What do I do when family refuse to confirm if they can be in the wedding party or not??

christinashapiro

As soon as I became engaged I knew I wanted both of my sisters and their daughters to be in my wedding party.  Both sisters as bridesmaids (the oldest as MOH) and the oldest daughter as a bridesmaid and the youngest as a flower girl.  I asked both of them right away and was told by one she would attend and the other would have to think about it.  That was six months ago, and I am still getting the "I'm not sure yet" from one and the other is saying she will be there, but since I've asked her she has started college and then lost her job and now her car has been totaled in an accident and basically things are just a mess for her.  Being it is a destination wedding she has made a few comments recently that she might not be able to afford it.  I feel like an ass even asking her again as she has so many more pressing things to deal with.

Neither sister seems to think its a big deal to give me an answer yet, and I don't want to be a crazy bride, but the wedding is 6 months away and so far I have done all of the planning myself with no input from either of them.  With a tight budget we had to start planning right away.  I hate to be selfish, but I really wanted to have a bridal shower and a bachelorette party and occasional input on decor and dresses and stuff and no one seems to have the time.  I am fine planning everything myself, my fiance has been awesome and even suggested a couples shower so we can just plan that ourselves, but I feel really stupid planning my own bachelorette party.

So, finally my question:  How long do I have to wait for them to make up their minds before I can just say, forget it and ask some cousins or friends?  And then how do I say forget it, I found someone else?  Do I send an email demanding a final answer or do I just pick someone and say, "I had to go another way??" 

OliveOilsMom

OP said:

As soon as I became engaged I knew I wanted both of my sisters and their daughters to be in my wedding party.  Both sisters as bridesmaids (the oldest as MOH) and the oldest daughter as a bridesmaid and the youngest as a flower girl.  I asked both of them right away and was told by one she would attend and the other would have to think about it.  That was six months ago, and I am still getting the "I'm not sure yet" from one and the other is saying she will be there, but since I've asked her she has started college and then lost her job and now her car has been totaled in an accident and basically things are just a mess for her.  Being it is a destination wedding she has made a few comments recently that she might not be able to afford it.  I feel like an ass even asking her again as she has so many more pressing things to deal with.

Neither sister seems to think its a big deal to give me an answer yet, and I don't want to be a crazy bride, but the wedding is 6 months away and so far I have done all of the planning myself with no input from either of them.  With a tight budget we had to start planning right away.  I hate to be selfish, but I really wanted to have a bridal shower and a bachelorette party and occasional input on decor and dresses and stuff and no one seems to have the time.  I am fine planning everything myself, my fiance has been awesome and even suggested a couples shower so we can just plan that ourselves, but I feel really stupid planning my own bachelorette party.

So, finally my question:  How long do I have to wait for them to make up their minds before I can just say, forget it and ask some cousins or friends?  And then how do I say forget it, I found someone else?  Do I send an email demanding a final answer or do I just pick someone and say, "I had to go another way??" 

You have already asked them, and while its disappointing they haven't given an official answer, you cannot unask them or ask others.  Unasking them could be relationship altering and asking others could show to your sisters they are replaceable.  Send a final email to them, and give them a deadline to answer.  Hi sister, I'm sorry to be asking again, but I am at a point where I need to start planning in terms of how many BMs I will have.  Could you please let me know by X date if you can be in the wedding?  If you do not hear from them by that date, then go ahead and plan as if they are not BMs, but don't ask anyone else.

Some things that could make it easier on your sisters, just ask them to wear any dress they already have or give them basic parameters for a dress.  They can then purchase it on their own in their timeframe. 

Also, your BMs are NOT your co-planners for your wedding.  They are your nearest and dearest and you are honoring them by having them stand by your side while you marry.  So lower your expectations that your BMs should be helping you plan, that is what your FI is for.  If you need help with decor ideas, that is what these forums are for!  We are here because we loved wedding!  Feel free to ask any wedding planning, decor, etc questions you can think of!

Also, no one is entitled to a shower or b-party.  If one is not offered to you, you should foregoe having one.  And a "couples shower" is not one thrown by the couple, for the couple.  When you plan your own shower or b-party, it looks very gift grabby and can often be seen as tacky.  You can plan a girls night out, just make it non-wedding related.

ETA: Also, change your screen name.  Internet safety and all.  If you need help then private message KnotRiley, she can change it for you.

ETA 2:  Added a word.  Thanks Flantastic!

flantastic

OliveOilsMom said:

OP said:

As soon as I became engaged I knew I wanted both of my sisters and their daughters to be in my wedding party.  Both sisters as bridesmaids (the oldest as MOH) and the oldest daughter as a bridesmaid and the youngest as a flower girl.  I asked both of them right away and was told by one she would attend and the other would have to think about it.  That was six months ago, and I am still getting the "I'm not sure yet" from one and the other is saying she will be there, but since I've asked her she has started college and then lost her job and now her car has been totaled in an accident and basically things are just a mess for her.  Being it is a destination wedding she has made a few comments recently that she might not be able to afford it.  I feel like an ass even asking her again as she has so many more pressing things to deal with.

Neither sister seems to think its a big deal to give me an answer yet, and I don't want to be a crazy bride, but the wedding is 6 months away and so far I have done all of the planning myself with no input from either of them.  With a tight budget we had to start planning right away.  I hate to be selfish, but I really wanted to have a bridal shower and a bachelorette party and occasional input on decor and dresses and stuff and no one seems to have the time.  I am fine planning everything myself, my fiance has been awesome and even suggested a couples shower so we can just plan that ourselves, but I feel really stupid planning my own bachelorette party.

So, finally my question:  How long do I have to wait for them to make up their minds before I can just say, forget it and ask some cousins or friends?  And then how do I say forget it, I found someone else?  Do I send an email demanding a final answer or do I just pick someone and say, "I had to go another way??" 

You have already asked them, and while its disappointing they haven't given an official answer, you cannot unask them or ask others.  Unasking them could be relationship altering and asking others could show to your sisters they are replaceable.  Send a final email to them, and give them a deadline to answer.  Hi sister, I'm sorry to be asking again, but I am at a point where I need to start planning in terms of how many BMs I will have.  Could you please let me know by X date if you can be in the wedding?  If you do not hear from them by that date, then go ahead and plan as if they are not BMs, but don't ask anyone else.

Some things that could make it easier on your sisters, just ask them to wear any dress they already have or give them basic parameters for a dress.  They can then purchase it on their own in their timeframe. 

Also, your BMs are not your co-planners for your wedding.  They are your nearest and dearest and you are honoring them by having them stand by your side while you marry.  So lower your expectations that your BMs should be helping you plan, that is what your FI is for.  If you need help with decor ideas, that is what these forums are for!  We are here because we loved wedding!  Feel free to ask any wedding planning, decor, etc questions you can think of!

Also, no one is entitled to a shower or b-party.  If one is not offered to you, you should foregoe having one.  And a "couples shower" is not one thrown by the couple, for the couple.  When you plan your own shower or b-party, it looks very gift grabby and can often be seen as tacky.  You can plan a girls night out, just make it non-wedding related.

ETA: Also, change your screen name.  Internet safety and all.  If you need help then private message KnotRiley, she can change it for you.

I know you meant this, so FTFY

southernbelle0915

Your post makes it sound like you expect your BMs to help you plan and throw you parties. Neither of those things are responsibilities of BMs. Anyone can throw you a shower or a bach. If no one offers, then you just don't have them. It's not the end of the world! And you can bounce ideas off of anyone, however no one is obligated to help you plan your wedding (unless it's your FI or a hired wedding planner). So in short, I'd take these two things out of the equation.

You can ask anyone you want. Even sides are not a "thing", if that's what you're worried about. Don't worry if you ask two friends and all of a sudden your sisters and nieces say yes. The more the merrier. You just need to make sure you can host them all at your RD (if having) and afford BM gifts for all of them. 

Maybe your sisters are concerned about cost. Why not let them wear whatever they want? That way, it makes no difference if they were a BM or a guest - the only difference is they're standing with you during the ceremony.  

Jen4948

Give them a deadline, and tell them that if you haven't heard from them by the deadline, you will assume that they will not be in your wedding party.

MairePoppy

IMO, it's inconsiderate of your sisters to let so much time pass without giving you an answer.Tell them you want to discuss bm dresses and you need their answer and their dress budgets by X date. You may ask your cousins to be bms without regard to your sisters'  and nieces' decisions. It doesn't matter if you have more bms than gms.

The bride and/or groom should never plan their own shower. You must wait for someone to offer to host and it doesn't have to be a bm. Bms aren't obligated to throw showers, organize bps or help plan your wedding.

runsonveggies

6 months is way too long to wait! Let them know that you need an answer or you'll have to pick other people. Personally if they didn't answer right away with a thrilled yes I'd have moved on to other people. Your bridesmaids should want to be your bridesmaids. If they're unsure about whether or not they want to be then they shouldn't be.

flantastic

Knottie7387131 said:

6 months is way too long to wait! Let them know that you need an answer or you'll have to pick other people. Personally if they didn't answer right away with a thrilled yes I'd have moved on to other people. Your bridesmaids should want to be your bridesmaids. If they're unsure about whether or not they want to be then they shouldn't be.

And your bridesmaids should feel like you wanted them, not that they were option #2 after the sisters declined. Don't ask other people.