Feeling guilty-- What to do?

jrich29

I have a friend who asked me to be her Maid of Honor for her wedding in May of 2016. I am also getting married in August of this year (2015). I am planning on having 4 bridesmaids but because I have 2 sisters she wasn't going to be one. Now I am am feeling a little guilty about not having her in my wedding. Everyone else keeps telling me to not worry about it because it is my wedding but I don't want to hurt her feelings. She really is a good friend of mine and it is nothing personal at all because if I were to have 5 people she would be one. I'm starting to think I should just ask her to be in my wedding also. But dealing with four peoples schedule and things has already been a headache. Anyone have any advice for me? What other ways can I include her?!

levioosa

julie2987 said:

I have a friend who asked me to be her Maid of Honor for her wedding in May of 2016. I am also getting married in August of this year (2015). I am planning on having 4 bridesmaids but because I have 2 sisters she wasn't going to be one. Now I am am feeling a little guilty about not having her in my wedding. Everyone else keeps telling me to not worry about it because it is my wedding but I don't want to hurt her feelings. She really is a good friend of mine and it is nothing personal at all because if I were to have 5 people she would be one. I'm starting to think I should just ask her to be in my wedding also. But dealing with four peoples schedule and things has already been a headache. Anyone have any advice for me? What other ways can I include her?!

Congratulations on your engagement!

You should ask the people you are closest to. Sides do not have to be even. As far as "schedules between four people," all your bridal party is required to do is show up on time, sober, and in good spirits on the day of the wedding. They don't have to plan any parties or help you with any crafts. So there really aren't any scheduling headaches to figure out. If you are close to her and want to honor her, than ask her.

Please don't try to give her any "consolation" prizes like handing out programs or watching the guest book. Those aren't honors--they're jobs no one wants to do. The only thing you could ask her to do that would not be insulting is asking her to do a reading. But really, if you want her as a bridesmaid, then ask her.

nicole4793

Something that I've read over and over again on boards that I really like is that weddings are not tit for tat. Just because she asked you doesn't mean you have to ask her. That being said, if you want to ask her, then go for it! Bridal parties are a lot different than they were 20 years ago. It's a lot more common to see uneven bridal parties. Scheduling can definitely be a headache for dress shopping, but besides showing up in their dresses for your wedding, they don't have any other tasks unless they offer to help out with crafts and whatnot. If you don't want her to be in the bridal party, you can always ask if she would do a reading for you (if your wedding is religious). 

JCbride2015

My general advice is to ask those you are closest to, and don't worry about having even sides.  

But it sounds like you've already asked your current four BMs and at least done some kind of activity or dress shopping with them at this point.  So unless you haven't already asked them or if it's only been a few days or a week, I would not ask anyone else.  If she finds out that she wasn't your first pick she will feel like a second thought and might be offended.

Just be happy to be her MOH and invite her to the wedding as a guest.  If you are having a shower or bachelorette party, you can ensure she is invited to those activities.  And make a few minutes at the wedding to talk to her and make her feel valued and special.  

jrich29

We went dress shopping once with the other 4 maids so do you think it is to late to include her now as a bridesmaid?  Would asking her to be a personal assistant be ok to do or is that just another job no one wants? If I did ask her what do personal attendants normally do? 

lovegood90

julie2987 said:

We went dress shopping once with the other 4 maids so do you think it is to late to include her now as a bridesmaid?  Would asking her to be a personal assistant be ok to do or is that just another job no one wants? If I did ask her what do personal attendants normally do? 

The only acceptable roles are bridesmaid, guest, or asking her to do a reading. Any other "job" is not an honour. Ie if you want a personal attendant, coordinator, etc- those are jobs you need to hire someone for.

holyguacamole79

julie2987 said:

We went dress shopping once with the other 4 maids so do you think it is to late to include her now as a bridesmaid?  Would asking her to be a personal assistant be ok to do or is that just another job no one wants? If I did ask her what do personal attendants normally do? 

If someone were to ask me to be in the bridal party after they had already gone shopping for dresses, I would know that I was a "second choice" and it wouldn't feel too good.  If someone asked me to be a "personal assistant", I would decline.  You don't need to ask her to do anything besides show up to your wedding and be happy for you.  If you want to include her, perhaps invite her to get ready with you and your wedding party the morning of the wedding.

jrich29

lovegood90 said:

We went dress shopping once with the other 4 maids so do you think it is to late to include her now as a bridesmaid?  Would asking her to be a personal assistant be ok to do or is that just another job no one wants? If I did ask her what do personal attendants normally do? 

The only acceptable roles are bridesmaid, guest, or asking her to do a reading. Any other "job" is not an honour. Ie if you want a personal attendant, coordinator, etc- those are jobs you need to hire someone for.

I only ask about her being a personal attendant because she has asked one of our other friends to do that in her wedding. I don't think it would offend her if I asked that of her. 

After being on these boards I'm starting to wonder if the location you grow up effects some of this wedding etiquette.

Maggie0829

jrich29 said:

lovegood90 said:

We went dress shopping once with the other 4 maids so do you think it is to late to include her now as a bridesmaid?  Would asking her to be a personal assistant be ok to do or is that just another job no one wants? If I did ask her what do personal attendants normally do? 

The only acceptable roles are bridesmaid, guest, or asking her to do a reading. Any other "job" is not an honour. Ie if you want a personal attendant, coordinator, etc- those are jobs you need to hire someone for.

I only ask about her being a personal attendant because she has asked one of our other friends to do that in her wedding. I don't think it would offend her if I asked that of her. 

After being on these boards I'm starting to wonder if the location you grow up effects some of this wedding etiquette.

Why exactly would you need a personal attendant?  Why exactly would your friend need a personal attendant?  I mean, lets think about this.  If you want a glass of water, are you incapable that day to get it yourself?  You are a bride, not the Queen who will ring a bell to get a servant.

And just because she is asking someone to do this doesn't mean that it makes it okay for you to do the same.

As to the bolded.  Traditions are different depending on the area you live, but having a personal attendant is rude regardless of where you live.  And traditions =/= etiquette.  So just because it is normal or a tradition doesn't mean that it makes it okay.

If you don't want to include this friend in your wedding that is perfectly fine.  Weddings are not tit for tat.  You shouldn't feel bad for not including her.  But please don't give her a crap role.

PrettyGirlLost

jrich29 said:

lovegood90 said:

We went dress shopping once with the other 4 maids so do you think it is to late to include her now as a bridesmaid?  Would asking her to be a personal assistant be ok to do or is that just another job no one wants? If I did ask her what do personal attendants normally do? 

The only acceptable roles are bridesmaid, guest, or asking her to do a reading. Any other "job" is not an honour. Ie if you want a personal attendant, coordinator, etc- those are jobs you need to hire someone for.

I only ask about her being a personal attendant because she has asked one of our other friends to do that in her wedding. I don't think it would offend her if I asked that of her. 

After being on these boards I'm starting to wonder if the location you grow up effects some of this wedding etiquette.

Asking someone to be an unpaid DOC- that's what a personal assistant is- is very rude.  Just because she did it, does not mean you should repeat her error.  Etiquette is not regional- for every bride that has a personal assistant or a "house party" and claims it to be the norm in their region we get 10+ other brides from the very same region telling us no way, that shit is rude and not done in their circles.

Either ask her to be a BM or a reader or a guest.  Those are really the only options that are honors.

And I hope no one has purchased a BM dress yet, because it's too early to do that for an August wedding.  If you are getting dresses from a bridal chain, then the very earliest you need to order dresses is 3 months out.  If you are ordering dresses through a private salon, then you probably don't need to order anything until about 4 or 5 months out, based on my experience.  All the shops will happily take your money now, but it's unnecessary.

jrich29

No one has purchased a dress it was more of a I had no idea what I liked and went with my sisters to look at styles kind of dress shopping not a serious dress shopping endeavor. 

I don't need a personal assistant.  I had honestly never heard it being considered rude. Every wedding I have been to has had one and they are always another friend they wanted to involve in someway. They are not all weddings from the same group of friends either before that comes up. And most of my friends have suggested this role. I never understood the point of that role which is the only reason I brought it up here. 

flantastic

jrich29 said:

No one has purchased a dress it was more of a I had no idea what I liked and went with my sisters to look at styles kind of dress shopping not a serious dress shopping endeavor. 

I don't need a personal assistant.  I had honestly never heard it being considered rude. Every wedding I have been to has had one and they are always another friend they wanted to involve in someway. They are not all weddings from the same group of friends either before that comes up. And most of my friends have suggested this role. I never understood the point of that role which is the only reason I brought it up here. 

When something's common, you often don't think about how rude it is. I get that. But come on, think about it. It's telling someone that they're not good enough to be a bridesmaid, but are good enough to be your personal servant/wedding organizer for the day and not get paid. It's a much better honor and involvement to be allowed to enjoy yourself as a guest. Your instincts were right that there is no point.

plainjane0415

What would this personal assistant do? I'm curious.

southernbelle0915

jrich29 said:

No one has purchased a dress it was more of a I had no idea what I liked and went with my sisters to look at styles kind of dress shopping not a serious dress shopping endeavor. 

I don't need a personal assistant.  I had honestly never heard it being considered rude. Every wedding I have been to has had one and they are always another friend they wanted to involve in someway. They are not all weddings from the same group of friends either before that comes up. And most of my friends have suggested this role. I never understood the point of that role which is the only reason I brought it up here. 

Common =/= OK. In my mom's extended family and social circles, dollar dances and cash bars are super common. Doesn't mean it's polite or a good idea.

Plus if you think about it for like 30 seconds, a personal attendant is bitch work for a B-list BM. They don't get the honor of standing up for you or any other BM type stuff, yet they usually have to "work" and perform tedious, logistical tasks. It's work - not an honor. No one "needs" one. Anyone who WANTS one should hire somebody.

[Deleted User]

My mom was asked by my cousin to be her Personal Assistant.  My mom and the bride both thought it was an 'honor', so I didn't say anything.  My mom quickly learned what a shit job it was when the bride, in between photos said, "Can you get me some water?" so my mom turned around to walk up the hill to the reception area when the bride said, "can you run?"  My 63 year old mother looked back at the bride, rolled her eyes, and continued to walk to get the water.  Luckily mom quickly got out of the job of personal assistant because bride had a backup assistant (a friend who was supposed to be a bridesmaid, was supposed to be in Africa on a mission trip during the wedding, schedules changed, and so was subjected to being my mom's backup.)  Mom made backup do the 'fluffing of the train' during the ceremony.

levioosa

adk19 said:

My mom was asked by my cousin to be her Personal Assistant.  My mom and the bride both thought it was an 'honor', so I didn't say anything.  My mom quickly learned what a shit job it was when the bride, in between photos said, "Can you get me some water?" so my mom turned around to walk up the hill to the reception area when the bride said, "can you run?"  My 63 year old mother looked back at the bride, rolled her eyes, and continued to walk to get the water.  Luckily mom quickly got out of the job of personal assistant because bride had a backup assistant (a friend who was supposed to be a bridesmaid, was supposed to be in Africa on a mission trip during the wedding, schedules changed, and so was subjected to being my mom's backup.)  Mom made backup do the 'fluffing of the train' during the ceremony.

Omg, I would have ignored her, walked to the bar and gotten a drink for myself instead. 

[Deleted User]

levioosa said:

adk19 said:

My mom was asked by my cousin to be her Personal Assistant.  My mom and the bride both thought it was an 'honor', so I didn't say anything.  My mom quickly learned what a shit job it was when the bride, in between photos said, "Can you get me some water?" so my mom turned around to walk up the hill to the reception area when the bride said, "can you run?"  My 63 year old mother looked back at the bride, rolled her eyes, and continued to walk to get the water.  Luckily mom quickly got out of the job of personal assistant because bride had a backup assistant (a friend who was supposed to be a bridesmaid, was supposed to be in Africa on a mission trip during the wedding, schedules changed, and so was subjected to being my mom's backup.)  Mom made backup do the 'fluffing of the train' during the ceremony.

Omg, I would have ignored her, walked to the bar and gotten a drink for myself instead. 

My mom said she actually ran into one of the bride's brothers and sent him to Run for water for the bride. 

I'm actually a little glad this happened to my mom because she has zero etiquette knowledge and even less wedding knowledge.  I hope this little experience helps to make her interaction with my wedding planning a little saner.

Knottie26965937

I have a dilemma please need help. First of all I don't know how to post a separate board on here lol. And more importantly. My fiancé's sister is 17 years old and we don't talk at all really like there's no connection there's an age gap it's just awkward. And his parents have totally threw it in my face that they have completely assumed that she is one of my bridesmaids, which I never announced any of that. They just flat out assumed. And I wasn't gunba have her part of it at all and I don't want to do the junior bridesmaid Thing cause I don't like that idea really. And I know she will not do a reading or speech at all because she's totally socially awkward and doesn't like to talk in front of crowds so I have no idea what to do. My fiancé says we should include her somehow but I just don't know how. PLEASE HELP ME

LondonLisa

Knottie26965937 said:

I have a dilemma please need help. First of all I don't know how to post a separate board on here lol. And more importantly. My fiancé's sister is 17 years old and we don't talk at all really like there's no connection there's an age gap it's just awkward. And his parents have totally threw it in my face that they have completely assumed that she is one of my bridesmaids, which I never announced any of that. They just flat out assumed. And I wasn't gunba have her part of it at all and I don't want to do the junior bridesmaid Thing cause I don't like that idea really. And I know she will not do a reading or speech at all because she's totally socially awkward and doesn't like to talk in front of crowds so I have no idea what to do. My fiancé says we should include her somehow but I just don't know how. PLEASE HELP ME

well, firstly, just click on "new discussion" on the board to start your own thread.

Secondly, if your Fi wants her included so much why doesn't your Fi have his sister on his side as a groom's woman. There is no rule that bridal party have to be a set gender. She can match the other groomsmen or wear the same bridesmaid dress.

Your bridal party is 100% your choice, not your fi, not your inlaws. 

Has your Fi even talked to his sister? If she is so awkward in front of crowds, she may not want to be included as a lot of attention will be on her. 

Maggie0829

LondonLisa said:

Knottie26965937 said:

I have a dilemma please need help. First of all I don't know how to post a separate board on here lol. And more importantly. My fiancé's sister is 17 years old and we don't talk at all really like there's no connection there's an age gap it's just awkward. And his parents have totally threw it in my face that they have completely assumed that she is one of my bridesmaids, which I never announced any of that. They just flat out assumed. And I wasn't gunba have her part of it at all and I don't want to do the junior bridesmaid Thing cause I don't like that idea really. And I know she will not do a reading or speech at all because she's totally socially awkward and doesn't like to talk in front of crowds so I have no idea what to do. My fiancé says we should include her somehow but I just don't know how. PLEASE HELP ME

well, firstly, just click on "new discussion" on the board to start your own thread.

Secondly, if your Fi wants her included so much why doesn't your Fi have his sister on his side as a groom's woman. There is no rule that bridal party have to be a set gender. She can match the other groomsmen or wear the same bridesmaid dress.

Your bridal party is 100% your choice, not your fi, not your inlaws. 

Has your Fi even talked to his sister? If she is so awkward in front of crowds, she may not want to be included as a lot of attention will be on her. 

All of this.  I was going to write my own response but LondonLisa hit the nail on the head so quoting just seemed easier.