Is a small ceremony rude?

pixjt

We decided early on that we wanted a small wedding ceremony that only includes our immediate family.  We plan on having an evening dinner celebration on the same day as our ceremony with everyone (85 ppl).  I've been reading too many posts about how rude it is, and others that say its perfectly fine! The posts are all severely outdated.  Help.  I  don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I also am not one for the attention that comes with being a bride. 

Maggie0829

Etiquette wise what you are planning is fine.  But many, myself included, just don't understand the point of having a small ceremony and then a larger reception.  I don't get why you (general you) are okay celebrating with a large group of people but aren't okay inviting those same people to the reason for the celebration (your ceremony).

And sorry to say, but you will still be the center of attention at the dinner.  The whole point of the dinner is to celebrate your recent marriage so you and your FI will be the center of attention whether you want to be or not.

poodledoodleooo

Etiquette approved or not, it still feels like a slight and a gift grab when you only get invited to the reception.

I ALWAYS decline reception only invites.

lovegood90

From at etiquette standpoint, it's not rude to have a very small, immediate family only ceremony with a larger reception.

However I personally find it rude and silly. The whole point of a reception is to receive your guests to thank them for attending your ceremony. If you just invite me to the reception, it tells me that you think I'm good enough to come and bring a gift but not to watch you get married.

I also think that people who have small ceremonies and large receptions because they don't want to be the center of attention to be extremely silly. At the reception you will also be the center of attention and you will be expected to greet, thank and socialize with every guest. So if it's really about wanting something small or having social anxiety, I think one should just have a small ceremony and small reception, or elope.

short+sassy

Most PPs agree it is not rude if and only if it is truly a small ceremony.  Like just parents, maybe grandparents/sibs.  It also needs to be a small percentage of your total guests.  For example, if your immediate family is 20...that is already almost 25% of your guest list and give it a much more "tiered" kind of feel.

I personally don't agree with the above.  I think, except maybe under very unusual circumstances...medically diagnosed anxiety disorder kind of thing...it is rude and really odd to have a separate invite list for the ceremony and reception.  The whole point of a reception is to thank your guests for coming to your wedding...but, in that scenario...most of the guests didn't go to the wedding anyway.

The ceremony is the most important part!!!!  Without which, there would be no reception at all.

Now if I had a friend who did the "invite only immediate family to the ceremony" and then I was invited to just the reception...I wouldn't think she was a jerk or a horrible person, but I would side eye it a bit.  It would also make it less likely I would go simply because I'd be missing a crucial component of the day. 

lovegood90

sjf2715 said:

Etiquette approved or not, it still feels like a slight and a gift grab when you only get invited to the reception.

I ALWAYS decline reception only invites.

Same here.

esstee33

It's technically OK (as long as the ceremony truly is VERY small -- no inviting half the people to the ceremony and half only to the reception!), but totally defeats the purpose of not being the center of attention when you're throwing a much larger party in celebration of your marriage. Like, you're the whole reason for the party, so you're still very much going to be the center of attention. 

pixjt said:

We decided early on that we wanted a small wedding ceremony that only includes our immediate family.  We plan on having an evening dinner celebration on the same day as our ceremony with everyone (85 ppl).  I've been reading too many posts about how rude it is, and others that say its perfectly fine! The posts are all severely outdated.  Help.  I  don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I also am not one for the attention that comes with being a bride. 

pixjt

Thanks for the input.  Everyone's comments are exactly my fear.  'side-eye wouldn't come kind of thing'.  I wanted to elope, but my FI wanted a party.  NO gifts...Figured this was the best of both worlds.  Our family comprises of 8 people total. I do have anxiety, but i guess i spend my wedding day on xanax and hope for the best

lovegood90

pixjt said:

Thanks for the input.  Everyone's comments are exactly my fear.  'side-eye wouldn't come kind of thing'.  I wanted to elope, but my FI wanted a party.  NO gifts...Figured this was the best of both worlds.  Our family comprises of 8 people total. I do have anxiety, but i guess i spend my wedding day on xanax and hope for the best

If you want to elope and your Fi wants a party, why not just make it a really small party? Like, immediate family and very close friends? I feel like that's a better compromise than having a small ceremony and large reception. Because then no one feels slighted and you won't feel overwhelmed by too many people. And your Fi still gets a party, just a smaller one.

levioosa

pixjt said:

Thanks for the input.  Everyone's comments are exactly my fear.  'side-eye wouldn't come kind of thing'.  I wanted to elope, but my FI wanted a party.  NO gifts...Figured this was the best of both worlds.  Our family comprises of 8 people total. I do have anxiety, but i guess i spend my wedding day on xanax and hope for the best

@lovegood90 had some good advice.

Also, just wanted to let you know that etiquette wise, putting "No Gifts" on invitations is actually very rude. Just don't include any registry information on your website and if people ask, let them know you're looking forward to celebrating with them at the wedding. 

pixjt

@lovegood90 does have some good advice as do you @levioosa.

My FI and I have a guest list of 40 people, the rest are his parents guests.  We are still dealing with my MIL's guest list, she wants more..

I've already read up on NO GIFTS on the invitations, so i'm set there haha.

southernbelle0915

pixjt said:

Thanks for the input.  Everyone's comments are exactly my fear.  'side-eye wouldn't come kind of thing'.  I wanted to elope, but my FI wanted a party.  NO gifts...Figured this was the best of both worlds.  Our family comprises of 8 people total. I do have anxiety, but i guess i spend my wedding day on xanax and hope for the best

......or your FI respects the fact that you have a medical condition and you adjust your plans so that you're both happy. 

Could you do just a really intimate wedding/reception. Like 30 people or so? And your reception could be out to a restaurant where you don't need to do spotlight dances, cake cutting or anything you don't want to do.

Maggie0829

pixjt said:

@lovegood90 does have some good advice as do you @levioosa.

My FI and I have a guest list of 40 people, the rest are his parents guests.  We are still dealing with my MIL's guest list, she wants more..

I've already read up on NO GIFTS on the invitations, so i'm set there haha.

Who is paying for this wedding?

runsonveggies

Just don't invite the parents' guests. If you pay for it yourself you don't need to invite them.

pixjt

@southernbelle0915

I just really want a small ceremony.  I feel I can be more myself in a small group.  The other half of our wedding guest list is his parents friends/family and we've fought with his mom over her guests.  I am guessing I am just going to have to suck it up and do the 85 people ceremony/reception or not give a shit what anyone says and go with my original idea of a small ceremony, larger party after. 

pixjt

@knottie7387131

That's what we have planned from the get go.. But this lady is not having it.  She asked my FI for 3 days about a few save the dates for people we have no interest in inviting.  We don't know them at all and they are fairly new friends of hers. I wish it were easier.

pixjt

Maggie0829 said:

pixjt said:

@lovegood90 does have some good advice as do you @levioosa.

My FI and I have a guest list of 40 people, the rest are his parents guests.  We are still dealing with my MIL's guest list, she wants more..

I've already read up on NO GIFTS on the invitations, so i'm set there haha.

Who is paying for this wedding?

we are.

lovegood90

pixjt said:

Maggie0829 said:

pixjt said:

@lovegood90 does have some good advice as do you @levioosa.

My FI and I have a guest list of 40 people, the rest are his parents guests.  We are still dealing with my MIL's guest list, she wants more..

I've already read up on NO GIFTS on the invitations, so i'm set there haha.

Who is paying for this wedding?

we are.

Then no one else but you and your Fi get a say in your guest list. Just let them whine and complain and do what you want with the guest list at the end of the day. Don't feel pressured to invite people they want when they aren't paying.

Maggie0829

pixjt said:

Maggie0829 said:

pixjt said:

@lovegood90 does have some good advice as do you @levioosa.

My FI and I have a guest list of 40 people, the rest are his parents guests.  We are still dealing with my MIL's guest list, she wants more..

I've already read up on NO GIFTS on the invitations, so i'm set there haha.

Who is paying for this wedding?

we are.

Then you and your FI have final say over your guest list.  Unless your FI is dead set that his parents friends are invited to your wedding you have every right to say no to their request.

runsonveggies

I agree with the other posters. Your fiance needs to stand up to her and tell her that her friends aren't invited.

littlepep

If you and your FI are paying, I would definitely have him shut her down. The wedding is about celebrating the two of you; it's not a party for her friends. If she wants to contribute, she can have a little more input on the guest list, but you are also free to decline her money and do as you please. Don't let her bully you into the kind of wedding you don't want. 

fwtx5815

littlepep said:

If you and your FI are paying, I would definitely have him shut her down. The wedding is about celebrating the two of you; it's not a party for her friends. If she wants to contribute, she can have a little more input on the guest list, but you are also free to decline her money and do as you please. Don't let her bully you into the kind of wedding you don't want. 

Yep. Your future in-laws don't get to dictate the guest list if they aren't contributing financially. Your fiancé should be the one to inform them that you only feel comfortable inviting the friends and family you're close to.

Since you're getting ready to start your lives together as spouses, now would be a good time to set some boundaries with his parents. They don't have to love your decision but they do need to respect your choice of wedding size. If they continue to complain about it and bring it up, you (or your fiancé) can say: Mom and Dad, we've already discussed this and we are firm in our decision. Please consider the topic closed.

flantastic

dallasbetch said:

If you and your FI are paying, I would definitely have him shut her down. The wedding is about celebrating the two of you; it's not a party for her friends. If she wants to contribute, she can have a little more input on the guest list, but you are also free to decline her money and do as you please. Don't let her bully you into the kind of wedding you don't want. 

Yep. Your future in-laws don't get to dictate the guest list if they aren't contributing financially. Your fiancé should be the one to inform them that you only feel comfortable inviting the friends and family you're close to. Since you're getting ready to start your lives together as spouses, now would be a good time to set some boundaries with his parents. They don't have to love your decision but they do need to respect your choice of wedding size. If they continue to complain about it and bring it up, you (or your fiancé) can say: Mom and Dad, we've already discussed this and we are firm in our decision. Please consider the topic closed.

Gotta set those boundaries. What happens next? They insist you send your children to a certain school?

lc07

pixjt said:

Thanks for the input.  Everyone's comments are exactly my fear.  'side-eye wouldn't come kind of thing'.  I wanted to elope, but my FI wanted a party.  NO gifts...Figured this was the best of both worlds.  Our family comprises of 8 people total. I do have anxiety, but i guess i spend my wedding day on xanax and hope for the best

pixjt said:

@lovegood90 does have some good advice as do you @levioosa.

My FI and I have a guest list of 40 people, the rest are his parents guests.  We are still dealing with my MIL's guest list, she wants more..

I've already read up on NO GIFTS on the invitations, so i'm set there haha.

So if you already know not to mention gifts then how do you know there will be NO GIFTS?