Mother in Law troubles.. already :(

lexyV

First off let me start by saying I love my future MIL and she and I have an  amazing relationship and always have. Well after five years of this easy relationship I think that it is finally coming to an end.
I announced our engagement which she already knew about and she was thrilled. However her mood quickly changed when the planning begun.
My fiance and I recently moved to Missouri from California and his family still lives there, including his mother. Because WE live here and WE are paying for everything in our wedding we thought it only seemed natural to have our wedding here. Well once she heard of this she flipped out. She ended up calling my fiance and trying to guilt trip him into changing it by bringing up his handicapped brother and how he may not feel well to fly. (This was our FIRST worry and we talked to him before we went further with any planning and he said he would be there no matter what and to not worry about him) I love my FMIL and don't want her to hate me after all of this. I was just wondering if ya'll could give me some advice on how to handle this situaiton? Thank you!

mikenberger

If she chooses to hate just you out of the couple of you and your FI, you've had problems for quite some time. This is just the catalyst for it to show up. Your fiance should handle his mother and find out what her problem is. She may just be very upset that you've moved to MO from CA. 

lexyV

While on the phone my fiance told her that we had discussed this and that there was no way we were going to try and plan a wedding from another state. I'm hoping she will cool down and accept that it is our decision, Thank you for your reply.

flantastic

mikenberger said:

If she chooses to hate just you out of the couple of you and your FI, you've had problems for quite some time. This is just the catalyst for it to show up. Your fiance should handle his mother and find out what her problem is. She may just be very upset that you've moved to MO from CA. 

Yep. It's possible that she blames you for taking her baby boy away from her, although it was obviously a joint decision. As long as your FI is backing you up, just ride it out.

climbingsingle

You should just proceed like you are - let your FI handle his mother. Don't get involved. She'll most likely get over it eventually. 

southernbelle0915

Sounds familiar. My ILs tried to convince us to move our wedding 1,000+ miles to where they live. They weren't contributing a dime and we basically said "thanks for your input but the wedding will be here". They flipped. Lots of " how could you?" "What about (insert non-issue)?" And even saying we were betraying them and DH was losing his identity. We repeated the same thing and let them steam.

Not much else you can do but keep calmly telling them what will happen. You don't owe them an explanation. Also, let your FI handle his family so that there aren't lasting scars on you.

lovegood90

As long as you and your FI are on the same page with wedding decisions, let him deal with his family and you deal with yours going forward. That way you're out of it and he can deal with any of her issues.

banana468

I think this is really common.   Parents think that they're in control and that the wedding is an extension of THEM and therefore near them.   Unfortunately life doesn't work that way and it can be a huge wake up call to realize that the person you raised is a fully functioning adult with a mind of his own.

I just recommend bean dipping and avoiding wedding planning talk for now.   When it does come up, change the subject or be matter of fact.   

AddieCake

As long as your fiance continues to handle his family and have your back, I wouldn't worry about it. 

ShesSoCold

AddieCake said:

As long as your fiance continues to handle his family and have your back, I wouldn't worry about it. 

This. Avoid talking to her about wedding planning and if you can't, be firm. I've learned that dealing with entitled family members is similar to raising a kid or training a puppy. Give an inch, they take a mile. Give zero inches. 

lexyV

Thank you so much. It helps knowing I'm not the only one who has had to deal with something like this.

lexyV

Thank you all so much for all of the advice, I really needed that boost of confidence lol

Jen4948

One other thing: Your FI needs to make clear to his mother that you two are a team, and she cannot treat you with disrespect or hold you solely responsible for decisions you make together that she doesn't like. I agree with your letting him handle her if he's doing that, and it sounds like he is.

Maggie0829

Sounds like she just doesn't want to travel and is trying to bully you into moving the wedding location to Cali.  As long as you and your FI are on the same page then that is all that matters.

SP29

Agreed- you and FI present a united front and he always deals with his parents. However, keep wedding discussion to a minimum, if any. Send them their invitation and it's up to them to decide to come or not. 

kmmssg

Agree with the advice you have already been given.  Sometimes parents have had a "vision" in their head for many years about how and where their kids will get married.  This isn't her vision, but in time she will get over it.  I should know as I have watched 4 daughters go down the aisle!  You are handling it beautifully.  Give her time and do what you are doing.  She will come around.