I don't know what to do, please help?

DaniBites

Hey everyone

So my FI's two sisters were in my bridal party.  One I get along with famously who has become what I would imagine a real sister would be like (only child problems).  The other I was never as close with but FI asked me to make them both bridesmaids and I did, like an idiot (I know now that I've discovered TK that I didn't have to, but the damage is done.)

The sister I'm not as close with has done nothing but trash any wedding plans she would find out about, and we stopped telling her about them.  However her and FI have continued to have their own issues, and she recently put up nasty stuff about him on FB and unfriended both of us.  (Not going to go into detail, but it was a complete drama llama move on her part.  FI didn't do anything wrong and his whole family is on FB and saw the post.)

Because of this falling out FI hasn't wanted to see or talk to her, which resulted in him not inviting her over for Christmas.  This sent her over the deep end, and she texted him and his other sister that they don't know what family is and that they're all dead to her and proceeded to be nasty and curse at them, etc.

I've been basically trying not to bring the wedding into this and concentrate on making sure FI is ok, because I know he's not happy about the situation.  I asked him once how to handle the bridal party aspect of this, and he told me he took her behavior as a resignation and to leave her out of future planning.  I was OK with this for awhile, but I'm worried now that I've thought about it more that she didn't think her actions would get her booted from the wedding party and this will cause further problems between them.  I hadn't actually planned anything since the arguing started, but I'd like to pick dresses and some of my other bridesmaids have started planning a bachelorette, so now I have to face what's going on.

I don't feel it's my place to approach her about this, should I ask FI to reach out to her and see if she's still interested in being in the wedding party?

At this point I'm not interested in having her stand up with the people I love who have supported us in our upcoming wedding, but I would suck it up so FI's family drama doesn't get any worse.

ETA- Jeez this was long!  Sorry for the ramble!

novella1186

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds very similar to what I went through with my sister. She was my MOH, then went nuts, and stopped talking to me. I kept trying to reach out to her, but she spread nasty rumors about me within my family (are we 12 years old?), was rude to my FI for no reason, and then sent me an incredibly hateful e-mail. I took that as her resignation from the bridal party.

For several months, I was in your place; I assumed she had no interest in being MOH anymore, but I wasn't sure how to proceed because I wasn't going to actually kick her out and risk making the drama worse. I ended up going to therapy because of all of it.

What I've finally figured out is that I don't need to bend over backwards to appease her, because she's going to be a bitch and find things to attack me over no matter what I do. Your FI's sister sounds the same way.

Based on my experience, my advice for you is to proceed with your plans as if she is no longer in the bridal party. Don't include her in anything. Assume she has removed herself (because as far as I'm concerned, saying everyone is dead to her is as good as removing herself from the bridal party. You can't be that involved in someone's wedding if you're claiming they are dead to you.) This is not you making more drama, this is her not being included as a result of her own shitty actions. Her actions have consequences, and now she's going to learn that. She has no one to blame but herself. You shouldn't have to have shitty, toxic people standing up with you on your wedding day, because the people next to you should only be your nearest and dearest, and that's it. Move on, and forget it. She made her bed, now she can lie in it.

AddieCake

Proceed as if she is not in the wedding party. She publicly said nasty things and then unfriended you both. She has already removed herself from the wedding party. Would you tell someone you don't like them and don't want to be friends with them and expect to still be in their wedding party? Because that's what she did, so why would she still be in the wedding?

rcher912

At most, I'd say you should text her to ask that - if she's already fighting with you FI, she could take anything coming from him as a threat. Sounds like you're the more neutral party.

But I agree with PPs, that if you think she's going to be toxic to the atmosphere (at the pre-wedding parties or at the wedding), please please don't include her. You don't have to. People always caution others NOT to remove anyone from a wedding party, as it is a relationship-ending move, but it sounds like she's already lit that fire. Make sure you're taking care of yourself and your future intended!!!!

DaniBites

Thank you ladies so much for the advice. I've wanted to post this for awhile because this situation has been taking all the joy out of planning my wedding.

rcher920 said:

At most, I'd say you should text her to ask that - if she's already fighting with you FI, she could take anything coming from him as a threat. Sounds like you're the more neutral party.

But I agree with PPs, that if you think she's going to be toxic to the atmosphere (at the pre-wedding parties or at the wedding), please please don't include her. You don't have to. People always caution others NOT to remove anyone from a wedding party, as it is a relationship-ending move, but it sounds like she's already lit that fire. Make sure you're taking care of yourself and your future intended!!!!

I can't ask her, she made it pretty clear she doesn't like me when she told FI she was glad she didn't wish me a happy birthday...another chapter in the drama that lead up to this.

Thank you again, now that I know I'm doing the right thing maybe this can start being fun again.

MobKaz

DaniBites said:

Hey everyone

So my FI's two sisters were in my bridal party.  One I get along with famously who has become what I would imagine a real sister would be like (only child problems).  The other I was never as close with but FI asked me to make them both bridesmaids and I did, like an idiot (I know now that I've discovered TK that I didn't have to, but the damage is done.)

The sister I'm not as close with has done nothing but trash any wedding plans she would find out about, and we stopped telling her about them.  However her and FI have continued to have their own issues, and she recently put up nasty stuff about him on FB and unfriended both of us.  (Not going to go into detail, but it was a complete drama llama move on her part.  FI didn't do anything wrong and his whole family is on FB and saw the post.)

Because of this falling out FI hasn't wanted to see or talk to her, which resulted in him not inviting her over for Christmas.  This sent her over the deep end, and she texted him and his other sister that they don't know what family is and that they're all dead to her and proceeded to be nasty and curse at them, etc.

I've been basically trying not to bring the wedding into this and concentrate on making sure FI is ok, because I know he's not happy about the situation.  I asked him once how to handle the bridal party aspect of this, and he told me he took her behavior as a resignation and to leave her out of future planning.  I was OK with this for awhile, but I'm worried now that I've thought about it more that she didn't think her actions would get her booted from the wedding party and this will cause further problems between them.  I hadn't actually planned anything since the arguing started, but I'd like to pick dresses and some of my other bridesmaids have started planning a bachelorette, so now I have to face what's going on.

I don't feel it's my place to approach her about this, should I ask FI to reach out to her and see if she's still interested in being in the wedding party?

At this point I'm not interested in having her stand up with the people I love who have supported us in our upcoming wedding, but I would suck it up so FI's family drama doesn't get any worse.

ETA- Jeez this was long!  Sorry for the ramble!

You also need to make a second decision as to whether you will invite her to the wedding. 

DaniBites

I know, I'm leaving that up to FI to decide when it's time for invitations to go out. He mentioned not wanting to invite her but eight months is a long time.

novella1186

Yeah my sister's drama put a huge dark cloud over our wedding planning. It really sucked all the joy out of it. But now that I'm proceeding without her, the joy has come right back into it! It's back to being about just me and my FI and our future together instead of being about her and her bullshit.

I think you'll feel so much better once you move on from this and stop involving her in things. You don't need that level of negativity and malice in your life.

And if you do end up inviting her to the wedding, make sure you give the DOC/venue manager/security/ whoever a very clear heads up that she might go nuts at the wedding and need to be removed. Let them know that if this happens, to just discretely escort her out and not bother you or your FI about it.

Congrats on being free of her!

DaniBites

I was considering doing something like that if she ends up invited, my DOC will be warned and I'll be telling the DJ she isn't allowed within ten feet of the microphone.  

Thanks so much, I'm so excited to get back into my planning!