Please help, dollar dance -_-

justsie

I need advice. My lovely parents are paying for most of my wedding, which is absolutely wonderful of them. That being said, my mom is hellbent on having a dollar dance. I need advice on maybe how I could convince her otherwise? She knows its asking for money, so dollar alternatives won't work, and she had one at her own wedding so I'm not trying to insult her by trashing it (although its tacky, come on!). I'd appreciate any suggestions you all have!!

Teddy917

Just tell her that since it's your wedding, you and your FI talked and decided that it isn't something that you guys want to do.

Maggie0829

Just because your parents are paying for your wedding does not mean that they can force you to do the dollar dance.  They have say over decor and food and music but they cannot physically force you to do something you are uncomfortable with.

I would tell her that you and your FI have discussed this and are not comfortable with having a dollar dance.  Repeat it any time she brings up the dollar dance.  You don't have to tell her that it is tacky or that you hate it, just keep telling her that you and your FI do not wish to partake in it and then change the subject.

There is really not much else you can do.  The only other thing I can say that you can do so you have complete control over the music/DJ is to pay for the DJ yourself and then give him/her specific instructions on what is and is not okay and to not take any requests.

blabla89

Tell her you and your FI are uncomfortable with it.

If she's still pressing the issue closer to your wedding, talk with the DJ privately and make it clear that he is NOT to announce a dollar dance or hand over the mic to anyone else during the reception.

charcoalandblush

I agree with the PPs. Tell the DJ in private that under no circumstances should he announce a dollar dance/give the microphone to your parents to announce a dollar dance. And stay gentle but firm with your mom when she brings it up.

novella1186

I agree with PPs, tell your mom you're not comfortable with it and that it's not something you or your FI want. You might have to just get stern, look her straight in the eye, and say very clearly, "Mom, this is our wedding, and we don't want to do that. You need to respect our decision." 

Sometimes my mom doesn't listen when I try to tell her things, but if I get serious like that she'll usually drop it. It can be the only way to get it through to her, so she'll realize she can't just pester me into it. (Like the pink plastic light-up flowers she ran out and bought to put on all the reception tables without even telling me? No. Return them.) 

Good luck! 

marie2785

Good luck--I think some people (esp moms), find it judgmental and a personal attack when their kid doesn't follow their lead and do the same things they did (I've dealt with this on the bouquet/garter toss issue since we wont be doing that at our wedding). But you need to stand firm. You are not comfortable doing it, so unless she plans to drag you by the hair onto the floor and shove you around in a dance, you will NOT be doing it. 

You may want to also bring up that unless most of your guests are eastern European or from another culture where dollar dances are the norm, it's considered rude to do the dance now-a-days. 

Jen4948

You can say, "Mom, there isn't going to be a dollar dance. FI and I have discussed it and we're not comfortable with it because our guests shouldn't be expected to open their wallets at our wedding for any reason. Please consider the subject closed."

If she comes from a cultural background where dollar dances are the norm and really wants it for that reason, you can also say, "Mom, we realize it's normal for you to expect a dollar dance, but since many of our guests come from other backgrounds where dollar dances aren't done, we don't want to make them uncomfortable. So we aren't doing a dollar dance. We'd really appreciate not hearing about it anymore."

PrettyGirlLost

Jen4948 said:

You can say, "Mom, there isn't going to be a dollar dance. FI and I have discussed it and we're not comfortable with it because our guests shouldn't be expected to open their wallets at our wedding for any reason. Please consider the subject closed." If she comes from a cultural background where dollar dances are the norm and really wants it for that reason, you can also say, "Mom, we realize it's normal for you to expect a dollar dance, but since many of our guests come from other backgrounds where dollar dances aren't done, we don't want to make them uncomfortable. So we aren't doing a dollar dance. We'd really appreciate not hearing about it anymore."

Even if you come from a "cultural background where dollar dances are the norm" you can and should refuse to do one.

Jen4948

PrettyGirlLost said:

Jen4948 said:

You can say, "Mom, there isn't going to be a dollar dance. FI and I have discussed it and we're not comfortable with it because our guests shouldn't be expected to open their wallets at our wedding for any reason. Please consider the subject closed."

If she comes from a cultural background where dollar dances are the norm and really wants it for that reason, you can also say, "Mom, we realize it's normal for you to expect a dollar dance, but since many of our guests come from other backgrounds where dollar dances aren't done, we don't want to make them uncomfortable. So we aren't doing a dollar dance. We'd really appreciate not hearing about it anymore."

Even if you come from a "cultural background where dollar dances are the norm" you can and should refuse to do one.


True. But the wording above may be useful in explaining your decision to someone who does come from such a cultural background and expects it to be done.

short+sassy

I know you said in your post that she specifically wants it a money dance.  But (only if you are comfortable with this idea) I would still try to broach a compromise of having a "marriage advice" dance.  Where you have available small notecard stock type of paper that guests can write their marriage advice on and give that to you during the dance.  You can even sell the idea by pointing out a few dollars will be gone and forgotten within a month, but collecting marital wisdom from your friends/relations on your wedding day will be much more precious and memorable.  

WhatawagSBNy

Oh, no. At a shower marital advice might be fun. But not at a wedding where people who have been drinking might put something in writing they would never say sober. Damage to relationships with friends or family could come from this.

Maggie0829

I hate "marital advice" games or alternatives for dollar dances.  What if someone is going through a nasty divorce and their advice is "don't get married."  Or what if someone wants to be funny and their advice is "a blow job a day keeps hubby at bay." Or some other shit.

Jen4948

Don't do the "marital advice" thing either. Just dance.

PhoneCardLady

You have to understand that is a tradition done at Polish and Italian weddings.

lovegood90

PhoneCardLady said:

You have to understand that is a tradition done at Polish and Italian weddings.

Oh, well in THAT case it's not rude at all. Oh wait...

KetoandKris

Well I think talk with them will be better and like other brides said, is not because they are paying for that they demand and you do everything thing they want.

Get them in a good day ( since parents can be hard if you get them in a bad mood) and share lovely but clear your desire.

God bless and I wish you good luck!!!

PrettyGirlLost

PhoneCardLady said:

You have to understand that is a tradition done at Polish and Italian weddings.

NO! No! No!

I'm Italian and we did not have a dollar dance.  Most of my Italian relatives did not have them at their weddings either because we all think it's tacky as shit to beg for money.

justsie

WhatawagSBNy said:

Oh, no. At a shower marital advice might be fun. But not at a wedding where people who have been drinking might put something in writing they would never say sober. Damage to relationships with friends or family could come from this.

Ha! The idea of my drunken family putting marriage advice made me laugh! I have a few bad divorces amount the invites, so I can absolutely see your point.

justsie

Thank you all so much for the advice! I'll just have to grow a pair and let them know this is something I'm not willing to budge on (plus, letting the DJ know its a no-go is a great safe guard I hadn't considered). Thank you all again, its very much appreciated.
ETC: hard to guard. Apparently I was still considering that bj comment.

PhoneCardLady

As far as I know, this was a tradition of the Italians and Polish cultures.  This was brought over from the old country. Some traditions die out as time goes on but I did not say it was ok.

larrygaga

SO when FMIL tried to force me into it, after politely telling her that I wasn't comfortable I eventually blurted out that I am not dancing for money like a stripper and I would cost more than a dollar anyway.

That shut her up. She was mad at me for a long time but now I don't have anyone bothering me anymore!

FI comes from a very strong polish family. However, I am not polish and since I am the one that would be dancing around begging for cash I get the final say. Although in his family, the groom does it as well. He wasn't very happy about it either, but saw how uncomfortable it made me.

PhoneCardLady

PhoneCardLady said:

As far as I know, this was a tradition of the Italians and Polish cultures.  This was brought over from the old country. Some traditions die out as time goes on but I did not say it was ok.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Money_dance

Please note the section on the US and where the information is from:

Martin, Judith; Jacobina Martin (2010). Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding. New York: W. W. Norton & Company. pp. 62, 80–81, 273–274.

wrigleyville

PhoneCardLady said:

PhoneCardLady said:

As far as I know, this was a tradition of the Italians and Polish cultures.  This was brought over from the old country. Some traditions die out as time goes on but I did not say it was ok.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Money_dance

Please note the section on the US and where the information is from:

Martin, Judith; Jacobina Martin (2010). Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding. New York: W. W. Norton & Company. pp. 62, 80–81, 273–274.

We know where it comes from. Nobody is debating that. Your post was like walking into a room and saying, "Hey, guys! Bread has flour in it!"

runsonveggies

Just stay firm. As I told my fiance's dad (who wanted the tacky dollar dance) "We're already asking our guests to travel to the wedding and to bring a gift, I wouldn't feel comfortable asking them for more money at the wedding." End of discussion.

mikenberger

Knottie7387131 said:

Just stay firm. As I told my fiance's dad (who wanted the tacky dollar dance) "We're already asking our guests to travel to the wedding and to bring a gift, I wouldn't feel comfortable asking them for more money at the wedding." End of discussion.

But you already asked them for money for your honeymoon. It seems that the dollar dance would just be par for the course.

hellohkb

PhoneCardLady said:

You have to understand that is a tradition done at Polish and Italian weddings.

FH is Italian and Polish. We won't be having a dollar dance and it wasn't done at his sister's or other relative's weddings. Like PPs mentioned, be firm and direct with your mother.  Tell your DJ to not announce a dollar dance.  I really hope she respects your decision, OP.