Drama Drama Drama...HELP!

karscho

My wedding is 4 months away.  We have had a rocky wedding planning road as far as family and friends and all their drama are concerned.  The latest development I received in a text message from his sister who is one of my bridesmaids.  She told me she had bad news, and her boyfriend's college graduation is the same day as our wedding.  Her boyfriend is also one of our groomsmen.  This left me to ask, "so, what now?" not knowing where she was going with this information, since she did not say "we can't be in the bridal party", or "he can't be in the bridal party", etc.  She didn't seem to know what they were going to do about it, so I said let me know as soon as you figure it out.  Also, she has already spent money on her bridesmaid dress, and I am in the process of trying to book the salon for what I thought was going to be 5 girls...

As I am sure most will agree, a wedding is an all day event for all wedding party members... and college graduations don't just pop up overnight.  We will be getting ready in the morning, have pictures in the afternoon then the wedding will begin.  Her and her boyfriend discussed it and she thinks she can get her hair done in the morning, drive an hour and a half to the graduation ceremony, leave the grad ceremony and drive an hour and a half back and they both will be there (probably RIGHT before) the wedding begins.  The only thing is, they will miss PICTURES.

She and her boyfriend are, well, very attached... So, I don't think him backing out of being a groomsman, and her missing out on his graduation so she can stay with the bridesmaids all day, and not miss her brother's wedding pictures (which is my logical answer for this) is an option in their minds.  That being said, my thoughts are, if you can't be there for your bridesmaid duties all day, you can't be a bridesmaid.  What's the point of being a bridesmaid if you will miss out on being in your brother's wedding photos? ...and we will not have you hold up our wedding if you are late because you hit traffic.  She purchased the dress already, but if she refuses to skip out on the graduation to be my bridesmaid, then it's either you're in, or you're out, I think.  And to think I didn't even want a bridal party...I see now I should have just stuck with my gut on that one.  Anyway, what should I do?  How do you handle this situation?

mlg78

I think you need to step out of this and your FI needs to chat with his sister. The bf should have known his grad date a while ago but that ship has sailed...so he should probably just step out of the wedding party.  It's his graduation day and he should be able to not worry about the wedding and maybe he'll be able to make it to the reception.  In regards to his sister, she shouldn't go to the salon.  She can wear her hair however she wants and it'll be fine.  Hopefully she'll make it on time, but if she doesn't then you guys will still get married, nobody will question her absence and the world will keep on turning...

The night before our wedding we found out a groomsman wouldn't be able to attend and he'd likely show up halfway through the reception.  Not a single person asked, "Where's Ben?" despite him being listed in the program.

AddieCake

ZOMG SHE CAN'T BE IN THE PICTURES?!?!? Kick those assholes out. Pictures are the only thing that matters. If they can stand there as a bridesmaid and groomsman but will miss the PICTURES, it defeats the whole point of a wedding party. I mean, come on. It's the PICTURES! Being in the actual wedding doesn't even matter. Only the pictures do.

NYCMercedes

karscho said:

My wedding is 4 months away.  We have had a rocky wedding planning road as far as family and friends and all their drama are concerned.  The latest development I received in a text message from his sister who is one of my bridesmaids.  She told me she had bad news, and her boyfriend's college graduation is the same day as our wedding.  Her boyfriend is also one of our groomsmen.  This left me to ask, "so, what now?" not knowing where she was going with this information, since she did not say "we can't be in the bridal party", or "he can't be in the bridal party", etc.  She didn't seem to know what they were going to do about it, so I said let me know as soon as you figure it out.  Also, she has already spent money on her bridesmaid dress, and I am in the process of trying to book the salon for what I thought was going to be 5 girls...

As I am sure most will agree, a wedding is an all day event for all wedding party members... and college graduations don't just pop up overnight.  We will be getting ready in the morning, have pictures in the afternoon then the wedding will begin.  Her and her boyfriend discussed it and she thinks she can get her hair done in the morning, drive an hour and a half to the graduation ceremony, leave the grad ceremony and drive an hour and a half back and they both will be there (probably RIGHT before) the wedding begins.  The only thing is, they will miss PICTURES.

She and her boyfriend are, well, very attached... So, I don't think him backing out of being a groomsman, and her missing out on his graduation so she can stay with the bridesmaids all day, and not miss her brother's wedding pictures (which is my logical answer for this) is an option in their minds.  That being said, my thoughts are, if you can't be there for your bridesmaid duties all day, you can't be a bridesmaid.  What's the point of being a bridesmaid if you will miss out on being in your brother's wedding photos? ...and we will not have you hold up our wedding if you are late because you hit traffic.  She purchased the dress already, but if she refuses to skip out on the graduation to be my bridesmaid, then it's either you're in, or you're out, I think.  And to think I didn't even want a bridal party...I see now I should have just stuck with my gut on that one.  Anyway, what should I do?  How do you handle this situation?

You're off base. As PP said, she doesn't need to get her hair done, if she and he make the wedding good, if not, then that's too bad, and picture hour is not the most important part of their day or your wedding. Let your brother handle it. Btw, bridesmaids have no duty to be with you all day.

NYCMercedes

Oh, and relax and have a margarita.

ohannabelle

There's nothing to handle.

You ask your bridesmaids to stand up with you because you're honoring them. You're designating them as a person who is very important in your life.

Asking a bridesmaid to step down is a friendship ending move. If she chooses to decline, that's her choice and responsibility.

Considering that this is your Fiancé's sister, you probably want pleasant relationships with his family, for your own sake as well as his. In the interest of future smooth sailing, I'd let it go. 

She's offered a solution, which is attending both events. Why not? It'll be a pain in her ass, not yours. She's caught between two once in a lifetime events, between two very important people in her life.

If she can choose both, that's good. 

If she's late, she's late. Her problem. I would walk down the aisle and get married, anyway. 

The picture thing. Here's the truth. Wedding pictures aren't meant to be an idealized version of a fantasy world for a day. They're meant to be a record of the actual day, and all the things that happen. In your case, you'll have pictures of 4 out of 5 girls in some shots, and then yay! Pictures of your new sister in law arriving to give you hugs and join the fun. If that's what happens, no big deal. 

Don't stress this one. It will accomplish nothing. 

flantastic

I had a BM who missed all the post-wedding pictures during cocktail hour because she had to nurse her 3-month-old. She's in the pictures of the ceremony and the reception, because she could be there for those things, most of the time. Everything was okay.

Your fiance's sister will do what she wants to do. She's planning to come to the wedding, which is the important part. If you kick her out of the wedding party, she would rightfully resent you, which is not good since she's family. If she shows up after people walk down the aisle, oh well. She doesn't do that.

What is the issue here?

novella1186

The important part is for her to be standing up with you guys during the ceremony. And she's trying her best to be able to do that. Obviously her boyfriend is also important to her, thus his graduation is very important to her. The PICTURES are not what matters. Not in the least.

You can always take a couple photos with her (or she and her brother can get a photo together) ANY TIME AFTER THE CEREMONY.

To be honest, your post sounds extremely petty and selfish. I can't believe you would kick your FI's sister out for missing getting ready and taking some photos. Wow.

rcher912

I also don't think this merits the thread title, either. She definitely should have checked the dates earlier, but now that the situation is apparent, she's going to do what she's going to do. And if that means doing her best to make it to both events, then...good luck to her!! But just let her (and possibly your FI) make this decisions).

You'll get photos with her during the ceremony, reception, cocktail hour...there will be plenty of time for other pictures.

And as for booking the salon, it's always easier to cancel an appointment then add one - make it for 5, and if she can't make it call back and tell them so. They don't care as long as you do it early enough!

STARMOON44

I think skipping pictures but making it to the ceremony actually sounds like a really good plan for both of them. Just ask your photographer to get a shot of the complete group after the ceremony.

lovesclimbing

karscho said:

My wedding is 4 months away.  We have had a rocky wedding planning road as far as family and friends and all their drama are concerned.  The latest development I received in a text message from his sister who is one of my bridesmaids.  She told me she had bad news, and her boyfriend's college graduation is the same day as our wedding.  Her boyfriend is also one of our groomsmen.  This left me to ask, "so, what now?" not knowing where she was going with this information, since she did not say "we can't be in the bridal party", or "he can't be in the bridal party", etc.  She didn't seem to know what they were going to do about it, so I said let me know as soon as you figure it out.  Also, she has already spent money on her bridesmaid dress, and I am in the process of trying to book the salon for what I thought was going to be 5 girls...

As I am sure most will agree, a wedding is an all day event for all wedding party members... and college graduations don't just pop up overnight.  We will be getting ready in the morning, have pictures in the afternoon then the wedding will begin.  Her and her boyfriend discussed it and she thinks she can get her hair done in the morning, drive an hour and a half to the graduation ceremony, leave the grad ceremony and drive an hour and a half back and they both will be there (probably RIGHT before) the wedding begins.  The only thing is, they will miss PICTURES.

She and her boyfriend are, well, very attached... So, I don't think him backing out of being a groomsman, and her missing out on his graduation so she can stay with the bridesmaids all day, and not miss her brother's wedding pictures (which is my logical answer for this) is an option in their minds.  That being said, my thoughts are, if you can't be there for your bridesmaid duties all day, you can't be a bridesmaid.  What's the point of being a bridesmaid if you will miss out on being in your brother's wedding photos? ...and we will not have you hold up our wedding if you are late because you hit traffic.  She purchased the dress already, but if she refuses to skip out on the graduation to be my bridesmaid, then it's either you're in, or you're out, I think.  And to think I didn't even want a bridal party...I see now I should have just stuck with my gut on that one.  Anyway, what should I do?  How do you handle this situation?

I think what she has planned is just fine.  She will end up in the ceremony photos probably.  You can potentially grab a couple quick photos later as well.

I would not kick her out.  This is your soon-to-be husband's sister!  It would probably seriously damage any future relationship with her.

I do think its a silly of them to not have checked graduation dates earlier, though.  You can bet your everything that I knew my graduation date the day fall semester started, if not earlier.  (It helps that my college has the same graduation date every year.)

Maggie0829

I don't see that there is anything to handle.  Her boyfriend is graduating from college (which is kind of a big deal) and she wants to be there for him.  She has also figured out a way to be there for her brothers wedding as well.  So what is the problem?  That they won't be in some of your pictures?  Oh well.  Take some quick pictures with them after the ceremony.  Problem solved.

amelisha

I know at my university, grad dates were set a long way in advance but we didn't find out which of those dates would be ours until around this time of year...so this really may not have been something wholly preventable.

Other than that, I'm with the majority- missing pictures but being there for the rest seems like a great compromise.

KatWAG

Sounds like you are the one making drama.

Take pictures after the ceremony.

tammym1001

It sounds like she had a problem, came up with a solution, and will have to be the one to implement it. I think she did a really nice job of navigating a difficult situation and you should be thankful you have a such an organized and thoughtful BM. Missing a few pictures isn't going to be a big deal in the grand scheme of things so let her do what she needs to do so she can attend the wedding and also see her bf graduate. 

PrettyGirlLost

karscho said:

My wedding is 4 months away.  We have had a rocky wedding planning road as far as family and friends and all their drama are concerned.  The latest development I received in a text message from his sister who is one of my bridesmaids.  She told me she had bad news, and her boyfriend's college graduation is the same day as our wedding.  Her boyfriend is also one of our groomsmen.  This left me to ask, "so, what now?" not knowing where she was going with this information, since she did not say "we can't be in the bridal party", or "he can't be in the bridal party", etc.  She didn't seem to know what they were going to do about it, so I said let me know as soon as you figure it out.  Also, she has already spent money on her bridesmaid dress, and I am in the process of trying to book the salon for what I thought was going to be 5 girls...

As I am sure most will agree, a wedding is an all day event for all wedding party members... and college graduations don't just pop up overnight.  We will be getting ready in the morning,have pictures in the afternoon then the wedding will begin.  Her and her boyfriend discussed it and she thinks she can get her hair done in the morning, drive an hour and a half to the graduation ceremony, leave the grad ceremony and drive an hour and a half back and they both will be there (probably RIGHT before) the wedding begins.  The only thing is, they will miss PICTURES.  OMG no, the horror!!!!  Take pictures with them after the ceremony, then.  College graduation is a big fucking deal to most people.  You should be supportive of this and your FSIL's plan sounds great.  She's making an effort to make it work.  You need to be a grown up and be flexible as well.

She and her boyfriend are, well, very attached... Most people are attached to those they are dating, engaged to, married to.  This comment is just petty and a poor attempt at throwing shade.  So, I don't think him backing out of being a groomsman, and her missing out on his graduation so she can stay with the bridesmaids all day, and not miss her brother's wedding pictures (which is my logical answer for this) is an option in their minds.  Of course it's not an option!  watching your SO graduated from college trumps sitting around all day getting your hair and makeup done with a high strung bride and the rest of her BMS, sorrynotsorry.  Again, take pictures with them after the ceremony.  Stop being selfish and inflexible.  That being said, my thoughts are, if you can't be there for your bridesmaid duties all day, you can't be a bridesmaid.  Oh Lord Jesus. . . she will be there for all of her BM duties- the entirety of those duties are to show up on time and dressed for your ceremony.  That's it!  You need to manage your expectations.  Your Prima Donna is showing.  What's the point of being a bridesmaid if you will miss out on being in your brother's wedding photos? Uh the point is to be honored by the couple by being asked to stand up publicly in support of their marriage.  Being in pictures- which can be taken after the ceremony- is not the point at all.   ...and we will not have you hold up our wedding if you are late because you hit traffic.  Well, then!  You told her!  She purchased the dress already, but if she refuses to skip out on the graduation to be my bridesmaid, then it's either you're in, or you're out, I think.  You know, YOU CAN TAKE PICTURES AFTER THE CEREMONY TOO!!!!  Or is your photog gonna turn into a pumpkin once the ceremony is over.  I'd hire a different photog, if that is the case.  And to think I didn't even want a bridal party...I see now I should have just stuck with my gut on that one.  Uh yeah, you should have done everyone a favor and not had a WP so they didn't have to put up with your entitled behavior ><  Anyway, what should I do?  How do you handle this situation?

How do you handle it?  You grow up, get over yourself, and tell your FSIL  that you will see her as you all walk down the aisle and you are as excited for her SO's graduation as you are for your wedding.

rdixon571

What I think is that everyone is calling you bitchy and that you are validated in being frustrated.  In my opinion, a brother is a brother and a boyfriend-not-yet-a-fiance is still a boyfriend.  But then again, I also wanted to skip my own college graduation because I didn't think it was that important to stand up and receive my degree rather than just get it mailed and save myself 5 hours of my life.  My parents made me to to graduation however and that's neither here nor there.

I'd say, don't let the hassling on here get you down, think about it awhile, see about possibly doing the pictures during the cocktail hour between ceremony and reception instead of before the wedding, buying your future sister in law a radar detector and telling her to drive it like she stole it.  (jokes, jokes... no need for anyone to snark about endangering her life)  lol  But I hope that gave you a small chuckle.  

I don't place a high importance on formal pics anyways... I only care about pics of the hilarious drunken party after the ceremony so my opinion is biased that way.  

JCbride2015

rdixon571 said:

What I think is that everyone is calling you bitchy and that you are validated in being frustrated.  In my opinion, a brother is a brother and a boyfriend-not-yet-a-fiance is still a boyfriend.  But then again, I also wanted to skip my own college graduation because I didn't think it was that important to stand up and receive my degree rather than just get it mailed and save myself 5 hours of my life.  My parents made me to to graduation however and that's neither here nor there.

I'd say, don't let the hassling on here get you down, think about it awhile, see about possibly doing the pictures during the cocktail hour between ceremony and reception instead of before the wedding, buying your future sister in law a radar detector and telling her to drive it like she stole it.  (jokes, jokes... no need for anyone to snark about endangering her life)  lol  But I hope that gave you a small chuckle.  

I don't place a high importance on formal pics anyways... I only care about pics of the hilarious drunken party after the ceremony so my opinion is biased that way.  

Why am I not shocked by this?

PPs told her not to worry about her problem.  Nobody is "hassling" her.

PrettyGirlLost

rdixon571 said:

What I think is that everyone is calling you bitchy and that you are validated in being frustrated.  In my opinion, a brother is a brother and a boyfriend-not-yet-a-fiance is still a boyfriend.  But then again, I also wanted to skip my own college graduation because I didn't think it was that important to stand up and receive my degree rather than just get it mailed and save myself 5 hours of my life.  My parents made me to to graduation however and that's neither here nor there.

I'd say, don't let the hassling on here get you down, think about it awhile, see about possibly doing the pictures during the cocktail hour between ceremony and reception instead of before the wedding, buying your future sister in law a radar detector and telling her to drive it like she stole it.  (jokes, jokes... no need for anyone to snark about endangering her life)  lol  But I hope that gave you a small chuckle.  

I don't place a high importance on formal pics anyways... I only care about pics of the hilarious drunken party after the ceremony so my opinion is biased that way.  

Just because she won't skip her BF's college graduation to "get ready together" with the bride and do pre-ceremony portraits doesn't mean this woman doesn't love and value her brother and his wedding.  I don't agree with the suggestion that a BF is not as significant of a sig other as a FI or husband, either.  We have no idea how long they have been dating or how serious they are.  And that's all irrelevant to the fact that the FSIL is trying to compromise and the OP is pouting and being inflexible.

Graduation > "getting ready together" for someone else's wedding, which largely involves everyone just sitting around for hours upon end, even if there is a stylist and MUA for each individual girl.  Just calling a spade a spade after being in something like 10+ weddings.  And if the main concern is the pre-ceremony photos, I don't see why OP can't take photos with FSIL after the ceremony in the same spot as she took the pre-ceremony shots with the rest of the BMs.  Do group BM and bride shots after the ceremony.

There are solutions.

[Deleted User]

Sounds like the sister is in a no win situation. She wants to be there for her brother (and you) yet still be there for her boyfriend on what is an important date in his life. Unfortunately, they happen to fall on the same date. I think you need to talk to FI about how he feels not having his sister there for pics & if doing family pics after the ceremony is an option. Also be prepared that if the ceremony runs longer then planned or there is traffic, she may not make it at all to the ceremony. I think the two of you together need to decide if you want to tell them and sit down with them and work out a plan.

plainjane0415

rdixon571 said:

What I think is that everyone is calling you bitchy and that you are validated in being frustrated.  In my opinion, a brother is a brother and a boyfriend-not-yet-a-fiance is still a boyfriend.  But then again, I also wanted to skip my own college graduation because I didn't think it was that important to stand up and receive my degree rather than just get it mailed and save myself 5 hours of my life.  My parents made me to to graduation however and that's neither here nor there.

I'd say, don't let the hassling on here get you down, think about it awhile, see about possibly doing the pictures during the cocktail hour between ceremony and reception instead of before the wedding, buying your future sister in law a radar detector and telling her to drive it like she stole it.  (jokes, jokes... no need for anyone to snark about endangering her life)  lol  But I hope that gave you a small chuckle.  

I don't place a high importance on formal pics anyways... I only care about pics of the hilarious drunken party after the ceremony so my opinion is biased that way.  

Yeah, no.

AddieCake

rdixon571 said:

What I think is that everyone is calling you bitchy and that you are validated in being frustrated.  In my opinion, a brother is a brother and a boyfriend-not-yet-a-fiance is still a boyfriend.  But then again, I also wanted to skip my own college graduation because I didn't think it was that important to stand up and receive my degree rather than just get it mailed and save myself 5 hours of my life.  My parents made me to to graduation however and that's neither here nor there.

I'd say, don't let the hassling on here get you down, think about it awhile, see about possibly doing the pictures during the cocktail hour between ceremony and reception instead of before the wedding, buying your future sister in law a radar detector and telling her to drive it like she stole it.  (jokes, jokes... no need for anyone to snark about endangering her life)  lol  But I hope that gave you a small chuckle.  

I don't place a high importance on formal pics anyways... I only care about pics of the hilarious drunken party after the ceremony so my opinion is biased that way.  

Oh, FFS.

runsonveggies

I actually just found out that I will get to walk this May (I don't actually graduate til July) and only just found out the actual date yesterday... so I don't think it's that strange that they just found out about the graduation. A graduation is a pretty big deal so they probably won't be able to be a part of the wedding party if you do expect them to dedicate the entire day to you. Either you need to have fewer attendants (cut them out), replace them, or reevaluate your expectations of your attendants. Pictures aren't that big a deal, wouldn't you rather have your friend/future sister-in-law standing next to you when you get married? If not then she doesn't need to be your bridesmaid anyways.

Viczaesar

Knottie7387131 said:

I actually just found out that I will get to walk this May (I don't actually graduate til July) and only just found out the actual date yesterday... so I don't think it's that strange that they just found out about the graduation. A graduation is a pretty big deal so they probably won't be able to be a part of the wedding party if you do expect them to dedicate the entire day to you. Either you need to have fewer attendants (cut them out), replace them, or reevaluate your expectations of your attendants. Pictures aren't that big a deal, wouldn't you rather have your friend/future sister-in-law standing next to you when you get married? If not then she doesn't need to be your bridesmaid anyways.

No.

fwtx5815

Knottie7387131 said:

I actually just found out that I will get to walk this May (I don't actually graduate til July) and only just found out the actual date yesterday... so I don't think it's that strange that they just found out about the graduation. A graduation is a pretty big deal so they probably won't be able to be a part of the wedding party if you do expect them to dedicate the entire day to you. Either you need to have fewer attendants (cut them out), replace them, or reevaluate your expectations of your attendants. Pictures aren't that big a deal, wouldn't you rather have your friend/future sister-in-law standing next to you when you get married? If not then she doesn't need to be your bridesmaid anyways.

This is bad advice. You don't "cut" people from the wedding party like a coach does for varsity tryouts. And you don't fill their place by asking someone else to step in. That's rude not only to the BM that has the time constraint, but it also lets the new person know that they were second string.

PPs are correct in that this really isn't an issue.

dcbride86

rdixon571 said:

What I think is that everyone is calling you bitchy and that you are validated in being frustrated.  In my opinion, a brother is a brother and a boyfriend-not-yet-a-fiance is still a boyfriend.  But then again, I also wanted to skip my own college graduation because I didn't think it was that important to stand up and receive my degree rather than just get it mailed and save myself 5 hours of my life.  My parents made me to to graduation however and that's neither here nor there.

I'd say, don't let the hassling on here get you down, think about it awhile, see about possibly doing the pictures during the cocktail hour between ceremony and reception instead of before the wedding, buying your future sister in law a radar detector and telling her to drive it like she stole it.  (jokes, jokes... no need for anyone to snark about endangering her life)  lol  But I hope that gave you a small chuckle.  

I don't place a high importance on formal pics anyways... I only care about pics of the hilarious drunken party after the ceremony so my opinion is biased that way.  

No.  She would be validated in being DISAPPOINTED.  I would be disappointed if one of my BMs couldn't make it to my bachelorette party or couldn't get ready with us because I love my BMs and want to share this experience with them.  I wouldn't be frustrated with them or disappointed in them - just in the situation that led to less hang-out time.  But I would recognize that disappointment was a bit selfish, and would never share that with the BM.  I would tell the BM how excited I was for her to watch her SO graduate from college, and to let me know if I could do anything to help them arrive to the ceremony smoothly.  And, of course, that we would do photos after the ceremony.

levioosa

Knottie7387131 said:

I actually just found out that I will get to walk this May (I don't actually graduate til July) and only just found out the actual date yesterday... so I don't think it's that strange that they just found out about the graduation. A graduation is a pretty big deal so they probably won't be able to be a part of the wedding party if you do expect them to dedicate the entire day to you. Either you need to have fewer attendants (cut them out), replace them, or reevaluate your expectations of your attendants. Pictures aren't that big a deal, wouldn't you rather have your friend/future sister-in-law standing next to you when you get married? If not then she doesn't need to be your bridesmaid anyways.

Terrible advice.

All your "attendants" are required to do is show up on time, sober, and in the dress in good spirits.  That's it.  If you have more expectations you are doing it wrong.  The only people required to help plan and pay for the wedding are the bride and groom. 

Maggie0829

Knottie7387131 said:

I actually just found out that I will get to walk this May (I don't actually graduate til July) and only just found out the actual date yesterday... so I don't think it's that strange that they just found out about the graduation. A graduation is a pretty big deal so they probably won't be able to be a part of the wedding party if you do expect them to dedicate the entire day to you. Either you need to have fewer attendants (cut them out), replace them, or reevaluate your expectations of your attendants. Pictures aren't that big a deal, wouldn't you rather have your friend/future sister-in-law standing next to you when you get married? If not then she doesn't need to be your bridesmaid anyways.

FTFY