What potential problem challenges (or scares) you the most about your future marriage?

blabla89

l9i said:

plainjane0415 said:

Childbirth doesn't scare me so much as the actual raising a child does.  Both FI and I know that we want kids, but we are both terrified (for lack of a better word) of brand new babies.  3 years and up, we're great!  Newborns, we're scared. And I know being a mom/dad is scary for anyone, but you will never see FI or I jump up to be the first one to hold a brand new baby...So it really scares me about what will happen when it's our own kid, and people say that it's different when it's yours and it may very well be, but it still scares me.

FI can also have a tendency to not be very patient.  I'm very low key, go with the flow, and he is not. He has gotten SO much better over the years with this, but I still worry that, again, with kids, that in the beginning when the baby is crying at 2am, that FI will lose it.

Money is also something that we don't necessarily disagree on, but that may be a struggle in the beginning.  FI is looking to open his own business, so once he starts that and tries to start building it, it will definitely be a change.  The good thing though, is we are already trying to prepare ourselves for that, the best way we can, and just hope for the best.

So babies, and money... those are my fears.

To the bolded this is so me.  We've talked about possibly TTC in about a year and I think of things like this.  Naturally you think "what if I fail".  We are both great with kids, but we haven't been around newborns much at all and that part worries me. 

Unlike you I think I find the actually birth much more scary.  In that moment I'm pretty sure DH is going to hate me.  I'm a wimp.

This is where I'm at. Pregnancy and birth is terrifying, and being responsible for a newborn is the second most terrifying thing. Judge me as you will but...I don't really like newborn babies. I'm afraid that I won't bond with the baby.

Before FI, I had always assumed that adopting children, possibly as toddlers or kids (rather than newborn) was the plan for me. We have multiple adopted children in my extended family, and I've known adoptive families through church. It was sort of what I always knew I wanted, similar to how some women have always known they want a biological child. FI says he is fully on board with adopting, but I'm afraid he won't feel that way when it comes time to start the process.

jenna8984

plainjane0415 said:

Childbirth doesn't scare me so much as the actual raising a child does.  Both FI and I know that we want kids, but we are both terrified (for lack of a better word) of brand new babies.  3 years and up, we're great!  Newborns, we're scared. And I know being a mom/dad is scary for anyone, but you will never see FI or I jump up to be the first one to hold a brand new baby...So it really scares me about what will happen when it's our own kid, and people say that it's different when it's yours and it may very well be, but it still scares me.

 

I'm the opposite! I'm like "I want a newborn to stay that size for 5 years!". I get absolutely terrified thinking about them growing up like oh fuck, I'm going to have to potty train, and help them with their homework, and hope they don't break a leg in soccer, that's stressful!

NowIamMrsKlein

For us its something we are already dealing with while being engaged and that is his job. At his current job he's usually home by 5 most nights and is out of town maybe 4 nights a month. We know that he will eventually either get transferred or go to a new company. With those options come new schedules. And Airline Pilot schedules 'in the big city' are going to be drastically different from the current schedule that I've come to love. There will be days where I go to work and he will get called in and be gone for 4 days without getting the chance to say goodbye. There will be times when he's supposed to be home for supper and he wont get home until the next day. Or if he goes with a larger carrier he could be gone for a month, home for a month.

This is terrifying to me, especially when the talk turns to kids. To know that the majority of the responsibility will fall on me, and that he will miss a lot of milestones, events etc is very scary.

Something that scares me about future problems relating to myself is my health. I have thyroid problems, I have bad anxiety and am prone to self doubt. And I know all those things will affect aspects of our future.

tpwkalyn

The only thing I ever really worry about is the fact that I'm extremely "Pollyanna" like. I am always trying to find the silver lining, and I'm generally just a positive person, & my FI well... isn't, lol. I swear, we could win a billion dollars & he'd be the first one to mention the taxes that they'd cut out! He has gotten better, but I still joke with him about being a "Debbie Downer". 

I'm sure money will play a factor in our marriage as well. He is still in school (graduates in May), but even when he graduates & gets a full time job (he's only working part time right now), I will still be making more money than him & I think that messes with his ego some. He will have plenty of opportunity to advance (in position & salary), but I still things it'a "dude" thing that he doesn't really like the fact that I make more money than him right now. He is, however, very frugal and I am thankful for that!

kat1114

blabla89 said:

This is where I'm at. Pregnancy and birth is terrifying, and being responsible for a newborn is the second most terrifying thing. Judge me as you will but...I don't really like newborn babies. I'm afraid that I won't bond with the baby.

Before FI, I had always assumed that adopting children, possibly as toddlers or kids (rather than newborn) was the plan for me. We have multiple adopted children in my extended family, and I've known adoptive families through church. It was sort of what I always knew I wanted, similar to how some women have always known they want a biological child. FI says he is fully on board with adopting, but I'm afraid he won't feel that way when it comes time to start the process.

I feel the exact same way. I'm terrified of being pregnant and having to give birth. I'm also not a huge fan of newborn babies. I never get the urge to hold one or ooo and aww over how cute they are. 

VulgarGirl

jenna8984 said:

Like most others, money and health. @maggie0829 Mine is the same way with the dentist and he brushes his teeth once a day which drives me crazy (I am adamant about twice a day). I keep telling him how jcbride just spent $15,000 on her teeth and that we can't afford that so he needs to start addressing it before it gets to that point!

Ok, I know this is a serious thread. But I just pictured you going "Honey, my internet friend just dropped 15 grand on fixing her teeth! We can't drop 15gs on your teeth! Brush your fucking teeth!", and it made me laugh really hard.

charcoalandblush

futurekhugz said:

The only thing I ever really worry about is the fact that I'm extremely "Pollyanna" like. I am always trying to find the silver lining, and I'm generally just a positive person, & my FI well... isn't, lol. I swear, we could win a billion dollars & he'd be the first one to mention the taxes that they'd cut out! He has gotten better, but I still joke with him about being a "Debbie Downer". 

We are the inverse - DF is SO pollyanna about everything, he just can't possibly see the negative in any situation. I have way more of a "prepare for the worst" attitude, even with the little things. Honestly that causes probably 80% of our arguments.

I'm also worried about combining finances. DF is great with money, saves almost everything that he makes, never splurges on himself. I have six figures of student loans, four figures of credit card debt, and a terrible shopping habit. I've been working really hard to save an emergency fund and pay down my debt, and I've reined in the shopping a LOT. DF knows about all of my debt and swears that it won't be a problem. But the thought of sharing money terrifies me. Because 50% of my pay goes directly to debt, I know I'm going to feel like every penny that I spend is "his" money. And I HATE to feel like I'm taking money from people (which is how I ended up in the credit card debt... 4 years ago I had a bad breakup with a total leech who left me in a crapload of debt. my parents would have helped me out if I had asked, but there was no way I was going to do that. So I'm paying it off little by little, as quickly as I can).

l9i

blabla89 said:

l9i said:

plainjane0415 said:

Childbirth doesn't scare me so much as the actual raising a child does.  Both FI and I know that we want kids, but we are both terrified (for lack of a better word) of brand new babies.  3 years and up, we're great!  Newborns, we're scared. And I know being a mom/dad is scary for anyone, but you will never see FI or I jump up to be the first one to hold a brand new baby...So it really scares me about what will happen when it's our own kid, and people say that it's different when it's yours and it may very well be, but it still scares me.

FI can also have a tendency to not be very patient.  I'm very low key, go with the flow, and he is not. He has gotten SO much better over the years with this, but I still worry that, again, with kids, that in the beginning when the baby is crying at 2am, that FI will lose it.

Money is also something that we don't necessarily disagree on, but that may be a struggle in the beginning.  FI is looking to open his own business, so once he starts that and tries to start building it, it will definitely be a change.  The good thing though, is we are already trying to prepare ourselves for that, the best way we can, and just hope for the best.

So babies, and money... those are my fears.

To the bolded this is so me.  We've talked about possibly TTC in about a year and I think of things like this.  Naturally you think "what if I fail".  We are both great with kids, but we haven't been around newborns much at all and that part worries me. 

Unlike you I think I find the actually birth much more scary.  In that moment I'm pretty sure DH is going to hate me.  I'm a wimp.

This is where I'm at. Pregnancy and birth is terrifying, and being responsible for a newborn is the second most terrifying thing. Judge me as you will but...I don't really like newborn babies. I'm afraid that I won't bond with the baby.

Before FI, I had always assumed that adopting children, possibly as toddlers or kids (rather than newborn) was the plan for me. We have multiple adopted children in my extended family, and I've known adoptive families through church. It was sort of what I always knew I wanted, similar to how some women have always known they want a biological child. FI says he is fully on board with adopting, but I'm afraid he won't feel that way when it comes time to start the process.

I honestly used to not want kids until DH simply because I couldn't see my life with kids, now I can.  I would (and we've talked about) adopting and I would look at the same thing, a toddler age child, not newborn.  However, part of me is also really interested to see a combination of us into one child, so I do want to have a biological child - minus the actual 'having' it.  However, if for some reason we couldn't conceive this would certainly be on the table.

loveislouder

Raising a child scares me. I keep thinking my kids are going to grow up, be in a gang by 10, jail by 15, dead by 20 and it'll be my fault because I'm going to be a bad parent.  I think every parent just wants their kids to grow up happy and healthy, but I scared I'm going to royally fuck up of offspring.

buttercup1958

I do worry about somethings. I worry about V's health. He has a steroid problem (his body doesn't make them). He gets really tired and its hard for him to gain/retain weight. But its getting better. He also has depression. I've gone through some episodes and they have scared me. I want V to be happy and safe.

I also worry about being too needy sometimes. He always helps me and does things for me and I'm afraid he will get tired of it and leave. But we have talked about this and he said he won't so I trust him! The last thing I worry about his him dying before me. He is 8/9 years older than me and I don't want to live without him. He really is my partner. Wow I'm a worrier haha

Maggie0829

I think raising children scares everyone.  I mean you have another life in your hands that you need to protect, keep healthy, not accidentally kill, and raise to be a somewhat decent human being who is self sufficient.  That is a lot of pressure on one or two people.

But raising an adolescent scares me a lot more then raising an baby.  Once kids learn how to talk and start thinking for themselves and questioning you "why, why why?!!!" is when I want to go running for the hills.

JennyColada

Maggie0829 said:

I think raising children scares everyone.  I mean you have another life in your hands that you need to protect, keep healthy, not accidentally kill, and raise to be a somewhat decent human being who is self sufficient.  That is a lot of pressure on one or two people.

But raising an adolescent scares me a lot more then raising an baby.  Once kids learn how to talk and start thinking for themselves and questioning you "why, why why?!!!" is when I want to go running for the hills.

This, to me, is the best part! I am so excited to see how they are as individuals and as PEOPLE. I know that it will also suck and be horrible, but I just find that part of it so amazing.

But to get there, you have to put forth the effort in the first ~11 years, which I'm definitely not excited about.

redheadbride15

You guys are all awesome! Thanks for spilling your beans!

I see some common themes. First, health (mental and physical), finances, and kids (childbirth and parenting) are the standard three big stressors. I suppose this is no surprise. And second, it seems that open, honest, and frequent communication about these issues is the way we all cope.

I love @thisismynickname "every daynhultberg461 "Do not keep secrets"

themuffinman16

My H takes really poor care if himself. I worry he will die of a heart attack really young, like my step-father did.
I, also, worry about disciplining our future children. He comes from a family where hitting your kids is okay, and I do as well. The only difference is I would want to find another method to punish my child. I am not comfortable with hitting, and I find it does nothing to curb bad behavior. H is okay with hitting. I just feel it is an easy out for a parent who doesn't want to be creative in finding a suitable punishment. I know we will struggle with this issue.

BrandNewJ

My mental health is a concern for me. It is under control, but every once in a while it slips. My meds aren't perfect, but they're pretty damn good considering I know what will happen without them. I'd say I'd dip into blue once a month. 

FI has been fantastic with it. He's kind, understanding, patient, loving, calm, and just enough snark to make me laugh about it.  He tells me that he loves me always. I'm nervous that in 10, 20, 50 years from now he realizes he's made the wrong choice. 

I'm really happy that we communicate well because he knows this fear and understands that it has the ability to affect our relationship, so whenever I feel that way, we talk. 

firebabe6519

Our main potential problems would probably be finances for FI. He likes to be the main earner and doesn't like it when he thinks that I feel the need to work. I like to work because then I can spend however I like without feeling like I didn't earn whatever I wanted to buy.

For me it would be my insecurity with my body / self. I was assaulted several times by different people growing up, and I struggle with being confident in myself or even comfortable with myself at times. The annual check up is torture for me. And sometimes that insecurity puts a damper on our sex life. But FI is great about being understanding with me about everything.

rockin30ish

Of course, we're worried about money. But we do okay now, so I can only see things either staying the same or getting better in that department.

I have a lot of insecurities that FI is so patient with. I've never had a man make me feel like I was worth sticking around for, my birth dad abandoned me and my mom when I was a baby, my dad kind of brushed me aside after my parents' divorce (we are on good terms now), and my ex left me for someone else (we were already having problems, but still). I never feel like I'm good enough/worthy. FI is very good at making me feel like I am. He has some of the same issues about not being good enough.

Another is having kids. I think it's more a worry for me than him. He's more than happy being Daddy to my DD (he's an amazing stepdad and they decided how their relationship was going to be for themselves). But, I want to try to have a baby with FI after we're married. The problem is that I had my tubes tied. DD was born at 31 weeks because I developed pre-ecclamsia. I can have a child through IVF. FI says it's all dependent on if the doctors say there isn't much risk. 

(I am a lot healthier and make much better life choices than I did when I got pregnant with DD.)

I also worry about things that could happen when he gets deployed, or just working. But that's just the nature of the beast. I know the things that could happen and I've prepared myself for anything.

madamerwin

This is a wonderful thread. Sometimes it's easy to think you're the only person who has any concerns heading into marriage.

For me and FI, the biggest issues are communication style and money. He is sarcastic by nature, and he's quick to get annoyed and/or angry, and he wants to hash out everything right when it happens. I, on the other hand, am a highly sensitive person who sometimes needs space in order to gather my thoughts. Our fights, though relatively infrequent, generally involve a lot of yelling (him) and crying (me), even though they have basically no substance... Neither of us are very good at fighting fairly.

As for money, I'm a saver and he's a spender. I came from a family that didn't have a lot of money, so I instinctively try to save as much as I can - unless we need something for survival, I would rather save toward a house or retirement. He also makes about 2x as much as I do, so there's a little bit of a power imbalance there. We're currently joining our finances, which I think will take some of the pressure off.

Oh, I also know that I will probably not be able to get pregnant without medical intervention, and so that adds to my money fears (it is important to me that I experience being pregnant, as frightening as pregnancy sounds to this borderline hypochondriac) - IVF ain't cheap.

We started going to relationship counseling a few months back, and for us, it has been SO helpful. We're both 100% committed to making sure we have a healthy, happy marriage, and having that impartial person to help us sort through our shit is invaluable.

Blergbot

Before we got married I would say my biggest fear was the kid question. Then-FI didn't want kids, and I wanted one. Neither of us was sure who was going to be the one to compromise. I knew, deep down, that if I had to choose between him and having a child, I would choose him. But I didn't want to give up that last little thread of hope. We decided, pretty stupidly--and I don't recommend this for anyone--to table the discussion until after we got married. Welp, then I got knocked up while on bc three months before the wedding. I wasn't willing to consider getting an abortion, and he quickly came around to the idea after we had a big talk about his fears/concerns. So that one kind of magically solved itself.

After getting married...well, we had to buy a house to get ready for baby, which we hadn't thought we were going to do right away. Now our finances look pretty different. It's not to the point of keeping me up at night, but I definitely have concerns about paying our mortgage, baby expenses and putting money in savings. 

I also worry about raising a child. But that's totally normal, and there's nothing we can do about that now, except be as prepared as possible and roll with the punches as they come.

I have suffered from Major Depressive Disorder my whole life, and while I have it under control right now, I worry about post partum depression, Whether my H would still care about me/for me if I went through a long slump, etc. I did go through some depression at the beginning of my pregnancy, and, honestly, my H didn't even realize I was feeling down until I told him, and how he felt about me was the same as ever, so that has allayed some of my fears.

sophhabobopha

This isn't really a 'me and Fi' problem, but I'm terrified of fucking our future kids up. 

mrsk616

money, we both didnt really have a lot of money until recently and i am afraid he might go back to his old ways but he has to many bills and actually has gone through bankruptcy and he does not want to do that again.

i am afraid of not being a great mother even though he has told me i would be. 

issues with mil that may cause us to not talk. (his grandma and mom dont talk grandma did something to piss his mom off) 

theres many more but they all escaped my mind, (to tired and its to early to be this tired)

sophhabobopha

larrygaga said:

mobride2015 said:

IA that his is an interesting question. 

My biggest fears are figuring out money (not that we are struggling for money, but haven't merged finances), and step-parenting.  His kids are older (almost 15 an almost 19) and I'm never quite sure where my opinion is warranted or needed and I don't want to over-step. 

I love seeing step-parents who know they have the potential to overstep. Nothing worse than a step parent who tries to act like a parent that's been there for the kid's whole life and has total control.

This was my step dad and it did a lot of damage to our relationship and my relationship with my mom.