Bride Planning Her Own Bachelorette

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thespeshulestsnowflake

She cannot plan her bachelorette. What you were thinking sounds perfectly fine, IMO. You (and any other BM who wish to be involved) can tell her "this is what I/we planned." If she doesn't like it, she can refuse it which is fine, but none of you need to pay for something you can afford or don't want to pay for.

Also, if your mother paid for the shower, she gave it to you not your friend.

southernbelle0915

Well first of all, it sounds like you think it's your "MOH duty" to plan her shower and bach. It's not - contrary to wedding industry hype, it's no one's responsibility. Now if you WANT to, great! You are not obligated to host her shower. She didn't even technically host yours anyway - your mom did.

No matter what, she shouldn't be planning her own bach. Nope. You are well within your rights to say, "Here's what I had in mind... I can't afford to do what you originally planned, so this is an alternative I can afford." If she's older than 16, she should be able to understand budgets and what people can/cannot afford. If she acts like an entitled brat, withdraw your offer to throw one. 

Or offer to do what YOU did - go out while everyone is in town for the wedding. Consider others' budgets too. I've been to bachelorette's where someone just willy nilly plans shit without anyone's input and then is like "you owe me $200 for the limo, hotel, club and this one-time-use tank top everyone needs to wear." Um, no I don't and I won't be wearing that stupid tank top. You planned it and I'm not funding a party you planned w/o my input. KWIM?

redoryx

Do not just suck it up because this is not part of being a MOH and you were right to tell her she shouldn't be planning her own bach party. (And if she's already picked the town AND the date without discussing it with anyone else then no she's not just telling you what she wants. That's her planning it.)

As others have indicated, make sure you let her know what is within your budget and what is not. But also know that you aren't actually obligated to host any of these (or attend) if it's not financially feasible. Your only "job" is to show up in the dress and smile for pictures while being relatively sober.

esstee33

lgraceh said:

Hello!

I am the MOH for my BF's upcoming wedding. She was my MOH this past month, so I am stoked that I get to be there for her- that and I LOVE planning parties.

 I was asking her yesterday if she had any dates in mind for her shower as we have a common friend who is asking. At the end of that conversation, she mentioned that she is "more excited for her bachelorette weekend on the coast". Um, what? We haven't discussed her Bach at all. And I thought I was planning? I asked her to elaborate, and she has picked out a town and date. Then she said "Oh! Hot tub required".

I'm a little annoyed by all of this, as I was planning on doing something in either the city she is in, or the city I'm in (so she could get away). I was thinking swanky hotel pool in the afternoon because she loves the water, then dinner and dancing. I thought that would truly be something she would enjoy. I guess I am also thinking that this is rude for her make these requests if we are paying and planning. I would understand something along the lines of "I'm not comfortable with strippers/strip clubs, can we please keep that off the itinerary", but she has practically planned the whole thing.

On top of it, this is becoming a huge financial burden. He wedding requires a flight, then rental car for a 2 hour drive, and hotel. She would like her bridal shower in the same location as the wedding (so all those travel costs double). Now, for her to make these many requests for her Bach, I feel like she is being really inconsiderate. I tried to jokingly "scold" her by saying she can't plan her own party. But I was met with a response of "I'm just telling you what I want".  

I'm not sure where to go from here. Do I suck it up, fork over the cash, and give her EXACTLY what she wants? Or do I try and put my foot down and give her a Bachelorette that I think she will enjoy, even if it doesn't mean it's what she planned? FWIW, she gave me a beautiful shower in my mom's house that she (my mother) paid for. This is not an option for the shower I will throw her. We also went out for dinner, drinks, and dancing the night before the wedding for my bachelorette where I paid for my own share of everything. Maybe I'm overreacting because I feel that I was not demanding for my own wedding?  Any input is greatly appreciated- even if you just tell me to suck it up, that is part of being a MOH. Thanks so much!  

Nooooo way would I be spending a damn dime on this party she planned for herself! Not cool. 

It's not your responsibility to plan any parties, period. Is it a nice gesture? Sure! But not required, and with this entitled attitude she's giving you, I'd make it very clear to her that you're willing and able to throw her X kind of bachelorette and/or shower, or nothing. 

MairePoppy

You should tell her what you can afford to do and if that doesn't suit her she can get someone else to organize it. Just tell her, 'sorry, that's not in my budget.'

The bride shouldn't be so involved in planning her own shower and bp.

cincystacy

Maybe you should see it from her perspective, since you had not talked to her about planning it yet maybe she anticipated planning her own?  Also I would say that you are assuming you need to be there for every event.  Maybe she is not anticipating you needing to be there for all of them?  Possibly team up with another bridesmaid and have them host the shower?  That way you would not have to worry about the double cost.  If worse comes to worse you could always step down, tell her the financial burden is just too great to be her MOH.  She would most likely be upset but she might appreciate the honesty.  

MairePoppy

@cincystacy - the bride should never, ever plan a party in her own honor. She should wait until someone offers and then either accept or decline the offer. The only things the MOH are responsible for are 1. her travel arrangements, 2. her attire and 3. showing up on time and in a good mood for the ceremony. Anything else is extra and offered on a voluntary basis.

[Deleted User]

This is one of those situations where the bride doesn't understand that she's not entitled to a bachelorette party or a shower in the first place and therefore cannot demand how they will be (which she seems to be doing from your post).

It's difficult to deal with this situation because you WANT to throw her these parties and you want her to love them so you don't want to be confrontational and create any drama around the events, but her expectations and what you can afford simply don't line up. (Plus she's being a brat, which is always annoying.)

I think the best way to deal with it is to have a quiet and honest conversation about it. Tell her that you and other BMs want her to have special parties and that you want to host a bachelorette party but what she has in mind doesn't work with your budget (and those of other BMs if applicable). Also tell her that you simply can't host a shower because of travel costs. After that conversation, go ahead and plan what you had in mind (assuming that you've privately discussed budgets with guests and it actually works for everyone). She should be grateful and excited.

As for the shower, maybe have a conversation with her mom or someone in her city to see if they would like to host a shower (but don't put any pressure on them). You shouldn't feel pressure to attend - if you can't make it, then send a nice card (and gift if you can/want) and maybe call her the morning of to let her know you're thinking of her and/or after the shower to see how it went. If you wanted to be more involved, you could also offer the person hosting it to help from a distance. Again - you are not obligated to do this.

WhatawagSBNy

olivesoup said:

Hello!

I am the MOH for my BF's upcoming wedding. She was my MOH this past month, so I am stoked that I get to be there for her- that and I LOVE planning parties.

 I was asking her yesterday if she had any dates in mind for her shower as we have a common friend who is asking. At the end of that conversation, she mentioned that she is "more excited for her bachelorette weekend on the coast". Um, what? We haven't discussed her Bach at all. And I thought I was planning? I asked her to elaborate, and she has picked out a town and date. Then she said "Oh! Hot tub required".

I'm a little annoyed by all of this, as I was planning on doing something in either the city she is in, or the city I'm in (so she could get away). I was thinking swanky hotel pool in the afternoon because she loves the water, then dinner and dancing. I thought that would truly be something she would enjoy. I guess I am also thinking that this is rude for her make these requests if we are paying and planning. I would understand something along the lines of "I'm not comfortable with strippers/strip clubs, can we please keep that off the itinerary", but she has practically planned the whole thing.

On top of it, this is becoming a huge financial burden. He wedding requires a flight, then rental car for a 2 hour drive, and hotel. She would like her bridal shower in the same location as the wedding (so all those travel costs double). Now, for her to make these many requests for her Bach, I feel like she is being really inconsiderate. I tried to jokingly "scold" her by saying she can't plan her own party. But I was met with a response of "I'm just telling you what I want".  

I'm not sure where to go from here. Do I suck it up, fork over the cash, and give her EXACTLY what she wants? Or do I try and put my foot down and give her a Bachelorette that I think she will enjoy, even if it doesn't mean it's what she planned? FWIW, she gave me a beautiful shower in my mom's house that she (my mother) paid for. This is not an option for the shower I will throw her. We also went out for dinner, drinks, and dancing the night before the wedding for my bachelorette where I paid for my own share of everything. Maybe I'm overreacting because I feel that I was not demanding for my own wedding?  Any input is greatly appreciated- even if you just tell me to suck it up, that is part of being a MOH. Thanks so much!  

***********
If a bride wants to throw a wingding of a party for her best friends and bridal party, plan it and pay for it all, she can make all the decisions she wants. There is a tradition for that kind of party. She plans, she pays, and you folks are the guests of honor.
Basic etiquette 101

But if she is expecting to be the guest of honor, and have her friends treat her, she needs to back off on the requests.

I know as a friend you probably want to please and avoid hassles. Been there, done that.
But sometimes a bride needs a reality check.
You need to politely but clearly let her know that you are planning what you and the others want to and can afford to do. If she does not want it, fine. But explain there will not be another party planned by any of you. She is not a royal princess and you are not her subjects.

cincystacy

Sorry @mairepoppy I believe a more modern bride and groom could and probably have planned/hosted parties on their own many times, so I was just attempting to provide a different angle.  I am sure the MOH and bride will work it out on their own.  Maybe the bride had nothing but good intentions just as the MOH did.  

ShesSoCold

cincystacy said:

Sorry @mairepoppy I believe a more modern bride and groom could and probably have planned/hosted parties on their own many times, so I was just attempting to provide a different angle.  I am sure the MOH and bride will work it out on their own.  Maybe the bride had nothing but good intentions just as the MOH did.  

It's not that a bride would be incapable of throwing a party, it's that it's tacky, rude and totally against etiquette for her to throw her own bachelorette.