Pre-wedding Parties

MOB hosting shower

I was telling some coworkers about how my friend's mother (the MOB) is hosting a shower for her. They all gasped and told me how rude and "gift-grabby" this seems. I thought that thinking had gone by the wayside in recent years. Is is still considered poor etiquette to have the MOB host a shower?

Re: MOB hosting shower

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    Strictly speaking, yes, traditional etiquette does hold that you don't throw showers or otherwise solicit gifts for close family members, but many people don't observe this rule and throw or are okay with such parties.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
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    Yes, but it doesn't bother me if this happens.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Hi

    I looked this up online...since my mom wants to help my MOH pay for the party (only because she doesn't want anyone to have to spend a lot money). The new Emily Post rules say that the MOB can host the shower.


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  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
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    I think that when the bride still lived at home, this rule made a little more sense.  Now that so many brides have moved out and away from their parents, many social circles have started to allow a little latitude with this tradition.

    My sisters-in-law officially hosted the shower for my daughter, but I paid for the majority of the purchases because I did not want them to incur the costs.  I was the "silent partner" so to speak.  It was, however, held at my home, because it made the most sense.  Every guest invited had been to my home many times before, and my home was "centrally located".  It made no sense to have one of my SIL's host it at their home and force guests to drive further to an unknown location.


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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
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    In my circle the MOB and/or the MOG typically pay for the shower. Some act as hosts; others are silent partners as MobKaz described.

                
  • esstee33esstee33 Pittsburgh
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    In my circle, this wouldn't be looked down upon at all; it's more common than not. 
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  • I hosted my daughter's shower. I could not imagine putting that expense on her bridal party.
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
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    This isn't something that bothers me at all. I think it's become pretty common. 

  • MobKaz said:
    I think that when the bride still lived at home, this rule made a little more sense.  Now that so many brides have moved out and away from their parents, many social circles have started to allow a little latitude with this tradition.

    My sisters-in-law officially hosted the shower for my daughter, but I paid for the majority of the purchases because I did not want them to incur the costs.  I was the "silent partner" so to speak.  It was, however, held at my home, because it made the most sense.  Every guest invited had been to my home many times before, and my home was "centrally located".  It made no sense to have one of my SIL's host it at their home and force guests to drive further to an unknown location.
    This exactly. 

    I have no problem with moms hosting bridal showers. I think this etiquette rule is changing as women become more independent and get married later - versus living at home and getting married young.
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  • MGPMGP
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    MobKaz said:
    I think that when the bride still lived at home, this rule made a little more sense.  Now that so many brides have moved out and away from their parents, many social circles have started to allow a little latitude with this tradition.

    My sisters-in-law officially hosted the shower for my daughter, but I paid for the majority of the purchases because I did not want them to incur the costs.  I was the "silent partner" so to speak.  It was, however, held at my home, because it made the most sense.  Every guest invited had been to my home many times before, and my home was "centrally located".  It made no sense to have one of my SIL's host it at their home and force guests to drive further to an unknown location.
    This exactly. 

    I have no problem with moms hosting bridal showers. I think this etiquette rule is changing as women become more independent and get married later - versus living at home and getting married young.
    It is certainly not the worst thing in the world - but still a little too close for comfort for me personally.  It has never, ever happened in my circle.  I would have not let my mother host a shower for me (bridal or baby) and have a daughter myself and would feel a little odd hosting a shower for her.  

    It's not always the case, but when I hear of mothers hosting showers I always think "was there no one else who offered?"  Hope I don't open a can of worms with that statement, just my own experience.

    Of course it's a million times better than self hosting.  :)
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz
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    MGP said:
    MobKaz said:
    I think that when the bride still lived at home, this rule made a little more sense.  Now that so many brides have moved out and away from their parents, many social circles have started to allow a little latitude with this tradition.

    My sisters-in-law officially hosted the shower for my daughter, but I paid for the majority of the purchases because I did not want them to incur the costs.  I was the "silent partner" so to speak.  It was, however, held at my home, because it made the most sense.  Every guest invited had been to my home many times before, and my home was "centrally located".  It made no sense to have one of my SIL's host it at their home and force guests to drive further to an unknown location.
    This exactly. 

    I have no problem with moms hosting bridal showers. I think this etiquette rule is changing as women become more independent and get married later - versus living at home and getting married young.
    It is certainly not the worst thing in the world - but still a little too close for comfort for me personally.  It has never, ever happened in my circle.  I would have not let my mother host a shower for me (bridal or baby) and have a daughter myself and would feel a little odd hosting a shower for her.  

    It's not always the case, but when I hear of mothers hosting showers I always think "was there no one else who offered?"  Hope I don't open a can of worms with that statement, just my own experience.

    Of course it's a million times better than self hosting.  :)
    My sister/MOH wants to host a shower, but her financial limits mean that she is able to afford a few people at our home (we live together) with homecooked food.  That's perfectly fine with me, but I think my FMIL is going to step in and help because FMIL wants a lot of her family and friends invited.  I don't think this is usually an issue of the friends not wanting or offering to host, just that parents of the bride or groom usually have more financial resources than young women in their early 20s.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    MGP
  • MGP said:
    MobKaz said:
    I think that when the bride still lived at home, this rule made a little more sense.  Now that so many brides have moved out and away from their parents, many social circles have started to allow a little latitude with this tradition.

    My sisters-in-law officially hosted the shower for my daughter, but I paid for the majority of the purchases because I did not want them to incur the costs.  I was the "silent partner" so to speak.  It was, however, held at my home, because it made the most sense.  Every guest invited had been to my home many times before, and my home was "centrally located".  It made no sense to have one of my SIL's host it at their home and force guests to drive further to an unknown location.
    This exactly. 

    I have no problem with moms hosting bridal showers. I think this etiquette rule is changing as women become more independent and get married later - versus living at home and getting married young.
    It is certainly not the worst thing in the world - but still a little too close for comfort for me personally.  It has never, ever happened in my circle.  I would have not let my mother host a shower for me (bridal or baby) and have a daughter myself and would feel a little odd hosting a shower for her.  

    It's not always the case, but when I hear of mothers hosting showers I always think "was there no one else who offered?"  Hope I don't open a can of worms with that statement, just my own experience.

    Of course it's a million times better than self hosting.  :)
    My sister/MOH wants to host a shower, but her financial limits mean that she is able to afford a few people at our home (we live together) with homecooked food.  That's perfectly fine with me, but I think my FMIL is going to step in and help because FMIL wants a lot of her family and friends invited.  I don't think this is usually an issue of the friends not wanting or offering to host, just that parents of the bride or groom usually have more financial resources than young women in their early 20s.
    I second that. I feel like most moms just want to step in and help because they know it's probably somewhat of a financial burden for someone in their early or mid 20's to host a nice shower.  My MOH is planning & hosting my shower, but my mom offered to let her do it at her home and to pay for the food - acting as a "silent partner" of sorts. In most cases when a MOB hosts it's probably not "gift-grabby", it's just them wanting to be helpful and not make BM's pay for things that they might be struggling to afford. 
    --

  • There are far worse things to clutch your pearls over. My mom hosted my shower. It's common in my area for this to happen.


  • This used to be considered an etiquette no-no but it is becoming much more common and acceptable now. I personally see nothing wrong with it at all.


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  • edited January 2015
    I think this has a lot to do with your particular social circle.   I had no idea that a MOB/MOG hosting a shower was in poor etiquette until I started reading these boards.   Growing up, bridal and baby shower within my social circle were ALWAYS hosted by the MOG/MOB/sister of the bride.   In all those years, I never heard one person ever mutter the word "rude" at the thought.     

    In fact, I grew up with the exact opposite idea.  People in my social circles saw showers as events that required money and took time to plan.  It was seen as the MOB responsibility to host for her daughter and not burden anyone else with the cost.  
  • I think this is a social circle thing and it could have to do with the ages of those involved.

    If you're a Duggar and you live at home until you're getting married I can see the issue since you're adhereing to old school customs.

    But more and more women are leaving the nest, establishing their careers and THEN they're getting married.     

    When I was married, MIL had it at her house and was happy to chip in financially.   When I had my first, MIL and my mom hosted the baby shower.   They invited something like 50 women (big families) and it made WAY  more sense to do it that way.
    hellohkbMairePoppy
  • I think this has a lot to do with your particular social circle.   I had no idea that a MOB/MOG hosting a shower was in poor etiquette until I started reading these boards.   Growing up, bridal and baby shower within my social circle were ALWAYS hosted by the MOG/MOB/sister of the bride.   In all those years, I never heard one person ever mutter the word "rude" at the thought.     

    In fact, I grew up with the exact opposite idea.  People in my social circles saw showers as events that required money and took time to plan.  It was seen as the MOB responsibility to host for her daughter and not burden anyone else with the cost.  
    ALL OF THIS!

    I am getting married for the first time at 35 and have been to at least 30 showers (different circles) since I was a teen/old enough. I have NEVER been to a shower not hosted by the MOB. Same goes for baby showers. Showers here can get pretty elaborate and the wedding party is never expected to chip in. Planning the shower is part of planning your wedding.  I have just recently (since I got engaged and got on here) learned that it's not the norm elsewhere. 
  • In many areas it was customary for Mothers, usually of the bride, to have a great deal to do with wedding planning, particularly where parents were the hosts.

    I think that lots of times Moms feel somewhat displaced, when kids say, we are planning the wedding, and look at it as their reasonable contribution to the weddings.

    In most older etiquette books, showers are the most likely to be planned by the aunts, godmothers, grandmothers, and cousins of the bride, or by friends some of whom may be in the bridal party, or by the MOG, often to introduce her to the groom's relatives. Or any combination of the above.
    There is always mention made of small groups of long time friends and neighbors, church or club friends who may have separate showers it they are not close enough to come to the wedding but wish as a group to celebrate the upcoming marriage as a life milestone for the bride.

    A number of years back I was horrified a school friend's mother was throwing a shower.

    But on second thought, when she pointed out that I have 15 aunts, a god mother, a huge number of first cousins, lived mostly in one place growing up and my parents are there still...

    ...and she is the third generation of only child of only children with no aunts or first,second or third cousins on either side, whose father's company moved executives about every four years in their first 20, then gave them another move to a new place for the last promotion to bosses, so parents do not live where she grew up, ...

    I saw the light. Mom is the center of the hub. She knows the one or two best friends from each place, the club and jobs friends , all the people her daughter had over for sleepovers or brought home for the weekend from college and two grad schools.

    Mom invited twenty of the people living within 100 miles and all came. None would have known more than two others. She had a BP of one MOH, a busy medical intern.
    I felt terrible that I had not been very sensitive about it. In more recent years I have come across this a lot. And when I know people in similar situations am a lot more likely to offer a shower to someone I have not known really well or for long.
  • My mom has done what I call the Bones of the day. She reserved the restaurant (after having a long discussion with my bridesmaids about various different places, and doing the research on pricing, max capacity etc), selected the menu and invitations with the woman I would call an Aunt (she's our neighbor who never had daughters, and has always treated me as a surrogate daughter) who asked my mom if it would be ok if she contributed financially to my shower and helped plan, and included my FMIL in the favor selection (once again, after conferring with my bmaids).

    One bmaid lives in Nashville (my FSIL), and the other 2 are what I would consider my childhood best friend, and adult best friend. They know each other but aren't close, have completely different work schedules, and my mom has the time to be able to do a lot of the legwork. Each bmaid also has multiple weddings this year, and My mother and I didn't want them to incur a lot of costs and make life stressful for them, when we had other people more than willing to contribute. My bmaids will be running the actual day - games, gifts, etc - my mom has just gotten the general structure of the day in place.

    I feel like this is totally reasonable, especially for where my age group is in life. She has done an excellent job of including my bridesmaids every step of the way, and has taken a lot of enjoyment in being able to help plan a part of my wedding.

  • It is absolutely acceptable for a MOB or MOG to host a bridal shower!  How many of your bridal party can afford to host a party, buy a dress, host a bachelorette party AND give gifts for both the shower and the wedding.  My mother is hosting my shower with a ton of help from my sister and bridesmaids.  My mother is backing the entire event financially and I am grateful for that.  I likely would not have even had a shower if it was not for her to offer.  My bridesmaids are saddled with student loan debt and many are earning entry-level salaries even 4 years out of college, live at home still so they would not even be able to have it at someone's home.  My mother also hosted my sister's shower last year and no one seemed bothered by it. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
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    It's still pretty rare in my area for MOB/MOG to host a shower. At least, it's rare for them to make it public. (Silently contributing is not unheard of.)

    This is one that I really wish would go by the wayside. I understand why it was traditionally inappropriate for the bride's family to host a shower, but I don't know a single person that was dependent on her parents or even still lived at home when she got married. It just doesn't make sense anymore. 

    Still, no one want to be the first to buck the tradition, so people keep doing this silent host thing instead. 
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