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Not Engaged Yet

sorry, i deleted the post

MarriedFeb2015MarriedFeb2015 SoCal member
First Comment
edited May 2015 in Not Engaged Yet

Re: sorry, i deleted the post

  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    I'm sorry for my bad English grammars. English is my third language, thank you for reading my long post.

    Me and my BF are in a committed relationship. We both are two Financial Independent adults with our own jobs, I'm 30 and he is 29.
    The relationship is full of fidelity on both physical & emotional level. There is no third party between us.

     He is not the type of guy that talks alot about his inner feelings. He more of the 'actions' type, than the 'words' type, when he say something, he do it.

    Once we passed by a jewelry store; he asked me what kind of wedding ring do I like when we get married. And in the jewelry store, I specificly point to the type of ring I want: the simple classic wedding band ring.

    He still remember what I said, so few months ago he end up getting this matching wedding pair band ring for us (the ring I said I like at the jewelry store before). It was his idea, he buy the rings out of his own willing.

    He wore the ring 24/7 on his left hand. And since he buy the matching rings himself, so pretty much he put a ring on his own left finger, telling everyone that he’s taken.

     BUT, here the but, he NEVER say the 'official' proposal words to me. Many times he said that: "If you want, we can go register for marriage tomorrow". He said this before, and he still say it now.

    He still asked the question often, few times a week. He asked again two nights ago, he just throw it out there, he be like "Baby, if you want, we can go apply for marriage liscence tomorrow."

     I just can't seem to find myself to accept this as an 'official' proposal. Seem like he just throw the ball on my court, and let me be the one to decide when I'm ready to want to get married?

    Why can't he just say the official words of 'Would you married me' .....instead of the 'If you want, we can go register for marriage tomorrow'. These 2 sentences is NOT the same.

    Do you coinsider this as he propose? Or do I have propose to him and ask his hand in marriage?

    Due  to my tradditional Chinese culture. I wasn't raise to be taught that me as a girl should go propose to a guy, or ask the guy directly if he want to get married.

    Do you think he is the type of guy that "Want a serious relationship, but Not want a marriage?"

    I don't want to force marriage out of a man. Whenever he ready he can propose to me. I can wait for him like I always wait. I just that sometmies I wonder what he REALLY wants in his head, or if he even serious at all.

    I would not have considered myself to be engaged if I were in your shoes. I would have looked at him like he had three heads or thought he was joking if he said that to me. 

    My husband and I were very much on the same page from the start about where our relationship was heading. We looked at rings together but he knew that him asking me to marry him and giving me the ring he picked out was important to me. While it works for other couples, I would not have proposed. It's just not my style. 

    If you want to marry this man, you need to sit down and talk to him about this. Communication is very important in all aspects of a relationship. 



    KeptInStitches
  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I did not get the traditional "will you marry me" proposal - that's not my H's style and I knew that.  We picked out the ring together and when it came in he basically handed it to me and said 'Here ya go'.

    It is for each couple to decide what is right for them when it comes to getting engaged.  It sounds like you both need to sit down and just talk about your timeline for getting engaged and married.  You can include in that timeline that you're not comfortable 'asking' him or making those decisions and what you are hoping for. 

    Because we are not your BF, we do not know what he is thinking.


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  • MarriedFeb2015MarriedFeb2015 SoCal member
    First Comment
    edited May 2015
  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    That is why I keep wondering if:
    1. He wants a serious relationship, but does NOT want a marriage.
    2. He wants marriage, but he just not declaring it to me with extravagant flowery ways.

    I can't find myself to propose to him, I also don't want to ask him for marriage.
    I don't want to force marriage out of a man. I know if I ask him, he going to go along with me and say what I want to hear so I be happy, but I don't find that meaningful. I want him to be the one to ask me to be his wife out of his own willing, just like when he buy the matching rings.

    image He got this type of matching gold band ring for us, and he wore it on his left hand marriage finger 24/7 too. I hope he serious, he better be serious. Do men these days just wear ring like this for fun?



    1) If he didn't want marriage, why would he mention it? He said you could go apply for your marriage license. To me, that says he's thinking marriage. 

    2) A proposal does not have to be extravagant. I got engaged in my bedroom after I got home from work. He just got down on his knee and said "will you?" (to which I replied, "will I what?!" -- I wanted ALL the words). 

    You have to talk to him about this. We can't tell you where your boyfriend's head is at. That's something only he can tell you. 

    And no, my husband has only ever worn one ring on either of his hands and it's his wedding band. 



  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    My husband and I had a destination wedding, we wore our rings on the trip there (before the wedding) but that was it and it's just because we're both forgetful at times and didn't want to either forget the rings at home or forget where we put them the day of the wedding.


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  • in other cultures (I know some people from South/Central America), the man will wear a ring when engaged, as well as the woman.  I don't know if your BF is a little confused about the American tradition (wedding band when married, for the man) or if he has experience with other cultures that do have an engagement/wedding band for the man.  however, the vast majority of American couples practice the tradition of an engagement ring for the woman, and wedding bands/rings for both exchanged at the wedding.

    although it probably goes against your Chinese culture to blatantly ask for what you want, you'll find that you get better results if you do.  your BF can't read your mind.  relationships and marriage are so much easier if you learn to talk to each other honestly and ask for what you want.  it's not always easy, but your relationship will become so much stronger!

    perhaps the next time he asks you, you could just tell him that if he is serious about getting married, then would he please ask you to marry him instead of asking you to get a marriage license.  he might not understand exactly why, but instead of having these unsaid expectations, it would give you a chance to explain why it's important to you. 

    he loves you and wants to make you happy, but if you don't tell him what makes you happy then how does he know?
    KeptInStitchesmarylab[Deleted User]
  • MarriedFeb2015MarriedFeb2015 SoCal member
    First Comment
    edited May 2015
  • @hispresence - you don't have to beg him for it, you just tell him what you want.  it's like at Christmas, my H asks me what I want, so I send him a list of things I'd like.  if you expect him to just know what you want, you're constantly going to be disappointed.

    there's a difference between begging and letting him know what you want.  it's easier to learn to do it now, because it's going to come up over and over as the years go by.
  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    When he starts talking about marriage and even if he brings up applying for a marriage license, there is nothing wrong with saying 'I also would like to get married, but I would like a traditional proposal where you ask me for my hand in marriage'.  Just as you cannot read his mind, he cannot read yours.


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  • edited January 2015
    Welcome @hispresence!  It sounds to me like your BF wants to marry you, which is why he keeps bringing it up.

    I think the best thing to do is to say, "I would like an actual proposal before we get married.  The words, 'Will you marry me,' are important to me.  I am not just going to go down to the courthouse without a proper proposal.  This is something important and special, and I want to treat it as such."

    Also, if you want a larger wedding, and not a courthouse wedding, now would be the time to tell him.
  • MarriedFeb2015MarriedFeb2015 SoCal member
    First Comment
    edited May 2015
  • if you haven't told him you want it, then you can't hold it against him if he doesn't do it.  sorry.
    loves2shop4shoesBlackbird230
  • eilis1228eilis1228 Southwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    if you haven't told him you want it, then you can't hold it against him if he doesn't do it.  sorry.
    Cosigned!


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  • edited January 2015
    He clearly isn't afraid of commitment if he's willing to go to the courthouse with you.

    I agree with @CocoBellaF,you can't expect him to KNOW that you want a formal proposal if you don't tell him so.  Men are not mind readers.  Telling him that something is important to you isn't FORCING him to do it. It's communicating your wants and needs.
  • Hello!  I have a question...did he give you a ring?  Do you also wear that ring 24/7?  If so then perhaps he keeps bringing up marriage because he already feels like you are engaged, even without the "will you marry me?" part.  I also agree with the others, you gotta talk to him.  Sounds like you guys are on the same page but perhaps he's a paragraph ahead of you!
    Formerly doubless07
    MarriedFeb2015
  • MarriedFeb2015MarriedFeb2015 SoCal member
    First Comment
    edited May 2015
  • Ollie08Ollie08 Central FL member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper

    Hello BaytoSA2013,
    It was his idea to buy the matching band ring, I didn't force him to.
    And yes , he gave me the same gold band ring. He bought two, one for me and one for him.

    He wear the ring 24/7 on his left hand wedding finger, so this pretty much he telling everyone he is taken right?
    I also wear mine 24/7 too.

    Few times every week, he would asked me that if I want, we can go to register for marriage. Last time in bed, he throw it out there again,  the "Baby, if you want, we can go apply for marriage liscence tomorrow."

    But still, not the "Would you be my wife" or "Would you married me" official proposal.


    I think that's your problem right there. You accepted the ring from him, and also wear it 24/7. If I were him, I would assume that meant we were already engaged and there's no need to ask anything.

    Sounds like you two really need to have a conversation. I'd hope If you were thinking of marrying a man, you'd be comfortable enough to have a conversation with him about your expectations and what you want from life.


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  • Blackbird230Blackbird230 Connecticut member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    What @Ollie08 said. Also, I think what the other ladies are trying to get at is what have YOU said to him about YOUR wishes. You keep saying what he said about getting the marriage license, but not actually what you said back to him. 

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  • MarriedFeb2015MarriedFeb2015 SoCal member
    First Comment
    edited May 2015
  • Blackbird230Blackbird230 Connecticut member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    @hispresence I don't think you understand what we're trying to say. By wearing the ring he bought, you are engaged. There is no need now for "would you marry me." You are engaged. By accepting and wearing that ring, you already said yes.

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    Ollie08MarriedFeb2015eilis1228BaytoSA2013
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited January 2015
    ditto @blackbird230

    Sounds like your bf/fiance thinks you are already engaged! He's probably freaked out that he keeps saying "let's get married" and you shut him down/ don't say anything (I'm assuming. You haven't really said how you respond to his "baby let's go register" .)

    You definitely need to have a chat. At least ask him "bf's name, do you consider us engaged right now?" Maybe he got nervous, showed you the ring, and couldn't find the words. You accepted the ring so he didn't have to say them. Maybe he's not the flowery word type. Either way, based on what you've said, it does not seem like he is afraid of commitment or marrying you. And flowery words are sometimes over rated! I think its very sweet that he bought you matching rings and you wear them, and that he clearly wants to marry you badly enough to ask about it multiple times a week.

    do you actually want to marry him soon? if he thinks you are engaged, will you accept that and just start planning/ head to the courthouse? Your other option is to, like previous posters have said, flat out tell him you want some flowery words/ a proposal that includes the words "will you marry me?" This is not begging. This is communicating. I told my fiance what I wanted in a proposal ahead of time (I wanted the question, I didn't want it to be in public, etc. )
    Blackbird230CLoGreenEyes
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    There's nothing wrong with what he's doing, and there's nothing wrong with what you want, but like other folks have already said, it's not really fair to be angry with him when he has NO idea what you want.
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    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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    lilacck28
  • The next time he asks if you want to go to the courthouse, just mention that you want a traditional proposal.

     

    It sounds like he absolutely wants to get married, is NOT afraid of commitment, and just proposed in his own (weird?) way. Just tell him you want those 4 little words!

    image
  • He still asked the question often, few times a week. He asked again two nights ago, he just throw it out there, he be like "Baby, if you want, we can go apply for marriage liscence tomorrow."

     I just can't seem to find myself to accept this as an 'official' proposal. Seem like he just throw the ball on my court, and let me be the one to decide when I'm ready to want to get married?

    Why can't he just say the official words of 'Would you married me' .....instead of the 'If you want, we can go register for marriage tomorrow'. These 2 sentences is NOT the same.

    Do you coinsider this as he propose? Or do I have propose to him and ask his hand in marriage?

    Due  to my tradditional Chinese culture. I wasn't raise to be taught that me as a girl should go propose to a guy, or ask the guy directly if he want to get married.

    妳好! I know when my father proposed to my mom back in Taiwan he didn't get down on one knee and ask, "妳會嫁給我嗎/Will you marry me?" Instead, he asked how many children she wanted. I completely understand the cultural difference, so obviously you're in a hard place right now. I would think that in his own way he's proposing, but since you're not sure or comfortable with it, I would try to talk to him so you won't need to worry anymore. 加油!
  • MarriedFeb2015MarriedFeb2015 SoCal member
    First Comment
    edited May 2015
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