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FI tried to do a sweet thing...

So over Winter Break I finished our invites - stuffed, stamped, sealed and ready to go. I had them in a box in the kitchen, planning to mail them out in a few weeks - Our wedding is 3/28.

I check my phone during my prep today and have a text from FI - "Wanted to help you out so I stuck the invites in the mail this morning :)

Oh. Um. Thanks.

I couldn't even be mad because I didn't explicitly say DON'T MAIL THEM FOR ME... He just usually doesn't do things (especially wedding things) without being asked or left a note. So... sorry guests, you're getting our invites a wee bit early. Not the worst thing that could happen, and the only etiquette faux-pas we have committed so far. 

Oh, dear sweet FI....

Anyone else's FI/DH try and do something sweet for you and it ends up being an "oh shit" instead??
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Re: FI tried to do a sweet thing...

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    Oh no! At least you aren't too terribly early on the invites. It'll be okay :)

    FI and I went to my hometown for Christmas and brought home boxes of stuff from my mom's house (she passed away several years ago) and I stacked the boxes in the storage space in his condo, since I'll be moving in there. The next day he unpacked and set up the stuff all around the house. He was so proud and he sent me a picture. I know he meant well, and I just don't have the heart to tell him that I'm not ready to look at that stuff yet and just want it to go back in the box in the closet.
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    Laundry. DO NOT TOUCH MY LAUNDRY, FOOL. I have a very ridiculous system of how I was jeans, bras, underwear, blouses, whites v colors etc. "I threw your laundry in with mine. I needed to make a full load and you've been super busy. So I tried to help out." *cries* "Thank you pumpkin. I appreciate you." So far I've lost 3 jeans and 2 bras in the war. And countless white tank tops (I wear them under normal tops. Don't ask.) Because "Dark colors don't bleed when you wash with cold." LIAR.

    Ahh! I'm like this too, except with putting things in the dryer. I only put socks and towels in the dryer, everything else I have to hang up or I get paranoid that they'll shrink.

    One time BF thought he was helping me by throwing all my stuff in the dryer with his. I was basically like, "Aw thanks! But please don't do that again...seriously :)"

    Formerly martha1818

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    That's not too far out. I'm with you though, I wouldn't have the heart to say anything cross either. 

    I spent NYE with FI and was super pumped to find an awesome flight itinerary with an equally awesome price. 

    The day after I booked it he realizes he needs to leave while I'm scheduled to be in town to attend a work conference in Dallas. He rebooked my flight for SIX A.M. in the freaking morning. He paid a ridiculous change fee for a shitty flight so I had to suck it up. 
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    Laundry. DO NOT TOUCH MY LAUNDRY, FOOL. I have a very ridiculous system of how I was jeans, bras, underwear, blouses, whites v colors etc. "I threw your laundry in with mine. I needed to make a full load and you've been super busy. So I tried to help out." *cries* "Thank you pumpkin. I appreciate you." So far I've lost 3 jeans and 2 bras in the war. And countless white tank tops (I wear them under normal tops. Don't ask.) Because "Dark colors don't bleed when you wash with cold." LIAR.
    Omg me too! I'm so crazy specific and neurotic about it. But over time, FI has learned my crazy ways and now he does the laundry how I want it done! Which is just way too awesome. He even looks for my bras in the washing machine if its a load of dedicates and takes them out cuz he knows they don't go in the dryer. <3 

    He got me a bottle of Chanel perfume last Christmas. He knows I love love love Chanel perfume. Except he got me Chanel Number 5, which I can't stand. I think it smells awful. At first I played it off (because that was such a sweet gift and it was expensive so there was no way I was gonna say I didn't like it!) but then later he specifically asked me if I liked the smell of that one, and I felt so guilty at the thought of him wasting so much money on a perfume I would never wear that I finally said "Well it's not my favorite. But it was so sweet of you to get it for me! I love that you got me perfume!" He took me to the store to exchange it for the kind I wear. 
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    That is sweet that your FI tried! It could be much worse.

     

    Last week I set a beautiful roast out to thaw for a dinner that I had been planning for a week and a half. I went out and bought a ton of ingredients for it and even stopped to pick up some wine that would go with it.

     

    I get home early and start getting everything ready to cook it and I can't find the roast anywhere. I ask H if he knows where it is and he said he threw it away! He said he thought it had been gone bad because it looked weird. No, H, those were just ice crystals on the container. Sigh.

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    Laundry. DO NOT TOUCH MY LAUNDRY, FOOL. I have a very ridiculous system of how I was jeans, bras, underwear, blouses, whites v colors etc.

    "I threw your laundry in with mine. I needed to make a full load and you've been super busy. So I tried to help out."

    *cries*

    "Thank you pumpkin. I appreciate you." So far I've lost 3 jeans and 2 bras in the war. And countless white tank tops (I wear them under normal tops. Don't ask.) Because "Dark colors don't bleed when you wash with cold." LIAR.



    Ahh! I'm like this too, except with putting things in the dryer. I only put socks and towels in the dryer, everything else I have to hang up or I get paranoid that they'll shrink.

    One time BF thought he was helping me by throwing all my stuff in the dryer with his. I was basically like, "Aw thanks! But please don't do that again...seriously :)"

    ---boxes---
    Yes. I also have a strict drying schedule. I cringe heavy too when I watch him wash everything and dry everything. My eye twitches.

    image
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    Laundry. DO NOT TOUCH MY LAUNDRY, FOOL. I have a very ridiculous system of how I was jeans, bras, underwear, blouses, whites v colors etc.

    "I threw your laundry in with mine. I needed to make a full load and you've been super busy. So I tried to help out."

    *cries*

    "Thank you pumpkin. I appreciate you." So far I've lost 3 jeans and 2 bras in the war. And countless white tank tops (I wear them under normal tops. Don't ask.) Because "Dark colors don't bleed when you wash with cold." LIAR.

    DH was actually really cute the first time he did this. He thought I was going to be pissed that my white tank tops are now all light baby pink.

    I just smiled and said "I kind of like this color actually!"

    But he's since guilted himself into never making the same mistake.
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    DH and I agree that laundry is a shared responsibility yet he somehow sees it as "helping out" when he tosses in a load. He doesn't screw things up but he seems to be completely incapable of putting clean clothes away. He announces loudly that he's done laundry but- unless I do something about it - the load can stay in the dryer for a week. Drives me crazy.

    On a darker note.... DH's latest "sweet thing" was agreeing to take my gramma somewhere. We had lunch with her and my folks the other day and she made a huge fuss about how my parents refuse to take her anywhere and how much she resents that they won't take her to see her friend. Gramma has dementia but my parents visit her frequently and take her places constantly.

    DH starts to offer to take her to her friend and, try as we might, Mom and I can't stop him fast enough.

    Too late. DH offers to take Gramma to visit the BFF that she can't remember died 2 years ago. We had to have "the talk" with her about it again but DH has taken several calls since asking when he'll be taking her.

    @larrygaga- sometime I'll need to hit you up for ideas on how to handle those situations!


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    larrygagalarrygaga member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited January 2015
    They will always remember the things you don't want them to remember. First, anyone you take to visit grandma needs like a big background story on her life. Including things she might want to do for which she is unable. 

    Does she know she had dementia? If she does, simple proof and then condolences and hugs will be enough. 

    Sometimes you have to break her heart over and over. Hopefully she stops asking. Dementia is so hard :(

    Some people lie to stop them from becoming upset, but I think that can dig you a deeper hole than you want to be in. I will tell little white lies so my old people don't get too upset, but they are lies that don't really matter.
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    Laundry. DO NOT TOUCH MY LAUNDRY, FOOL. I have a very ridiculous system of how I was jeans, bras, underwear, blouses, whites v colors etc. "I threw your laundry in with mine. I needed to make a full load and you've been super busy. So I tried to help out." *cries* "Thank you pumpkin. I appreciate you." So far I've lost 3 jeans and 2 bras in the war. And countless white tank tops (I wear them under normal tops. Don't ask.) Because "Dark colors don't bleed when you wash with cold." LIAR.

    Ahh! I'm like this too, except with putting things in the dryer. I only put socks and towels in the dryer, everything else I have to hang up or I get paranoid that they'll shrink.

    One time BF thought he was helping me by throwing all my stuff in the dryer with his. I was basically like, "Aw thanks! But please don't do that again...seriously :)"

    ---boxes--- Yes. I also have a strict drying schedule. I cringe heavy too when I watch him wash everything and dry everything. My eye twitches.
    Haha yes! And then he wonders why his jeans are so tight...

    Formerly martha1818

    image


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    larrygaga said:

    They will always remember the things you don't want them to remember. First, anyone you take to visit grandma needs like a big background story on her life. Including things she might want to do for which she is unable. 


    Does she know she had dementia? If she does, simple proof and then condolences and hugs will be enough. 

    Sometimes you have to break her heart over and over. Hopefully she stops asking. Dementia is so hard :(

    Some people lie to stop them from becoming upset, but I think that can dig you a deeper hole than you want to be in. I will tell little white lies so my old people don't get too upset, but they are lies that don't really matter.
    My great grandfather had this dog that he loved, Sammy. When he got dementia, Sammy went to live with a relative. A while ago, Sammy got sick and had to be put down. Everyone refuses to tell him. He will ask about him and they lie. I'm tempted to tell him and not care what my other relatives think.
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    As far as SO trying to be nice fails, my husband woke me for work this morning. My old schedule was Monday to Friday but this week my new schedule starts. So I now work Tuesday to Saturday. So today I get to sleep in and he wakes me up.
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    Teddy917 said:
    They will always remember the things you don't want them to remember. First, anyone you take to visit grandma needs like a big background story on her life. Including things she might want to do for which she is unable. 

    Does she know she had dementia? If she does, simple proof and then condolences and hugs will be enough. 

    Sometimes you have to break her heart over and over. Hopefully she stops asking. Dementia is so hard :(

    Some people lie to stop them from becoming upset, but I think that can dig you a deeper hole than you want to be in. I will tell little white lies so my old people don't get too upset, but they are lies that don't really matter.
    My great grandfather had this dog that he loved, Sammy. When he got dementia, Sammy went to live with a relative. A while ago, Sammy got sick and had to be put down. Everyone refuses to tell him. He will ask about him and they lie. I'm tempted to tell him and not care what my other relatives think.
    Wouldn't you want to know? 

    If he never brought it up and they were lying by omission-that's one thing. Yeah, he will be sad. Everyone gets sad. It's life. Be brave and be the one to tell him the truth. You wouldn't hide a dead dog from someone without dementia, would you?
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    wandajune6wandajune6 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited January 2015
    larrygaga said:

    They will always remember the things you don't want them to remember. First, anyone you take to visit grandma needs like a big background story on her life. Including things she might want to do for which she is unable. 


    Does she know she had dementia? If she does, simple proof and then condolences and hugs will be enough. 

    Sometimes you have to break her heart over and over. Hopefully she stops asking. Dementia is so hard :(

    Some people lie to stop them from becoming upset, but I think that can dig you a deeper hole than you want to be in. I will tell little white lies so my old people don't get too upset, but they are lies that don't really matter.
    She thinks she just has a bad memory. She's 93 and outlived everyone. Alzheimer's runs in the family and she knows she doesn't have that. She knows that there's more to it and it scares this shit out of her. She used to be a strong, opinionated, brilliant woman. She's now just a shell.

    We've found that she's more honest about her past now. She told lots of lies about her horrible childhood for decades. Now that the filter is gone, she tells the stories that we've long suspected but couldn't validate. At the same time, she tells ridiculous lies constantly. You can see the pattern- she'll start a story then forget where she was or a major detail, then makes up the rest. She also confuses details a lot. It took DH a while to learn that her stories are almost all wrong- but we still nod along instead of embarrassing her in front of others. People get it.

    She's made a recluse of herself in her retirement community but we have someone who stays with her during the day. We all visit very regularly (someone in the family sees her daily) and we bring people around regularly. She craves companionship but won't leave her apartment so we make an effort to bring friends by but always have them be careful with her.

    It's painful to be around her because it reminds me how much I miss who she used to be. I see one part shining through though- it's got to be terrifying to be so confused all the time but she's still got attitude!

    ETA: sorry for the threadjack!
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    larrygaga said:


    Teddy917 said:

    larrygaga said:

    They will always remember the things you don't want them to remember. First, anyone you take to visit grandma needs like a big background story on her life. Including things she might want to do for which she is unable. 


    Does she know she had dementia? If she does, simple proof and then condolences and hugs will be enough. 

    Sometimes you have to break her heart over and over. Hopefully she stops asking. Dementia is so hard :(

    Some people lie to stop them from becoming upset, but I think that can dig you a deeper hole than you want to be in. I will tell little white lies so my old people don't get too upset, but they are lies that don't really matter.
    My great grandfather had this dog that he loved, Sammy. When he got dementia, Sammy went to live with a relative. A while ago, Sammy got sick and had to be put down. Everyone refuses to tell him. He will ask about him and they lie. I'm tempted to tell him and not care what my other relatives think.

    Wouldn't you want to know? 

    If he never brought it up and they were lying by omission-that's one thing. Yeah, he will be sad. Everyone gets sad. It's life. Be brave and be the one to tell him the truth. You wouldn't hide a dead dog from someone without dementia, would you?


    I'm probably going to tell him. I only found out recently that he didn't know. Heck I only found out about Sammy a week ago myself. When he is mentally there, he's got to wonder when Sammy will die. He was an old dog. Even if he might forget it, he should be told.
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    Don't worry TC. I know we're over there in our month board advising the correct etiquette, but its really only 10 weeks away which is only 2 weeks extra. People are done with the holidays so they won't loose it but its enough time for them to figure out their Spring Break/Easter Week plans :)

    You can always thank him, tell him maybe it was a little early, but so what. And if people forget to send the RSVPs he can help you make the calls ;)

    Fi thought it was a good idea to start asking his single friends if they wanted to bring a date, all because I asked him if one of his friends has a SO (he had to call them, he wasn't sure). I had to ask him to not ask any more people because we are already breaking at the seams with our guest list, and explain that if they have a true SO we will invite them, but if they are truly single we need to wait till we see our RSVP numbers to make the call on if they can bring a date. We'll make it work though.


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    im waiting for FI to do something like this. but he kind of keeps to himself and will only do little things for me when he has the time. 
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    Laundry. DO NOT TOUCH MY LAUNDRY, FOOL. I have a very ridiculous system of how I was jeans, bras, underwear, blouses, whites v colors etc.

    "I threw your laundry in with mine. I needed to make a full load and you've been super busy. So I tried to help out."

    *cries*

    "Thank you pumpkin. I appreciate you." So far I've lost 3 jeans and 2 bras in the war. And countless white tank tops (I wear them under normal tops. Don't ask.) Because "Dark colors don't bleed when you wash with cold." LIAR.

    DH was actually really cute the first time he did this. He thought I was going to be pissed that my white tank tops are now all light baby pink.

    I just smiled and said "I kind of like this color actually!"

    But he's since guilted himself into never making the same mistake.
    DF did the same! But now I just buy white tank tops and wash them with a red t-shirt. The white shirts cost less, and the store pink isn't nearly as nice.
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    SO tried to unpack my bag from a trip the other day.  He dropped and shattered my Naked 3 palette *tears.*  I knew he was just trying to help, but I was pretty mad for a hot minute.  


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    levioosa said:
    SO tried to unpack my bag from a trip the other day.  He dropped and shattered my Naked 3 palette *tears.*  I knew he was just trying to help, but I was pretty mad for a hot minute.  
    That is a tragedy :(

    I remembered another. The things FI gave me for Christmas were Missouri-themed (that's where I'm from) decor for the house and a necklace. I guess he forgot the part about how I hated Missouri and couldn't GTFO fast enough.
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    Along with the "dried my slacks" incident (he did replace them) the other day he was out snow blowing the driveway and caught my pretty little snowflake lights in it.. bye bye two strands of snowflakes.. and yes, it snowed a foot over the weekend so my Christmas lights are STILL UP and will continue to be up until I can actually see them all again!

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    The road to hell is well paved.
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    levioosa said:

    SO tried to unpack my bag from a trip the other day.  He dropped and shattered my Naked 3 palette *tears.*  I knew he was just trying to help, but I was pretty mad for a hot minute.  

    So sorry for your loss :(

    Formerly martha1818

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    When we were wedding planning, FI had a day off and I was super busy so he stuffed all our envelopes. It wasn't until after we mailed them all out and his mom called asking why we didn't address the reply envelopes that we realized he had stuffed some of them with the extra blank envelopes without realizing it (The stack was upside down, and he never flipped them over as he stacked them up with the reply cards.) So, some fraction of our guests got blank, unstamped reply envelopes. I was embarrassed; he felt terrible; everybody survived.

    And then we had a stack of already stamped envelopes addressed to us--so we got some big blank address labels to stick on them for thank you cards.
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    tcnoble said:
    So over Winter Break I finished our invites - stuffed, stamped, sealed and ready to go. I had them in a box in the kitchen, planning to mail them out in a few weeks - Our wedding is 3/28.

    I check my phone during my prep today and have a text from FI - "Wanted to help you out so I stuck the invites in the mail this morning :)

    Oh. Um. Thanks.

    I couldn't even be mad because I didn't explicitly say DON'T MAIL THEM FOR ME... He just usually doesn't do things (especially wedding things) without being asked or left a note. So... sorry guests, you're getting our invites a wee bit early. Not the worst thing that could happen, and the only etiquette faux-pas we have committed so far. 

    Oh, dear sweet FI....

    Anyone else's FI/DH try and do something sweet for you and it ends up being an "oh shit" instead??
    My SIL is getting married a week before you. We got our invitation in November. And she's having her rehearsal in two weeks. I teasingly asked my husband if he'd be able to remember how to walk two months from now. So you are fine!!! 
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    After all the prep and cooking and cleaning of Christmas I was exhausted and over all the domestic house shit. Last weekend FI told me he had bought stuff for mimosas and was going to let me sleep in while he made me breakfast. 7:00 the ass hat comes in asking which cookbook I use for my hollandaise recipe (I use the internet). I doze off and 5 minutes later he comes in asking I knew where the English muffins were. How do you poach an egg? Could he fry the eggs instead of poaching? Finally by 7:30 I gave up on sleep and we made breakfast together.

    I still got my mimosas and he bought the big bottle of "champagne" so all was forgiven quickly.  


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