Do I have to invite his best friend?

Knottie88435547

My fiance's best friend and the guy he wanted to be his best man if he ever got married (who I never met in high school), is privy to information about me over the course of fiance and I's friendship and relationship, and had formed a negative opinion about me long before meeting me. I naively thought it might change once he got to know me, and was eventually under the impression that it had. However, he has recently made his disapproval of our engagement and dislike of me very clear. I told my fiance I was no longer comfortable with him being a part of the wedding as his best man as he was not even happy for his sake, but that it was ultimately up to him. However, in light of more recent interactions (including him actively trying to convince my fiance to break up with me), I can't say I really want him at the wedding at all. I don't trust him to be civil and thinking about him at all makes me feel angry and sick. There's still well over a year before the wedding, so the situation might improve before then, but if it doesn't, or if it gets worse, do I have to invite him? If he isn't invited then he's sure to make it look like I'm a crazy, manipulative b-- trying to separate my fiance from his friends, and I'll feel like I'm being selfish for not wanting him there when it might make my fiance happier. If he is invited and declines, then my fiance's feelings will be hurt. If he is invited and comes, I'm going to be annoyed. I want to be bigger than the problem and just invite him then ignore him if he does show, but it's hard to be happy when you're hated by someone that close to the person you're marrying... (sorry for the length)

whovianstark

As frustrating as this is I don't think you have a choice, it is your FI's wedding too and he gets to invite people. I think it is up to your FI

KatieinBkln

Listen, it sounds like this is all really raw and emotional right now.

The good news is, your wedding is over a year away. Do not worry about the guest list.

Worry instead about why your fiance is okay with counting someone who treats you poorly as his "best friend." And by worry, I mean: ask him WTF is going on with his friend. If the answer isn't "I have no idea, but he's being a dick and I told him to knock it off" then I'm afraid you'll know where you stand. I hope your man does right by you. In the meantime, deep breaths.

AddieCake

What does your fiance say?

whovianstark

I agree with the PP , you have every right to talk to your FI and find out what is going on.

bethsmiles

Your wedding is over a year away, at this point you don't need to worry about whether or not to invite him. What you do need to worry about is your FI. Why does he allow him to talk badly about you? Why is he friends with someone who doesn't respect the woman he loves or his relationship?

Talk to your FI ASAP!

esstee33

Knottie88435547 said:

My fiance's best friend and the guy he wanted to be his best man if he ever got married (who I never met in high school), is privy to information about me over the course of fiance and I's friendship and relationship, and had formed a negative opinion about me long before meeting me. I naively thought it might change once he got to know me, and was eventually under the impression that it had. However, he has recently made his disapproval of our engagement and dislike of me very clear. I told my fiance I was no longer comfortable with him being a part of the wedding as his best man as he was not even happy for his sake, but that it was ultimately up to him. However, in light of more recent interactions (including him actively trying to convince my fiance to break up with me), I can't say I really want him at the wedding at all. I don't trust him to be civil and thinking about him at all makes me feel angry and sick. There's still well over a year before the wedding, so the situation might improve before then, but if it doesn't, or if it gets worse, do I have to invite him? If he isn't invited then he's sure to make it look like I'm a crazy, manipulative b-- trying to separate my fiance from his friends, and I'll feel like I'm being selfish for not wanting him there when it might make my fiance happier. If he is invited and declines, then my fiance's feelings will be hurt. If he is invited and comes, I'm going to be annoyed. I want to be bigger than the problem and just invite him then ignore him if he does show, but it's hard to be happy when you're hated by someone that close to the person you're marrying... (sorry for the length)

Ugh, man, that's a tough spot to be in. Has your FI talked to this friend about his issues with you? 

downtondiva

I'm going to be honest: you have more of a relationship problem than a wedding problem right now. Why is your FI still friends with someone who is so hostile toward you? I think before you can even think about whether you're inviting this person or not, you really need to talk to your FI about how his "best friend" is treating you and why he's putting up with it. 

artbyallie

Yeah, this is an FI problem. Why would he continue being friends with someone who actively tries to convince him to dump you? Why would he not nip that shit in the bud and tell him to knock it off?

zitiqueen

I formed a negative opinion about you as soon as I read "fiance and I's friendship and relationship."

mcmahontobe121

I dont understand why your FI hasn't said anything to his friend about this.

blabla89

bethsmiles said:

Your wedding is over a year away, at this point you don't need to worry about whether or not to invite him. What you do need to worry about is your FI. Why does he allow him to talk badly about you? Why is he friends with someone who doesn't respect the woman he loves or his relationship?

Talk to your FI ASAP!

This. Also, if this guy goes around bad mouthing you at your own wedding, he is the one who will look like an ass.

yogablossom

I think it's apparent through your fiance's action in asking you to marry him, that he does not value this best friend's opinions of you.  This is obviously a good thing.

But as other posters have noted, I would also suggest talking with your fiance about said issue. Good luck!

badbnagdway

Agree with what everyone has said. If this guy is being a dick to you and telling your fiance to break it off, you need to talk to your fiance about it. 

My FI told me that he once told a guy friend to not marry a girl he was engaged to because she would cheat on him. He was much younger at the time and more hot headed, as most of us were when we were young. The guy friend ended his friendship with FI and married the girl anyway. Big surprise. FI said he realizes now it was stupid to do that and he is right. Doing this forces a man to choose between the woman they want to marry and their friend. The friend almost always looses out. 

In the case of FI, it turned out that yes, the friend's wife cheated on him and they were miserable together. But even though FI was right the friend did the right thing in my mind and FI and this guy are still not friends, because now FI is that guy who told him so. I have known other friends (mostly men) who have told me stories almost identical to this, where they insisted to a friend that they shouldn't marry someone because "she's a bitch" or whatever. 

So that is a round about way of saying that your FI needs to choose you over this friend if the friend cannot keep his mouth shut. I think you need to discuss this with your FI and he needs to have a come to jesus moment with this friend. If he tells this friend, "look, I am marrying knottie and you need to treat her with respect", and the friend doesn't comply, he needs to choose you over this friendship. If he isn't willing to do that you have a bigger problem than this friend making you uncomfortable at the wedding. 

indianaalum

I think this reads as a bigger issue for me. You and your Fiance need to communicate on this. 

I have a few questions. How did he form a negative view of you prior to meeting you? One would assume that was from your fiance. What was your fiance saying to indicate "negative" things to his friend? This should definitely be explored before you get married

 

Second, why is your fiance still friends with someone who so openly displays disrespect toward you? I think this is worth discussing with your fiance

Third, what does your fiance say to this man when he tells him not to marry you? does he stand up for you?!?

Like I said, I think this is more a "relationship" issue than an "invitation" issue.

SP29

I agree this issue is solely between your FI and you.

I can completely understand how you are feeling- I too would be very uncomfortable having some one stand up at my wedding who I knew disliked me. But, this is FI's decision. You're right, if YOU make the choice that Friend should not be invited, FI will be upset with you and you look like the petty B. But at the same time, if this friend dislikes you so much, why does FI want to keep him as a friend? It should be your FI telling the Friend to either get over it and be supportive or the friendship is over and he's not invited. 

[Deleted User]

indianaalum said:

I think this reads as a bigger issue for me. You and your Fiance need to communicate on this. 

I have a few questions. How did he form a negative view of you prior to meeting you? One would assume that was from your fiance. What was your fiance saying to indicate "negative" things to his friend? This should definitely be explored before you get married

 

Second, why is your fiance still friends with someone who so openly displays disrespect toward you? I think this is worth discussing with your fiance

Third, what does your fiance say to this man when he tells him not to marry you? does he stand up for you?!?

Like I said, I think this is more a "relationship" issue than an "invitation" issue.

This comment is spot on. If your fiance was truly happy with you, he wouldn't say things to his friend to make the friend think negatively of you. Please think about what you're getting into. I say this from the perspective of a mother with adult daughters.

rcher912

Keep him on the guest list for now, until you get a better sense of how things are going. Sounds like invites and save the dates aren't going out for quite awhile yet.

This should give you time to a) get a good head count and do wedding planning stuff with a good number in your head while you b) talk to FI and figure out wth is going on with this dude, and what FI is (hopefully already) doing about it.

novella1186

SanSmith2 said:

I think this reads as a bigger issue for me. You and your Fiance need to communicate on this. 

I have a few questions. How did he form a negative view of you prior to meeting you? One would assume that was from your fiance. What was your fiance saying to indicate "negative" things to his friend? This should definitely be explored before you get married

 

Second, why is your fiance still friends with someone who so openly displays disrespect toward you? I think this is worth discussing with your fiance

Third, what does your fiance say to this man when he tells him not to marry you? does he stand up for you?!?

Like I said, I think this is more a "relationship" issue than an "invitation" issue.

This comment is spot on. If your fiance was truly happy with you, he wouldn't say things to his friend to make the friend think negatively of you. Please think about what you're getting into. I say this from the perspective of a mother with adult daughters.

So I may be jumping to conclusions here, but when I read the part about the fiance saying things that made the friend think negatively of OP, it made sense to me. My friend in high school/college (this was over the course of a few years) was dating this guy I hadn't met, and every single time they had a fight or something negative happened, she would come and vent to me about it. I was her person. She hardly ever told me about the positive stuff, because when things were going well she didn't think to come running to me.

I assumed that OP's FI maybe used friend as his person to vent to, so friend heard a lot of negative things about OP because of this, ya know? Maybe that part is not quite as bad as it seems.

indianaalum. OP, talk to your FI. Because if my assumption is correct and he had been venting about you to friend and creating a negative impression of you, I still see that as a problem, because the man you're going to marry should have TONS of positive things to say about you, and he should most definitely have your back!

badbnagdway

novella1186 said:

SanSmith2 said:

I think this reads as a bigger issue for me. You and your Fiance need to communicate on this. 

I have a few questions. How did he form a negative view of you prior to meeting you? One would assume that was from your fiance. What was your fiance saying to indicate "negative" things to his friend? This should definitely be explored before you get married

 

Second, why is your fiance still friends with someone who so openly displays disrespect toward you? I think this is worth discussing with your fiance

Third, what does your fiance say to this man when he tells him not to marry you? does he stand up for you?!?

Like I said, I think this is more a "relationship" issue than an "invitation" issue.

This comment is spot on. If your fiance was truly happy with you, he wouldn't say things to his friend to make the friend think negatively of you. Please think about what you're getting into. I say this from the perspective of a mother with adult daughters.

So I may be jumping to conclusions here, but when I read the part about the fiance saying things that made the friend think negatively of OP, it made sense to me. My friend in high school/college (this was over the course of a few years) was dating this guy I hadn't met, and every single time they had a fight or something negative happened, she would come and vent to me about it. I was her person. She hardly ever told me about the positive stuff, because when things were going well she didn't think to come running to me.

I assumed that OP's FI maybe used friend as his person to vent to, so friend heard a lot of negative things about OP because of this, ya know? Maybe that part is not quite as bad as it seems.

indianaalum. OP, talk to your FI. Because if my assumption is correct and he had been venting about you to friend and creating a negative impression of you, I still see that as a problem, because the man you're going to marry should have TONS of positive things to say about you, and he should most definitely have your back!

This is a really good point and something I have had to learn to take into account when my girlfriends talk about things their SO's have done. They tend to focus on the negative, because they need to vent. 

AddieCake

This is a good lesson about venting about your SO. I have a friend who mostly vents when talking about her SO, so none of us really care for him, since all we know about him are the shitty things he has done. If you are going to paint your SO in a negative light, don't be surprised when your friends or family have reservations about him or her.

banana468

Ditto that I think this more speaks to issues with your FI.   

southernbelle0915

So your now FI was talking so much shit about you that his best friends hates you and is trying to convince your FI to break up with you? And your FI hasn't shut him down yet or dealt with it?

This is an FI issue, not a guest list issue.

Knottie88435547

zitiqueen said:

I formed a negative opinion about you as soon as I read "fiance and I's friendship and relationship."

i've known my fiance since we were thirteen and we didn't get together (at least not seriously) until college so...we did have a lengthy friendship before we had a relationship, and his best friend heard about it. that's what i was referring to. i'm not really sure how that phrase warrants a negative opinion but alrighty then.

Knottie88435547

whovianstark said:

As frustrating as this is I don't think you have a choice, it is your FI's wedding too and he gets to invite people. I think it is up to your FI

this is exactly the response i was expecting. i ultimately agree, but i can't really see a favorable turnout regardless of what decision is made on our part.

photokitty

Knottie88435547 said:

zitiqueen said:

I formed a negative opinion about you as soon as I read "fiance and I's friendship and relationship."

i've known my fiance since we were thirteen and we didn't get together (at least not seriously) until college so...we did have a lengthy friendship before we had a
relationship, and his best friend heard about it. that's what i was referring to. i'm not really sure how that phrase warrants a negative opinion but alrighty then.


She is referring to your use of "I's". The possessive of I is mine or my, never I's.

JellyBean52513

1. I would never marry someone whose best friend has tried to get us to break up. I would also never marry someone who wanted this person to hold the honored title of Best Man. If my SO voluntarily hung out and maintained friendships with people who had nothing but negative things to say about me, that relationship would not last long enough to reach the alter.

2. My advice is that you talk to your FI immediately and let him know how betrayed you feel at the thought of having someone who wanted you to break up standing as the Best Man. See what he says from there.

Knottie88435547

photokitty said:

zitiqueen said:

I formed a negative opinion about you as soon as I read "fiance and I's friendship and relationship."

i've known my fiance since we were thirteen and we didn't get together (at least not seriously) until college so...we did have a lengthy friendship before we had a relationship, and his best friend heard about it. that's what i was referring to. i'm not really sure how that phrase warrants a negative opinion but alrighty then.

She is referring to your use of "I's". The possessive of I is mine or my, never I's.

bahahaha some people are determined to be pissy. okey doke, thanks for clarifying for me.