Open Bar/Drink Maximim/Dry Reception

lovegood90

nhultberg461 said:

Say the couple has hosted the open bar, but the funds have run out, but a guest within the bridal party or family offers to continue, meaning they pay for the continuous of the open bar, but without consulting the bride and groom, is that bad?

Just host what you can afford. If that means closing the bar early, so be it. I don't get why this would ever be an issue. If you're doing open bar you should already know the price per person. If you're doing consumption bar your venue should be able to get you a ball park number.

But if you're cutting it that close that friends and family would need to pay for your bar, you should probably cut costs somewhere else to have more of a buffer- cut down your bar offerings to just beer and wine, limit decorations and centerpieces, etc.

cakemurderer

Hmm, I do get your point about accepting whatever's on offer without complaint. But I guess I think that should apply to accepting whatever the couple chooses to do in regard to drink offerings too. If only beer and wine are on offer then it's not my God-given right to demand a cosmo, so I can either drink some wine or abstain. Then again, if it's a cash bar it's also not my God-given right to have alcohol at all, so I can choose to stay sober all night.  I guess I don't find it insulting at all to have the option of alcohol with the stipulation that I have to pay for it if I want it. In either case I can choose to abstain or compromise/make a sacrifice and drink something I don't enjoy or buy something I do. Sure, I was a little annoyed to discover that the wedding I just attended was a cash bar, but that was more because there hadn't been a heads up so I didn't come prepared. Once I found a way to bum some cash I was A-OK with paying for a few drinks so I could loosen up enough to make small talk with a bunch of strangers and get out on the dance floor. The other option I had was to drink nothing but free soda. Either way I shouldn't complain because I need to accept what was offered, in this case a cash bar or free non-alcoholic beverages. I would hope most wedding guests would be just as understanding and willing to compromise at the reception.

flantastic

nhultberg461 said:

Say the couple has hosted the open bar, but the funds have run out, but a guest within the bridal party or family offers to continue, meaning they pay for the continuous of the open bar, but without consulting the bride and groom, is that bad?

You have posed this question multiple times, and the answer comes down to: No bar package works like this.

If you have an open bar, you usually contract with the venue to pay the appropriate price per person of what you're serving. You then have to pay that price, but you know up front what it is and whether it fits into your budget.

If you're having a consumption bar (where you pay for only what drinks are ordered), you don't give a venue $1000 up front and say, "Serve whatever drinks this buys us", and they won't notify you or close the bar during the event once the bill goes over some preset limit. They will host the bar for your event and afterwards send you a bill for whatever drinks your guest ordered.

banana468

I don't understand the idea that hosts just didn't budget for something mid-way through the party.

You need to figure out your budget for the event before you even finalize your guest list.   This prevents you from wondering how you're going to keep the party going through the night.

IMO, it's as comparable as buying a house and not figuring out how you're going to take care of something beyond the mortgage payment.  

nhultberg461

Say you budget enough for just the beer and wine, but parents want to include other alcohol that you didn't budget for. How would you handle that situation?

redoryx

nhultberg461 said:

Say you budget enough for just the beer and wine, but parents want to include other alcohol that you didn't budget for. How would you handle that situation?

If they want it, they can pay for it by forking over the money to add to your budget. Or, if for whatever reason (and there are some legitimate ones) you don't want their financial assistance, just tell them that the budget and bar is set and they'll just have to deal with it.

Maggie0829

Evillina said:

Hmm, I do get your point about accepting whatever's on offer without complaint. But I guess I think that should apply to accepting whatever the couple chooses to do in regard to drink offerings too. If only beer and wine are on offer then it's not my God-given right to demand a cosmo, so I can either drink some wine or abstain. Then again, if it's a cash bar it's also not my God-given right to have alcohol at all, so I can choose to stay sober all night.  I guess I don't find it insulting at all to have the option of alcohol with the stipulation that I have to pay for it if I want it. In either case I can choose to abstain or compromise/make a sacrifice and drink something I don't enjoy or buy something I do. Sure, I was a little annoyed to discover that the wedding I just attended was a cash bar, but that was more because there hadn't been a heads up so I didn't come prepared. Once I found a way to bum some cash I was A-OK with paying for a few drinks so I could loosen up enough to make small talk with a bunch of strangers and get out on the dance floor. The other option I had was to drink nothing but free soda. Either way I shouldn't complain because I need to accept what was offered, in this case a cash bar or free non-alcoholic beverages. I would hope most wedding guests would be just as understanding and willing to compromise at the reception.

But typically details about the wedding aren't really shared to everyone coming.  If one is having a buffet then the options are a complete surprise until you get there.  Same with the bar options.  It isn't like people are putting on their invite "hey don't forget to bring cash because the bar isn't being covered by us."

banana468

nhultberg461 said:

Say you budget enough for just the beer and wine, but parents want to include other alcohol that you didn't budget for. How would you handle that situation?

Then you need to come to an understanding about budget and figure out what will be offered with payments arranged and made WELL before you're in the white dress. 

lovegood90

nhultberg461 said:

Say you budget enough for just the beer and wine, but parents want to include other alcohol that you didn't budget for. How would you handle that situation?

The parents would only get a say in this if they offer to pay for the other alcohol BEFORE the wedding and before you agree/sign contracts on a bar package with your venue. If they're not paying for anything, then they get no say in the bar package and you can just politely tell them that the discussion is closed.

If you're talking about at the actual wedding, your parents say "Oh we really wanted this kind of liquor, can we offer you money for it now?" Well, no..too late.

poodledoodleooo

evilragna said:

Maggie0829 said:

When you host a party you provide only what you can afford.  If you provide things that you can't afford only because you want to offer it then that is rude.  You are basically asking your guests to supplement part of your wedding at that point.  So host what you can afford and if that is only beer and wine then so be it.  If your guests through a fit because they can't have a cosmo then that is there problem.

For example, you wouldn't host a party at your home and have beer and wine for free but then charge your guests if they wish to have a rum and coke, would you?

I see your point, but I guess I just don't agree. I'll look at it from the perspective of a guest. If I went to someone's house for a party I'd expect limited offerings (maybe the host only likes vodka martinis, so I wouldn't expect him/her to have the fixings for a margarita) so would be fine with taking what's on offer or I'd come prepared and bring my own tequila. 

However, if the party were held at a restaurant that I know has a full bar and the host ordered bottles of wine for the table, I'd be OK with going to the bar on my own and ordering a cocktail if that's what I prefer. I wouldn't expect the host to pick up my tab because I don't like dry red wine but I also wouldn't want to be the only sober one at the table. This happened recently when my mom took a group out to a restaurant, and because I know she has a limited budget and fully understand that, I paid for my own cocktails since I know she planned on only offering wine. Then again, I wouldn't do this if, say, my boss were taking the employees out. I'd either drink what's available or suck it up and stare at the wall in boredom while everyone around me gets tipsy. I guess it depends on the level of comfort with the host and how much you know about his/her financial situation. In the case of a wedding, I'd understand that a lot of expense has gone into feeding and hosting everyone so would realize that their budget may not be able to include all forms of alcohol. Like I said, I'm not much of a drinker so I'm rather limited in what I can tolerate taste-wise so would prefer to have more options, even if some of them cost me, rather than fewer offerings. I've never had the misfortune of attending a dry wedding, but know I'd never get the courage to get up and dance without a drink or two during the long night.

Anyway, it sounds like it comes down to a difference in opinion. I do see your point and ideally every couple could pay for an open bar all night for their guests, but I also see the reality and realize that not everyone has help from parents or has the kind of income that allows for that. There needs to be some wiggle room for compromise to accommodate different financial situations. When it comes time to officially plan my wedding, I know I'll have to find a bargain basement dress, wear shoes and jewelry I already own, make my own centerpieces and decor, and figure out a way to get my hair and makeup to look passably decent by myself (this would be an unprecedented event!) so that I can afford to have good food and booze at the reception. It's a matter of priorities and while I wish I could have it all, I'm willing to compromise on some things so I can have others. I just think everyone's priorities are different and that should be OK. As nice as it is to host a great thank you party for your guests, the day is also your (the couple's) day, and I'd like to think your guests understand that. That's the place I'm coming from when trying to comprehend this etiquette rule.

I understand your argument. Really, I do. My fiance wants to set up our bar this with hosted wine and beer and cash liquor, and I've had to shoot him down many, many times. When it comes down to it, I absolutely would NOT freak out if I went to wedding that required cash. Though Fi would probably be a little upset because he'd feel like a human ATM that night (I never carry cash, he always does )

But the thing is, if you bring tequila to my house for margaritas when I offer martinis and whatnot I'd be a little bit slighted. My friends and family know this. When I host a party or event you will be taken care of.  Why would you assume I wouldn't? I'd be downright pissed if someone entered my home on the assumption that I am not going to make sure that they are provided for.

If I were your mother and shelled out my money on wonderful red wine and you basically said "that's not good enough, I'm going to the bar," I'd be offended. It seems that you're saying you respect your boss much more as a host than your mother based on your relationships with these two as hosts.

Also, dry weddings are not a "misfortune." They can actually be quite lovely!

PrettyGirlLost

cakemurderer said:

Maggie0829 said:

When you host a party you provide only what you can afford.  If you provide things that you can't afford only because you want to offer it then that is rude.  You are basically asking your guests to supplement part of your wedding at that point.  So host what you can afford and if that is only beer and wine then so be it.  If your guests through a fit because they can't have a cosmo then that is there problem.

For example, you wouldn't host a party at your home and have beer and wine for free but then charge your guests if they wish to have a rum and coke, would you?

I see your point, but I guess I just don't agree. I'll look at it from the perspective of a guest. If I went to someone's house for a party I'd expect limited offerings (maybe the host only likes vodka martinis, so I wouldn't expect him/her to have the fixings for a margarita) so would be fine with taking what's on offer or I'd come prepared and bring my own tequila.   If I was throwing a party and you showed up with your own tequila, I'd think "WTF?"  Especially if you sat there and proceeded to drink the tequila yourself and not offer it up to anyone.

However, if the party were held at a restaurant that I know has a full bar and the host ordered bottles of wine for the table, I'd be OK with going to the bar on my own and ordering a cocktail if that's what I prefer. I wouldn't expect the host to pick up my tab because I don't like dry red wine but I also wouldn't want to be the only sober one at the table. This happened recently when my mom took a group out to a restaurant, and because I know she has a limited budget and fully understand that, I paid for my own cocktails since I know she planned on only offering wine. Then again, I wouldn't do this if, say, my boss were taking the employees out. I'd either drink what's available or suck it up and stare at the wall in boredom while everyone around me gets tipsy. I guess it depends on the level of comfort with the host and how much you know about his/her financial situation. In the case of a wedding, I'd understand that a lot of expense has gone into feeding and hosting everyone so would realize that their budget may not be able to include all forms of alcohol. Like I said, I'm not much of a drinker so I'm rather limited in what I can tolerate taste-wise so would prefer to have more options, even if some of them cost me, rather than fewer offerings. I've never had the misfortune of attending a dry wedding, but know I'd never get the courage to get up and dance without a drink or two during the long night.  These comments regarding alcohol and social situations suggest to me that you are pretty young and immature.

Anyway, it sounds like it comes down to a difference in opinion. I do see your point and ideally every couple could pay for an open bar all night for their guests, but I also see the reality and realize that not everyone has help from parents or has the kind of income that allows for that. There needs to be some wiggle room for compromise to accommodate different financial situations. When it comes time to officially plan my wedding, I know I'll have to find a bargain basement dress, wear shoes and jewelry I already own, make my own centerpieces and decor, and figure out a way to get my hair and makeup to look passably decent by myself (this would be an unprecedented event!) so that I can afford to have good food and booze at the reception.   Good on you!  You know how to prioritize your budget in order to properly host an event!  Perhaps you could have a longer engagement so that you had more time to save towards your wedding so that you don't have to sacrifice some of the things you mentioned, and you could still afford good food and drinks?  It's a matter of priorities and while I wish I could have it all, I'm willing to compromise on some things so I can have others. I just think everyone's priorities are different and that should be OK. As nice as it is to host a great thank you party for your guests, the day is also your (the couple's) day, and I'd like to think your guests understand that. No matter how much your guests love you, they will not be understanding if you don't feed them adequately and expect them to pay for their own drinks.  In fact, they will feel even more slighted because you supposedly love them enough to invite them to celebrate your wedding day with you.  The wedding ceremony is all about the couple.  The reception is really about the couple hosting their guests to the best of their ability.  That's why when you look at any wedding budget tool it will tell you to allocate 55%-65%. That's the place I'm coming from when trying to comprehend this etiquette rule.

PrettyGirlLost

nhultberg461 said:

Say the couple has hosted the open bar, but the funds have run out, but a guest within the bridal party or family offers to continue, meaning they pay for the continuous of the open bar, but without consulting the bride and groom, is that bad?

How is this even possible?  In the contract for your venue, you will pay upfront for x hours of open bar, or limited bar.  In taht case the funds cannot run out- you have already paid in full.

If you are talking about a consumption bar and reaching your limit prior to the end of your reception, then I guess if someone else offers to pick up the additional tab it's fine.

MandyMost

flantastic said:

nhultberg461 said:

Say the couple has hosted the open bar, but the funds have run out, but a guest within the bridal party or family offers to continue, meaning they pay for the continuous of the open bar, but without consulting the bride and groom, is that bad?

You have posed this question multiple times, and the answer comes down to: No bar package works like this.

If you have an open bar, you usually contract with the venue to pay the appropriate price per person of what you're serving. You then have to pay that price, but you know up front what it is and whether it fits into your budget.

If you're having a consumption bar (where you pay for only what drinks are ordered), you don't give a venue $1000 up front and say, "Serve whatever drinks this buys us", and they won't notify you or close the bar during the event once the bill goes over some preset limit. They will host the bar for your event and afterwards send you a bill for whatever drinks your guest ordered.

Actually, I've been to lots of venues that do work like this. For our rehearsal dinner, we served wine with dinner but asked them to let us know when we had reached a certain number of bottles, and we could decide to keep going or not. And for other events I've been to (not thrown), there was literally an open bar for the first X amount of money, and then it was a cash bar. This is (unfortunately) pretty common.

Maggie0829

MandyMost said:

flantastic said:

nhultberg461 said:

Say the couple has hosted the open bar, but the funds have run out, but a guest within the bridal party or family offers to continue, meaning they pay for the continuous of the open bar, but without consulting the bride and groom, is that bad?

You have posed this question multiple times, and the answer comes down to: No bar package works like this.

If you have an open bar, you usually contract with the venue to pay the appropriate price per person of what you're serving. You then have to pay that price, but you know up front what it is and whether it fits into your budget.

If you're having a consumption bar (where you pay for only what drinks are ordered), you don't give a venue $1000 up front and say, "Serve whatever drinks this buys us", and they won't notify you or close the bar during the event once the bill goes over some preset limit. They will host the bar for your event and afterwards send you a bill for whatever drinks your guest ordered.

Actually, I've been to lots of venues that do work like this. For our rehearsal dinner, we served wine with dinner but asked them to let us know when we had reached a certain number of bottles, and we could decide to keep going or not. And for other events I've been to (not thrown), there was literally an open bar for the first X amount of money, and then it was a cash bar. This is (unfortunately) pretty common.

Yup I have heard of this too.  Some people will only put up X amount of money towards the bar and then if that limit is reached they will either go on with consumption based, change to cash or shut the bar down.

MGP

cakemurderer said:

I guess I don't find it insulting at all to have the option of alcohol with the stipulation that I have to pay for it if I want it.

Late to the discussion but wanted to add my two cents:

It's incredibly insulting not to mention embarrassing and hurtful for people who would like to enjoy a drink that can't afford it.  Cash bars do not level the playing field for your guests.  That is why they are so rude.

Money means different things to different people.  If a couple wanted to enjoy two rounds of drinks at a cash bar wedding that would be about $50 in my area.  (2 people x 2 drinks = 4 drinks + tip)  $50 to my in laws would mean they would have to worry about how to pay their electric bill if they spent it on drinks.  $50 to my family friends would be nothing because that's how much they pay to have their Tesla valet parked (but believe me would chastise anyone who invited them to a cash bar wedding).  So my in laws' options would be to pony up the cash and worry about paying bills, or sit back and watch people like my family friends kick back and enjoy themselves with a drink and feel bad that they can't afford it?  Please, please, please tell me how this is fair and kind to treat your guests this way.

A GUEST's financial situation should not dictate the level of enjoyment they are able to have at an event that THE HOST should be financing.  This is exactly what cash bars do.