Honoring my deceased infant sister at the wedding?

larrygaga

Knottie31257313 said:

ohannabelle said:

Knottie31257313 said:

I am so, so sorry for your loss and I think it's very honorable of you to want to give a portion of your special day to you baby sister. A few years ago, my mother attended a wedding of a couple who had lost a child at birth while they were engaged. After they said their vows, the officiant said something like "The couple would now like to take a moment of silence to remember one who is no longer with us, their infant daughter, Haley." and then while everyone was participating in the moment of silence, they lit a memorial candle for her. This was a sweet touch that allowed guests to participate. I was thinking of doing something similar at my own wedding, as my fiance had a baby brother who died at birth.

What? WHAT??????!

Unless his parents specifically asked you to do this (and they should not) why are you even considering this?

I promise you, if anyone had the nerve to open my wounds by staging a memorial to my son without my express request and permission, I would be something beyond furious. The night would be ruined for me, and I would be devastated and horrified and furious. Did I say furious? Also furious.

If a future daughter in law even suggested this to me, I'd be enraged at her nerve. My pain isn't a fucking "sweet touch" for your wedding, because you saw it at another wedding. 

It isn't your place to do this. Frankly, it isn't even your place to suggest it. You're soooooo far out of line that I'm shocked. Disgusted. 

You think it's a "sweet touch" and nice for "guest participation?" 

WTF? Really? Unnecessarily bringing a long ago tragedy to a happy occasion? Opening a twenty year old wound in public? Have you considered how a guest might feel, if they had suffered a similar tragedy?

No. Just no. Your wedding is not a place for you to make maudlin and self indulgent displays of grief that was never yours to begin with. It is not in any way appropriate to the occasion. If you care that deeply, make your prayers and tributes in private. If that isn't adequate for you, I suggest that your desire for expressing loss is less about loss, and more about show. You are using someone's tragedy like a prop in a show. No. No. No. 

ETA: TLDR- Condensed Version: The decision to honor anyone by memorial at a wedding should only be suggested or implemented by the closest immediate family members of that person. It is not the bride's place to suggest memorials for the groom's family, or the reverse. Not all family members might appreciate it, and care should be taken not to intrude on another person's feelings. Annabelle goes all PTSD at the very idea, says furious about 40 times, done. 

Wel,, I'd call my FIANCE whose BROTHER was the one that died a close immediate family member, wouldn't you? Not to mention, I never said whether or not I'd asked his parents' permission. And the OP is saying she has already DECIDED to make her sister a part of her day,and presumably has told her family that she is, so if she does, this is a way she can do it quickly and without making a huge spectacle. You don't have to bite my head off you know. Everyone feels differently about these sorts of things. Not everyone lives in fairy tale land where they can have a wedding that has no sadness involved. Weddings, thought happy, are almost always bittersweet occasions, since there is usually someone who the bride/groom wishes could have been there. As far as your rude sweet "touch" comment: I don't think either I or OP is trying to take away the pain- but parents aren't the only ones who suffer when a child dies. Siblings suffer too. Everyone processes grief differently. For you, it might be something that would be totally unacceptable. For another family, they may choose to celebrate the life of the deceased and wouldn't see it as "opening an old wound" because it is something the family has always been open about.  P.S. Flipping out and cussing on these boards is a way to get kicked off. I'll be reporting you.It's very inappropriate. You could have easily expressed your disagreement without being rude. 

Edit: Also, you might want to consider that different people are different religions. In my religion, for example, it's quite common to light a memorial candle at an occasion, happy or otherwise, for a deceased family member. I've definitely been to more than one wedding, christening, etc. where such a thing has been done.

Are you a real person

charlottesmom0626

I'm on the wrong place wrong time train. 

A really close friend of mine passed away the summer after we graduated high school. His parents are attending my wedding.They are probably thinking about their son and what his future or wedding would have been like. Why would I publicly bring that to everyone's attention? They don't want a pity party. 

tcnoble

Just a thought - everyone who wants to add some "in memory" touch to the wedding - what about guests who may not be privy to all your private life details? So then when you do this memorial in the midst of your ceremony, or "draw it to your guests attention" you end up with people standing around filling in these folks about the tragedy that is so-and-so's death. WHYYYYY do you want that the topic of conversation at your wedding??? So inappropriate. Keep the memorial aspect private.

mrscomposer

I just remembered that I'm a complete hypocrite.  The tattoo on my shoulder is a flock of birds - two sitting together (for my parents), and four flying above them (for us kids).  All are in silhouette except for the third in the line, which is just an outline.

I didn't say a damn thing about it.

Knottie31257313

Listen, I'm really sorry if my comments upset people or triggered bad memories. I just didn't think it was fair to attack me for making a suggestion- and it wasn't, I stand by that. Disagreement with my initial comment could have been expressed in a much less belligerent manner than it was- grief doesn't exclude you from being nice to other people. Again though, my original post was never meant to offend anyone, and I'm really sorry if it did. I'm no stranger to grief and perhaps I should have though more before my original post. Although honestly, I still think if the OP wants to have a memorial to her sister and her family agrees, it should ultimately be up to her. Edit: Also, I really want to express that my "sweet touch" comment was misread, or maybe I didn't express it well enough. It was meant not in a "sweet touch" like it's a sweet touch to have wedding toppers that look like you, and I feel like that's how it came across.

ohannabelle

I can accept that. An really unfortunate choice of words that sounded, yes, exactly like cake toppers or something. That was exactly what appalled me.

And an inadvertent example on my part of how well intentioned thoughts might be really badly received, when you're dealing with such personal and painful experiences.

So, much more politely- I would please caution against bringing this up. After this many years, it may not be something that the parents want to revisit, on such a happy occasion. 

Apologies accepted, no harm done. 

AddieCake

I just really don't get the need to do this. To acknowledge an infant's death from 20 years prior at your wedding just seems very out of place to me.

melizabethp

My BFF's grandfather died a month before her wedding. He lived across the street from the church, so if it hadn't been fresh enough, that was a pretty in-your-face reminder. His casket flowers happened to be the same color as her main wedding color, so the family lay some of them on the program table with BFF's grandma's rosary (she had died a few years earlier). They never explicitly explained it. BFF's family and close friends knew what was up. Everyone else just thought it was pretty. Both grandparents were also mentioned in the program under an "in memory of" heading.

The groom's mother died several years before he met BFF, and they did nothing to memorialize her "out loud." Ditto BFF's other grandparents who had both been gone 10+ years. They got a line in the program.

EDIT: Also, my grandfather died six weeks before my parents' wedding. It was a different time, I suppose, but they didn't do anything at the wedding to memorialize him. My grandmother and uncle walking Mom down the aisle, with all three of them in tears, was a pretty poignant reminder in itself.

I think if the losses had been longer ago, nothing would have been done, because they wouldn't have been so fresh as to be acknowledged. This is an old thread and the OP has probably made her decision, but because I'd seen painful RECENT losses acknowledged well, I thought it was worth sharing.

Heffalump

Knottie31257313 said:

Wel,, I'd call my FIANCE whose BROTHER was the one that died a close immediate family member, wouldn't you?

sitb

I'm just lurking over here from Wedding Woes, and first, I've seen references to your past history, @ohannabelle, and my heart goes out to you for your loss.

@KnottieNumbers, I have a brother whom I love dearly.  And I have two kids.  If anything ever happened to my brother, I would be heartbroken.  But if anything ever happened to my kids--I can't even type about it without my eyes tearing up, even though they're both safe and sound at school right now.  Maybe you didn't mean to come off as self-centered and AW-ing, but to compare the loss of a sibling (not even your own, but your FI's) to the loss of a child...no.  I don't believe in grief one-upping, but I really don't think that's a valid comparison.

That said, OP, I really do like the ideas for a private remembrance, like the opal jewelry (on you, not the entire WP or anything).  I understand where the impulse is coming from, and I agree with the others that it's best recognized privately, instead of being a Thing at your wedding.