When would you say something?

flantastic

KatWAG said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

KatWAG said:

abbyj700 said:

Depends on the offense, my relationship with the person, whether they can change it and if they ask.

At my sisters wedding people were asked to carry their chairs from the ceremony to the reception. I didn't know until the day before when we were setting up. What good would it be for me to point out the blunder to she and her bride the day before her wedding?

At my shower my mother and sister had people write their addresses on envelopes. I didn't even bat an eyelash. It's a small crime at best and didn't affect the comfort of our guests. When asked about inviting people to the showers (two different states) who weren't invited to the wedding  I was adamant that that wasn't okay and very tacky and rude. My mom invited some anyways...ohhh mothers. :-)

One of my besties had a honeyfund. I don't like them but I don't hate them so much I'd point it out. She's a smart girl, she understands the terms of service and made her decision.

My best friend is getting married in September. She helped me through her planning, I'm helping her through hers. I've shared many of the opinions of this etiquette forum with her (especially since she now asks and calls me the etiquette queen!) While she isn't following all of the straight etiquette rules -I appreciate she's asking, listening and trying to host her guests properly. 

I am going to pretty strongly disagree with the bolded. That is something worth speaking up over.  People are kind enough to bring you a gift. The least you can do is address the thank you card. I would assume you are close enough to your mom and sister to let them know how rude that is.

Add this to the list of Etiquette "Rules" that Don't Bother Me at All.  Yeah I know the consensus is that it's rude, but I don't give a shit if I have to address an envelope.  Same as I don't give a shit if people put registry inserts in invitations, use mailing labels as opposed to hand written calligraphy, or don't have assigned seating.  I don't even give a shit if the bride technically plans and hosts her own shower.  I'm not going to pass any of that off as correct here, though.

Gaps, not enough seating, not enough food, cash bars are what really pisses me off.

I think it is outright laziness to not address the envelope. I spent time and money on a gift and the bride cant even spend 5 seconds writing out an address. Come on.

Laziness, plus to me it sounds like:

"It's really important to me that you came to this shower, but I can't actually guarantee that I'll remember you were here, so you better write out your name and address to remind me."

danamw

Sometimes a question is rhetorical, and other times a person really wants an honest answer.

If you have a sense that the person just wants to be agreed with, they just want you to say "what idiots! It is your wedding and whatever you want to do, that is what they have to put up with!" then don't say anything. Or say that, your option.

If they want real input, they know something is wrong and they want to correct it, and you can give them solid advice, that is your choice to give it.

banana468

danamw said:

Sometimes a question is rhetorical, and other times a person really wants an honest answer.

If you have a sense that the person just wants to be agreed with, they just want you to say "what idiots! It is your wedding and whatever you want to do, that is what they have to put up with!" then don't say anything. Or say that, your option.

If they want real input, they know something is wrong and they want to correct it, and you can give them solid advice, that is your choice to give it.

And with that comes the personality type that you're dealing with.

I know better than to pick a battle w/ my MIL unless it's really important to me.    Similarly, I won't bring up etiquette issues in an office environment because that mixes business w/ pleasure.   I value etiquette but I also value my paycheck. 

poodledoodleooo

abbyj700 said:

Depends on the offense, my relationship with the person, whether they can change it and if they ask.

At my sisters wedding people were asked to carry their chairs from the ceremony to the reception. I didn't know until the day before when we were setting up. What good would it be for me to point out the blunder to she and her bride the day before her wedding?

At my shower my mother and sister had people write their addresses on envelopes. I didn't even bat an eyelash. It's a small crime at best and didn't affect the comfort of our guests. When asked about inviting people to the showers (two different states) who weren't invited to the wedding  I was adamant that that wasn't okay and very tacky and rude. My mom invited some anyways...ohhh mothers. :-)

One of my besties had a honeyfund. I don't like them but I don't hate them so much I'd point it out. She's a smart girl, she understands the terms of service and made her decision.

My best friend is getting married in September. She helped me through her planning, I'm helping her through hers. I've shared many of the opinions of this etiquette forum with her (especially since she now asks and calls me the etiquette queen!) While she isn't following all of the straight etiquette rules -I appreciate she's asking, listening and trying to host her guests properly. 

I am going to pretty strongly disagree with the bolded. That is something worth speaking up over.  People are kind enough to bring you a gift. The least you can do is address the thank you card. I would assume you are close enough to your mom and sister to let them know how rude that is.

This happened to me at a bridal shower hosted by my Fi's sisters. I had no idea it was happening until most of the envelopes were already handed out. I couldn't really say "hey SIL stop that right now!" So I just tossed away all the old envelopes, bought new ones and addressed them myself.

[Deleted User]

frenchiekin said:

thisismynickname said:

I think I'm just going to parrot what PPs have said.  Am I close to the person and can it be changed?  I've been trying to steer my best friend in a good direction, but I'm not opening my mouth on her large gap between ceremony and reception. It won't change. 

My coworker did the "please donate to charity in lieu of gifts" thing and "adults only" on the invite thing and I just nodded politely. 

If I experience the etiquette breach in the moment, I might quietly complain to my husband, but I'd never say anything to anyone else. It can be changed, it is what is is. 

Agree with the above as well.  After the fact, it's just adding insult to injury when it can't be changed... and I want to avoid seeming like a know-it-all/condescending/someone who is just trying to prove a point, which brings me to this question...

If you're discussing your OWN wedding with someone who has committed etiquette mistakes for their weddings, how do you feel about gently/politely defending your etiquette-approved decision?  

Example - I'm chatting with my MOH about my wedding, and she asks what the plan is for makeup and how I want the BMs to be "done".  I tell her that I've booked a makeup artist, the cost is $X, and she is there for anyone who would like to have their makeup done; but it is completely up to each individual whether she would like to have hers done, do it herself, wear none, etc. and there are NO stylistic requirements whatsoever.  I just want everyone to be comfortable and feel great.  She expresses her shock and confusion, as when I was MOH in HER wedding and I mentioned that I was going to do my own makeup (due to both $$ and because I always HATE how my makeup looks when done by someone else), she essentially guilted me into doing it because I'd be the only one not getting it done and she really wanted everyone to look uniform.  She did not pay for it.

I did it because I love her (and because I had no backbone at the time), and also because I felt it was required - this was several years ago, I was young-ish.  By explicitly saying that I would not require my bridesmaids to get their makeup done a certain way, am I indirectly telling her that what she did was wrong?  I've had to keep my mouth shut in several of these circumstances so as not to seem super judgey.

Sorry if none of that made sense - it's my Monday today and my thoughts aren't really stringing together normally.

I did this with my sister.  We were talking about my guest list and whether I'd be inviting some cousins I barely know because I'd have to invite them with their random girlfriends I've never met.  My sister was all, "no you don't.  I didn't.  I know cousin Melissa got engaged a month after my wedding, but there was no way I was inviting her stupid boyfriend we'd met twice at family reunions."  I told her she was rude.  She said she didn't care  She also told (before her wedding) some of her unmarried friends that she wouldn't be inviting their girlfriends because she didn't like them, but she was inviting their brother's girlfriend because she liked her.  But she wasn't technically "no ring, no bring" because I didn't have a ring but FH was invited.  And my gay cousin was invited with her girlfriend.  Sister is a piece of work, she is.