Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions

including my 5 year old daughter in the ceremony?!

My fh and I were talking about getting my daughter a open hears neckless and he wants to ask her if he can be her daddy..yay or nay? (her real dad isnt part of the picture)

Re: including my 5 year old daughter in the ceremony?!

  • mrscomposermrscomposer Mani-snow-ba member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer

    Generally this is going to be frowned on - your wedding is between you and your FI, a commitment between the two of you.  Sure, your daughter is going to be part of the family, but she shouldn't be part of the ceremony like this, as she isn't one of the people making the commitment. 

    I wouldn't make it part of the ceremony.  What if, for instance, she gets shy and doesn't say anything?  Or gets overwhelmed and says no?

    If you're dead set on having it as part of the ceremony, I would just say have your FI present the necklace to your daughter - don't ask her anything.  Even that, though, I would say isn't necessary or should be part of the ceremony.  Better to do it privately. 

    **The OMH formerly known as jsangel1018**
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Please, please, please don't have a "vow exchange" involving your daughter at the ceremony. She isn't getting married and she has no choice about who you're married to or not. What if your FI were to ask her and she said no? What if she just doesn't want the attention?

    Also, your wedding ceremony is not the time to present gifts to children. If it's important to you to have her participate in your wedding, have her be a flower girl. But give her the necklace in private, not at the ceremony-just as you would do with any other wedding party member.
  • I'm wearing my open heart necklace that a relative gave me right now. I think they are beautiful gifts. Your future husband could give her a sweet gift like that, but I'd avoid doing it during the ceremony.

     I also wouldn't suggest the "Can I be your daddy" part on that day. It could feel fake and like he is just doing it to suck up and look good. That is a conversation that could be had on a different day, in my opinion. I know that as a child, that whole thing would have made me uncomfortable.

  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    My fh and I were talking about getting my daughter a open hears neckless and he wants to ask her if he can be her daddy..yay or nay? (her real dad isnt part of the picture)
    Open heart as in the T&A jewelry?

    Regardless, no, he should not be giving her gifts and asking her that during the ceremony.  The ceremony is about the legal union of two adults. 

  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    My fh and I were talking about getting my daughter a open hears neckless and he wants to ask her if he can be her daddy..yay or nay? (her real dad isnt part of the picture)

    This is a conversation that you should have with your daughter in the comfort of your own house. Not in front of a large group of people. Children should not be a part of an adult union. Nevermind the possible psychological ramifications should something go wrong with your marriage, it's a union between you and your FI. It's lovely to want to include her, but unnecessary to make a production out of it.

    And I think the "can I be your daddy?" part is creepy. What happens if she says no? Are you not getting married? What if she says yes and your husband and you divorce and she was never adopted by him and he just abandons her? I'm not saying these things are going to happen, but they're all inside the realm of possibility.

    I would explain that you two got married, give her the gift of the necklace, explain what it means to the two of you to have her as a part of your life and move on with the day.

  • I would just have her as a flower girl. A 5 year old cannot comprehend what you're planning to ask her to do. That's why vows and proposals are between adults. Giving her a gift for being a flower girl would be very sweet.

    esstee33[Deleted User]
  • fwtx5815fwtx5815 cowboys nation member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Agree with previous posters. Children shouldn't participate in wedding ceremonies beyond being flower girls/ring bearers.


     fka dallasbetch 


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  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Do not include her in the ceremony beyond being a flower girl.

  • EWwwwww!!!  Yuck!  A wedding is between to adults.  Children are not participants in the ceremony.  Your daughter can be a flower girl, or even a little bridesmaid, but she should not take any part in vows between you and your FI.  I find this offensive.  Give her the necklace privately.
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Agree with PPs. I don't think you should do this. 

  • edited January 2015
    I agree with PPs that he should not give her a necklace during the ceremony and he REALLY shouldn't ask if he can be her "daddy". She's only five.

    My dad passed away when I was younger and my mom became involved with another man. He was wonderful because the relationship moved at my pace. After a number of years, I came to see him as a father figure, but he never asked if he could be that. We had AGE APPROPRIATE conversations about his role in my life and I always knew how much he loved me. 

    She could be a flower girl and you both could give her the necklace as a thank you gift/to show your love.

    Edited for spelling.
  • minksterweddingminksterwedding JACKSONVILLE, FL member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    My 6, (during the wedding she'll be 7) year old daughter will be my flower girl. My father passed away a few years ago so a dance with her will take the place of my father daughter dance just as a way to include her more in the goings on of the big day. That being said, I don't think it's appropriate to make such a big presentation of your husband becoming her dad. If he wants to legally adopt her, maybe throw a party down the road for that. This day is for you and your fiance. Putting that much publicity into something for a 5 year old could put pressure on her or make her uncomfortable. 
    My daughter has asked many times if she can call my fiance "Dad" and we told her when we're officially married, that would be ok (her father is in the picture but maybe 3 times a year). Ultimately, you know your situation better than any of us but I would not think that would be more in your interest than your daughter's. 
  • JennyColadaJennyColada Awesometown, CA member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    How does the idea of a child bride (your own child no doubt!) not gross you out?
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