I Think This is Wrong But Not Sure How to Handle It

nhultberg461

So my fiancé is a stroke survivor, and is still in the recovering phase. We are not sure if he will be going back to work this year yet or not. We have a tentative date set for June 4, 2016, but if he is unable to go back this year we have to move the wedding up. And to keep the same date, it would fall on a Thursday, which means that the ceremony would be a very small ceremony. But question is, say we have to get married this year (for insurance reasons), but our guests are not able to make it to the ceremony, would it be wrong to say hold a vow renewal in a year so that you we can have the renewal ceremony and reception then for everyone? Majority of our guest are not local.

I think I saw somewhere that it would be wrong, but wasn't sure how to handle this as we are not sure yet. And if we have it this year it will definitely affect our budget.

flantastic

nhultberg461 said:

So my fiancé is a stroke survivor, and is still in the recovering phase. We are not sure if he will be going back to work this year yet or not. We have a tentative date set for June 4, 2016, but if he is unable to go back this year we have to move the wedding up. And to keep the same date, it would fall on a Thursday, which means that the ceremony would be a very small ceremony. But question is, say we have to get married this year (for insurance reasons), but our guests are not able to make it to the ceremony, would it be wrong to say hold a vow renewal in a year so that you we can have the renewal ceremony and reception then for everyone? Majority of our guest are not local.

I think I saw somewhere that it would be wrong, but wasn't sure how to handle this as we are not sure yet. And if we have it this year it will definitely affect our budget.

If you are being honest about being married and the fact that it's a vow renewal, and you host everyone properly, it's fine. I think, as do many other people, that vow renewals after one year are silly and I probably wouldn't bother to make the trip.

Why is it important to "keep the same date"? What does that mean?

nhultberg461

It's an easy date for him to remember, as we have two 64 fords. Numbers are an issue during his recovery.

badbnagdway

If you change the year, why not also change the date? Why keep it June 4? 

It is perfectly acceptable to have a wedding with a small guest list you can afford. You could also have a bigger guest list but have your wedding at a non-meal time and have a cake and punch reception if that would be in the budget. There are a lot of perfectly lovely options as long as you host your guests properly. 

What you cannot do is have a second wedding. If you choose to have a larger vow renewal later you need to forego wedding specific things, like registering for gifts, having a wedding party, etc.

dolewhipper

nhultberg461 said:

So my fiancé is a stroke survivor, and is still in the recovering phase. We are not sure if he will be going back to work this year yet or not. We have a tentative date set for June 4, 2016, but if he is unable to go back this year we have to move the wedding up. And to keep the same date, it would fall on a Thursday, which means that the ceremony would be a very small ceremony. But question is, say we have to get married this year (for insurance reasons), but our guests are not able to make it to the ceremony, would it be wrong to say hold a vow renewal in a year so that you we can have the renewal ceremony and reception then for everyone? Majority of our guest are not local.

I think I saw somewhere that it would be wrong, but wasn't sure how to handle this as we are not sure yet. And if we have it this year it will definitely affect our budget.

Regardless of why you both decide to get married is your life. However once you get married, you are MARRIED. To have a vow renewal is a little...much. You will not have your wedding cake, spotlight dances, ect that a wedding reception is comprised of. Also, how do you think you will host the guests of your actual ceremony? You will have some kind of refreshments to thank them, of course.

My sister married a guy in the military. He was on leave and didn't know when he would get another chance to come home. They planned their wedding in 3 months, had 40 people there, and it was awesome. They didn't want to wait, and people understood. But that was her wedding. She didn't have a vow renewal because that's just silly.

On the flip side, my father had stage 4 stomach cancer. It was in remission but he and my step mom knew it would come back, and it would come back for vengeance. They did have vow renewals every year on their anniversary, but it was just for the two of them, no one was invited, and no party.

Please also be aware in some states, getting married to receive health insurance is fraud, and you can get jail time. 

flantastic

nhultberg461 said:

It's an easy date for him to remember, as we have two 64 fords. Numbers are an issue during his recovery.

Interesting. In any other circumstance, I would say that the particular date doesn't matter and to choose a new one if necessary, but you'll have to make the judgment call on this. It may not matter later when his memory improves, but I imagine the association with the cars helps now for planning.

If I were a friend of yours who didn't come to the small Thursday ceremony, either because I wasn't invited or couldn't make the trip, I would probably just realize that I missed your wedding, congratulate you, and move on with my life while being happy for my newly-married friends. I wouldn't be up for making a trip just to celebrate your recent marriage in a year.

nhultberg461

dolewhipper said:

nhultberg461 said:

So my fiancé is a stroke survivor, and is still in the recovering phase. We are not sure if he will be going back to work this year yet or not. We have a tentative date set for June 4, 2016, but if he is unable to go back this year we have to move the wedding up. And to keep the same date, it would fall on a Thursday, which means that the ceremony would be a very small ceremony. But question is, say we have to get married this year (for insurance reasons), but our guests are not able to make it to the ceremony, would it be wrong to say hold a vow renewal in a year so that you we can have the renewal ceremony and reception then for everyone? Majority of our guest are not local.

I think I saw somewhere that it would be wrong, but wasn't sure how to handle this as we are not sure yet. And if we have it this year it will definitely affect our budget.

Regardless of why you both decide to get married is your life. However once you get married, you are MARRIED. To have a vow renewal is a little...much. You will not have your wedding cake, spotlight dances, ect that a wedding reception is comprised of. Also, how do you think you will host the guests of your actual ceremony? You will have some kind of refreshments to thank them, of course.

My sister married a guy in the military. He was on leave and didn't know when he would get another chance to come home. They planned their wedding in 3 months, had 40 people there, and it was awesome. They didn't want to wait, and people understood. But that was her wedding. She didn't have a vow renewal because that's just silly.

On the flip side, my father had stage 4 stomach cancer. It was in remission but he and my step mom knew it would come back, and it would come back for vengeance. They did have vow renewals every year on their anniversary, but it was just for the two of them, no one was invited, and no party.

Please also be aware in some states, getting married to receive health insurance is fraud, and you can get jail time. 

We work for the same company that's how we met, but per company policy, if you are out of long term disability they tell you that a year from the date you went out they terminate your insurance. We are still getting married regardless.

nhultberg461

flantastic said:

nhultberg461 said:

It's an easy date for him to remember, as we have two 64 fords. Numbers are an issue during his recovery.

Interesting. In any other circumstance, I would say that the particular date doesn't matter and to choose a new one if necessary, but you'll have to make the judgment call on this. It may not matter later when his memory improves, but I imagine the association with the cars helps now for planning.

If I were a friend of yours who didn't come to the small Thursday ceremony, either because I wasn't invited or couldn't make the trip, I would probably just realize that I missed your wedding, congratulate you, and move on with my life while being happy for my newly-married friends. I wouldn't be up for making a trip just to celebrate your recent marriage in a year.

I'm grateful that our family and friends are all aware of this possibility. I just wanted to see what would be the proper thing to do. I realize that having a vow renewal a year after the actual date does seem improper, but given the circumstances, that's why I was wonder what would be the right way to handle it. I know that my parents would do what they could to be here, and so would my bms, but not sure about the other guests on our list.

short+sassy

I'm so sorry to hear about your FI.  I hope his recovery is swift.

There is nothing wrong with getting married this year or next and then having a vow renewal later.  As long as it is not kept a secret from the guests that you are already married.  You also need to keep in mind that a vow renewal/reception versus a wedding ceremony/reception does have some differences and will have a different "feel".

For example, vow renewals/receptions shouldn't have a lot of the traditional trappings of a wedding.  They usually don't have attendants, no showers, no bachelorette party, no "first" dance, no bouquet tossing, etc.  Guests will be less likely to attend, especially if they need to travel, and will probably not bring gifts.  A lot of the PPs on here would also say no big, white dress...but I personally think that's fine because not just brides get to wear big, white dresses.

And it is odd to have a vow renewal so close to the actual wedding.  Perhaps another idea would be to just throw a party to celebrate your FI's recovery.

Speaking as an OMH (Old Married Hag), right now you might be picturing, "We want to get married and throw a reception.  But it would be more convenient to get married now and have a vow renewal later."  Because you are picturing the happy wedding day with the fun reception.  You might feel very different once you are married.  My DH and I briefly tossed around the same idea.  And I can tell you now, if we had gotten married at the JOP with plans to have a marriage celebration party later, we would never have bothered with the party.

I don't quite know how to describe it and I already know I am going to do it poorly, lol.  But the marriage ceremony was psychologically so much more finalized and important than I ever expected.  I knew that logically but, amidst planning and paying for a reception with a focus on what my guests will want and like, it really didn't hit me until the actual ceremony was happening. It was like THIS is what matters.  All the rest is just dressing and icing on the proverbial wedding cake.

flantastic

nhultberg461 said:

flantastic said:

nhultberg461 said:

It's an easy date for him to remember, as we have two 64 fords. Numbers are an issue during his recovery.

Interesting. In any other circumstance, I would say that the particular date doesn't matter and to choose a new one if necessary, but you'll have to make the judgment call on this. It may not matter later when his memory improves, but I imagine the association with the cars helps now for planning.

If I were a friend of yours who didn't come to the small Thursday ceremony, either because I wasn't invited or couldn't make the trip, I would probably just realize that I missed your wedding, congratulate you, and move on with my life while being happy for my newly-married friends. I wouldn't be up for making a trip just to celebrate your recent marriage in a year.

I'm grateful that our family and friends are all aware of this possibility. I just wanted to see what would be the proper thing to do. I realize that having a vow renewal a year after the actual date does seem improper, but given the circumstances, that's why I was wonder what would be the right way to handle it. I know that my parents would do what they could to be here, and so would my bms, but not sure about the other guests on our list.

Yep. If you make the choice to get married on a Thursday, not everyone you love will be able to be there. It may not be the party you always imagined, but it will be great nonetheless. All the people who couldn't be there will still love you and you will still be married to your FI.

Just decide what's more important to you: having everyone there to celebrate your marriage, or getting the insurance you need. It'll be fine either way. When you try to have both by creating a later party, usually it still doesn't turn out the way you hoped.

nhultberg461

I think our local guests would show up, and then maybe we could do a dinner somewhere for everyone, and maybe that would be the way to go, because then it truly would be those that mean the world to us to celebrate.

flantastic

nhultberg461 said:

I think our local guests would show up, and then maybe we could do a dinner somewhere for everyone, and maybe that would be the way to go, because then it truly would be those that mean the world to us to celebrate.

Sounds like a lovely wedding to me.

kristenone

My sister recently went to a Thursday early evening wedding and they actually had a decent turnout (70 people or so). The good thing about a Thursday ceremony is you usually get your pick of venues and vendors often give discounts for mid-week weddings.

danamw

I am an OMH too! I love the acronym, Old Married Hag, thank you, short+sassy!

Why not throw a party, just call it an anniversary party? No need to stage a saying of vows if everyone knows you are already married. Vow renewals are a litte hokey anyway.

If you just want everyone to be there, and celebrate with you, that is the purest way of hosting a party. Why pretend it is anything else?

Iamnowmrsjms

I'd just like to say, congrats to your FI on being a stroke survivor! I, myself am a SS after suffering a Dr induced stroke from the result of a ruptured brain aneurysem, when I was 26 (5 yrs ago)

short+sassy

danamw said:

I am an OMH too! I love the acronym, Old Married Hag, thank you, short+sassy!

Why not throw a party, just call it an anniversary party? No need to stage a saying of vows if everyone knows you are already married. Vow renewals are a litte hokey anyway.

If you just want everyone to be there, and celebrate with you, that is the purest way of hosting a party. Why pretend it is anything else?

Thanks, danamw!  Happy to share, though I can't take credit.  I picked up the acronym from seeing it a few times on TK.

nhultberg461

futuremrsjms said:

I'd just like to say, congrats to your FI on being a stroke survivor! I, myself am a SS after suffering a Dr induced stroke from the result of a ruptured brain aneurysem, when I was 26 (5 yrs ago)

He also had the ruptured aneurysm first, then the strokes. I'm just so grateful that he's still here and didn't lose any of his personality.

I thought maybe the vow renewal would be a way to celebrate with the family that would not have made it the actual wedding.

We are hoping that he will be going back to work this year and then I'll have plenty of time to really plan.

Vivandiere8

Someone else said something like it but I want to say it again. After being married a year you are not likely to be as enthusiastic about needing a party thrown once again to celebrate your marriage from a year before. You will be more interested in starting your life, concentrating on other things together, etc.

It's also going to feel the same way for most of the guests. I know right now the idea of the wedding, and your marriage, and everything seems so exciting, and wonderful, and you imagine it's so important to people to be there that they would even take being at a party celebrating your wedding from a year before. But that isn't really the reality. They don't want to go to a party to stare at a married couple randomly just for the sake of it.

Most people who go to weddings like being a part of the one special day when the vows were first said, you were declared husband and wife, etc. The magical part isn't hearing a woman say "I do" to her husband, it's hearing her "I do" to her fiance... who is now officially made her husband by that vow. See what I'm saying? My first year anniversary is coming up and I can't imagine right now being in the middle of planning a big vow renewal.

nhultberg461

Vivandiere8 said:

Someone else said something like it but I want to say it again. After being married a year you are not likely to be as enthusiastic about needing a party thrown once again to celebrate your marriage from a year before. You will be more interested in starting your life, concentrating on other things together, etc.

It's also going to feel the same way for most of the guests. I know right now the idea of the wedding, and your marriage, and everything seems so exciting, and wonderful, and you imagine it's so important to people to be there that they would even take being at a party celebrating your wedding from a year before. But that isn't really the reality. They don't want to go to a party to stare at a married couple randomly just for the sake of it.

Most people who go to weddings like being a part of the one special day when the vows were first said, you were declared husband and wife, etc. The magical part isn't hearing a woman say "I do" to her husband, it's hearing her "I do" to her fiance... who is now officially made her husband by that vow. See what I'm saying? My first year anniversary is coming up and I can't imagine right now being in the middle of planning a big vow renewal.

No I get it. It does make sense that way.

MnHGirl

I hope the recovery continues to go well for your FI.

My FI's brother was dating a gal and announced that they were expecting and engaged at the same time. Since my FI's mom was concerned about it looking bad about a baby coming and them not being married she convinced them to get married about a month before the due date. They had a small family ceremony and we all bought our lunch at a local restaurant to celebrate.

Then shortly after the baby was born my FI's SIL wanted to have a formal wedding so they did the whole production 13 months after the first wedding (bridesmaids, limo, reception, cake, food, gift list,dance, etc).  There were some members of the family that did not come because they thought it was odd that they got married the first time without inviting extended family and then now they wanted to do the whole ceremony and act like a wedding when really it was a glorified vow renewal.  

I like the idea above with throwing an anniversary party. The guests will not feel like it is so formal and can kick back and visit.