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Wedding Woes

Limbo mom

Dear Prudence,
Two years ago, my mom was in a tragic accident on her way to work. She fell down the stairs at a train station and suffered a traumatic brain injury. She entered a coma while in the hospital and is now in a persistent vegetative state. Her doctors say there is no hope for recovery. Unfortunately, my mother did not discuss end-of-life treatment options with anyone, and my father refuses to consider the withdrawal of her feeding tube. Two years later, I have worked through most of my grief and consider my mother to have died shortly after her accident. But I find myself unable to address the issue of my mother with new friends. I am also not interested in discussing the particulars of her prognosis or my family’s conflicts in this matter, and legally my mother is not dead. Any suggestions on how I talk briefly about my mother’s current state without having to leave things open for discussion?

—Still Loves Mom

Re: Limbo mom

  • That is a tough situation.  I'd probably just be a vague with "my mom is no longer with me."  If the friendship continues she can give the details she's comfortable with.
  • I had this happen with a friend. Her father had cancer, and during a surgery to remove a tumor ended up having complications. He is now pretty much gone. She said that afterwords, she did consider him dead. But that it was more for her- because it was just easier to say "he's not my dad, that man almost died but came back as a vegetable, and therefore I have no dad anymore". That didn't resolve these same issues that she had though because he isn't truly dead. I guess he does respond to some things, and her family did not share her belief so they would ask her to come celebrate holidays, etc. with them while they visited with him. It's surprising how much people don't ask when you say "yeah, my dad has been in a vegetative state for X years due to some surgical complications". She said she doesn't get a lot of probing questions after that. I guess people don't know what to say, or just have enough sense to know to not ask more.
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