A little bit creeped out-- Update (conundrum)

novella1186

sophhabobopha said:

Ew, what the fuck.

One of Fi's best friends tried to sleep with me one at a party. But, he feels really shitty about it and he was going through a really hard time,. But I was very angry for a long time.

I'd be angry about that too. That's just wrong. 

novella1186

UPDATE 

So last night I mentioned something to FI about not inviting Tom (since he was the one who originally said we shouldn't even invite him). Initially he repeated that he doesn't want to invite him, and I can just cross him off the list. But then he kind of re-thought it and wasn't sure what to do, and needs more time to think about it because apparently he and Tom had talked for a while about the wedding and about how Tom is invited. FI is such a sweet guy and is so scared of offending people. He thought it would be too shitty to talk to Tom like that and then revoke the invite. 

I told FI that Tom was the one who was shitty. I said "He made ME uncomfortable by being grabby and he made YOU mad. We are not obligated to invite someone like that." I also said I was concerned that Tom would be creepy to our guests, and that I see no point in trying so hard to be kind to someone who was so out of line. What is the point of keeping a "friend" like that around? And then I told FI that I didn't expect it to be such a tough decision for him after the way Tom acted and the way he treated me because he's my FI and should be more concerned with me feeling safe and comfortable than offending some asshole. 

The conversation ended when FI said he just needed time to think it over. I said I could not dictate his guest list. He said that yes, I was trying to dictate his guest list with the things I'd just said. To which I replied, "I won't tell you that you can't invite someone. All I wanted was to let you know my feelings on the issue, so now you can think it over and make your own decision." He said, "But it's pretty clear that if I decide to invite him, that's not a decision you're going to like, and you're going to get mad. So really, you're not giving me a choice." 

And he's right. Maybe we need to let the issue rest for a while before I ask him what his final decision is because we're not sending invites out for almost a month, and I'm still pretty mad and creeped out by what Tom did. But he was totally right, I really wasn't giving him a real choice, because I would be pissed if Tom stays on the guest list. So I was kind of backing FI into a corner even though I wasn't intending to at all. 

From the other side, though, I feel like I have every right to push for Tom to be off the guest list after the way he acted. I guess I'm just a little disappointed. FI is always so worried about pleasing everyone and so worried about not making anyone mad and not being a jerk to anyone that I feel like I'm being slightly betrayed here. This guy had his hands all over me. I'm FI's fucking future wife. I don't want to sound self-centered but in this situation I think I need to come first, and my concerns should matter much more than hurting the feelings of an asshole and being rude to him by revoking his invitation. FI doesn't know how to approach the situation because he verbally invited the guy. I told FI he owes him no explanation, or he could tell him the truth, or he could just say "sorry, didn't have enough space." Whatever. 

Am I being unreasonable? I don't want FI to feel like he can't make his own decision on this. But I also don't want to feel like he's not concerned enough about what happened. Ugh. What would you do in this situation? 

beethery

If your FI can't get past that Tom fucking creeped on you and made you SUPER uncomfortable, your FI needs to be reminded about that. Tom crossed a line, and does not need to be at the damn party. End of story.

[Deleted User]

I can see how your FI could feel that you're giving him no choice on a guest of his, but why WOULD he want to invite a guy who drunkenly harassed you and made you feel uncomfortable? And based on his initial reaction of wanting to beat the crap out of Tom after you told him what happened, I'm surprised he's not on your side.  Your safety and comfort absolutely should come first and foremost over than someone who is essentially an acquaintance. 

I feel like your FI needs to have a conversation with Tom, regardless of if he gets uninvited.  He majorly crossed the line with you, and needs to know what he did was absolutely inappropriate (since clearly he has no boundaries).

thespeshulestsnowflake

beethery said:

If your FI can't get past that Tom fucking creeped on you and made you SUPER uncomfortable, your FI needs to be reminded about that. Tom crossed a line, and does not need to be at the damn party. End of story.

Agree with this. I would also discuss the fact that your FI seems to be more concerned about inviting this guy and upsetting him, than how Tom made/makes you feel. He is putting that guy first and you nee to express that to your FI.

climbingsingle

Fuck this Creepy McCreeperson. I think you're well within your right to say, "This person made me extremely uncomfortable and I don't want him at the wedding."

My ex had a friend that was like that. He'd drink and get super handsy. One night, the ex and I were having a party at our house. Around 2am, I was tired and went to bed. Handsy friend quietly left the party, and came into my bedroom, and passed out in my bed right next to me! It was totally bizarre and uncomfortable. 

novella1186

climbingwife said:

Fuck this Creepy McCreeperson. I think you're well within your right to say, "This person made me extremely uncomfortable and I don't want him at the wedding."

My ex had a friend that was like that. He'd drink and get super handsy. One night, the ex and I were having a party at our house. Around 2am, I was tired and went to bed. Handsy friend quietly left the party, and came into my bedroom, and passed out in my bed right next to me! It was totally bizarre and uncomfortable. 

Omg that would be fucking awful! Ew

novella1186

I guess my main concern is that I don't want FI to think I'm being controlling and not caring about his opinions. He's accused me of being controlling in the past, about much lesser issues. For example, he's super laid back and I'm more assertive and just want to get shit done. I would ask him what we should make for dinner during the week, and he said he didn't care. Always said he didn't care. So I'd start making up "menus" on my own so I could write the grocery list and get that taken care of. Then one day we get in a fight and he says I'm controlling and won't even let him pick what we have for dinner. WTF?! I asked a million times and you never picked anything! 

Recently we were hanging out with friends and I could tell FI was past his limit and had drank a bit too much. He rarely does that, but I can tell exactly when he's past that point. And I know if he keeps going, he will puke his guts out and feel like death for an entire day or more. So I asked him if he wanted some water, and tried to subtly get him to slow down. He went and poured another cocktail. So then I told him, straight-forward, that I thought he needed to take a break because he was drunk. Well, drunken FI got mad and accused me of controlling him, when really I was just concerned that he was going to feel like major shit the next day. And the next day when he was sober, he thanked me a million times for getting him to quit drinking the night before because he [now] knew he'd gone past his limit, and he was really thankful he hadn't spent the night puking. 

I guess I really don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do here. I absolutely do not want him to feel controlled in any way. But feeling violated by some grabby asshole, I think, is a valid reason to put my foot down. To be quite honest, I'd like to just go home and cry for a minute. I'm frustrated and I don't want to fight with FI. We rarely ever fight, and when we do I just hate it. 

[Deleted User]

beethery

novella1186 said:

I guess my main concern is that I don't want FI to think I'm being controlling and not caring about his opinions. He's accused me of being controlling in the past, about much lesser issues. For example, he's super laid back and I'm more assertive and just want to get shit done. I would ask him what we should make for dinner during the week, and he said he didn't care. Always said he didn't care. So I'd start making up "menus" on my own so I could write the grocery list and get that taken care of. Then one day we get in a fight and he says I'm controlling and won't even let him pick what we have for dinner. WTF?! I asked a million times and you never picked anything! 

Recently we were hanging out with friends and I could tell FI was past his limit and had drank a bit too much. He rarely does that, but I can tell exactly when he's past that point. And I know if he keeps going, he will puke his guts out and feel like death for an entire day or more. So I asked him if he wanted some water, and tried to subtly get him to slow down. He went and poured another cocktail. So then I told him, straight-forward, that I thought he needed to take a break because he was drunk. Well, drunken FI got mad and accused me of controlling him, when really I was just concerned that he was going to feel like major shit the next day. And the next day when he was sober, he thanked me a million times for getting him to quit drinking the night before because he [now] knew he'd gone past his limit, and he was really thankful he hadn't spent the night puking. 

I guess I really don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do here. I absolutely do not want him to feel controlled in any way. But feeling violated by some grabby asshole, I think, is a valid reason to put my foot down. To be quite honest, I'd like to just go home and cry for a minute. I'm frustrated and I don't want to fight with FI. We rarely ever fight, and when we do I just hate it. 

It does not need to be cause for a fight, but once again you need to stand up for YOU.

All you have to say is, "He fucking creeped on me and WOULD NOT GET THE HINT. I do not want his ass there, he's a fucking creep." and if your FI can't get that, he needs to be fucking educated.

VulgarGirl

Why are we worried about Tom's feelings again? He sure as shit wasn't worried about your feelings. Don't be a creepy ass motherfucker if you want to get invited places.

You felt violated. You just said it yourself. Violated. Did you use that word when talking to FI? That Tom made you feel violated. Not just uncomfortable, he wasn't "off putting", violated. You have a right to feel safe in your own life. 

What if you had a friend who came onto FI and made him feel uncomfortable and violated? Lets say even a male friend (because men feel like they can "handle" women) of yours behaved the same way to FI that Tom behaved to you. Would he want that guy at his wedding? 

novella1186

MagicInk said:

Why are we worried about Tom's feelings again? He sure as shit wasn't worried about your feelings. Don't be a creepy ass motherfucker if you want to get invited places.

You felt violated. You just said it yourself. Violated. Did you use that word when talking to FI? That Tom made you feel violated. Not just uncomfortable, he wasn't "off putting", violated. You have a right to feel safe in your own life. 

What if you had a friend who came onto FI and made him feel uncomfortable and violated? Lets say even a male friend (because men feel like they can "handle" women) of yours behaved the same way to FI that Tom behaved to you. Would he want that guy at his wedding? 

That was another thing I brought up to him; if one of my friends did this to him and made him feel the way Tom made me feel, I'd drop that friend so fucking fast, no questions. But I honestly don't think guys bother to see it from the girl's perspective sometimes. Like I'm tiny, and I get scared when I feel like I'm being grabbed/can't get away. It's scary. It's upsetting. I doubt FI has ever felt exactly like that or has ever been in my situation. He's 6'2' and I don't think he's ever been accosted (if that's the right word) 

beethery

novella1186 said:

MagicInk said:

Why are we worried about Tom's feelings again? He sure as shit wasn't worried about your feelings. Don't be a creepy ass motherfucker if you want to get invited places.

You felt violated. You just said it yourself. Violated. Did you use that word when talking to FI? That Tom made you feel violated. Not just uncomfortable, he wasn't "off putting", violated. You have a right to feel safe in your own life. 

What if you had a friend who came onto FI and made him feel uncomfortable and violated? Lets say even a male friend (because men feel like they can "handle" women) of yours behaved the same way to FI that Tom behaved to you. Would he want that guy at his wedding? 

That was another thing I brought up to him; if one of my friends did this to him and made him feel the way Tom made me feel, I'd drop that friend so fucking fast, no questions. But I honestly don't think guys bother to see it from the girl's perspective sometimes. Like I'm tiny, and I get scared when I feel like I'm being grabbed/can't get away. It's scary. It's upsetting. I doubt FI has ever felt exactly like that or has ever been in my situation. He's 6'2' and I don't think he's ever been accosted (if that's the right word) 

You could be eleven feet tall and made out of SWORDS and the shit would be irrelevant. The only perspective he needs to see is that that stranger-ass bitch macked on you and made you uncomfortable. He's not even BFF's with Tom, so dropping that douche like he's got a worm on him should be no issue at all.

ETA:

Breakdown of my response-  Your FI should not give a fuck what Tom thinks because 1. Tom creeped on you and 2. FI and Tom are friends of friends. You are not controlling for not wanting his ass there and I hope your FI agrees with you.

MegEn1

I call shenanigans on the idea that you're not giving him a choice. You ARE giving him a choice, and if he chooses to do what will make you angry, that is a result of that choice.

Not to go on a man rant here but seriously - we get accused of keeping our thoughts to ourselves so they don't know when they're in trouble, but when we tell them 'Do this and I'll be mad' we're still the bad guy? That's not fair to you. You outlined your position, what he does with that information is up to him.

Inkdancer

@MagicInk and @beethery, I have major feminism crushes on you. All that equality... so hot!

PrettyGirlLost

MegEn1 said:

I'm with everyone on the 'stand up for yourself' page.

HOWEVER...

I've noticed this a lot in my life (I'm not a timid girl) that I sometimes find myself backing off or just dodging or accepting a weird situation because to stand up for myself would make it weird. Like, it's not a problem until I make it a problem, if I stand up for myself and it becomes a big 'thing' it becomes my fault because I freaked out, or at least feels like my fault.

Is that something anyone else has experienced?

Maybe I was just born a bitch and 10 years of commuting on public transportation has further hardened me into being really protective of my personal space, but I don't really have an issue with telling people to back the fuck off me. 

I will say it makes me nervous to have to confront a drunk because experience has taught me that the situation can escalate very quickly and I have no MMA training. . . but I do have a 1 million volt stun gun, so. . . .

PrettyGirlLost

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

beethery said:

If your FI can't get past that Tom fucking creeped on you and made you SUPER uncomfortable, your FI needs to be reminded about that. Tom crossed a line, and does not need to be at the damn party. End of story.

Agree with this. I would also discuss the fact that your FI seems to be more concerned about inviting this guy and upsetting him, than how Tom made/makes you feel. He is putting that guy first and you nee to express that to your FI.

This.

FI, we are about to get married- which means I put you 1st and you put me 1st.  Tom was a fucking creep that made very very uncomfortable.  I don't want to invite him to the wedding.  If that makes you emo because I'm "dictating your guestlist" over a single guest, then tough titties- you need to reevaluate that entire line of thought and then get back to me when you come to the realization that my feelings trump Tom every.single.time.

PrettyGirlLost

novella1186 said:

I guess my main concern is that I don't want FI to think I'm being controlling and not caring about his opinions. He's accused me of being controlling in the past, about much lesser issues. For example, he's super laid back and I'm more assertive and just want to get shit done. I would ask him what we should make for dinner during the week, and he said he didn't care. Always said he didn't care. So I'd start making up "menus" on my own so I could write the grocery list and get that taken care of. Then one day we get in a fight and he says I'm controlling and won't even let him pick what we have for dinner. WTF?! I asked a million times and you never picked anything!  Nope, this isn't being super laid back, this is being fucking lazy and then being a passive aggressive twit.  I asked for your opinion, you said you didn't care, so I moved forward.  You don't then decide to get pissy or accuse me of being controlling.  You are a grown ass adult.  If you have an opinion on the menu then fucking open your mouth and communicate it with me.  This isn't rocket surgery.  LRN2BEADULT.

Sorry for the rant, I just cannot with passive aggressive people- they are the worst and they make me ragey because they make life more complicated than it needs to be and try to make everyone else responsible for their feelings when they get bent out of shape.  Newp, not my responsibility.

Recently we were hanging out with friends and I could tell FI was past his limit and had drank a bit too much. He rarely does that, but I can tell exactly when he's past that point. And I know if he keeps going, he will puke his guts out and feel like death for an entire day or more. So I asked him if he wanted some water, and tried to subtly get him to slow down. He went and poured another cocktail. So then I told him, straight-forward, that I thought he needed to take a break because he was drunk. Well, drunken FI got mad and accused me of controlling him, when really I was just concerned that he was going to feel like major shit the next day. And the next day when he was sober, he thanked me a million times for getting him to quit drinking the night before because he [now] knew he'd gone past his limit, and he was really thankful he hadn't spent the night puking.   I'm not surprised that he had this reaction to you when he was drunk because you cannot rationalize with drunks, any drunks.  They are drunk!  However, the greater underlying issue is that he feels you are controlling.  You guys should probably discuss that.

I guess I really don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do here. I absolutely do not want him to feel controlled in any way. But feeling violated by some grabby asshole, I think, is a valid reason to put my foot down. To be quite honest, I'd like to just go home and cry for a minute. I'm frustrated and I don't want to fight with FI. We rarely ever fight, and when we do I just hate it.   You guys just have to talk about this.  This should be your hill to die on- I'll be your standard bearer on that damn hill.  I guess just reaffirm that you are not trying to control his guestlist for the sake of being controlling, but that Tom totally crossed the line and made you feel uncomfortable and that is not ok.  You do not want to invite him to the wedding.  He's one guest, not an entire guestlist.

[Deleted User]

mrsdee15

You're not being unreasonable at all - this is one of those situations where I think it's totally fine to not invite someone even though they've been more or less verbally invited.  In addition, I think your FI needs to talk to this dude and explain WHY this is happening.  Your FI should really be worried about how you feel, not this dude, because fuck that guy.  Maybe this guy will knock off acting pathetic and thinking this kind of thing is okay once he sees that his awful actions have consequences.

KatieinBkln

I'm going to give your FI the benefit of the doubt here. He's naturally non-confrontational, right? But sometimes what non-confrontational people don't realize is that by avoiding confrontation with people they aren't as close to (out of "politeness" or just plain fear), they are actually transferring the confrontation to their loved ones. Which is unfair, and also probably not what they were aiming for in the first place. 

It's actually quite emotionally cowardly to tiptoe around strangers' or friends' feelings at the expense of your own loved ones'. I don't know that I advocate using that exact phrase with your FI, since it is perhaps more inflammatory than necessary when tensions are high, but ultimately that's what you have to get across to him. There's no such thing as "not making a choice." There's no such thing as neutral. By taking the "easier" route and inviting Tom, he's actually causing you considerable stress.

As for the "well it's not really a choice at all" comment: Of course it is. One choice results in not pissing off/alienating a perv, and the other choice results in pissing off his future wife. BOTH options have consequences, which seems to be the thing he's forgetting. 

penguin44

beethery said:

novella1186 said:

I guess my main concern is that I don't want FI to think I'm being controlling and not caring about his opinions. He's accused me of being controlling in the past, about much lesser issues. For example, he's super laid back and I'm more assertive and just want to get shit done. I would ask him what we should make for dinner during the week, and he said he didn't care. Always said he didn't care. So I'd start making up "menus" on my own so I could write the grocery list and get that taken care of. Then one day we get in a fight and he says I'm controlling and won't even let him pick what we have for dinner. WTF?! I asked a million times and you never picked anything! 

Recently we were hanging out with friends and I could tell FI was past his limit and had drank a bit too much. He rarely does that, but I can tell exactly when he's past that point. And I know if he keeps going, he will puke his guts out and feel like death for an entire day or more. So I asked him if he wanted some water, and tried to subtly get him to slow down. He went and poured another cocktail. So then I told him, straight-forward, that I thought he needed to take a break because he was drunk. Well, drunken FI got mad and accused me of controlling him, when really I was just concerned that he was going to feel like major shit the next day. And the next day when he was sober, he thanked me a million times for getting him to quit drinking the night before because he [now] knew he'd gone past his limit, and he was really thankful he hadn't spent the night puking. 

I guess I really don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do here. I absolutely do not want him to feel controlled in any way. But feeling violated by some grabby asshole, I think, is a valid reason to put my foot down. To be quite honest, I'd like to just go home and cry for a minute. I'm frustrated and I don't want to fight with FI. We rarely ever fight, and when we do I just hate it. 

It does not need to be cause for a fight, but once again you need to stand up for YOU.

All you have to say is, "He fucking creeped on me and WOULD NOT GET THE HINT. I do not want his ass there, he's a fucking creep." and if your FI can't get that, he needs to be fucking educated.

Exactly this!

Also the meal planning thing sounds like a communication issue, not a control issue. He should be telling you if he isn't happy with the meals you have planned as they happen. I am the loud one that takes control, and my H is the quiet one that goes with the flow. I totally understand where you are coming from.

VulgarGirl

Ya know what I'm thinking right now? When it comes to my personal safety and my right to not be , you're damn right I'm a controlling bitch. 

novella1186

I'm really glad I have something good to report here! FI and I talked during lunch. When he said I wasn't giving him a choice, his problem was with how I approached it (and I will admit, I approach things in a terrible way sometimes and I'm trying to work on that). I didn't say to him "I feel that Tom should not be invited to the wedding because he made me uncomfortable." Instead I said "Don't you think we should not invite Tom?" He 100% agreed that we should not invite Tom, but we didn't get that far in the conversation because he was trying to get me to say what I think about it, rather than hinting how I want HIM to feel about it. (Again, I know I do this without meaning to, and it's something I'm trying to work on). 

When he said he needed time to think about the situation, he wanted to put the topic on hold for the time being because he could tell I was getting really upset and he didn't want to see me get upset, and what he needed to think about was that he wasn't sure if he wanted to confront Tom and tell him he had to apologize to me, or just leave it alone and let him figure it out for himself when he doesn't get invited. FI said, "I want to tell Tom that I think he owes you an apology. No, fuck that, I want to tell him that he ABSOLUTELY owes you an apology. He was way the fuck out of line and it's not ok." 

FI said he mostly feels bad that he wasn't in the room when it happened so he could step in and help me. I said I felt bad that I didn't do more to stand up for myself, but I was worried about making a scene and looking like a bitch. To which FI replied "No, fuck that, Tom is the bitch. Tom made the scene. You have every right to stand up for yourself and I wish you would have too." (His mom is a super outspoken feminist badass so I think the right stuff has been impressed upon FI over the years). 

The conversation ended with me crying (cuz I was relieved/happy/super tired) and FI giving me a huge hug saying he has my back no matter what, and of course the way I feel is a million times more important than however Tom feels. I love this line from him; "You're my future wife. Tom is just some douche." 

Go, FI! I knew there was a reason I adore him so much. 

PrettyGirlLost

novella1186 said:

I'm really glad I have something good to report here! FI and I talked during lunch. When he said I wasn't giving him a choice, his problem was with how I approached it (and I will admit, I approach things in a terrible way sometimes and I'm trying to work on that). I didn't say to him "I feel that Tom should not be invited to the wedding because he made me uncomfortable." Instead I said "Don't you think we should not invite Tom?" He 100% agreed that we should not invite Tom, but we didn't get that far in the conversation because he was trying to get me to say what I think about it, rather than hinting how I want HIM to feel about it. (Again, I know I do this without meaning to, and it's something I'm trying to work on).   He also needs to work on his communication skills.  If he 100% agreed with you and he just wanted you to clearly communicate your feelings on the issue, then why couldn't he just ask you, "Novella, how do you feel about Tom?  How do you feel about inviting him to the wedding?"  Why play a passive aggressive game if he really knew exactly what you were trying to say? 

When he said he needed time to think about the situation, he wanted to put the topic on hold for the time being because he could tell I was getting really upset and he didn't want to see me get upset, and what he needed to think about was that he wasn't sure if he wanted to confront Tom and tell him he had to apologize to me, or just leave it alone and let him figure it out for himself when he doesn't get invited.   So why didn't your FI just tell you this at the time of the initial conversation?  FI said, "I want to tell Tom that I think he owes you an apology. No, fuck that, I want to tell him that he ABSOLUTELY owes you an apology. He was way the fuck out of line and it's not ok." 

FI said he mostly feels bad that he wasn't in the room when it happened so he could step in and help me. I said I felt bad that I didn't do more to stand up for myself, but I was worried about making a scene and looking like a bitch. To which FI replied "No, fuck that, Tom is the bitch. Tom made the scene. You have every right to stand up for yourself and I wish you would have too." (His mom is a super outspoken feminist badass so I think the right stuff has been impressed upon FI over the years). 

The conversation ended with me crying (cuz I was relieved/happy/super tired) and FI giving me a huge hug saying he has my back no matter what, and of course the way I feel is a million times more important than however Tom feels. I love this line from him; "You're my future wife. Tom is just some douche." 

Go, FI! I knew there was a reason I adore him so much. 

Hallalujah! 

levioosa

Fuck that.  No one has the right to lay their hands on you.

We have brides who come here all the time wanting to disinvite people. 99% of the time their excuses are asinine and selfish.  You ARE NOT being asinine or selfish.  Someone laid their hands on you and made you extremely uncomfortable, and they did it multiple times despite you making clear objections to it.  That's completely unacceptable.  Tom doesn't deserve an invite because he's been a pervy ass.  Actions have consequences.  If Tom can't control himself, then he doesn't get an invite.

I'm with PGL, I think this is your hill to die on.  This isn't about what color flowers to chose, or even the etiquette clusterfuck of having a cash bar.  This is about your very person being threatened.  That should make FI furious.  You come first.  Not some pervy asshole's feelings.  Tom lost the "right" to an invite when he couldn't keep his trap shut or his hands to himself.   

novella1186

PrettyGirlLost said:

novella1186 said:

I'm really glad I have something good to report here! FI and I talked during lunch. When he said I wasn't giving him a choice, his problem was with how I approached it (and I will admit, I approach things in a terrible way sometimes and I'm trying to work on that). I didn't say to him "I feel that Tom should not be invited to the wedding because he made me uncomfortable." Instead I said "Don't you think we should not invite Tom?" He 100% agreed that we should not invite Tom, but we didn't get that far in the conversation because he was trying to get me to say what I think about it, rather than hinting how I want HIM to feel about it. (Again, I know I do this without meaning to, and it's something I'm trying to work on).   He also needs to work on his communication skills.  If he 100% agreed with you and he just wanted you to clearly communicate your feelings on the issue, then why couldn't he just ask you, "Novella, how do you feel about Tom?  How do you feel about inviting him to the wedding?"  Why play a passive aggressive game if he really knew exactly what you were trying to say? 

When he said he needed time to think about the situation, he wanted to put the topic on hold for the time being because he could tell I was getting really upset and he didn't want to see me get upset, and what he needed to think about was that he wasn't sure if he wanted to confront Tom and tell him he had to apologize to me, or just leave it alone and let him figure it out for himself when he doesn't get invited.   So why didn't your FI just tell you this at the time of the initial conversation?  FI said, "I want to tell Tom that I think he owes you an apology. No, fuck that, I want to tell him that he ABSOLUTELY owes you an apology. He was way the fuck out of line and it's not ok." 

FI said he mostly feels bad that he wasn't in the room when it happened so he could step in and help me. I said I felt bad that I didn't do more to stand up for myself, but I was worried about making a scene and looking like a bitch. To which FI replied "No, fuck that, Tom is the bitch. Tom made the scene. You have every right to stand up for yourself and I wish you would have too." (His mom is a super outspoken feminist badass so I think the right stuff has been impressed upon FI over the years). 

The conversation ended with me crying (cuz I was relieved/happy/super tired) and FI giving me a huge hug saying he has my back no matter what, and of course the way I feel is a million times more important than however Tom feels. I love this line from him; "You're my future wife. Tom is just some douche." 

Go, FI! I knew there was a reason I adore him so much. 

Hallalujah! 

We actually had this discussion the other night, that we both need to work on the way we communicate. When neither of us is upset we're great at it, but of course we also need to be great at it when we are upset so it doesn't turn into a fight. 

Not defending him at all on not being straight-forward with me, but that initial conversation was in a public place, and he said he wasn't comfortable discussing things there (since it was a touchy situation and it upset me) so the conversation might have been more successful if we were in a more private setting. 

But yeah, I think this was a good way to see where each of our flaws are with the way we deal with stuff like this so we can work on doing better. I'm just really happy that he was on my side all along, and most of it was just a misunderstanding/ miscommunication. 

BrandNewJ

Late to the party, but I was also going to say that it's crazy your Fi is more worried about upsetting Tom. That is really upsetting. You should be the most important person to him, not random friends of friends.

Luckily it worked out and Tom won't be there, yay! Glad he finally understood that his presence actually will affect your comfort and safety. 

KatieinBkln

Glad to hear things turned out well! 

Agreed that there's probably some communication to work on, but hey, you'll have the rest of your lives to perfect that.