.  Here goes....

I'm getting married in Oct. 2015 and have asked 4 girls, one is my sister, to be my BMs and my future step-daughter (7yrs. old) to be my Jr. BM.  I made them each a cute little box with gifts and a card to present to them when I asked.  When my sister opened the box, I explained to her that I am not having a MOH because I want my suture step daughter to feel just as important as the big girls and have the same 'title' as everyone else.  I was worried that this might cause a slight issue, but that's why I explained the situation to my sister, she said she understood...so I thought.  

Later that day, we (my, mom, sister and another BM) went shopping for my dress.  After we found 'THE ONE' we were walking down the street to get some lunch and I overheard my sister complaining to my mom that, "I guess I'll never get to be a MOH".  If there weren't people around, I would have let her have it.  But I kept my cool and my mouth remained shut.  My mom told her to drop the issue as well.  

Now, onto the BM dress issue...I asked each girl their $ constraints and thoughts on dresses.  I told them my only requests were color (navy) and the dress needed to have a matching or near identical jr. BM version (again, to make my step-daughter feel the same).  I picked a few options, some short, some long, some strapless and some with straps and sent all the BMs an email with the dress options.  Everyone said all options are great and whatever everyone was most comfortable in would be the pick.  The day before our appointment, my sister sent me texts of dresses she found and liked (no matching Jr.BM dress and even out of her own stated price range!!!)  I explained to her that the dress was identical to one I had sent her, didn't have and matching Jr. BM dress, and was even out of price range she stated!!  Her response, "oh, I didn't know that a matching Jr. BM dress was a deal breaker."  um, hello?  I explained this to you via emails and have had a conversation with you regarding wanting my future step-daughter to feel just as important as everyone else, hence the no MOH. 

Day of dress shopping, the girls decided on a dress.  My one BM (who lives out of state) even agreed over video chat and loved the dress!  That day, my sister didn't order the dress because she didn't have the money to do so.  Ok, no problem, we have plenty of time to order.  Fast forward to Christmas and my out-of-state BM was home and we went to get her sized and ordered.  The girl at the dress store informed us that the dress was being discontinued and my sister still hadn't ordered.  Her size was no longer available and would have to be ordered larger.  I sent her a text with this information (not demanding, but I told her the situation) and again, her response was no money around Christmas and she was going to wait for her income tax to order.  

I don't think my sister is going to be able to order this dress and she's been ridiculously rude at every step of this planning process so far.  Yes, we've had issues in the past, but she is my sister and I would like her to be part of our day.  I've tried being the mature, reasonable one and I think that I've been doing things 'the right way' so far, but please let me know if there is something I'm missing!!!  Is it me?  Is she just a b*tch?  What do I do?  If she can't order, should she be out?  Help!     

thespeshulestsnowflake

Well, the only negative I can see that you did was to tell your sister why she wasn't MOH (unless she asked about it). Her response, however, is extremely childish and bitchy. How old is she? At this point, if she doesn't order the dress she has taken herself out of the wedding party since all she needs to do is buy a dress and show up sober. If she wants to be a child, let her. Also, your mom seems to be on your side about it, but try not to let her come in between this, it won't end well for anyone.

zitiqueen

callyfc4123 said:

Hi all!  I would like some advice on an issue i'm currently experiencing.  Sorry in advance if it's slightly long.  Here goes....

I'm getting married in Oct. 2015 and have asked 4 girls, one is my sister, to be my BMs and my future step-daughter (7yrs. old) to be my Jr. BM.  I made them each a cute little box with gifts and a card to present to them when I asked.  When my sister opened the box, I explained to her that I am not having a MOH because I want my suture step daughter to feel just as important as the big girls and have the same 'title' as everyone else.  I was worried that this might cause a slight issue, but that's why I explained the situation to my sister, she said she understood...so I thought.  

Later that day, we (my, mom, sister and another BM) went shopping for my dress.  After we found 'THE ONE' we were walking down the street to get some lunch and I overheard my sister complaining to my mom that, "I guess I'll never get to be a MOH".  If there weren't people around, I would have let her have it.  But I kept my cool and my mouth remained shut.  My mom told her to drop the issue as well.  

Now, onto the BM dress issue...I asked each girl their $ constraints and thoughts on dresses.  I told them my only requests were color (navy) and the dress needed to have a matching or near identical jr. BM version (again, to make my step-daughter feel the same).  I picked a few options, some short, some long, some strapless and some with straps and sent all the BMs an email with the dress options.  Everyone said all options are great and whatever everyone was most comfortable in would be the pick.  The day before our appointment, my sister sent me texts of dresses she found and liked (no matching Jr.BM dress and even out of her own stated price range!!!)  I explained to her that the dress was identical to one I had sent her, didn't have and matching Jr. BM dress, and was even out of price range she stated!!  Her response, "oh, I didn't know that a matching Jr. BM dress was a deal breaker."  um, hello?  I explained this to you via emails and have had a conversation with you regarding wanting my future step-daughter to feel just as important as everyone else, hence the no MOH. 

Day of dress shopping, the girls decided on a dress.  My one BM (who lives out of state) even agreed over video chat and loved the dress!  That day, my sister didn't order the dress because she didn't have the money to do so.  Ok, no problem, we have plenty of time to order.  Fast forward to Christmas and my out-of-state BM was home and we went to get her sized and ordered.  The girl at the dress store informed us that the dress was being discontinued and my sister still hadn't ordered.  Her size was no longer available and would have to be ordered larger.  I sent her a text with this information (not demanding, but I told her the situation) and again, her response was no money around Christmas and she was going to wait for her income tax to order.  

I don't think my sister is going to be able to order this dress and she's been ridiculously rude at every step of this planning process so far.  Yes, we've had issues in the past, but she is my sister and I would like her to be part of our day.  I've tried being the mature, reasonable one and I think that I've been doing things 'the right way' so far, but please let me know if there is something I'm missing!!!  Is it me?  Is she just a b*tch?  What do I do?  If she can't order, should she be out?  Help!     

So you're calling all of your girls junior bridesmaids? That's a unique twist.

Hint: don't call her a junior bridesmaid. Just call her a bridesmaid.

Teddy917

Three problems here:
1. You shouldn't have told your sister why she wasn't MOH.
2. If you want your daughter to feel like she's the same as everyone else, drop the junior part. She'll be doing the same as the other BMs.
3. If the dress that she found was truly identical, I don't see why you couldn't just let her get it.

callyfc4123

I saw the look on my sister's face when she saw the word 'bridesmaid' on the card in her 'will you be my bridesmaid box'  I felt the proper and adult thing to do was talk to her about my decision to avoid drama and hurt feelings.  I knew she assumed that she would be my MOH since we are the only siblings and I was her MOH.   

I assumed Jr. title was just because of age, but you're right, having her be a bridesmaid is the same thing, so I will drop the Jr.  

As for the picture my sister sent me...it was identical to an option in the beginning- not the dress the girls decided on in the end.  

Teddy917

callyfc4123 said:

I saw the look on my sister's face when she saw the word 'bridesmaid' on the card in her 'will you be my bridesmaid box'  I felt the proper and adult thing to do was talk to her about my decision to avoid drama and hurt feelings.  I knew she assumed that she would be my MOH since we are the only siblings and I was her MOH.   

I assumed Jr. title was just because of age, but you're right, having her be a bridesmaid is the same thing, so I will drop the Jr.  

As for the picture my sister sent me...it was identical to an option in the beginning- not the dress the girls decided on in the end.  

I'm glad you decided to drop the Jr. I guess I misunderstood the dress. If you really want your sister in the wedding, maybe just let her pick a dress that's similar, since the one you picked is no longer available. It'll hopefully be less drama that way.

ou81also

I think technically you'll need an MOH and a BM to sign as your witnesses, i did and my underage sister and Jewish best friend could not sign on a catholic document so i had to use the third girl down (the only other catholic in my bridal party besides my SIL) so someone may have to be held up as an "MOH" type anyway.

I commend you for trying to make your future SD feel overly included but she's 7. I've been married for almost 14 years I have an 11 & 9 yo. She is very young. Almost too young to understand what you're trying to do for her. And if you had made your sister the MOH one important thing thing you'd be teaching your SD is how much you love your sister, how important family is and maybe your sister and her future niece would have bonded. Now you sister may even hold some contempt for the little girl. Hopefully not but at the very least your SD may overhear something and think she's the cause of the squabble.

As a parent, I'm the parent. I'm not my kids friend. I feel like you are trying to be her friend more than the parent (or step-parent)? Is that possible? I bet she feels plenty special just even being in the wedding! What little girl wouldn't!!!

Is your future hubby having a Best Man? What are you doing during the vows? Who will hold the rings? Your bouquet? these are all MOH/BM responsibilities. You could have avoided all of this by making your sister the MOH, making the SD a jr bridesmaid (yes, due to age) but when everyone is together just say "I'm with my girls!" Or "heres the bridal party!". Your SD isn't going to be able to go to a bachelorette party either. My sister wasn't. I don't think she have it a second thought. She was 14.

Regarding the dresses. You can't expect a 7 year olds dress and a 20-something's dress to be identical! A 7 year old is in 1st grade! Oh lord. I volunteer at school as much as I can and I see what these girls wear! They love little girl things! Esp 1st graders. I bet if she could have picked out her own special dress she would have loved it!!!

I'm hoping this doesn't come off as harsh, I'm just trying to be honest. Try to keep an open mind. Your sister and SD will be with your for the rest of your life! You've got 10 months left. That's plenty of time to order different dresses (and make someone an MOH). P.S. why are you ordering dresses so far in advance? I'm with your sis on the whole Christmas thing. Esp since your wedding isn't until next fall.

Teddy917

ou81also said:

I think technically you'll need an MOH and a BM to sign as your witnesses, i did and my underage sister and Jewish best friend could not sign on a catholic document so i had to use the third girl down (the only other catholic in my bridal party besides my SIL) so someone may have to be held up as an "MOH" type anyway.

I commend you for trying to make your future SD feel overly included but she's 7. I've been married for almost 14 years I have an 11 & 9 yo. She is very young. Almost too young to understand what you're trying to do for her. And if you had made your sister the MOH one important thing thing you'd be teaching your SD is how much you love your sister, how important family is and maybe your sister and her future niece would have bonded. Now you sister may even hold some contempt for the little girl. Hopefully not but at the very least your SD may overhear something and think she's the cause of the squabble.

As a parent, I'm the parent. I'm not my kids friend. I feel like you are trying to be her friend more than the parent (or step-parent)? Is that possible? I bet she feels plenty special just even being in the wedding! What little girl wouldn't!!!

Is your future hubby having a Best Man? What are you doing during the vows? Who will hold the rings? Your bouquet? these are all MOH/BM responsibilities. You could have avoided all of this by making your sister the MOH, making the SD a jr bridesmaid (yes, due to age) but when everyone is together just say "I'm with my girls!" Or "heres the bridal party!". Your SD isn't going to be able to go to a bachelorette party either. My sister wasn't. I don't think she have it a second thought. She was 14.

Regarding the dresses. You can't expect a 7 year olds dress and a 20-something's dress to be identical! A 7 year old is in 1st grade! Oh lord. I volunteer at school as much as I can and I see what these girls wear! They love little girl things! Esp 1st graders. I bet if she could have picked out her own special dress she would have loved it!!!

I'm hoping this doesn't come off as harsh, I'm just trying to be honest. Try to keep an open mind. Your sister and SD will be with your for the rest of your life! You've got 10 months left. That's plenty of time to order different dresses (and make someone an MOH). P.S. why are you ordering dresses so far in advance? I'm with your sis on the whole Christmas thing. Esp since your wedding isn't until next fall.

Typically, yes, the MOH holds the bouquet, signs the license etc. But she can ask someone to do that without designating a MOH. And the Jr part is pointless. Yeah she's young, she knows that, but adding Jr. to the title doesn't change the fact that she walks down the aisle in a pretty dress, like all the other BMs.
Regarding the Bach party, unless it's a clubbing or penis-themed, she actually can attend.

OliveOilsMom

Teddy917 said:

I think technically you'll need an MOH and a BM to sign as your witnesses, i did and my underage sister and Jewish best friend could not sign on a catholic document so i had to use the third girl down (the only other catholic in my bridal party besides my SIL) so someone may have to be held up as an "MOH" type anyway. I commend you for trying to make your future SD feel overly included but she's 7. I've been married for almost 14 years I have an 11 & 9 yo. She is very young. Almost too young to understand what you're trying to do for her. And if you had made your sister the MOH one important thing thing you'd be teaching your SD is how much you love your sister, how important family is and maybe your sister and her future niece would have bonded. Now you sister may even hold some contempt for the little girl. Hopefully not but at the very least your SD may overhear something and think she's the cause of the squabble. As a parent, I'm the parent. I'm not my kids friend. I feel like you are trying to be her friend more than the parent (or step-parent)? Is that possible? I bet she feels plenty special just even being in the wedding! What little girl wouldn't!!! Is your future hubby having a Best Man? What are you doing during the vows? Who will hold the rings? Your bouquet? these are all MOH/BM responsibilities. You could have avoided all of this by making your sister the MOH, making the SD a jr bridesmaid (yes, due to age) but when everyone is together just say "I'm with my girls!" Or "heres the bridal party!". Your SD isn't going to be able to go to a bachelorette party either. My sister wasn't. I don't think she have it a second thought. She was 14. Regarding the dresses. You can't expect a 7 year olds dress and a 20-something's dress to be identical! A 7 year old is in 1st grade! Oh lord. I volunteer at school as much as I can and I see what these girls wear! They love little girl things! Esp 1st graders. I bet if she could have picked out her own special dress she would have loved it!!! I'm hoping this doesn't come off as harsh, I'm just trying to be honest. Try to keep an open mind. Your sister and SD will be with your for the rest of your life! You've got 10 months left. That's plenty of time to order different dresses (and make someone an MOH). P.S. why are you ordering dresses so far in advance? I'm with your sis on the whole Christmas thing. Esp since your wedding isn't until next fall.

Typically, yes, the MOH holds the bouquet, signs the license etc. But she can ask someone to do that without designating a MOH. And the Jr part is pointless. Yeah she's young, she knows that, but adding Jr. to the title doesn't change the fact that she walks down the aisle in a pretty dress, like all the other BMs. Regarding the Bach party, unless it's a clubbing or penis-themed, she actually can attend.

Many of the things you think are issues are not actually an issue.  Anyone can sign a marriage license, it is a legal document, so the only requirement is being 18.  It's possible because your marriage happened a bit ago, but I had a Catholic ceremony and it did not matter the religious affiliation of the witnesses.  Perhaps you were married in a more conservative parish.

And people under 18 can attend bachelorette parties, depending on the content of the party.  My 9 year old, at the time, niece attend the dinner portion of the night, with the various attendees knowing a 9 year old was going to be there.  My mom took her home after dinner and the rest of the ladies went out to a bar.

To the OP - Instead of explaining why you weren't having an MOH, you should have simply said, "I decided to not have an MOH."  Giving an explanation as to why, gave your sister an opening to be dismissive of your explanation.  She probably wondered why she wasn't more important than a 7 year old.

You also were looking entirely too early for a BM dress.  You should have ordered the BM dresses about 6 months in advance.  You should have only started looking for them now.  You have an OOT BM, but she could have ordered the dress where she was at any salon.  Or she could have been measured by a seamstress in her town and phoned in her numbers to the salon ordering the dresses.  Or you could have saved yourself a lot of headaches if you just found a line of dresses that included Jr BM dresses and told your girls to order any dress from x designer, in y fabric, and in color z.

A question though, where are you getting these dresses from?  Typically you cannot "run out" of sizes for dresses that are made to order.

Lastly, if you can perhaps you can pay the deposit on your sister's dress, if you feel so strongly about having her in the wedding.  If you don't care, then just wait for her to order.  If she doesn't order the proper dress, then she has taken herself out of the wedding.

Maggie0829

ou81also said:

I think technically you'll need an MOH and a BM to sign as your witnesses.

Actually anyone who witnesses the ceremony can sign the document (a legal adult). And that is if you need witnesses to sign the document. For my state all I needed was my officiant to sign it.  And a marriage license is a government document, not a Catholic document so any legal adult can sign it.  Most likely your officiant would not allow someone who was not Catholic to sign it.

callyfc4123

We were shopping early because one of my BM is pregnant and we all agreed (sister included) that shopping sooner rather than later would be best, since she would have been very pregnant when the 6 mo. out came along and was worried about guessing sizing.  She will have the baby before the wedding.  

The issue with the whole title and dress (and maybe I wasn't clear) my future step daughter stated that she didnt want to be a flower girl, since she has already been one.  We (my fiance and I) thought that by having her be a Jr. Maid and all other girls be BM, she wouldn't feel slighted that she wasn't chosen as my maid of honor.  We (albeit, wrongly) assumed my sister, the adult, would understand our decision of having no MOH better than a 7 yr. old not understanding why she wasn't chosen as a MOH.  We tried making a decision that pleased everyone involved to the best of our abilities.  That's the plan we came up with. 

Our BM dresses were ordered from David's Bridal...so yes, they do discontinue styles and apparently run out of sizes because that's what I was told at the store.  

My concern is about my sister and her words and actions - nothing about the bachelorette party (I could care less if I even have one) and I don't really give a hoot who signs my marriage license.  

My sister complained about my decision literally behind my back to my mother on the day I asked her to help me pick a wedding gown(clearly a sign that she doesn't deserve to be MOH in the first place). I'm tired of her behavior and the dress situation is just the icing on the cake of issues.  If she doesn't get a dress (all other girls have theirs already) what do I do?      

Maggie0829

callyfc4123 said:

We were shopping early because one of my BM is pregnant and we all agreed (sister included) that shopping sooner rather than later would be best, since she would have been very pregnant when the 6 mo. out came along and was worried about guessing sizing.  She will have the baby before the wedding.  

The issue with the whole title and dress (and maybe I wasn't clear) my future step daughter stated that she didnt want to be a flower girl, since she has already been one.  We (my fiance and I) thought that by having her be a Jr. Maid and all other girls be BM, she wouldn't feel slighted that she wasn't chosen as my maid of honor.  We (albeit, wrongly) assumed my sister, the adult, would understand our decision of having no MOH better than a 7 yr. old not understanding why she wasn't chosen as a MOH.  We tried making a decision that pleased everyone involved to the best of our abilities.  That's the plan we came up with. 

Our BM dresses were ordered from David's Bridal...so yes, they do discontinue styles and apparently run out of sizes because that's what I was told at the store.  

My concern is about my sister and her words and actions - nothing about the bachelorette party (I could care less if I even have one) and I don't really give a hoot who signs my marriage license.  

My sister complained about my decision literally behind my back to my mother on the day I asked her to help me pick a wedding gown(clearly a sign that she doesn't deserve to be MOH in the first place). I'm tired of her behavior and the dress situation is just the icing on the cake of issues.  If she doesn't get a dress (all other girls have theirs already) what do I do?      

If she doesn't get the dress then she has removed herself from the wedding.  If that happens invite her like you would any other guest.

Your sister is being silly.  A BM or MOH, both do the same thing...buy the dress and show up ready to walk down an aisle and smile for photos on your wedding day.  If she wants to throw a fit because she didn't get the title she wanted then let her act a fool and just focus on your wedding plans.  She will either get over it or she will continue to act like the immature person she is being. You can't change how some acts. The only thing you have control over is how you react to their behavior.

thespeshulestsnowflake

Would you have chosen your sister to be your MOH if your FSD was not there? If not, she needs to get over it. If so, I think it is silly that you are letting the 7 yo call the shots here. Yes it is nice you allowed her to be one of your BMs but her being upset that she is not the MOH when someone else it is ridiculous. Writing it out it seems like her and your sister are acting the same age. Where I can get a 7 yo being upset but your sister? How old is she?

Maggie0829

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

Would you have chosen your sister to be your MOH if your FSD was not there? If not, she needs to get over it. If so, I think it is silly that you are letting the 7 yo call the shots here. Yes it is nice you allowed her to be one of your BMs but her being upset that she is not the MOH when someone else it is ridiculous. Writing it out it seems like her and your sister are acting the same age. Where I can get a 7 yo being upset but your sister? How old is she?

I also agree with this.  If you didn't pick your sister to be your MOH just so your FSD wouldn't get her feelings hurt, well this would have been a great teaching moment for your FSD to learn that she won't always get what she wants in life.

Bubblegum5586

scribe95 said:

Do I think your sister is being a little oversensitive? Yes. But honestly I find your reasoning kind of ridiculous. Your future step daughter is 7. It is not necessary for her to be a bridesmaid and match exactly etc. When I got married my stepdaughter was the flower girl and she was overjoyed. 

I agree that your sister isn't reacting in the best way... but I don't blame her for being hurt. I think having your FSD call the shots isn't the best start to this new life you are planning.

Including your FSD in the wedding is great and having her be a BM is great too (although I don't think 7 is too old for a FG!). But to not NOT give a MOH title just to appease her doesn't seem right. I might have missed something but all I read was that she DIDN'T want to be a FG. I don't see how this should affect the MOH title at all. I don't know the history between you and your sister, but I would never have done that to my sister and I would hope she doesn't to me! 

She made it clear she didn't' have money right now, and it's not her fault the dress is being discontinued. I think you should cover the deposit whether a loan or a gift.