Before I Ask Bridesmaids...

[Deleted User]

Hi all! I recently got engaged in September 2014 and am starting to plan a wedding for the fall of 2016. I am currently in the process of thinking about Bridesmaids, largely because I have had the same group of friends for more than 10 years and I want to give everyone ample time for planning. (Some of my friends do not live in the same state.)

Here is my dilemma, and I am sure it is not unique: One of my close friends has been (over the past 3+ years) increasingly unreliable. This is due to a handful of reasons, some outside of her control, others not. I don't see her very often because of our schedules and hectic lives, but we are still very close. It's one of those "it doesn't matter how often we see each other" friendships. The thing is, I don't know if I want to ask her to be a bridesmaid. In an ideal world I would love to include her in my wedding in that way, but I am very worried that including her may cause issues down the line. She has a tendency to be aggressive and argumentative, especially under pressure, and her lack of reliability makes it hard to plan anything. I love her, dearly, as a friend and I know this is just the type of person she is, but I don't want any tension amongst the group (or...as little tension as possible), and I don't want any hurt feelings.

I have had this discussion with the girl who I am planning to ask to be MOH, and she has already said she is worried too, but that she would try to "handle" any situations, should they arise (like I said, we have all been close for years, so she knows about these quirks.) However, I don't want everyone else to handle it. It shouldn't be a "handling" issue.

I just do NOT want to upset her or hurt her feelings in any way, but I also don't want to cause unnecessary tension.

I suppose, what I am asking is if anyone has advice in this type of situation. Have any of you experienced this? If so, what did you do? If not, what would you do?

Thanks everyone!

mikenberger

abcdevonn said:

Hi all! I recently got engaged in September 2014 and am starting to plan a wedding for the fall of 2016. I am currently in the process of thinking about Bridesmaids, largely because I have had the same group of friends for more than 10 years and I want to give everyone ample time for planning. (Some of my friends do not live in the same state.)

Here is my dilemma, and I am sure it is not unique: One of my close friends has been (over the past 3+ years) increasingly unreliable. This is due to a handful of reasons, some outside of her control, others not. I don't see her very often because of our schedules and hectic lives, but we are still very close. It's one of those "it doesn't matter how often we see each other" friendships. The thing is, I don't know if I want to ask her to be a bridesmaid. In an ideal world I would love to include her in my wedding in that way, but I am very worried that including her may cause issues down the line. She has a tendency to be aggressive and argumentative, especially under pressure, and her lack of reliability makes it hard to plan anything. I love her, dearly, as a friend and I know this is just the type of person she is, but I don't want any tension amongst the group (or...as little tension as possible), and I don't want any hurt feelings.

I have had this discussion with the girl who I am planning to ask to be MOH, and she has already said she is worried too, but that she would try to "handle" any situations, should they arise (like I said, we have all been close for years, so she knows about these quirks.) However, I don't want everyone else to handle it. It shouldn't be a "handling" issue.

I just do NOT want to upset her or hurt her feelings in any way, but I also don't want to cause unnecessary tension.

I suppose, what I am asking is if anyone has advice in this type of situation. Have any of you experienced this? If so, what did you do? If not, what would you do?

Thanks everyone!

1 - Do not. Repeat: DO NOT inform your bridal party until 12-9 months prior to the wedding that they are members of your bridal party. Closer to 9 months is preferred. There are plenty of brides "We were SO close a year ago, now we barely speak!" on here and it's awful to deal with but once a bridesmaid is in, you cannot kick them out without the large possibility of damaging/ending your friendship. 

2 - Bridesmaids are not there for how great their personalities are and how well they play with others. And bridesmaids shouldn't have to "handle" the others. Everybody is adults and should play like adults. It's up to you if you want to have her in your party. It's clear that you're aware that she's a handful and it might just be a good idea to not have her in your party. But that's your choice. Just remember, you cannot kick her out once she's in. Obviously if she removes herself, no big deal, but you cannot kick her out.

Choose your nearest and dearest for your party. If she throws a fit for not being a bridesmaid, you probably made the right choice after all. 

EDIT: English is like. super tough.

[Deleted User]

mikenberger said: 1 - Do not. Repeat: DO NOT inform your bridal party until 12-9 months prior to the wedding that they are members of your bridal party. Closer to 9 months is preferred. There are plenty of brides "We were SO close a year ago, now we barely speak!" on here and it's awful to deal with but once a bridesmaid is in, you cannot kick them out without the large possibility of damaging/ending your friendship. 
2 - Bridesmaids are not there for how great their personalities are and how well they play with others. And bridesmaids shouldn't have to "handle" the others. Everybody should adults and play like adults. It's up to you if you want to have her in your party. It's clear that you're aware that she's a handful and it might just be a good idea to not have her in your party. But that's your choice. Just remember, you cannot kick her out once she's in. Obviously if she removes herself, no big deal, but you cannot kick her out.
Choose your nearest and dearest for your party. If she throws a fit for not being a bridesmaid, you probably made the right choice after all. 




Haha yeah, I have seen those threads around. That is why I am just thinking right now. Even my MOH doesn't know she is going to be in it...despite being my best friend since 1st grade. It is tricky to discuss though, without making it awkward or giving my intentions away. 

Thank you for the advice. 

novella1186

mikenberger said, especially with WAITING to ask them. Your wedding is well over a year away right now. You have plenty of time. 

It's also not necessary to plan things with the BMs. If you can get everyone together to go dress shopping, great. If not everyone can make it, no big deal. Ask them-- individually-- for their budget, choose a dress that's at the lowest budget, and give everyone the info on where/when/how to order. Done. Or let them pick their own dress. Even easier. 

If anyone volunteers to throw you a shower and/or bachelorette party, it's not necessary for all the BMs to plan together. So again, no problem with the girl who sucks with plans. All the host needs to do is give her an invite so she knows where/when to show up. Done. 

As long as this girl is capable of showing up relatively sober, in the right dress, on your wedding day, that's all she needs to do. If she has that ability and she is your nearest and dearest and you just can't imagine not having her beside you on your wedding day, then ask her (when it's closer to your wedding date, not now). 

If she is not your nearest and dearest, do not ask her. Asking her just to prevent hurt feelings is a bad idea. If you're having a difficult time with her now, throwing her into your wedding plans will not make things any easier. 

mikenberger, you can NOT kick her out once you've asked her. 

Maggie0829

You pick people to be a part of your wedding based on your relationship with them and that you could not imagine them not standing up there with you.  You do not base it on how well they may interact with the other members of your wedding party.  These people are all adults and should be able to handle any issues that may arise maturely and without involving you.

The only requirements a wedding party member has is to buy the appropriate attire and show up to you wedding in said attire on time.  These people are not asked to help you plan or throw you party, they are chosen because you want to honor their friendship.

Also, don't ask anyone until you are at least a year out.  Yes, you all have been friends for 10+ years but relationships can and do change and once you ask there is no unasking.

[Deleted User]

Now that you're all saying it, and having read it elsewhere on here before, it's true that all they really have to do and all I really want them to do is show up (sober) and stand there for a few mins, and then have fun with everyone else. I guess it is just more complicated in my head than it actually ends up being in real life! lol

PrettyGirlLost

This is the only place I have ever heard suggest not to ask your wedding party until 9 months or less before the wedding date.  It's a good suggestion based on the amount of drama that is posted on this board, but I think those brides would have had that drama no matter when they asked their BMs to be in the WP.  It seems like the issues are mostly personality issues that were pre-existing and a wedding doesn't make those go away.

Since I never have heard of this advice before, I asked my BMs within a month of getting engaged and I had a two year engagement.  I had no drama occur during that time- no fights, no one dropped out, etc.

As a BM, there's really nothing that requires them to have "ample time to plan."  All wedding party members serve ceremonial roles of honor.  That means that the Bride and Groom honor them by asking them to stand up with them during their ceremony.  There are no tasks or duties they are required to perform, except to show up on time and sober, dressed appropriately on the day of your wedding. 

Your BM's are not required nor should they be expected to help you plan your wedding- that's your FI's job- or host a bridal shower or bachlorette party for you.  Those parties are gifts offered up to you, and anyone can choose to do that. .. or not.

If your friend is unreliable now, she will be unreliable all throughout your engagement.  She's not going to change.   And she will be unreliable whether you ask her to be a BM today or in 9 months.  Remember when I said earlier that these drama issues are personality issues, not wedding issues.

Now, if you accept that your friend is unreliable and that her only job is to show up on time and sober in the right dress, and you still want to ask her to be in your WP, then go for it.  You just have to accept that the responsibility to show up dressed is on her, and you can't nag her about getting the dress, etc all through your engagement.  If the thought of leaving that responsibility up to her is too stressful to you, then don't ask her.

Also, it's not your MOH's job to "handle" any adult other than herself.  It doesn't matter how crass, surly, and nasty other ppl are.  It's not the MOH's place to try and control and parent other adults.  Again, if you think your friend's personality is too volatile and she will start shit and clash with the rest of the bridal party don't ask her to be in the bridal party.

MissKittyDanger

I had a similar thing with 2 friends {only one is bridesmaid}

Friend 1 - known since kindergarden, but vastly unreliable. I only see her every so often when we go for coffee and chat.

Friend 2 - known since grade 6 or 7 and has tendency of not hanging out when has boyfriend. This being said, she is more reliable and I see her more often.

I made the decision, and Friend 1 is still invited to wedding but Friend 2 is part of wedding. Even that was down to if my fiance had a certain amount of guys.

It's really your choice, and as others stated you can't undo it if you decide yes.

I hope you're able to make a choice, it really isn't an easy one!

Maggie0829

mrsspence87 said:

I had a similar thing with 2 friends {only one is bridesmaid}

Friend 1 - known since kindergarden, but vastly unreliable. I only see her every so often when we go for coffee and chat.

Friend 2 - known since grade 6 or 7 and has tendency of not hanging out when has boyfriend. This being said, she is more reliable and I see her more often.

I made the decision, and Friend 1 is still invited to wedding but Friend 2 is part of wedding. Even that was down to if my fiance had a certain amount of guys.

It's really your choice, and as others stated you can't undo it if you decide yes.

I hope you're able to make a choice, it really isn't an easy one!

Wait so you were going to leave up asking someone to be in your bridal party if your FI asked a certain number of guys?

Even sides is no where near as important (actually it is not important at all) as asking the people you want involved.

PrettyGirlLost

Maggie0829 said:

mrsspence87 said:

I had a similar thing with 2 friends {only one is bridesmaid}

Friend 1 - known since kindergarden, but vastly unreliable. I only see her every so often when we go for coffee and chat.

Friend 2 - known since grade 6 or 7 and has tendency of not hanging out when has boyfriend. This being said, she is more reliable and I see her more often.

I made the decision, and Friend 1 is still invited to wedding but Friend 2 is part of wedding. Even that was down to if my fiance had a certain amount of guys.

It's really your choice, and as others stated you can't undo it if you decide yes.

I hope you're able to make a choice, it really isn't an easy one!

Wait so you were going to leave up asking someone to be in your bridal party if your FI asked a certain number of guys?

Even sides is no where near as important (actually it is not important at all) as asking the people you want involved.

OMG even sides, BM duties, and matching dresses all can die in a damn fire.

Awful, awful, ideas that are also quite dumb.

[Deleted User]

PrettyGirlLost said:

This is the only place I have ever heard suggest not to ask your wedding party until 9 months or less before the wedding date.  It's a good suggestion based on the amount of drama that is posted on this board, but I think those brides would have had that drama no matter when they asked their BMs to be in the WP.  It seems like the issues are mostly personality issues that were pre-existing and a wedding doesn't make those go away.

Since I never have heard of this advice before, I asked my BMs within a month of getting engaged and I had a two year engagement.  I had no drama occur during that time- no fights, no one dropped out, etc.

As a BM, there's really nothing that requires them to have "ample time to plan."  All wedding party members serve ceremonial roles of honor.  That means that the Bride and Groom honor them by asking them to stand up with them during their ceremony.  There are no tasks or duties they are required to perform, except to show up on time and sober, dressed appropriately on the day of your wedding. 

Your BM's are not required nor should they be expected to help you plan your wedding- that's your FI's job- or host a bridal shower or bachlorette party for you.  Those parties are gifts offered up to you, and anyone can choose to do that. .. or not.

If your friend is unreliable now, she will be unreliable all throughout your engagement.  She's not going to change.   And she will be unreliable whether you ask her to be a BM today or in 9 months.  Remember when I said earlier that these drama issues are personality issues, not wedding issues.

Now, if you accept that your friend is unreliable and that her only job is to show up on time and sober in the right dress, and you still want to ask her to be in your WP, then go for it.  You just have to accept that the responsibility to show up dressed is on her, and you can't nag her about getting the dress, etc all through your engagement.  If the thought of leaving that responsibility up to her is too stressful to you, then don't ask her.

Also, it's not your MOH's job to "handle" any adult other than herself.  It doesn't matter how crass, surly, and nasty other ppl are.  It's not the MOH's place to try and control and parent other adults.  Again, if you think your friend's personality is too volatile and she will start shit and clash with the rest of the bridal party don't ask her to be in the bridal party.

Agreed. I just wanted to clarify, by "planning" I meant planning travel, not planning the wedding or any activities.

And I absolutely don't want anyone to "handle" anything. That's exactly what I told her. It's unfair to anyone else if they feel the need to "handle" another adult.

MissKittyDanger

PrettyGirlLost said:

Maggie0829 said:

mrsspence87 said:

I had a similar thing with 2 friends {only one is bridesmaid}

Friend 1 - known since kindergarden, but vastly unreliable. I only see her every so often when we go for coffee and chat.

Friend 2 - known since grade 6 or 7 and has tendency of not hanging out when has boyfriend. This being said, she is more reliable and I see her more often.

I made the decision, and Friend 1 is still invited to wedding but Friend 2 is part of wedding. Even that was down to if my fiance had a certain amount of guys.

It's really your choice, and as others stated you can't undo it if you decide yes.

I hope you're able to make a choice, it really isn't an easy one!

Wait so you were going to leave up asking someone to be in your bridal party if your FI asked a certain number of guys?

Even sides is no where near as important (actually it is not important at all) as asking the people you want involved.

OMG even sides, BM duties, and matching dresses all can die in a damn fire.

Awful, awful, ideas that are also quite dumb.

Personality flaw for balance.

Also .... not your wedding. My choice, my options.

And regretting having her in wedding party, but that's not relevant to this.

flantastic

mrsspence87 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Maggie0829 said:

mrsspence87 said:

I had a similar thing with 2 friends {only one is bridesmaid}

Friend 1 - known since kindergarden, but vastly unreliable. I only see her every so often when we go for coffee and chat.

Friend 2 - known since grade 6 or 7 and has tendency of not hanging out when has boyfriend. This being said, she is more reliable and I see her more often.

I made the decision, and Friend 1 is still invited to wedding but Friend 2 is part of wedding. Even that was down to if my fiance had a certain amount of guys.

It's really your choice, and as others stated you can't undo it if you decide yes.

I hope you're able to make a choice, it really isn't an easy one!

Wait so you were going to leave up asking someone to be in your bridal party if your FI asked a certain number of guys?

Even sides is no where near as important (actually it is not important at all) as asking the people you want involved.

OMG even sides, BM duties, and matching dresses all can die in a damn fire.

Awful, awful, ideas that are also quite dumb.

Personality flaw for balance.

Also .... not your wedding. My choice, my options.

And regretting having her in wedding party, but that's not relevant to this.

Fine, but then you can't bitch about your choices, and your friends can be upset if and when they realize they were chosen only for the balance of it.

[Deleted User]

To me I would probably consider making the friend a reader. For me choosing my BM was based on who was important to me, who would I be able to count on to be there for me and help me through my wedding day and who wouldn't add stress to my life or the lives around me. Planning a wedding can be stressful enough, you don't need people on either side of the bridal party that are going to add drama/stress to you or anyone else.

I do want to make clear for others, when I say count on, I mean people I knew that would be responsible for getting their dresses ordered & altered & show up on time for the wedding. And for helping me get through my wedding day, my big thing is that I suffer at times from aniexty attacks, which all my BM were familiar with and I wanted people around me who would recognize what was going on and who would be able to help calm me down.

rcher912

For me, the most important thing about choosing BMs came down to:

Who do I actually WANT to hang out with, without FI, for hours on the day of my wedding? By ourselves.

I'm not hanging out with people who I'm eh about or think might stress me out more just for the sake of a randomly-chosen number that will make things "even".

ohannabelle

flantastic said:

mrsspence87 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Maggie0829 said:

mrsspence87 said:

I had a similar thing with 2 friends {only one is bridesmaid}

Friend 1 - known since kindergarden, but vastly unreliable. I only see her every so often when we go for coffee and chat.

Friend 2 - known since grade 6 or 7 and has tendency of not hanging out when has boyfriend. This being said, she is more reliable and I see her more often.

I made the decision, and Friend 1 is still invited to wedding but Friend 2 is part of wedding. Even that was down to if my fiance had a certain amount of guys.

It's really your choice, and as others stated you can't undo it if you decide yes.

I hope you're able to make a choice, it really isn't an easy one!

Wait so you were going to leave up asking someone to be in your bridal party if your FI asked a certain number of guys?

Even sides is no where near as important (actually it is not important at all) as asking the people you want involved.

OMG even sides, BM duties, and matching dresses all can die in a damn fire.

Awful, awful, ideas that are also quite dumb.

Personality flaw for balance.

Also .... not your wedding. My choice, my options.

And regretting having her in wedding party, but that's not relevant to this.

Fine, but then you can't bitch about your choices, and your friends can be upset if and when they realize they were chosen only for the balance of it.

What does "personality flaw for balance" mean? 

Genuinely asking.