Eloping? Parental Issues.

fredburkle

I'll try to make this as brief as possible.

I recently went through major fighting with my family. My brother is a drug addict and theft and my parents are huge enablers. They have lied and manipulated me into believing he's "clean" time and time again so I will bring my son over to visit. I finally put my foot down and said, "Enough is enough" and have put them on time out for a long time. I need a major break from all the ups and downs they've put me through. I was physically and emotionally abused by my father as a child and my mother did nothing so I'm holding her culpable for it as well. I'm comfortable with this decision and it was not an easy choice to make.

In the midst of all this, my fiancé and I got engaged. We were considering planning a wedding until sh*t hit the fan and if we do have a wedding, my parents and brother will not be invited. End of story.

Would it be in my best interest to elope? I really want to be able to celebrate with my family and friends but I want to avoid the entire sh*tstorm that might come from aunts and uncles if I don't invite my parents and brother. Part of me doesn't think it's fair that I can't have a wedding because some of my family members suck and I should do it, drama be damned, and the other part of me thinks I should elope with my fiancé and our kids.

What would you do?

thisismynickname2

Gosh, I'm sorry to hear this. 

Given the situation with your parents and brother, are other family members aware? Would they really give you a hard time?

I don't necessarily think you should elope if want you really want is a wedding with other family and friends present. If you're no longer speaking to your parents and brother, you just continue no longer speaking to them, don't engage if/when other people ask, and have the wedding you want. 

That's my two cents. Others on these boards have eloped and may be a lot more helpful. 

southernbelle0915

I'm really sorry to hear about your history with your mom and dad, plus the recent drama with your brother. Family can be so heartbreaking...

Just because they will not be invited does not mean you should elope. If you want to celebrate with family and friends, you should - just don't invite your parents/brother. Sure that may cause drama. But you just need to stand firm. Those who don't support you do not have to attend.

Are y'all from the same town? If not, have the wedding in your FI's home town - it might decrease the likelihood of familial crashers. 

And just as a side note, if you elope, it's still a wedding. It's just a private wedding.

fredburkle

My family knows about my brother's drug and jail problems, but they don't know about the abuse. I've never told them about it in fear of them punishing me in some way, even though I'm 29 now and shouldn't have to worry about that.

I would assume they'd understand me not inviting my brother, but not my parents. My sister has told me to "get over it" so we can be a family again, and she's also THISCLOSE to serving the same fate as my parents and brother. It's rough.

WhatawagSBNy

southernbelle0915 said:

I'm really sorry to hear about your history with your mom and dad, plus the recent drama with your brother. Family can be so heartbreaking...

Just because they will not be invited does not mean you should elope. If you want to celebrate with family and friends, you should - just don't invite your parents/brother. Sure that may cause drama. But you just need to stand firm. Those who don't support you do not have to attend.

Are y'all from the same town? If not, have the wedding in your FI's home town - it might decrease the likelihood of familial crashers. 

And just as a side note, if you elope, it's still a wedding. It's just a private wedding.

******
I agree with Southernbelle0915 on this.
Have a smaller wedding without Mom, Dad and brother, with FI's family central, and your friends.


If you cannot talk with your other family without fights, preempt them by writing ( Not EMAIL which invites fast easily misunderstood responses) a short letter as soon as you start planning, before rumors.
Let sister, aunts and uncles know that the division between you and bro, Mom and Dad is due to long standing ( unspecified) issues, and that you two and your kids hope other family will come to the small wedding you are having, because they are very important to you and feel like the only family you have right now. And say nothing but "I am sorry you feel that way. There are things you do not know, and I am not going to argue about them. I hope you will attend my wedding. " to any negative response.

If you meet any argument with silence and refuse to engage, after a while they will stop.
I hope you can get past this and have a nice wedding of the kind you want.

fredburkle

FI's family lives 3,000 miles away in California (I live in New England) so that's totally an option. It'll just be out of some of our friends' budget to travel there, since all of our friends are in NE.

I think if I do have a wedding, I'll alert the venue to some of the issues that could arise. Only people with an invitation can come, check names on a list, etc. I wouldn't put it past my parents to just show up the day of under the guise of "family". They, of course, wouldn't get an invite, but I'm sure other members would inform them. I think the letter is a great idea to warn them not to talk to my parents/brother about it! Hopefully that'll ease any of the wedding information going out.

Eloping IS a wedding, and I apologize for that oversight. Thanks for the correction.

 

Jells2dot0

Are you super close with any of your relatives on your side? If not, why not just invite your FI's family and your friends? A person is not automatically entitled to a wedding invitation just because they are related to you.

FWIW, I eloped. My parents found out about the wedding after the fact. That is what they get for causing drama at my first wedding and not acting like adults.

fredburkle

Not super close, no. I do love them and would love for them to be there. They're really fabulous people and a ton of fun. I wouldn't invite them out of obligation, it would be because I wanted them there. I am fairly close with one of my aunts, but I'm afraid of talking to her about this because she's my mom's sister and kind of a gossip. If my extended family is going to find out about all of this, I'd rather it be from me, you know?

Not inviting them would eliminate a lot of the drama. So would eloping. FI and I have talked about doing it in California on one of the vineyards.

I just wish my parents and brother didn't suck. Ugh.

southernbelle0915

fredburkle said:

FI's family lives 3,000 miles away in California (I live in New England) so that's totally an option. It'll just be out of some of our friends' budget to travel there, since all of our friends are in NE.

I think if I do have a wedding, I'll alert the venue to some of the issues that could arise. Only people with an invitation can come, check names on a list, etc. I wouldn't put it past my parents to just show up the day of under the guise of "family". They, of course, wouldn't get an invite, but I'm sure other members would inform them. I think the letter is a great idea to warn them not to talk to my parents/brother about it! Hopefully that'll ease any of the wedding information going out.

Eloping IS a wedding, and I apologize for that oversight. Thanks for the correction.

To the first bolded - if you elope, none of your friends would even be invited anyway. This way, you can at least extend the invite. If they can't make it for whatever reason, just go out for drinks when you get back. That's probably what you'd do anyway if you eloped.

To the second bolded - I wouldn't do this. Especially if it's travel, people will forget invites at home, leave them in the hotel room, etc. Just let venue security know about potential issues and that there may be angry crashers. If you see someone, have security kick them out. Also, consider hiring private security as a separate vendor. 

lilacck28

 Intimate wedding sans parents/ brother or eloping or big wedding sans parents/brother ... any of these options is okay. I'm sorry you have to make the choice. I don't think you should elope unless you want to, but it's good to be aware/ prepared that you maybe (probably?) will get some "huhs" and drama from family if they learn about your parents not being invited ahead of time.  It might help to get married NOT near where your parents live, but you'd probably get the side eyes anyway.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  Do what makes you feel best. Invite your aunts/ uncles and friends, or just friends if you want people with you when you get married.

also... Paging @Phira

I think she went through something similar with her father, and her sister/ other family not understanding her decision. She might have some good advice.


ETA: I think it might be easiest on the day of to do an intimate wedding with your FI's immediate family, and both of your close friends, cutting out your family entirely. But, again, leading up to the wedding you'll get drama no matter what.. . And,  if you can't imagine your wedding without your aunt there, then you should invite her.... Ugh. I dunno. it's a tough decision. No right or wrong answers.

fredburkle

southernbelle0915 said:

fredburkle said:

FI's family lives 3,000 miles away in California (I live in New England) so that's totally an option. It'll just be out of some of our friends' budget to travel there, since all of our friends are in NE.

I think if I do have a wedding, I'll alert the venue to some of the issues that could arise. Only people with an invitation can come, check names on a list, etc. I wouldn't put it past my parents to just show up the day of under the guise of "family". They, of course, wouldn't get an invite, but I'm sure other members would inform them. I think the letter is a great idea to warn them not to talk to my parents/brother about it! Hopefully that'll ease any of the wedding information going out.

Eloping IS a wedding, and I apologize for that oversight. Thanks for the correction.

To the first bolded - if you elope, none of your friends would even be invited anyway. This way, you can at least extend the invite. If they can't make it for whatever reason, just go out for drinks when you get back. That's probably what you'd do anyway if you eloped.

To the second bolded - I wouldn't do this. Especially if it's travel, people will forget invites at home, leave them in the hotel room, etc. Just let venue security know about potential issues and that there may be angry crashers. If you see someone, have security kick them out. Also, consider hiring private security as a separate vendor. 

You're right about the friends/eloping thing and I didn't think of it that way. Thanks!

My brother, if I know him, will probably have warrants out for his arrest (he generally does). if I hired a local police officer to be at the venue (which, some venues I've looked at require anyway due to alcohol policies) there's no way he'd go. My parents would be a bigger issue, but they don't like dealing with the police either, so that's an option I'm keeping open.

fredburkle

lilacck28 said:

 Intimate wedding sans parents/ brother or eloping or big wedding sans parents/brother ... any of these options is okay. I'm sorry you have to make the choice. I don't think you should elope unless you want to, but it's good to be aware/ prepared that you maybe (probably?) will get some "huhs" and drama from family if they learn about your parents not being invited ahead of time.  It might help to get married NOT near where your parents live, but you'd probably get the side eyes anyway.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  Do what makes you feel best. Invite your aunts/ uncles and friends, or just friends if you want people with you when you get married.

also... Paging @Phira

I think she went through something similar with her father, and her sister/ other family not understanding her decision. She might have some good advice.

Thank you. I'm sure I'd get side eyes since this has been something they've swept under the rug for years. One of the final straws was when I brought it all up to my mom and she said, "Well, how else were you supposed to be punished?!" and "Why are you bring this up now? It happened years ago and you should be over it by now." as if there are no alternatives to abuse and I should be fine.

I just have to hope the rest of my extended family understands. It'll be a huge shock to them since it's one of those secrets that my parents have hidden for years. They LOVE playing "happy little family". They didn't know about my brother's drug problems until he made the news. They put two and two together then and knew that "Oh he's sick he won't be here for Thanksgiving" was code for "he's in jail/too strung out to come".

I hope Phira has some suggestions. Thanks!

Jen4948

fredburkle said:

My family knows about my brother's drug and jail problems, but they don't know about the abuse. I've never told them about it in fear of them punishing me in some way, even though I'm 29 now and shouldn't have to worry about that.

I would assume they'd understand me not inviting my brother, but not my parents. My sister has told me to "get over it" so we can be a family again, and she's also THISCLOSE to serving the same fate as my parents and brother. It's rough.

Anyone who tells an abuse survivor to "get over it" so THEY can be "a family" again does not deserve to be part of a family. I am sorry that your family hurt you so badly and continues to do so.

By all means, don't invite your parents or either sibling. But you don't have to elope or not invite other relatives you do feel close to just because you aren't inviting your immediate family. Just tell them (should anyone ask), "For reasons we aren't willing to discuss, they are not attending."

short+sassy

fredburkle said:

lilacck28 said:

 Intimate wedding sans parents/ brother or eloping or big wedding sans parents/brother ... any of these options is okay. I'm sorry you have to make the choice. I don't think you should elope unless you want to, but it's good to be aware/ prepared that you maybe (probably?) will get some "huhs" and drama from family if they learn about your parents not being invited ahead of time.  It might help to get married NOT near where your parents live, but you'd probably get the side eyes anyway.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  Do what makes you feel best. Invite your aunts/ uncles and friends, or just friends if you want people with you when you get married.

also... Paging @Phira

I think she went through something similar with her father, and her sister/ other family not understanding her decision. She might have some good advice.

Thank you. I'm sure I'd get side eyes since this has been something they've swept under the rug for years. One of the final straws was when I brought it all up to my mom and she said, "Well, how else were you supposed to be punished?!" and "Why are you bring this up now? It happened years ago and you should be over it by now." as if there are no alternatives to abuse and I should be fine.

I just have to hope the rest of my extended family understands. It'll be a huge shock to them since it's one of those secrets that my parents have hidden for years. They LOVE playing "happy little family". They didn't know about my brother's drug problems until he made the news. They put two and two together then and knew that "Oh he's sick he won't be here for Thanksgiving" was code for "he's in jail/too strung out to come".

I hope Phira has some suggestions. Thanks!

I know, right?  Because your brother (whom I am assuming was abused also) is such a model and upstanding citizen.  Obviously he got over that long ago abuse and is doing just dandy (sarcasm).

But seriously, I don't even know you and I am angry for you.  It's like the age old someone does something wrong and then gets mad at the person they wronged rather than admit their error. 

Congratulations on your engagement.  Revel in it!  You, your FI, and your kids have formed your own truly happy family.  Plan the wedding you and your FI want, whatever that might be.  If you decide not to elope, invite the people you want to invite who will revel in your happiness with you.  Other PPs have given great advice on what to say if you receive flack from other relatives.

OliveOilsMom

Do you think you could gauge some of your friends about the possibility of them making a wedding out to CA?  Just tell them you aren't sure where the wedding will be yet.  You can then take their answers into consideration.

To keep the drama with your family to a minimum, you can keep your engagement news on the quiet side with them.  Let the news be known, but don't tell anyone about your plans.  Just deflect any wedding questions.  "You know Aunt June, we haven't decided on flowers or a guest list yet.  Have your tried any of this bean dip yet?  It is so delicious.  What kind of beans do you think were used?"  So deflect the question and change the topic.

cowgirl8238

OP, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this.  Abuse is bad enough, but not having your family support you when you need them makes it worse.  Please, don't feel like you have to do this whithout your family and friends if you don't want to.  Your guest list can be whoever you choose to invite.  If that means some family and not others then so be it...sure it may cause some side-eyes and up turned eyebrows, but you need to do what is best for you.  Just look inside yourself and decide the kind of wedding you want given the circumstances and go from there.

fredburkle

I can drop the idea of it being in California to my friends and see how it goes! Hopefully it goes well because that'll assuage some of my fears.

Thanks for the support. I know who to invite can be touchy but I just wanted to be able to gauge the reactions of others to make sure I'm not crazy.

[Deleted User]

fredburkle said:

I can drop the idea of it being in California to my friends and see how it goes! Hopefully it goes well because that'll assuage some of my fears. Thanks for the support. I know who to invite can be touchy but I just wanted to be able to gauge the reactions of others to make sure I'm not crazy.

My situation isn't nearly as serious as yours, but I'm planning on not inviting two of my aunts, anger be damned.  My one aunt probably knows she won't be invited, for the other one though it will come as a total shock.  I know I'll hear from my grandmother and my parents, be asked to please invite them, but I have my reasons and don't feel the need to explain myself.  I hope you can be happy with your decision as it is obviously the right one for you.

fredburkle

adk19 said:

fredburkle said:

I can drop the idea of it being in California to my friends and see how it goes! Hopefully it goes well because that'll assuage some of my fears.

Thanks for the support. I know who to invite can be touchy but I just wanted to be able to gauge the reactions of others to make sure I'm not crazy.

My situation isn't nearly as serious as yours, but I'm planning on not inviting two of my aunts, anger be damned.  My one aunt probably knows she won't be invited, for the other one though it will come as a total shock.  I know I'll hear from my grandmother and my parents, be asked to please invite them, but I have my reasons and don't feel the need to explain myself.  I hope you can be happy with your decision as it is obviously the right one for you.

Thank you! I've wanted a winter wedding for a while now and I couldn't have that in CA. I have a million things to think about and knowing that I can have a bit of leeway regarding invites and such helps.

allispain

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it can be really frustrating to have to deal with family issues while trying to plan a wedding - especially trying to decide whether or not to invite people you would really rather not have there for the sake of minimizing the drama in the months leading up to your wedding day.

My situation was more mild, but I grew up with an emotionally abusive alcoholic for a father (no physical abuse). He and I were never close - but for some reason he thought we were and never thought he had done anything wrong when I was a child because "you were young and shouldn't have even remembered any of it." Right. Then he decided to leave my mother for another woman out of the blue when I was an adult, and didn't understand why I didn't 100% support this decision. Flash forward to me planning my wedding - he and I weren't even speaking. He still expected to walk me down the aisle and do a father/daughter dance. Umm. No. He and his new wife received an invitation to be guests at our wedding - they declined attending because I wasn't going to "treat him like a father." I got minor backlash from one aunt (she wrote me a letter - I wrote her one back explaining that there was a lot more to our lack of relationship than just his remarriage - the issue was never raised again). No one else said a thing to me about it - granted, everyone knew about the divorce (not the alcoholism nor the emotional abuse, as my parents kept that very quiet and did the "perfect happy family" routine as well) so I think that helped.

Basically, I put this all out there to let you know that you're not alone - and also that having family contact you and attempt to convince you to change your mind can be a reality. However, if you deal with it as PPs have suggested, it really may help. 

 Also, I did compromise by giving in to my mother's desire for me to invite my father (she wanted us to mend our bridges) - it caused me a lot of stress because I was worried that he would come and that he would say something upsetting on the wedding day. I cannot tell you how relieved I was to get back his RSVP card saying he wouldn't be attending. So, if you don't want to give in to familial pressure, stand firm!

PhoneCardLady

I am so sorry that you are going thru this.