Family disapproval and who to invite

griehm

Hi all,

Wanted to get some feedback on this. My fiancee and I are getting married and we are both female. Some of my family is declining to attend because they disapprove of homosexuality. Fine, whatever, I knew that would probably happen with a few of them. What I'm not sure about is, how to deal with inviting various family members around them. For example, my aunt and uncle have told me they are not coming. They have five sons, ranging in age from 15-26, in various stages of "moving out." I want to be respectful of my aunt and uncle and their decision, while also not denying my cousins the opportunity to make their own decisions about attending. Where should I cut off the invitations? Here are the exact situations: the oldest, 26, is in grad school, lives on his own. Second oldest, 23, lives on his own, has his own job. Third oldest, 20, is in college and didn't live with parents last summer, but is still nominally living with them, doesn't have his own permanent place. Fourth one, 18, is a senior in high school and still lives at his parents' house. Fourth, 15 (will be 16 by the time of our wedding), is a sophomore in high school. The first two are cut and dry, I think I can send them their own invites, and the youngest I don't think I should send an invite. But what about the two middle ones? I am not sure if the "age 18" or "not living with parents anymore" would be acceptable cut-offs. I'm not even sure if any of them will come, but like I said, I want to give them the option.

lyndausvi

I would just invite the all of them including the aunt and uncle.  And in this case I would give ALL of them their own invite. None attached to the parents.  That way everyone gets to me their own choices (even though the minors may not actually have a real choice.)

I know your aunt and uncle said they would not come, but stranger things have happened.  A real invite might change their minds.  Maybe not, but I don't hold much credit to verbal nos or yeses, for that matter.  Only the returned RSVP is what I count.

ETA - just another thing.   For them to say they would not come leads me to believe you gave them a verbal invite, maybe even an STD or a some sort of indication that they are invited.   So that is another reason to send them an invite.  

NYCMercedes

Lynda put it so well. Send them each their own individual invitations.

griehm

Yes, I sent out an email notification upon our engagement to most of my family members. I had no idea how many of them would be willing to come (anywhere from none to 40+) and I wanted to get a rough estimate before we decided on a venue, since that would make a difference as to the size of the venue. They were the only ones who responded to the email stating they would not attend. I've gotten affirmatives from most others and a couple who didn't respond to the email. But I like your idea, just send out invitations to all and let them decide at this point. Their decision might be different now, or even if it's the same, I should still send them a formal invitation to decline, since I indicated I would invite them. 

So you think I should even send the 15-year-old his own? I am not doing that with any of my other teen cousins... I suppose it's a good way to make sure they all get notified, I'm just concerned my aunt and uncle will think that I'm trying to undermine them or something (some of my family have really weird beliefs about homosexuality, that's an agenda, etc.). Sometimes, dealing with family makes it hard to know what is realistic and what is being sucked into family dynamics/drama. Maybe I am overthinking this too much.

Thanks ladies!

lyndausvi

   Only you know your family.  If you are not giving any other teens cousins one then I can see how your aunt and uncle might feel like you are trying to undermine them.

huskypuppy14

griehm said:

Hi all,

Wanted to get some feedback on this. My fiancee and I are getting married and we are both female. Some of my family is declining to attend because they disapprove of homosexuality. Fine, whatever, I knew that would probably happen with a few of them. What I'm not sure about is, how to deal with inviting various family members around them. For example, my aunt and uncle have told me they are not coming. They have five sons, ranging in age from 15-26, in various stages of "moving out." I want to be respectful of my aunt and uncle and their decision, while also not denying my cousins the opportunity to make their own decisions about attending. Where should I cut off the invitations? Here are the exact situations: the oldest, 26, is in grad school, lives on his own. Second oldest, 23, lives on his own, has his own job. Third oldest, 20, is in college and didn't live with parents last summer, but is still nominally living with them, doesn't have his own permanent place. Fourth one, 18, is a senior in high school and still lives at his parents' house. Fourth, 15 (will be 16 by the time of our wedding), is a sophomore in high school. The first two are cut and dry, I think I can send them their own invites, and the youngest I don't think I should send an invite. But what about the two middle ones? I am not sure if the "age 18" or "not living with parents anymore" would be acceptable cut-offs. I'm not even sure if any of them will come, but like I said, I want to give them the option.

Why do you want to respect your Aunt and Uncle's decision, when they clearly don't respect you?

You should send all adults their own invitation anyway, so that only leaves out the 15 year old. It's up to you if you want to send him his own invite, or tack it on with the parents.

JCbride2015

huskypuppy14 said:

griehm said:

Hi all,

Wanted to get some feedback on this. My fiancee and I are getting married and we are both female. Some of my family is declining to attend because they disapprove of homosexuality. Fine, whatever, I knew that would probably happen with a few of them. What I'm not sure about is, how to deal with inviting various family members around them. For example, my aunt and uncle have told me they are not coming. They have five sons, ranging in age from 15-26, in various stages of "moving out." I want to be respectful of my aunt and uncle and their decision, while also not denying my cousins the opportunity to make their own decisions about attending. Where should I cut off the invitations? Here are the exact situations: the oldest, 26, is in grad school, lives on his own. Second oldest, 23, lives on his own, has his own job. Third oldest, 20, is in college and didn't live with parents last summer, but is still nominally living with them, doesn't have his own permanent place. Fourth one, 18, is a senior in high school and still lives at his parents' house. Fourth, 15 (will be 16 by the time of our wedding), is a sophomore in high school. The first two are cut and dry, I think I can send them their own invites, and the youngest I don't think I should send an invite. But what about the two middle ones? I am not sure if the "age 18" or "not living with parents anymore" would be acceptable cut-offs. I'm not even sure if any of them will come, but like I said, I want to give them the option.

Why do you want to respect your Aunt and Uncle's decision, when they clearly don't respect you?

You should send all adults their own invitation anyway, so that only leaves out the 15 year old. It's up to you if you want to send him his own invite, or tack it on with the parents.

This this this!  I would be actively trying to undermine this aunt and uncle.  You are way nicer than me, OP.

I'd send everybody an individual invitation.

AddieCake

Yep, send them all individual invitations. And I'm sorry you have jerks in your family.

wrigleyville

I agree with everyone else. I hope you have a lovely wedding and that this isn't making you too depressed.

southernbelle0915

I'm so sorry you're not feeling full support. I would invite everyone, individually. FWIW, you have support here.

SP29

All adults should receive their own invite (so the 20 and 23 year olds should get their own).

Technically the 15 year old would go on his parent's invitation, but since they have already said they won't come, you can give him his own if you are planning on inviting him.

Sorry some of your family members are being jerks. I am sure you will have amazing wedding day

griehm

Thank you so much, all! It got me a little depressed for awhile, mostly because my parents and sister are refusing to come as well (well, my mom has said she'll come for the ceremony but not for the reception, but it's clearly not something she wants). So, that's more than the aunt and uncle situation. But we have a lot of support from other family members and friends. And it's nice to find support here too! I think we will send everyone but the 15-year-old their own invitations (since that would be out of the norm). Thank you all again for your support and feedback!

amelisha

I think you're doing the right thing, because the 15 year old is certainly still at an age where he probably needs permission to go out and therefore would probably have to lie if he DID want to attend...which makes the whole thing kind of cross the line, I think. 

I hope you have a beautiful wedding surrounded by the people who do support you. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have your parents and aunt and uncle acting like this and I'm sorry it's like that for you.

lyndausvi

griehm said:

Thank you so much, all! It got me a little depressed for awhile, mostly because my parents and sister are refusing to come as well (well, my mom has said she'll come for the ceremony but not for the reception, but it's clearly not something she wants). So, that's more than the aunt and uncle situation. But we have a lot of support from other family members and friends. And it's nice to find support here too! I think we will send everyone but the 15-year-old their own invitations (since that would be out of the norm). Thank you all again for your support and feedback!

Not sure how many minor cousins you have, but it would to TOTALLY worth the extra costs to send them all their own invites in order to make it the NORM.

I mean just your family.  It's doubtful your minor cousins are going to talk non-family members about how they get their own invite.

griehm

lyndausvi said:

griehm said:

Thank you so much, all! It got me a little depressed for awhile, mostly because my parents and sister are refusing to come as well (well, my mom has said she'll come for the ceremony but not for the reception, but it's clearly not something she wants). So, that's more than the aunt and uncle situation. But we have a lot of support from other family members and friends. And it's nice to find support here too! I think we will send everyone but the 15-year-old their own invitations (since that would be out of the norm). Thank you all again for your support and feedback!

Not sure how many minor cousins you have, but it would to TOTALLY worth the extra costs to send them all their own invites in order to make it the NORM.

I mean just your family.  It's doubtful your minor cousins are going to talk non-family members about how they get their own invite.

Not that many, but I think I'll just stick with the normal etiquette, because like @amelisha said, he would have to get permission anyway.