Wedding Party

Bridesmaid Backing Out?

I apologize in advance for the long post. It may be a bit ranty, but I feel like this is a complicated situation :(

I've been friends with this girl for about 8 years. We've shared a lot of crazy times and we've become very close. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding, and I had always planned on having her as a bridesmaid in mine. She's known basically since we've met that my other best friend (of more than 20 years) would always be my MoH when I got married, so that has always been a non-issue, really, and even the day I got engaged when I called her to tell her, the discussion once again led to the fact that she obviously knew that she was not going to be the MoH. In another phone conversation we had not long after that, probably just a few days into the engagement, we were discussing my early visions for the wedding - how big was it going to be, etc. - and I mentioned that I didn't know how big the wedding party was going to be, since my side of the family/friends was probably a significantly longer list than my fiance's. She suggested (of her own volition), that if we had a small wedding party she was perfectly fine being the one to sit out, because she knew that J was going to be my MoH and that I wanted my little sister to be a bridesmaid, so if we ended up only doing two people, she would be ok not being in the party and that then she could help with the behind the scenes stuff of the big day. This surprised me, but it was definitely good to know, because at the time, I didn't know if it was going to be more than two, or even more than just the MoH and best man. A week or so go by and my fiance and I pretty much determined that it would be three on each side, so my MoH, my friend G, and my sister, and then obviously his best man and two friends. G was aware of this and we've been going through the past month or so completely under the impression that she was going to be a bridesmaid. Then all of a sudden last night, she calls me and says she doesn't know how to tell me this, but it's been bothering her for a while, and that she doesn't think she wants to be a bridesmaid because it's awkward, and she feels like she was the last choice, and I don't even want her as a bridesmaid (this coming the same day as an email exchange of me expressing the fact that it's ok that she has stuff going on and can't make it to a wedding expo with me in a few weeks, and that as long as she's up there in the line with me, that's all that matters). I didn't even know what to say. I mean, she's the one that originally suggested and put herself up as the one to sit out if we were going to have a small bridal party, and now she's claiming that I had said that she'd be a bridesmaid only if we had more than two (or something like that) and she's making me out to be the bad guy, but I wasn't even the one to bring it up.

In the end, the conversation left off that I'm sorry if she ever felt that way, but I really do want her up there with me. I told her that it's really up to her and it is what it is, that she has time to think about it and let me know.

I was planning on sending formal little gifts/notes asking my bridesmaids to be bridesmaids once my finance and I set a date. Now I'm not sure what to do with her. Do I still send her one asking her and then just personalize it with a message reiterating the fact that I really do want her there? Or do I just let it go and move on?

Re: Bridesmaid Backing Out?

  • I apologize in advance for the long post. It may be a bit ranty, but I feel like this is a complicated situation :(

    I've been friends with this girl for about 8 years. We've shared a lot of crazy times and we've become very close. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding, and I had always planned on having her as a bridesmaid in mine. She's known basically since we've met that my other best friend (of more than 20 years) would always be my MoH when I got married, so that has always been a non-issue, really, and even the day I got engaged when I called her to tell her, the discussion once again led to the fact that she obviously knew that she was not going to be the MoH. In another phone conversation we had not long after that, probably just a few days into the engagement, we were discussing my early visions for the wedding - how big was it going to be, etc. - and I mentioned that I didn't know how big the wedding party was going to be, since my side of the family/friends was probably a significantly longer list than my fiance's. She suggested (of her own volition), that if we had a small wedding party she was perfectly fine being the one to sit out, because she knew that J was going to be my MoH and that I wanted my little sister to be a bridesmaid, so if we ended up only doing two people, she would be ok not being in the party and that then she could help with the behind the scenes stuff of the big day. This surprised me, but it was definitely good to know, because at the time, I didn't know if it was going to be more than two, or even more than just the MoH and best man. A week or so go by and my fiance and I pretty much determined that it would be three on each side, so my MoH, my friend G, and my sister, and then obviously his best man and two friends. G was aware of this and we've been going through the past month or so completely under the impression that she was going to be a bridesmaid. Then all of a sudden last night, she calls me and says she doesn't know how to tell me this, but it's been bothering her for a while, and that she doesn't think she wants to be a bridesmaid because it's awkward, and she feels like she was the last choice, and I don't even want her as a bridesmaid (this coming the same day as an email exchange of me expressing the fact that it's ok that she has stuff going on and can't make it to a wedding expo with me in a few weeks, and that as long as she's up there in the line with me, that's all that matters). I didn't even know what to say. I mean, she's the one that originally suggested and put herself up as the one to sit out if we were going to have a small bridal party, and now she's claiming that I had said that she'd be a bridesmaid only if we had more than two (or something like that) and she's making me out to be the bad guy, but I wasn't even the one to bring it up.

    In the end, the conversation left off that I'm sorry if she ever felt that way, but I really do want her up there with me. I told her that it's really up to her and it is what it is, that she has time to think about it and let me know.

    I was planning on sending formal little gifts/notes asking my bridesmaids to be bridesmaids once my finance and I set a date.
    Now I'm not sure what to do with her. Do I still send her one asking her and then just personalize it with a message reiterating the fact that I really do want her there? Or do I just let it go and move on?
    The reason for all of this is because you put having even sides and a specific number in front of just having who you are the closest to.  You should never have had a conversation with her about how you may just want to only have 2 people after ASKING her to be a BM.  What does it even matter if your family/friend list is longer then your FI when it comes to determining your wedding party?  She was probably taking the high road and tried to make things easier on you by graciously offering to bow out (but she was probably thinking, "hmm, so I guess I am only important enough to be a BM if the numbers add up"), but really none of this would have happened if you weren't so concerned about numbers.

    I would apologize profusely to your friend and let her know that her being a BM is very important to you because she is important to you and that anything you may have discussed before was you not thinking and getting lost in wedding la-la land.  If she still decides to not be a BM then you have to accept that.

    And as for the bolded.  Why?  You have already asked these people.  And you have asked them too soon if you haven't even set a date.  But that ship has sailed.  No sense in sending them something when they have already been asked and gave you a yes or no answer.  Seems silly and pointless.

  • I maybe should have been more clear about that first part. The conversation about it only being two people wasn't after asking her to be a BM. I hadn't even brought up her being a BM yet - I was simply saying that I didn't know how big the wedding was going to be on a purely financial basis - as in, we weren't even sure we were doing anything bigger than a trip with the MoH/Best man to basically elope somewhere (I'm not dead set against having a mismatched number), which is where the size of both of our potential guest lists played a factor in the conversation as well, obviously. So, to clarify, again I hadn't even asked her to be a BM yet, and she just jumped right in and suggested that if we have a small wedding with only one or two in the party, basically don't worry about her, she's fine not being a bridesmaid because she knows that J is the MoH...AND to top it off, it's not as if I jumped at the chance and said "ok, good, I'm glad to hear it".....I was immediately saying how I would be really disappointed if that's the way it had to be simply because we couldn't afford a 'real' wedding. It was then after that and in the future conversation that it was determined that we'd be able to have a bigger wedding (instead of one step up from eloping as we had originally thought - note: we are paying for it completely ourselves so we had to figure out our financial ability).

    As far as asking them to be bridesmaids officially, I just thought it would be nice to send them a little something cute, with the actual date on it even though it had already been determined (or so I thought). And asking them too soon had not been an issue for me. It's not as if it was a surprise to any of them, on top of the fact that we weren't originally planning on having a long engagement (less than a year), so we really had to get going on it, figuring it would be in the fall of '15 (that has since changed *shrug and now we're trying to essentially re-set a date).

    I guess in re-reading my post, and your response (and now my new response to that), my real issue isn't anything to do with the wedding-related issues. I guess it's just my issue with her. I really don't know what I did to make her think that I didn't want her as a part of my wedding if we ended up having a 'real' wedding in the first place, and I guess I'm mostly just hurt because she's clearly misunderstood something but now she's really just making me out to be the b** here. I suppose I could be in the wrong on this, and I probably am, but it still hurts - one minute I'm telling her that it's just important to me that shes up there in the line, and the next she's telling me that she feels like I don't want her as a BM. Apparently there are other issues we need to work out that take priority of BM issues. :-/


  • You should really wait until you set a date before asking people to be in your wedding...  but as Maggie stated, that ship has sailed. You have already asked your bridal party and sending them gifts would make no sense. What is a "formal little gift" anyway? Many people here on the Knot will tell you the same advice: don't choose numbers over people. That means, don't set a certain number (for example: 4 groomsmen and 4 bridesmaids, no one else!).. just ask who you want. Sides don't need to be even. And I think you should ask your friend to be a bridesmaid.

    Sorry but I think you're getting way too wrapped up in this one aspect of planning your wedding. Enjoy being newly engaged, start looking at venues, and pick a date with your FI. Wedding party stuff happens later.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers


  • Yeah, I don't know. I royally messed it up I guess. But as I mentioned in my response to Maggie, the discussion wasn't focused on even numbers as much as the financial aspect of were we even having a 'real' wedding or are we basically just going to elope. And as I also mentioned in that other response, in reconsidering the real issue at hand here - I think it's more of a personal/friendship issue that needs to be handled than anything really having to do with the wedding (for reasons that obviously don't need to be gotten into on this board) and I've now realized that this issue is really just the mask covering up other underlying issues :(
  • But from your OP it seems like this friend has always known from previous conversations before you were even engaged that she was going to be a BM.  Yes, you may not have formally asked her but if you say over and over "oh when I get married you are going to be a BM" but then have a conversation about numbers and what not she could have felt hurt and in a way to protect herself volunteered to be counted out rather then you decide not to include her.

    And also, you never know what else may be going on in her life that in no way involves you which led her to drop out.  It could be a combination of things.  Have you only talked to her about your wedding? Sometimes brides have one focus and those around them don't like the fact that you no longer seem to care about their life just your wedding.

    Look, you don't even have a date set yet.  At this point I think you need to focus on the friendship and keep all wedding talk at home with your FI.


    I maybe should have been more clear about that first part. The conversation about it only being two people wasn't after asking her to be a BM. I hadn't even brought up her being a BM yet - I was simply saying that I didn't know how big the wedding was going to be on a purely financial basis - as in, we weren't even sure we were doing anything bigger than a trip with the MoH/Best man to basically elope somewhere (I'm not dead set against having a mismatched number), which is where the size of both of our potential guest lists played a factor in the conversation as well, obviously. So, to clarify, again I hadn't even asked her to be a BM yet, and she just jumped right in and suggested that if we have a small wedding with only one or two in the party, basically don't worry about her, she's fine not being a bridesmaid because she knows that J is the MoH...AND to top it off, it's not as if I jumped at the chance and said "ok, good, I'm glad to hear it".....I was immediately saying how I would be really disappointed if that's the way it had to be simply because we couldn't afford a 'real' wedding. It was then after that and in the future conversation that it was determined that we'd be able to have a bigger wedding (instead of one step up from eloping as we had originally thought - note: we are paying for it completely ourselves so we had to figure out our financial ability).

    As far as asking them to be bridesmaids officially, I just thought it would be nice to send them a little something cute, with the actual date on it even though it had already been determined (or so I thought). And asking them too soon had not been an issue for me. It's not as if it was a surprise to any of them, on top of the fact that we weren't originally planning on having a long engagement (less than a year), so we really had to get going on it, figuring it would be in the fall of '15 (that has since changed *shrug and now we're trying to essentially re-set a date).

    I guess in re-reading my post, and your response (and now my new response to that), my real issue isn't anything to do with the wedding-related issues. I guess it's just my issue with her. I really don't know what I did to make her think that I didn't want her as a part of my wedding if we ended up having a 'real' wedding in the first place, and I guess I'm mostly just hurt because she's clearly misunderstood something but now she's really just making me out to be the b** here. I suppose I could be in the wrong on this, and I probably am, but it still hurts - one minute I'm telling her that it's just important to me that shes up there in the line, and the next she's telling me that she feels like I don't want her as a BM. Apparently there are other issues we need to work out that take priority of BM issues. :-/


    And I am confused what the bolded means.  A real wedding is when two people become married at the end.  That is it.  Everything else is just extra.

  • Hence the "".....It was simply an easier way to express the difference between eloping and having a big ceremony/reception. I do realize that everything else is just extra and it's no less "real" in any other instance as long as we're married in the end.
  • Oh, and I missed the first part of that response too, sorry. Yes it has always been implied that I would like for her to be a bridesmaid when I got married someday, so I suppose what you're saying could be the case. Also, the fact of the matter is, I know exactly what is going on in her life right now, which is specifically why I haven't really talked to her about the wedding much at all, because I know that she is going through some stuff and I haven't wanted to be a focus like that - as a matter of fact, other than the two conversations mentioned in the OP, we've only had maybe one or two other conversations about it, once of which was me telling her that I really just want her to be up there with me, and that's what matters, not that she can't make the 6 hour trip to go to an expo with me. In the end, my fiance and I definitely have some decisions to make before I make a mistake like this again with any other part of the wedding, and even after just this little bit of drama (and the fact that my mom is being pushy as h** and really pissing the two of us off) the idea of just eloping has never seemed sweeter lol.
  • Oh, and I missed the first part of that response too, sorry. Yes it has always been implied that I would like for her to be a bridesmaid when I got married someday, so I suppose what you're saying could be the case. Also, the fact of the matter is, I know exactly what is going on in her life right now, which is specifically why I haven't really talked to her about the wedding much at all, because I know that she is going through some stuff and I haven't wanted to be a focus like that - as a matter of fact, other than the two conversations mentioned in the OP, we've only had maybe one or two other conversations about it, once of which was me telling her that I really just want her to be up there with me, and that's what matters, not that she can't make the 6 hour trip to go to an expo with me. In the end, my fiance and I definitely have some decisions to make before I make a mistake like this again with any other part of the wedding, and even after just this little bit of drama (and the fact that my mom is being pushy as h** and really pissing the two of us off) the idea of just eloping has never seemed sweeter lol.
    Maybe it is the other things going on in her life that made her drop out the way she did.  A lot of times when you have shit and stress going on in your own life you tend to take your frustrations about it out on other people who you are close with.  No it isn't cool, but I think that is just how people deal with stuff.  They know that if they act like a jerk to a close friend or family member that person is more apt to forgive them once all is said and done.

    I think your best course of action is to decide on a date (and decide if you are going to elope or not), plan your wedding and when you are about 6-9 months out revisit the whole BM thing.

  • I agree. Thank you :)
  • simcal18simcal18 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited January 2015
    OP, I think what your friend is telling you--perhaps a bit gruffly--is that she does not want to be a bridesmaid.  Maybe her reasoning is the "some stuff" that you say she's going through, or the way that she feels like third choice, but the fact of the matter is it sounds like she doesn't want to be in your wedding, and you can't force her to be.  It hurts to have a potential bridesmaid turn you down, especially since you were in her wedding, but if that is her choice you need to respect it.

    What I would do is drop the subject for now.  Then, once you've set a date and are about 9 months out from your wedding, I'd make one more overture to her.  Tell her that you apologize if you her feel like third best, but she's very important to you and that you would be very honored if she would stand up with you--although you will respect her decision and understand if she can't.  Then, do just that--respect her decision whether it is yes or no.  If she says no, do not replace her with another friend just so that you can have 3 bridesmaids.  Having an uneven wedding party is just fine, and your bridal party should be based on who your nearest and dearest are, not numbers.
  • I feel like there might be something else going on and the "I feel like I was your last choice" is her excuse for other things. Maybe she's worried about the cost, or is hurt by something else, or has nervousness (she did say she was willing to sit it out). Where I'm from, it's pretty expected that wedding parties are even and I could see someone initiating the same conversation about sitting out if it's just your clearly known BFF and your sister. I agree with the others that maybe you should let it go for a bit, then when it's time to do the cute be my BM gift, make one for her (and put a lot of thought into it) and apologize if she felt like she was last on the list, and that was NEVER how you felt. If she turns you down again, just have the two, and send G an invite to the wedding and give her a spot up front. Good luck. That sucks. :(
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