Does my bridal party deserve gifts?

Sararoman

I'm getting married in exactly 3 months. My bridesmaids have been non-existent. I have done absolutely all the planning on my own. Only 2 of them have even bought their dress yet ($80 dress. Not requiring them to buy new shoes). I don't even think they are throwing me a bridal shower or bacherlorette party. I am paying for their hair and makeup and (if they even show up for it) the hotel room for all of us the night before. The wedding is not more than 30 minutes away from any of them, so they really don't have travel costs. My question is - do I really need to buy them presents? They haven't done anything to warrant a gift nor have they completed any "bridal party" duties. I'm already paying for everything myself. I am bitter if you can't tell.

AddieCake

Sararoman said:

I'm getting married in exactly 3 months. My bridesmaids have been non-existent. I have done absolutely all the planning on my own. Only 2 of them have even bought their dress yet ($80 dress. Not requiring them to buy new shoes). I don't even think they are throwing me a bridal shower or bacherlorette party. I am paying for their hair and makeup and (if they even show up for it) the hotel room for all of us the night before. The wedding is not more than 30 minutes away from any of them, so they really don't have travel costs. My question is - do I really need to buy them presents? They haven't done anything to warrant a gift nor have they completed any "bridal party" duties. I'm already paying for everything myself. I am bitter if you can't tell.

The only duties are to buy a dress and show up on time and sober. So yes, you need to get them at least a little something as a way to say thank you.

runsonveggies

3 months is still enough time for the other ladies to get their dresses. As AddieCake said, as long as they buy the dress and show up on time and sober then they've completed their "duties". I don't think you should be bitter. I get that you'd prefer your bridal party to be just as excited about your wedding as you are and to throw you a bunch of pre-wedding parties but those things are not required of them and they are not their duties. As far as doing all the planning on your own, I'd bring that up with your fiance. He's the only one who's duty it is to help you plan your guys' wedding. It's nice that your paying for their hair and makeup and the bridal suite but that's more a gift to yourself than to them because you want them to have professionally done hair and makeup and you want them all at the hotel room with you the night before the wedding. With that being said I think you should at least get them something to thank them for buying the dress and standing next to you when you get married.

Sararoman

I suppose. That mentality makes 95% of this website obsolete though. The bridal party IS supposed to do certain things for the wedding. That's what separates them from the normal guests. Should I buy a gift for everyone who shows up to the wedding on time and sober?

tcnoble

Sararoman said:

I suppose. That mentality makes 95% of this website obsolete though. The bridal party IS supposed to do certain things for the wedding. That's what separates them from the normal guests. Should I buy a gift for everyone who shows up to the wedding on time and sober?

What are they "supposed" to do??? I have 6 bridesmaids. They haven't planned anything. They got their dresses, let me bounce ideas off them, and share the excitement with me. This isn't their wedding to plan, and you aren't owed any parties or showers. You ask them to stand up with you because they are your dearest friends and you want them by your side. You get them a gift to show how much you appreciate them and their support. Not as a thank you for fulfilling made up duties.

runsonveggies

Sararoman said:

I suppose. That mentality makes 95% of this website obsolete though. The bridal party IS supposed to do certain things for the wedding. That's what separates them from the normal guests. Should I buy a gift for everyone who shows up to the wedding on time and sober?

What separates them from normal guests is that they're standing next to you when you get married. There are certainly many extra things which your bridal party can CHOOSE to do such as throwing you parties, doing DIY projects, helping you plan, going to fittings, etc. but they are under no obligation to spend so much time and effort on your wedding. It's your wedding, not theirs. And yes you should get a gift for everyone who shows up to your wedding, it's called your reception and favors.

AddieCake

Sararoman said:

I suppose. That mentality makes 95% of this website obsolete though. The bridal party IS supposed to do certain things for the wedding. That's what separates them from the normal guests. Should I buy a gift for everyone who shows up to the wedding on time and sober?

What separates them from the other guests is that they stand with you and are recognized as your nearest and dearest, not for planning your wedding or throwing you parties.

freebread03

Seems like you probably shouldn't have bridesmaids since you obviously don't consider them very close friends by the way you're talking about them.  It would probably be a relief for them-you have such a nasty attitude that I can't imagine you're very pleasant to be around.

Cookie Pusher

Well, shoot, my all my BMs did was come to the rehearsal/dinner, show up to the wedding sober and in the dresses I purchased for them, and then took some pictures with me. No parties/showers, no help with planning or DIY projects... should I take their gifts back? I mean, they're my sisters and I love them, but THEY DIDN'T DO THEIR JOBS!!

(Notice I used my sarcastic font. OP, no one has to do any planning for your wedding but you and your FI and no one is entitled to any pre-wedding parties if no one offers to throw any for you.)

ohannabelle

Sararoman said:

I suppose. That mentality makes 95% of this website obsolete though. The bridal party IS supposed to do certain things for the wedding. That's what separates them from the normal guests. Should I buy a gift for everyone who shows up to the wedding on time and sober?

No, the bridal party isn't "supposed to do" things for the wedding. Paid vendors and contracted employees are supposed to do things. The hosts of an event do things. Not their guests. 

The bridal party are guests of honor, that you designated as the people who mean the most to you. That's what separates then from the other guests. Not the expectation of what you imagined they should do for you. 

And yes, you actually do give something to everyone who shows up. It's called a reception. That's your thank you to your guests, and how you demonstrate your gratitude to them for taking time from their lives to share in your happiness. 

Gifts are given, not earned. Employees earn things, for work and fulfilling duties. Gifts are an outward demonstration of inner feelings, like love and respect and friendship. 

How does a gracious and loving attitude to your guests of honor make this website obsolete? That makes zero sense to me. 

mikenberger

With friends like you, who needs enemies? Bridesmaids have zero jobs beyond getting a dress and showing up on time. There is no obligation to help you do anything or throw you any parties. You are way off base and need to reel yourself back in.

[Deleted User]

Are you for real?

jenijoyk

I am so confused by this and every other post on here that sounds like this. 

My entire goal for my wedding was to have my guests have THE BEST TIME EVER. My best friends (i.e. my three bridesmaids) are obviously my most VIP-EST guests of all, so I wanted them to have DOUBLE THE BEST TIME EVER at my wedding. Every single decision I made was basically "Is this going to be fun for my favorite people in the world?" Thus, I had them pick out their own sparkly gowns (because they, like me, all love sparkles) and rent them so they were cheap, I hired someone to do all the ceremony reception set up and tear down for me, so they could spend the day of my wedding, with me, drinking mimosas and eating donuts and pizza, I had the hotel desk greet them with a bag of cookies, candy, beer, and champagne.... I also gave them a small gift before the wedding, not to pay them back for doing crap for me, but because I LOVE THEM. I love them all to pieces, and wanted to give them a gift because I like giving gifts. And I put a lot of thought into giving them each something I thought they would really love. 

Your bridesmaids are still your guests - your VIP guests. You are still a host. You want them there because you love them. So your every goal in dealing with your bridesmaids should be making sure they are happy and having fun and know how much you love them. (Because that's why you asked them in the first place, right????)

jenijoyk

Sararoman said:

I suppose. That mentality makes 95% of this website obsolete though. The bridal party IS supposed to do certain things for the wedding. That's what separates them from the normal guests. Should I buy a gift for everyone who shows up to the wedding on time and sober?

No. What separates them from the "normal" guests is that you supposedly love them the most! 

MobKaz

Sararoman said:

I'm getting married in exactly 3 months. My bridesmaids have been non-existent. I have done absolutely all the planning on my own. Only 2 of them have even bought their dress yet ($80 dress. Not requiring them to buy new shoes). I don't even think they are throwing me a bridal shower or bacherlorette party. I am paying for their hair and makeup and (if they even show up for it) the hotel room for all of us the night before. The wedding is not more than 30 minutes away from any of them, so they really don't have travel costs. My question is - do I really need to buy them presents? They haven't done anything to warrant a gift nor have they completed any "bridal party" duties. I'm already paying for everything myself. I am bitter if you can't tell.

But yes, at the very least they deserve something for putting up with an attitude that clearly screams,

JCbride2015

You sound self-absorbed and entitled, 100%.  Most of TK is wedding industry nonsense.  There's a whole profiteering industry around convincing brides and bridesmaids of their "duties" so they will spend more money on matching tee shirts and robes and tiaras and this and that.  

Your BMs are different from the other guests because you are honoring them.  If you don't want to think about the gift as a thank you for things like throwing parties, think of it as a thank you for their friendship and love.

jrich29

First, People can't read your mind. If you want them to plan you a party then maybe you should ask them too. I know people on here will probably tell me its rude to ask this of someone but a lot of times people just don't know because they didn't know you wanted that.

Secondly, You should still give them a gift even if you are mad about this because you really don't want to destroy friendships for something so small. 

MobKaz

jrich29 said:

First, People can't read your mind. If you want them to plan you a party then maybe you should ask them too. I know people on here will probably tell me its rude to ask this of someone but a lot of times people just don't know because they didn't know you wanted that.

Secondly, You should still give them a gift even if you are mad about this because you really don't want to destroy friendships for something so small. 

This is the one thing you are correct about.  It IS absolutely rude and presumptuous to ask someone to throw a party on your behalf.

Viczaesar

jrich29 said:

First, People can't read your mind. If you want them to plan you a party then maybe you should ask them too. I know people on here will probably tell me its rude to ask this of someone but a lot of times people just don't know because they didn't know you wanted that.

Secondly, You should still give them a gift even if you are mad about this because you really don't want to destroy friendships for something so small. 

JFC.  No.  You do not ask people to throw parties for you.  Unless they're 5 they know that they can throw a party for you if they want to, can afford to, and have the time and energy to. 

southernbelle0915

The reason bridal party gifts are a thing is because you're thanking your guests of honor for standing up next to you. Since they're planning on doing that, yes you should get them thank you gifts. And stuff that's related to your wedding doesn't count.

I would seriously drop this attitude. These are your best friends right? You're going to damage it because they haven't thrown you parties and planned your wedding? Wow.

[Deleted User]

Honestly, I was in a friend's wedding in September. I don't think I even bought the dress until a month before, because I had tried it on, knew it wouldn't need alterations, and I needed to wait until I was able to afford to purchase it. There is no reason to be quite so freaked out about the lack of dresses yet. 

I was her MOH, and offered her help when she needed it, but all she expected of me was to show up on the day of with my dress, sober, and on time. I didn't help plan her shower, throw her a bachelorette party, or do any of the things you are expecting of your bridal party. I did give her support, helped her when needed with things like playlists for the reception and the seating chart. She still gave all her bridal party members a great gift, because we were there for her and stood up for her on her big day. 

esstee33

Sararoman said:

I'm getting married in exactly 3 months. My bridesmaids have been non-existent. I have done absolutely all the planning on my own. Only 2 of them have even bought their dress yet ($80 dress. Not requiring them to buy new shoes). I don't even think they are throwing me a bridal shower or bacherlorette party. I am paying for their hair and makeup and (if they even show up for it) the hotel room for all of us the night before. The wedding is not more than 30 minutes away from any of them, so they really don't have travel costs. My question is - do I really need to buy them presents? They haven't done anything to warrant a gift nor have they completed any "bridal party" duties. I'm already paying for everything myself. I am bitter if you can't tell.

Did you ask their budget before you picked this dress? $80 can be a pretty significant amount of money for some people, so that may be why they haven't gotten it yet. 

Otherwise, what everyone else said. Get over it. 

climbingsingle

There are no bridesmaid duties. You know who should be planning your wedding? You and your FI, not your bridesmaids. You don't give gifts to your bridal party members because they planned your wedding, or stuffed envelopes, or threw you a shower. These are supposed to be your closest friends, and they are your honored guests. You buy them a gift to say "thank you for standing up with me on this day." 

redoryx

Sararoman said:

I suppose. That mentality makes 95% of this website obsolete though. The bridal party IS supposed to do certain things for the wedding. That's what separates them from the normal guests. Should I buy a gift for everyone who shows up to the wedding on time and sober?

No. What separates them from the normal guests is that you have chosen to HONOR THEM by asking them to stand beside you as you get married.

Jen4948

Sararoman said:

I suppose. That mentality makes 95% of this website obsolete though. The bridal party IS supposed to do certain things for the wedding. That's what separates them from the normal guests. Should I buy a gift for everyone who shows up to the wedding on time and sober?

Sorry, no. All the bridal party is "supposed" to do is get the dresses you choose, wear them to the wedding, show up sober, on time, and in good spirits, pose for some photos, process up the aisle, and recess back down it. They are NOT your event planners or unpaid servants. And in exchange, yes, you owe them gifts. If you're not willing to give gifts to people you expect to spend time and money acquiring outfits, accessories, and hair and makeup jobs for one day that they will never use again, you don't deserve any bridesmaids.

levioosa

PP's have it covered.

I predict a DD. 

PrettyGirlLost

Sararoman said:

I suppose. That mentality makes 95% of this website obsolete though.   Well yes.  Because we give you information based on etiquette, treating family and friends well, and cold hard reality.  TheKnot.com gives you information based on you spending as much money on your wedding as you can, because that's how the wedding industry works.  The bridal party IS supposed to do certain things for the wedding. That's what separates them from the normal guests. Should I buy a gift for everyone who shows up to the wedding on time and sober?  Being in the Bridal Party is just a ceremonial role that is an honor for the members of said party.  That ceremonial honor is what separates them from the rest of your guests.  There's no reason why other family members and friends can't throw you a shower, a bach party, etc.

ShesSoCold

Yes, your BP deserves gifts. You, however, don't sound like you deserve a bridal party.

slothiegal

Holy shit, they deserve EXTRA gifts for dealing with your piss poor attitude.

If you need help planning your wedding, talk to your FI. It's his/her wedding as well. Not your BM's. Need more help? Hire a wedding planner. Jesus.

stephteddy

Sararoman said:

I suppose. That mentality makes 95% of this website obsolete though. The bridal party IS supposed to do certain things for the wedding. That's what separates them from the normal guests. Should I buy a gift for everyone who shows up to the wedding on time and sober?

Actually, yes. You are supposed to get your regular guests a gift. It's called a plate of food and all the beverages they can handle (doesn't have to be alcohol, obvs).

I didn't realize that gifts were supposed to be tit-for-tat either. Sheesh.