Family Drama & Invites

Knottie58507285

We have our date picked out for the summer and my parents announced the dates to all of their family members (my aunts and uncles from both sides of the family). Our STD's were printed and on the eve of sending them out, my mom had a major fight with everyone in her family. She told me that in one of her emails to her family member, she dragged me into it and said that I originally wanted to do a destination wedding because I didn't want to invite anyone of my mom's family members (true). Now I don't know what to do with the STD's that we ordered (my mom has 8 siblings and I only truly want to invite 2 of them). 

Back story on the family drama - I grew up watching how her brothers and sisters used and abused my parents' generosity and then stab them in the back or making rude comments right in their faces at family reunions (and we have lots of them). My mom had been very accommodating and would turn her other cheeks and let them smack her again (figuratively). My mom is a devout Catholic so she said "well they are my family". It's been the topic of my parent's major fights since as long as I can remember. Needless to say, my immediate family (my dad, sister, and I) prefer not to deal with my mom's family because they see us as low life/not worthy to be in the family (yet both my sister and I went to awesome schools and we are pretty successful in our lives). Because my mom didn't stand up for herself her whole life, everyone in the family took advantage of her without even blinking an eye. 

So now she blew up on her family, her 50+ years of bottled emotions came flying out on emails (since people refused to show when my mom wanted to call a family meeting to address some issues). AND SHE DRAGGED ME INTO THIS!!!!! So now, the cat is out of the bag. Everyone on her family knows I despised them and didn't want to invite them.  We have to do the wedding in our home town (instead of a destination) because my fiance wants to include his family.

Another dilemma - 2 of my 6 bridesmaids are my cousins from that family side. It would be awkward if their parents (my uncles) are not invited. But if they bow out of the wedding party, it would not trouble me one bit... only to confirm that my mom's family side is crazy to say the least. My cousins and I are close but they are closer to their parents. 

Question: Should I still send the STD's and invites to my aunts and uncles that I know gave my mom and family hell over the years? 

Not inviting would mean that if my mom patches things up with her family (and she always cave when the pressure is from her side of the family) it would be super awkward in the future. Those people don't forgive and forget (yet those were the exact words they told my mom to forgive and forget). Ugh... Talking about it makes me mad. 

Please help! My fiance is ok with whatever I choose to do. He understands and frustrates at my extended family dynamics as well.

KatWAG

STDs= invites. So I would skip the STDs. They arent mandatory anyway. Give things some time to cool down and them decide if you want to invite them. BUt once you send the STD, there is no going back.  

flantastic

Knottie58507285 said:

We have our date picked out for the summer and my parents announced the dates to all of their family members (my aunts and uncles from both sides of the family). Our STD's were printed and on the eve of sending them out, my mom had a major fight with everyone in her family. She told me that in one of her emails to her family member, she dragged me into it and said that I originally wanted to do a destination wedding because I didn't want to invite anyone of my mom's family members (true). Now I don't know what to do with the STD's that we ordered (my mom has 8 siblings and I only truly want to invite 2 of them). 

Back story on the family drama - I grew up watching how her brothers and sisters used and abused my parents' generosity and then stab them in the back or making rude comments right in their faces at family reunions (and we have lots of them). My mom had been very accommodating and would turn her other cheeks and let them smack her again (figuratively). My mom is a devout Catholic so she said "well they are my family". It's been the topic of my parent's major fights since as long as I can remember. Needless to say, my immediate family (my dad, sister, and I) prefer not to deal with my mom's family because they see us as low life/not worthy to be in the family (yet both my sister and I went to awesome schools and we are pretty successful in our lives). Because my mom didn't stand up for herself her whole life, everyone in the family took advantage of her without even blinking an eye. 

So now she blew up on her family, her 50+ years of bottled emotions came flying out on emails (since people refused to show when my mom wanted to call a family meeting to address some issues). AND SHE DRAGGED ME INTO THIS!!!!! So now, the cat is out of the bag. Everyone on her family knows I despised them and didn't want to invite them.  We have to do the wedding in our home town (instead of a destination) because my fiance wants to include his family.

Another dilemma - 2 of my 6 bridesmaids are my cousins from that family side. It would be awkward if their parents (my uncles) are not invited. But if they bow out of the wedding party, it would not trouble me one bit... only to confirm that my mom's family side is crazy to say the least. My cousins and I are close but they are closer to their parents. 

Question: Should I still send the STD's and invites to my aunts and uncles that I know gave my mom and family hell over the years? 

Not inviting would mean that if my mom patches things up with her family (and she always cave when the pressure is from her side of the family) it would be super awkward in the future. Those people don't forgive and forget (yet those were the exact words they told my mom to forgive and forget). Ugh... Talking about it makes me mad. 

Please help! My fiance is ok with whatever I choose to do. He understands and frustrates at my extended family dynamics as well.

If you truly despise them, why do you care?

If you already don't like them, why does it matter whether they dislike you? Do you need to go to these extended family gatherings? Can you not hang out with your cousins outside of family reunions?

Invite who you want to invite, bearing in mind your capacity for future awkward interactions.

southernbelle0915

Knottie58507285 said:

We have our date picked out for the summer and my parents announced the dates to all of their family members (my aunts and uncles from both sides of the family). Our STD's were printed and on the eve of sending them out, my mom had a major fight with everyone in her family. She told me that in one of her emails to her family member, she dragged me into it and said that I originally wanted to do a destination wedding because I didn't want to invite anyone of my mom's family members (true). Now I don't know what to do with the STD's that we ordered (my mom has 8 siblings and I only truly want to invite 2 of them). 

Back story on the family drama - I grew up watching how her brothers and sisters used and abused my parents' generosity and then stab them in the back or making rude comments right in their faces at family reunions (and we have lots of them). My mom had been very accommodating and would turn her other cheeks and let them smack her again (figuratively). My mom is a devout Catholic so she said "well they are my family". It's been the topic of my parent's major fights since as long as I can remember. Needless to say, my immediate family (my dad, sister, and I) prefer not to deal with my mom's family because they see us as low life/not worthy to be in the family (yet both my sister and I went to awesome schools and we are pretty successful in our lives). Because my mom didn't stand up for herself her whole life, everyone in the family took advantage of her without even blinking an eye. 

So now she blew up on her family, her 50+ years of bottled emotions came flying out on emails (since people refused to show when my mom wanted to call a family meeting to address some issues). AND SHE DRAGGED ME INTO THIS!!!!! So now, the cat is out of the bag. Everyone on her family knows I despised them and didn't want to invite them.  We have to do the wedding in our home town (instead of a destination) because my fiance wants to include his family.

Another dilemma - 2 of my 6 bridesmaids are my cousins from that family side. It would be awkward if their parents (my uncles) are not invited. But if they bow out of the wedding party, it would not trouble me one bit... only to confirm that my mom's family side is crazy to say the least. My cousins and I are close but they are closer to their parents. 

Question: Should I still send the STD's and invites to my aunts and uncles that I know gave my mom and family hell over the years? 

Not inviting would mean that if my mom patches things up with her family (and she always cave when the pressure is from her side of the family) it would be super awkward in the future. Those people don't forgive and forget (yet those were the exact words they told my mom to forgive and forget). Ugh... Talking about it makes me mad. 

Please help! My fiance is ok with whatever I choose to do. He understands and frustrates at my extended family dynamics as well.

If you send STDs, a formal invitation MUST follow...no matter what happens. If you aren't sure right now how this will turn out, I would not send any of them STDs. Only send to VIPs and people you know for certain you want to invite.

STDs aren't required anyway so its not like you're "stiffing" them or something.

BrandNewJ

KatWAG said:

STDs= invites. So I would skip the STDs. They arent mandatory anyway. Give things some time to cool down and them decide if you want to invite them. BUt once you send the STD, there is no going back.  

Her mom verbally invited all of them when telling them the date, so they did actually get a verbal StD. That changes things, right? 

No you don't have to send a StD if there is a possibility you won't invite them. You can still send an invite without sending a StD. But, I believe, since they were verbally already invited, it would completely ruin your and your mom's relationship with her family. If you're prepared for that, then don't invite them. But that's a decision you can make later down the road. 

thespeshulestsnowflake

Knottie58507285 said:

We have our date picked out for the summer and my parents announced the dates to all of their family members (my aunts and uncles from both sides of the family). Our STD's were printed and on the eve of sending them out, my mom had a major fight with everyone in her family. She told me that in one of her emails to her family member, she dragged me into it and said that I originally wanted to do a destination wedding because I didn't want to invite anyone of my mom's family members (true). Now I don't know what to do with the STD's that we ordered (my mom has 8 siblings and I only truly want to invite 2 of them). 

Back story on the family drama - I grew up watching how her brothers and sisters used and abused my parents' generosity and then stab them in the back or making rude comments right in their faces at family reunions (and we have lots of them). My mom had been very accommodating and would turn her other cheeks and let them smack her again (figuratively). My mom is a devout Catholic so she said "well they are my family". It's been the topic of my parent's major fights since as long as I can remember. Needless to say, my immediate family (my dad, sister, and I) prefer not to deal with my mom's family because they see us as low life/not worthy to be in the family (yet both my sister and I went to awesome schools and we are pretty successful in our lives). Because my mom didn't stand up for herself her whole life, everyone in the family took advantage of her without even blinking an eye. 

So now she blew up on her family, her 50+ years of bottled emotions came flying out on emails (since people refused to show when my mom wanted to call a family meeting to address some issues). AND SHE DRAGGED ME INTO THIS!!!!! So now, the cat is out of the bag. Everyone on her family knows I despised them and didn't want to invite them.  We have to do the wedding in our home town (instead of a destination) because my fiance wants to include his family.

Another dilemma - 2 of my 6 bridesmaids are my cousins from that family side. It would be awkward if their parents (my uncles) are not invited. But if they bow out of the wedding party, it would not trouble me one bit... only to confirm that my mom's family side is crazy to say the least. My cousins and I are close but they are closer to their parents. 

Question: Should I still send the STD's and invites to my aunts and uncles that I know gave my mom and family hell over the years? 

Not inviting would mean that if my mom patches things up with her family (and she always cave when the pressure is from her side of the family) it would be super awkward in the future. Those people don't forgive and forget (yet those were the exact words they told my mom to forgive and forget). Ugh... Talking about it makes me mad. 

Please help! My fiance is ok with whatever I choose to do. He understands and frustrates at my extended family dynamics as well.

1st Bolded: Good for her for finally standing up for herself, negative points for dragging you into it, that's not cool.

2nd Bolded: Why would it be awkward for their parents to not be invited? Are they adults (18+)? Are you inviting the parents of your other bridesmaids?

KatWAG

BrandNewJ said:

KatWAG said:

STDs= invites. So I would skip the STDs. They arent mandatory anyway. Give things some time to cool down and them decide if you want to invite them. BUt once you send the STD, there is no going back.  

Her mom verbally invited all of them when telling them the date, so they did actually get a verbal StD. That changes things, right? 

No you don't have to send a StD if there is a possibility you won't invite them. You can still send an invite without sending a StD. But, I believe, since they were verbally already invited, it would completely ruin your and your mom's relationship with her family. If you're prepared for that, then don't invite them. But that's a decision you can make later down the road. 

Its a grey area. I would need to know what was said. Did the mom say "OP is getting married on June 1, yay!!" or did Mom say "OP, is getting married on June 1, see you there!!!" There is a big difference.

Regardless, I think its OP's mom issue to fix.

southernbelle0915

BrandNewJ said:

KatWAG said:

STDs= invites. So I would skip the STDs. They arent mandatory anyway. Give things some time to cool down and them decide if you want to invite them. BUt once you send the STD, there is no going back.  

Her mom verbally invited all of them when telling them the date, so they did actually get a verbal StD. That changes things, right? 

No you don't have to send a StD if there is a possibility you won't invite them. You can still send an invite without sending a StD. But, I believe, since they were verbally already invited, it would completely ruin your and your mom's relationship with her family. If you're prepared for that, then don't invite them. But that's a decision you can make later down the road. 

That only changes things if mom is hosting. If mom just went willy nilly without OP's permission, then that's mom's mistake to fix. For example, my ILs did not contribute toward or host in any way our wedding. DH's mom went around verbally inviting neighbors, hair dressers, etc. without clearing with us first. That was her bad and she was responsible for fixing it.

BrandNewJ

@KatWAG‌ @southernbelle0915‌ yeah, good point. It doesn't matter either way, it's moms mess to deal with. OP, if you're funding your own wedding, you get say over who you invite. If you don't want to invite your moms family, don't. 

[Deleted User]

I would put their STD to the side. Who knows what a few weeks can do to the family situation. Just because you don't send them a written STD doesn't mean they can't be invited to the wedding when it comes time to send out the invites.

yogablossom

You don't have to send out save the dates to every single person invited to your wedding. However, you do have to send invitations to ever single person who received a save the date.  Hold off on the save the dates for now and send them only to people who you KNOW you want to  get an invitation.  Then when the time comes to send out invites, re-evaluate your situation. It may have changed since now! Good luck!

Jen4948

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

Knottie58507285 said:

We have our date picked out for the summer and my parents announced the dates to all of their family members (my aunts and uncles from both sides of the family). Our STD's were printed and on the eve of sending them out, my mom had a major fight with everyone in her family. She told me that in one of her emails to her family member, she dragged me into it and said that I originally wanted to do a destination wedding because I didn't want to invite anyone of my mom's family members (true). Now I don't know what to do with the STD's that we ordered (my mom has 8 siblings and I only truly want to invite 2 of them). 

Back story on the family drama - I grew up watching how her brothers and sisters used and abused my parents' generosity and then stab them in the back or making rude comments right in their faces at family reunions (and we have lots of them). My mom had been very accommodating and would turn her other cheeks and let them smack her again (figuratively). My mom is a devout Catholic so she said "well they are my family". It's been the topic of my parent's major fights since as long as I can remember. Needless to say, my immediate family (my dad, sister, and I) prefer not to deal with my mom's family because they see us as low life/not worthy to be in the family (yet both my sister and I went to awesome schools and we are pretty successful in our lives). Because my mom didn't stand up for herself her whole life, everyone in the family took advantage of her without even blinking an eye. 

So now she blew up on her family, her 50+ years of bottled emotions came flying out on emails (since people refused to show when my mom wanted to call a family meeting to address some issues). AND SHE DRAGGED ME INTO THIS!!!!! So now, the cat is out of the bag. Everyone on her family knows I despised them and didn't want to invite them.  We have to do the wedding in our home town (instead of a destination) because my fiance wants to include his family.

Another dilemma - 2 of my 6 bridesmaids are my cousins from that family side. It would be awkward if their parents (my uncles) are not invited. But if they bow out of the wedding party, it would not trouble me one bit... only to confirm that my mom's family side is crazy to say the least. My cousins and I are close but they are closer to their parents. 

Question: Should I still send the STD's and invites to my aunts and uncles that I know gave my mom and family hell over the years? 

Not inviting would mean that if my mom patches things up with her family (and she always cave when the pressure is from her side of the family) it would be super awkward in the future. Those people don't forgive and forget (yet those were the exact words they told my mom to forgive and forget). Ugh... Talking about it makes me mad. 

Please help! My fiance is ok with whatever I choose to do. He understands and frustrates at my extended family dynamics as well.

1st Bolded: Good for her for finally standing up for herself, negative points for dragging you into it, that's not cool.

2nd Bolded: Why would it be awkward for their parents to not be invited? Are they adults (18+)? Are you inviting the parents of your other bridesmaids?

It sounds as though the bridesmaids in question are minors, or at least need their parents to provide travel, dress, or other funding for them. OP will have to confirm that though. And it may be necessary to let them drop out (just don't ask them to drop out since that's rude).

As for the rest, if you haven't sent out save-the-dates to any of these people, OP, don't. But if your mom had already indicated before the blowup that you were going to invite them, you still need to do so.

Sorry your mom involved you in this.

Knottie58507285

Thanks all the replies. I'll hold off the group of STDs until things calm down.

The bridesmaids are all adults so their parents don't have to be there. I was just thinking about future dramas as the result of not inviting their parents. To make matters more complicated, one of the 2 will get married a month after my wedding and i'm one of her bridesmaids. So it will be uncomfortable to see people I don't invite to my wedding). 

Sigh. yes this is complicated if I don't invite people. 

After discussing with my sister, and since now I'm involved, I might have to use this opportunity to get the family together and address the issues. If they refuse to show again like they did to my mom, I have a real reason for not inviting people who don't show. It would be nice to not invite people and also not feel guilty about it.