Rude Invitation Insert Wording?

emmiejayne

I know you're not supposed to put requirements for dress on an insert, nor mention registries, but how does this sound? Is it bad? Just to give you a heads up, it'll be fairly casual.

Dressing up

While we encourage all manner of dressing up, please note that the reception venue is surrounded by grass (and there will be a bouncy castle) therefore high heels are not recommended, lest ye sink!  As a couple, we will be dressing spiffily but comfortably, and will be encouraging you to dance the night away with us.

Gifts

We've been living together for several years now, and have toasters, cutlery and towels galore! Your attendance at our wedding is all we ask, and all we need for it to be a fabulous day.  However, if you are feeling particularly generous, we would much prefer a donation into our charity wishing well, the total proceeds of which will be split between Diabetes UK and Mind, the mental health charity.  Please do not feel obliged, however, as our day will be entirely complete with your presence.

Is this a rude way to mention it all? We're having a very family friendly, casual day.  As for the gifts thing, we're doing pin badges as favours for Cancer Research UK with a donation in our guests names.  

holyguacamole79

emmiejayne said:

I know you're not supposed to put requirements for dress on an insert, nor mention registries, but how does this sound? Is it bad? Just to give you a heads up, it'll be fairly casual.

Dressing up

While we encourage all manner of dressing up, please note that the reception venue is surrounded by grass (and there will be a bouncy castle) therefore high heels are not recommended, lest ye sink!  As a couple, we will be dressing spiffily but comfortably, and will be encouraging you to dance the night away with us.

Gifts

We've been living together for several years now, and have toasters, cutlery and towels galore! Your attendance at our wedding is all we ask, and all we need for it to be a fabulous day.  However, if you are feeling particularly generous, we would much prefer a donation into our charity wishing well, the total proceeds of which will be split between Diabetes UK and Mind, the mental health charity.  Please do not feel obliged, however, as our day will be entirely complete with your presence.

Is this a rude way to mention it all? We're having a very family friendly, casual day.  As for the gifts thing, we're doing pin badges as favours for Cancer Research UK with a donation in our guests names.  

Nope. Nope. Nope.

lovegood90

If you want to donate to charity, then you should make a donation yourselves. You shouldn't put anything about gifts on the invite. Just don't register and if people ask just say you have everything you need.

ETA: There's a thread from here a while ago that goes over all the reasons why making a donation in guests' names as favours is a bad idea: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1045729/charity-donation-in-lieu-of-favors#latest

 

fieryredsam

I feel like all of this is better put on a website- if at all! But the mention of gifts in the invites is a definite no no

AddieCake

None of that belongs in with the invitation.

ohannabelle

Nope. It's nice to want to be helpful, but no.

Grown ups make their own decisions about what to wear, and know how to dress appropriately. 

No mention of gifts, yea or nay, should be made, unless somebody asks you. Then you can politely say that you really have everything you need, and you really would rather not get presents, thank you.

Charity donations are for charity fundraisers. Even if your heart is in the right place, there just isn't a graceful way, at your own party, to announce that you're a noble and generous couple, and just look at the nice thing we've done. It comes across as self admiration. Or showing off. 

The first two things might be mentioned on your website- maybe a picture of the venue, and (yay!) bouncy castle. Also, the best way to get word out is tell the most chatty person you know. 

Kahlyla

Here's the thing, if I received an invitation with this wording, I would likely read it very charitably. I wouldn't really think you rude (with this PARTICULAR wording) or be hating on you for it. But I would still find it obnoxious. It smacks of overthinking things. It's just not necessary.

Good rule of thumb: if you have lots of "however"s and "please note"s and such, it's probably because you're trying too hard to put into writing something that really needn't be.

Jen4948

Mentioning the grass and bouncy castle are fine, but I would lose the "high heels are not recommended" line. It is not appropriate to tell adults what to wear or not wear.

Nor is it appropriate to mention gifts at all in your wedding invitations. That includes "no gifts" and donation requests. You are free to donate any of your own funds or unwanted gifts to charity after you receive them. But it is inappropriate to use a personal event of your own as a fundraiser or awareness raiser for a cause, regardless of what that cause is or how much it means to you.

Also, don't donate "in your guests' names" in lieu of favors. If you don't want to give your guests favors, you don't have to; there's no requirement that you do so. But it is presumptuous and out of line for you to donate in anyone's name but your own, let alone to a cause they don't get to choose. They might not support the same cause as you, and it comes off as self-congratulatory and not altruistic to announce to your guests that you are donating funds rather than spending them on things for guests that they weren't expecting and didn't ask for. Just keep all mentions of donations to yourself.

Viczaesar

Absolutely none of that should be in your invitation.

sunshineontherun

Jen4948 said:

 Also, don't donate "in your guests' names" in lieu of favors. If you don't want to give your guests favors, you don't have to; there's no requirement that you do so. But it is presumptuous and out of line for you to donate in anyone's name but your own, let alone to a cause they don't get to choose. They might not support the same cause as you, and it comes off as self-congratulatory and not altruistic to announce to your guests that you are donating funds rather than spending them on things for guests that they weren't expecting and didn't ask for. Just keep all mentions of donations to yourself.

I just had this discussion while talking about a family member's wedding.  The bride works for a lobby group that a lot of people assume is a charity.  They do community work, but still a lobby group. About half the guests don't exactly support the lobby group. And there on our menu was the fact that in lieu of favors a donation had been made to the group in our names. 

For this in particular it came off as self congratulatory and self serving (congrats! you made a donation to your employer!) More so, there were some guests that were upset that in a way they were now associated with this group they didn't support it would have been WAY better if they didn't know that gift had been made.

For anyone thinking of giving instead of gifts, make sure to do your research. There's many groups where donations don't actually go to research or services but advertising and CEO salaries. It's your money! Make sure it's doing what YOU want it to do. 

Your charities sound great, OP and giving is a wonderful thing! But your guests will love you all the same if you don't tell them you gave. 

yogablossom

Most likely when your guests see where you are having your wedding, they will figure that they don't need to be wearing ball gowns and tuxedos. Most adults know who to dress themselves appropriately for a variety of events, be it a formal vs informal wedding, a business lunch, a night out with friends etc.  No need to inform them of this on the invites. 

It is however, okay to mention something on the website if you are concerned about the weather, or if you have people from out of town coming.  My best friend did a mention for out of town guests on what the weather was like and how cool it gets at night so guests may want to bring a jacket, etc.  But even that isn't totally necessary, as these are grown adults and can make their own decisions on how to dress.

As for  the registry, just don't register if you don't need anything. If people want to give you a gift or money, they will. Do with it as you like. But please do not add this to your invitations. Good luck!

STARMOON44

You know you shouldn't put attire info in an invitation and yet you plan on doing it anyway? No. None of this.

Also I have no clue what dressing spiffily even means. Do I wear a cocktail dress and glitter flats? A sundress and flip flops? Jeans an a sequined t? Just tell me when and where and I will figure it out.

SP29

As for the attire section, a) this should be on a wedding website preferably, not an invite (though I do see you said insert).

I think it is considerate to tell guests the venue is outdoors on grass and there will be a bouncy castle, but do NOT tell guests what to wear. Simply stating "Our ceremony will be held outdoors on grass and during the reception we will have a bouncy castle" is well enough. Guests will dress themselves to match the event. If there is a bouncy castle I will know not to show up in a floor length ball gown. If there is grass, I will likely wear different shoes BUT- some guests may choose to wear heels with heel caps or wear heels anyway, because they like them- that's not for you to decide.

As for your gift paragraph- none of it. I will re-iterate everything Jen4948 said. If you don't want gifts, don't have a registry. If anyone asks, tell them you don't need anything. People may still give you gifts or money, if you get money it is your decision to donate that if you choose. Any mention of gifts implies you are expecting something. It is also considered rude to tell someone what to do with their money and many people may not support the same charity that you do, thus be offended by your choice. Just leave it out and NO wishing well at the reception. 

CMGragain

All of it is horribly, disgustingly rude.  Don't do it!

indianaalum

To show your wedding will be casual, make sure your actual invitation is a casual choice. It gives the tone of the wedding. No fancy schmancy invitation will also set the tone for sure

banana468

I don't mind the attire info on the website.   I wouldn't use that wording but I would mention that it's very casual.

IMO, "spiffy" and "flats for ladies" don't match.   If I'm wearing flats I'm already going more casual.   If DH is in a suit and tie, I'm probably not going to be in flats.   But it does help to know that I don't want to ruin heels either.   As a couple, you need to own the casual atmosphere and not try to get guests to dress in attire that isn't functional for the locale.  

Just no to the donation part. 

MGP

Kahlyla said:

Here's the thing, if I received an invitation with this wording, I would likely read it very charitably. I wouldn't really think you rude (with this PARTICULAR wording) or be hating on you for it. But I would still find it obnoxious. It smacks of overthinking things. It's just not necessary.

Good rule of thumb: if you have lots of "however"s and "please note"s and such, it's probably because you're trying too hard to put into writing something that really needn't be.

Great advice.  It also comes off as a little patronizing and micromanaging.  I think most guests will know how to dress for a causal wedding and not wear heels in the bouncy castle (which sounds like lots of fun).  

The charity thing though?  Nope to the umpteenth degree.

JCbride2015

Absolutely no to the entire donation thing.  If you really support this charity, quietly make a donation yourselves.  If you don't register, most people will give you cash or a check, and you can do with that money whatever you want, including donating it.  The charity wishing well is a way of asking your guests to open their wallets at the reception, which is a giant no no.  And just the presence of the wishing well there will make your guests feel pressured.  

Extra giant no to the favors.  That's incredibly offensive.  Just don't do favors at all and make a quiet donation with the money you would have spent.  Once you begin advertising your donation to your guests, it starts coming off as trying to make yourselves look better, rather than just about the charity.

As to the attire stuff-- yes, some of that is actually helpful, such as knowing that the event will be on grass.  But wow, that is way too many words and you are trying way too hard.  Can you just include on your website, "The reception area is surrounded by a large lawn, and will include a bouncy castle!"  That's all I would need to know in order to wear flats to your wedding.  If you don't have a website, that wording would be okay on an insert (although just a casual invitation would probably do the trick).

It just blows my mind that you acknowledge these things are rude, and yet you still want to do them.  Listen to that gut reaction.  This whole charity fiasco will offend somebody even if you don't find out.

kat1114

OP, we had our wedding reception outdoors in the grassy area of a B&B. On the reception section of our website, I wrote, "After the ceremony, please join us on the lovely back lawn at Venue for dinner, drinks, and dancing!" This way, people got the info that it was outdoors and on grass, but I didn't have to bother with an extra insert for the invites. I also used word of mouth. We didn't have any guests complain, and most women seemed to avoid heels, so it worked out.

Nothing to add regarding the charity situation because I think PPs covered it all.

speakeasy14

My sister had an outdoor wedding; whenever we spoke to family, we just told them it was outdoors in a field so no need for heels or suits.  Everyone understood what we meant, but there were still a few girls who showed up in heels. There's no need for an insert with the invitation.  Besides, you can't wear any shoes in a bouncy house so it really doesn't matter what people have on their feet. 

Also, as everyone else has said, no to the donation.  The reasons why have already been covered. 

emmiejayne

Thank you! I just like people being on the same page, and this seemed like the easiest way to do it.

Understood about the donation - it's really not meant as a "look, aren't we awesome!" more a "this is the reason we've not done XYZ". But I completely get it.

Decided just to do a plain ol' invitation.   No RSVP cards - I'd muuuuch rather get a phone call than a piece of paper!

Thanks again!