Uggghhh awkward drama. What would you do?

theycallmelinz

I went to graduate school and got pretty close to these two girls, we'll call them Kim and Anna. We were all good friends but through the stress of grad school and some conflicting personalities, we didn't all stay friends. I made up with Kim and Anna individually, but they hate each other still. Like blocked each other on facebook, hate each other. Well fast forward 2 years, Kim and I stayed close but Anna and I kind of drifted. Kim is a bridesmaid and Anna is invited to the wedding. Both of them know the other will be there and have agreed to be cordial. Awesome.

Recently Anna and I have started talking more and getting close again. FI even suggested asking her to be a BM now but I said no because 1) I don't want her to feel like an after-thought, because that's basically what she would be, and 2)I'm not going to deal with the tension between those two on my wedding day. Not having it. 

Well now me and MOH are planning the bach. party and MOH wants to know who all I want to invite. Kim probably can't come because she lives 12 hours away and can't afford to make the trip down for both the bach party and the wedding, which I completely understand. Would you invite Anna to the bach party? Not to take Kim's place, but just because she's fun to be around. And she won't be the only girl there who isn't part of the bridal party so she wouldn't feel excluded from things. What do you guys think?

Eta: My main concern is what if Anna comes and then at the last minute, Kim decides to come too? I feel like it would be WW3 between them

novella1186

I say invite her. It's your party. If they both show up it shouldn't be a problem (I say shouldn't, but that doesn't mean it won't). These girls are grown ass adults. If they seriously can't stay cordial for the sake of someone else's party, they need to re-evaluate themselves. 

theycallmelinz

I totally agree, but I'm afraid if I gave them a heads up as a courtesy, then Kim wouldn't even try to make it even if money wasn't an issue. I feel like she would just say she wasn't coming, which sucks. But I guess if I hated someone like they hate each other, I would probably be hurt that my friend invited that person to come with us. Am I a shitty friend for remaining friends with both of them?

southernbelle0915

If you know FOR SURE Kim isn't going to be there, then I'd invite Anna. 

I would say invite her anyway because people *should* be able to act like adults. But inevitably, they may not and I certainly wouldn't want that kind of drama at my bach.

novella1186

theycallmelinz said:

I totally agree, but I'm afraid if I gave them a heads up as a courtesy, then Kim wouldn't even try to make it even if money wasn't an issue. I feel like she would just say she wasn't coming, which sucks. But I guess if I hated someone like they hate each other, I would probably be hurt that my friend invited that person to come with us. Am I a shitty friend for remaining friends with both of them?

Don't give her a heads up till she RSVPs? Or don't give her a heads up at all? I feel like you don't owe her one, because again it's your party and she's an adult. She shouldn't need a thorough run-down of a party before hand just to be able to go cuz she can't control her attitude. 

You are not a shitty friend. I honestly think it would be shitty to not invite someone that you consider a good friend, just because some other friend of yours doesn't like that person. That's her problem, not yours. 

KatieinBkln

Invite whomever you want to be there. If that includes both Kim and Anna, then it is on them to either decline if they can't behave or show up and act like adults.

Given that Kim probably can't make it (if she's so far away, it's unlikely she'll do so "last minute"), I don't think you're really going to run into trouble.

Here are the logistics: let's say Anna RSVPs "yes" right away. Cool! You can mention it to Kim, very casually, as if in passing, that Anna will be at the party.This gives Kim the "out" she will need to graciously decline, and still be able to cite the distance as her reason.

If Anna doesn't RSVP right away, the same thing applies. You can mention in passing who all is invited--then the ball will be in Kim's court to either play it off graciously or act like a child. Ideally you don't want to wait TOO long to do this, but you should also give Anna ample time to RSVP

I am putting the onus on Kim here because she is A. the maid of honor, and presumably someone you talk to frequently, B. has been close with you for a long time so being honest with her about the guest list is a kindness, and C. she lives far away. This is the main thing--you will of course invite her, and she will know that you have done so because you love her, etc., but she has a built-in excuse to skip it, too.

All of this could absolutely work if you switch the "roles" of the friends.

Otherwise? You could just invite them both and let the chips fall. I would personally expect my feuding friends to be able to get it together for one night out (I'm assuming no one killed the other's kitten or something, here. It sounds like high school drama to me, so that's how I'm approaching this).

sarahufl

I assume you are all adults, correct?

If that is the case, I think you all need to figure out how to be around each other without this kind of drama.

KatieinBkln

theycallmelinz said:

I totally agree, but I'm afraid if I gave them a heads up as a courtesy, then Kim wouldn't even try to make it even if money wasn't an issue. I feel like she would just say she wasn't coming, which sucks. But I guess if I hated someone like they hate each other, I would probably be hurt that my friend invited that person to come with us. Am I a shitty friend for remaining friends with both of them?

Absolutely not. Please don't do this to yourself.

I have two close friends who had a falling out. I've stayed friends with both of them, and frankly I doubt either one of them could even articulate why they "broke up" in the first place. Something to do with douchebaggery and bad communication on both sides when they were roommates.

Regardless, that shit is not my problem. I don't pick sides, and I've told them as much. I don't invite both of them to things with like, 2 people on the guest list, but I certainly don't intend to hand-hold at larger events. They've been perfectly fine. Honestly, if one of them were to start drama, it would only make them look like an asshole who can't be out in public, which I am sure they realize. It wouldn't have any reflection on me.

theycallmelinz

It totally is high school drama. I can't even remember exactly what they're mad at each other about, other than just seriously conflicting personalities. 

As far as one night, we're actually going to the beach for the weekend, so they'd be stuck doing activities together for about 48 hours =/ 

Kim isn't the MOH, so I'm also asking my MOH's opinion of this since she doesn't know either of them and can be unbiased. I just love all these bitches and want them to have FUN!

And I mean 'bitches' in a loving sense. The way I love you bitches. 

KatieinBkln

theycallmelinz said:

It totally is high school drama. I can't even remember exactly what they're mad at each other about, other than just seriously conflicting personalities. 

As far as one night, we're actually going to the beach for the weekend, so they'd be stuck doing activities together for about 48 hours =/ 

Kim isn't the MOH, so I'm also asking my MOH's opinion of this since she doesn't know either of them and can be unbiased. I just love all these bitches and want them to have FUN!

And I mean 'bitches' in a loving sense. The way I love you bitches. 

Yeah, a whole weekend is a long time. On the other hand, it probably means there is a house/hotel and various places to "hide out" and do one's own thing, should one feel the need to extricate oneself from one's ULTIMATE NEMESIS, muahahahaha!

If you feel like inviting Anna would automatically mean Kim is out, and you can't live with that? Then I think you have an answer. Is it shitty to punish Anna because Kim might be immature? Sure. But if you find yourself feeling like having Anna present at the expense of Kim being present is something you don't like, then that's cool. You're allowed to like one friend more than another and make concessions for said friend, if you want. 

lurkergirl

If Kim can't come, I'll take her place.  I need a beach trip.  Meet you in Dothan and caravan to the beach?

theycallmelinz

lurkergirl said:

If Kim can't come, I'll take her place.  I need a beach trip.  Meet you in Dothan and caravan to the beach?

YOU GOT IT!

lovegood90

I think it's totally fine to invite her, and maybe just give both girls a heads up that you invited the other? That way they will be prepared and can decide for themselves if they want to go and there's no drama.

theycallmelinz

I've sent Kim a text (can't call because we're both at work) letting her know I was considering inviting Anna. No response yet even though we had been texting back and forth already. Dun Dun Dun.

Maybe she's asking people on a forum about how to eloquently respond lol

jacques27

1.  Do not deny invitations to people based on your own assumptions.  You will be surprised how wrong they can be.  Do you like both of these people?  Do you want to party with them?  Then invite them.  They can each individually decide if it's worth the risk of running into the other person and decline the invitation if they are that concerned about it.  I have a tendency to do the same thing - assume that people will be at their absolute worst and make decisions based on that, only to discover it was unfounded.

2.  I don't have groups of friends - I have lots of individual friends, some of whom know each other to some extent and some who do not like each other bordering on hate.  They don't actively fight with each other, they just stay out of each others way.  They were both invited to a party for me.  They both were cordial to each other because they both understand that I am friends with the other and out of love and respect for me, they can set aside their differences for a few hours every now and again.  That's what friends do.  Assume they are capable of this and if it turns out they aren't at the end of the night, then I personally would question why I'm even friends with someone not capable of basic social graces and respect.

theycallmelinz

You're right @jacques27. They're both invited and Kim, the one I assumed absolutely wouldn't come if Anna were there (and she still may not come) said that it was my weekend and she would do what she could to be there, but she appreciated me thinking of her and letting her know. And Anna is going to try to come too, so maybe it'll all work out and everyone can play nice for one weekend