Rude to ask BM to back out from a destination wedding?

Knottie69291257

I asked my sister and 4 of my friends to be my bridesmaids. But now I think 5 bridesmaid will be too many since my wedding will be an intimate destination wedding of about 50 people. Also, the wedding venue I LOVE is pretty small and does not have enough room for 12 people (5 BM, 5 GM, FI, and myself) to stand up at the front during the ceremony. So now I am thinking of having only my sister (and my fiancé will ask his brother. Smart him, he hasn't asked anyone to be a groomsmen yet). Would it be rude to ask my friends to back out? I still want them to come to my wedding, so I'm thinking about offering to pay for their travel expenses. I was thinking maybe they will be ok with it since they haven't bought their dresses yet and they will be able to wear whatever they like to my wedding if they decide to come.

lovesclimbing

Knottie69291257 said:

I asked my sister and 4 of my friends to be my bridesmaids. But now I think 5 bridesmaid will be too many since my wedding will be an intimate destination wedding of about 50 people. Also, the wedding venue I LOVE is pretty small and does not have enough room for 12 people (5 BM, 5 GM, FI, and myself) to stand up at the front during the ceremony. So now I am thinking of having only my sister (and my fiancé will ask his brother. Smart him, he hasn't asked anyone to be a groomsmen yet). Would it be rude to ask my friends to back out? I still want them to come to my wedding, so I'm thinking about offering to pay for their travel expenses. I was thinking maybe they will be ok with it since they haven't bought their dresses yet and they will be able to wear whatever they like to my wedding if they decide to come.

Yes, I'm afraid it will be very hurtful to your bridesmaids if you ask them to back out.

If you're concerned about space at the wedding, consider having the bridesmaids sit in the front row and only have the maid of honor and best man stand up with you two.  From what I've heard, this is common at Catholic weddings.

As for your fiance, just because you have five bridesmaids doesn't mean he has to have five groomsmen.  He can have just one or two if he wants.

Finally, even if they're bridesmaids, you can still offer to pay for their travel expenses and let them wear whatever dress they want, potentially within a color scheme you choose.

levioosa

Since you have asked them, you cannot ask them to back out without being rude and hurting their feelings.  Kicking someone out of the BP is a friendship ending move.  PP had a good suggestion about having the BMs in the first row with the MOH standing next to you.  Sides don't have to be even.  

jacques27

Why would it be 12 people?  (Although, you forgot the officiant, so technically it's 13.)

You don't have to have even sides.  So you have five, he has one.  That is six, plus the two of you and the officiant.  That should be manageable.

It sucks that you pulled the trigger too early before considering what you really wanted, but you can't un-ask people once you've asked.  I suggest you find a way to Tim Gunn it and "make it work".

lmcooper86

Everything PPs said. Asking them to step down will be incredibly rude and hurtful, and would likely end (or cause significant long lasting damage to) those relationships. 

Reserve the first row of seats for your BMs. They can all walk down the aisle ahead of you, and stand at or near the altar while you're walking in, and then sit in the front row while you, your MOH, your FI and his BM stand through the ceremony. This is probably going to be your best way to keep them as BMs while not all being crammed in at the altar. 

AddieCake

Of course it would be rude. How could you possibly think otherwise?

southernbelle0915

This will hurt feelings and damage your friendships. If you don't want that, just leave them in.

Eta reading comp

zitiqueen

You're not "asking" them to step down. You're kicking them out. Call it what it is.

Knottie69291257

Thank you for the responses. After I decided on my venue, I was reading (and was told by couple of friends) how people weren't fond of going to destination weddings because of the high cost on the guests and how they think it's very selfish of the bride and groom.. Two of the bridesmaid's husband jokingly said we should have our wedding at a bowling alley instead. I know they were joking, but I was feeling kind of guilty for deciding on a destination wedding so I was a little upset. Anyways, my point is, if people don't like attending destination weddings, maybe my friends would prefer not to be a bridesmaid, potentially save money, and have a choice of coming to our wedding or not. Or does this not matter anymore? Is it better to have them as my bridesmaid and ask them to pay for most of their expenses? If they are my bridesmaid, I am planning on paying for the dress, jewelry, make/hair, etc, but I can't afford to pay for their travel expense too. If they're not my bridesmaid, I can help with some of their travel expense..

Viczaesar

Knottie69291257 said:

I asked my sister and 4 of my friends to be my bridesmaids. But now I think 5 bridesmaid will be too many since my wedding will be an intimate destination wedding of about 50 people. Also, the wedding venue I LOVE is pretty small and does not have enough room for 12 people (5 BM, 5 GM, FI, and myself) to stand up at the front during the ceremony. So now I am thinking of having only my sister (and my fiancé will ask his brother. Smart him, he hasn't asked anyone to be a groomsmen yet). Would it be rude to ask my friends to back out? I still want them to come to my wedding, so I'm thinking about offering to pay for their travel expenses. I was thinking maybe they will be ok with it since they haven't bought their dresses yet and they will be able to wear whatever they like to my wedding if they decide to come.

Yes, that would be horribly rude.  You can have them sit in the front row if they don't all fit standing up at the altar/front of the room.

Viczaesar

Knottie69291257 said:

Thank you for the responses. After I decided on my venue, I was reading (and was told by couple of friends) how people weren't fond of going to destination weddings because of the high cost on the guests and how they think it's very selfish of the bride and groom.. Two of the bridesmaid's husband jokingly said we should have our wedding at a bowling alley instead. I know they were joking, but I was feeling kind of guilty for deciding on a destination wedding so I was a little upset. Anyways, my point is, if people don't like attending destination weddings, maybe my friends would prefer not to be a bridesmaid, potentially save money, and have a choice of coming to our wedding or not. Or does this not matter anymore? Is it better to have them as my bridesmaid and ask them to pay for most of their expenses? If they are my bridesmaid, I am planning on paying for the dress, jewelry, make/hair, etc, but I can't afford to pay for their travel expense too. If they're not my bridesmaid, I can help with some of their travel expense..

It's better not to kick them out.  If they can't swing it financially they will back out on their own.  It should be their choice, not yours. 

If you don't require specific jewelry (which is rather ridiculous anyway) and/or professional make up and hair styling then you don't have to pay for it.  The only cost other than travel costs is the dress. 

00kim00

Viczaesar said:

Knottie69291257 said:

Thank you for the responses. After I decided on my venue, I was reading (and was told by couple of friends) how people weren't fond of going to destination weddings because of the high cost on the guests and how they think it's very selfish of the bride and groom.. Two of the bridesmaid's husband jokingly said we should have our wedding at a bowling alley instead. I know they were joking, but I was feeling kind of guilty for deciding on a destination wedding so I was a little upset. Anyways, my point is, if people don't like attending destination weddings, maybe my friends would prefer not to be a bridesmaid, potentially save money, and have a choice of coming to our wedding or not. Or does this not matter anymore? Is it better to have them as my bridesmaid and ask them to pay for most of their expenses? If they are my bridesmaid, I am planning on paying for the dress, jewelry, make/hair, etc, but I can't afford to pay for their travel expense too. If they're not my bridesmaid, I can help with some of their travel expense..

It's better not to kick them out.  If they can't swing it financially they will back out on their own.  It should be their choice, not yours. 

If you don't require specific jewelry (which is rather ridiculous anyway) and/or professional make up and hair styling then you don't have to pay for it.  The only cost other than travel costs is the dress. 


You can also tell them to wear a dress they already own (you can choose the color, but be mindful of what they tend to wear/own if you really expect then to pull something out of their closet). That way there's zero extra expense for them to be a bridesmaid rather than a guest. In that case, then paying for their travel would be a way to be extra considerate and honor the most special people in your life, (rather than insult them) which sounds like is your intention

southernbelle0915

Knottie69291257 said:

Thank you for the responses. After I decided on my venue, I was reading (and was told by couple of friends) how people weren't fond of going to destination weddings because of the high cost on the guests and how they think it's very selfish of the bride and groom.. Two of the bridesmaid's husband jokingly said we should have our wedding at a bowling alley instead. I know they were joking, but I was feeling kind of guilty for deciding on a destination wedding so I was a little upset. Anyways, my point is, if people don't like attending destination weddings, maybe my friends would prefer not to be a bridesmaid, potentially save money, and have a choice of coming to our wedding or not. Or does this not matter anymore? Is it better to have them as my bridesmaid and ask them to pay for most of their expenses? If they are my bridesmaid, I am planning on paying for the dress, jewelry, make/hair, etc, but I can't afford to pay for their travel expense too. If they're not my bridesmaid, I can help with some of their travel expense..

So because you read and heard some things about SOME people's feelings about DWs, you want to kick people out of your WP? Logic fail.

If they can't attend, they'll take themselves out of the wedding. If they can attend, you should honor the commitment you made to make these people guests of honor.

PrettyGirlLost

southernbelle0915 said:

Thank you for the responses. After I decided on my venue, I was reading (and was told by couple of friends) how people weren't fond of going to destination weddings because of the high cost on the guests and how they think it's very selfish of the bride and groom.. Two of the bridesmaid's husband jokingly said we should have our wedding at a bowling alley instead. I know they were joking, but I was feeling kind of guilty for deciding on a destination wedding so I was a little upset. Anyways, my point is, if people don't like attending destination weddings, maybe my friends would prefer not to be a bridesmaid, potentially save money, and have a choice of coming to our wedding or not. Or does this not matter anymore? Is it better to have them as my bridesmaid and ask them to pay for most of their expenses? If they are my bridesmaid, I am planning on paying for the dress, jewelry, make/hair, etc, but I can't afford to pay for their travel expense too. If they're not my bridesmaid, I can help with some of their travel expense..

So because you read and heard some things about SOME people's feelings about DWs, you want to kick people out of your WP? Logic fail. If they can't attend, they'll take themselves out of the wedding. If they can attend, you should honor the commitment you made to make these people guests of honor.

This.

You asked them already, you can't go back on that now.  Your Wedding Party doesn't need to stand up at the altar with you, and if you aren't having a Catholic wedding then your Best Man and MOH don't even need to be up there either.

Let everyone sit in the 1st row of seats.  It sucks to have to stand for even a 20min or 30min ceremony.

[Deleted User]

When you asked them to be BM did they know it was going to be a destination wedding? If not, then I would privately ask them (and very soon) that given now that you are planning a destination wedding if they are still ok with being a BM because you don't want to cause any financial issues for them since going to a destination wedding adds more expenses to being a BM then just a dress. Now this doesn't mean that you are getting rid of BM, it just means that you are politely making sure that your plans fit into their budgets which is what a bride is suppose to do. If they say yes, then you still have your BM.

Knottie69291257

I did know I was having a destination wedding, but didn't know the venue I would love would be so small.. I did think about having them sit in the front row, but I would like to save those seats for the parents. Also, if I have 5 BM and my fiancé doesn't ask his close friends, they might be upset to why he didn't ask them, so he would probably have more than just his brother as a groomsmen. I thought it would be okay to have my friends back out since I'm not asking just one or two of them.. I would be hurt too if I was asked to be a BM and the bride asked just me or a few others to back out, but if it's everyone except her sister, I would be ok and understand her decision. They all know I am close to my sister too. So I thought they would feel the same way.. 

Maggie0829

Knottie69291257 said:

I did know I was having a destination wedding, but didn't know the venue I would love would be so small.. I did think about having them sit in the front row, but I would like to save those seats for the parents. Also, if I have 5 BM and my fiancé doesn't ask his close friends, they might be upset to why he didn't ask them, so he would probably have more than just his brother as a groomsmen. I thought it would be okay to have my friends back out since I'm not asking just one or two of them.. I would be hurt too if I was asked to be a BM and the bride asked just me or a few others to back out, but if it's everyone except her sister, I would be ok and understand her decision. They all know I am close to my sister too. So I thought they would feel the same way.. 

If you kicked them out would you still be inviting them to the wedding?  If so then I don't see a difference between them being in the wedding or just attending as guests.  Sure one or two may understand your decision but you are still putting yourself at risk of hurting the feelings of people who may be your nearest and dearest.

My advice.  Keep them all as your BMs and let your FI ask whoever the heck he wants to.

PrettyGirlLost

Your parents can sit in the 2nd row.

banana468

PrettyGirlLost said:

Your parents can sit in the 2nd row.

This. That's standard for weddings in the Catholic Church. The only people up with the B&G are the BM and MOH.

Knottie69291257

Ok I think I'll go with having them sit in the front row. I really do love my girls and I definitely don't want to lose any of them or have any hurt feelings. I appreciate all your inputs!