Confusing invite question

ChemFanatic25

Hi Ladies,

I have an etiquette question for my friend who wanted me to ask everyone on the knot. She just received an invite in the mail for a wedding addressed to her.

Background story: She was in a pretty serious relationship for 5 months and they recently broke up (I believe about 2 weeks ago). She said that she received a STD a while ago and the bride had let her know (not in writing) it was for her and her ex-bf. 

Now she has possibly sparked a new romance with someone else. They are going on their first date this Friday. The wedding is at the end of February and the RSVP date is two weeks before that. 

My friend said that her invite arrived late and she thinks it is because she told the bride she had broken up with her ex and they had to change the wording on the envelope (these invites are home made).

She wants to know, if things go well with this guy, would it be rude to ask the bride if she can bring him to the wedding? She has three weeks before she has to send in the RSVP. Technically she and her ex were invited through the STD but obviously he is not going but the bride anticipated a space for him at the time, so I am going to go out on a limb and say that his spot was budgeted for. 

I told her I didn't think it would be rude because people enter new relationships in between invites going out and wedding dates all the time BUT I wanted to make sure with you guys before saying "yes, you're in the clear and you will not be breaking etiquette."

EDIT: Just for clarification - this is the same friend who is going to the bridal shower and bachelorete party so while she isn't best friends with the bride she is close with her. I don't know if that changes the situation or not.

teddygirl9

absolutely no idea on ettiquite, but isnt that jumping the gun a bit? They haven't even gone a single date and she's already planning on bringing him to her friends wedding?

whovianstark

If it were my wedding I'd be fine with it as long as she considers this person a "significant other". I'm budgeting for even the people who have been single for years to bring an SO so it wouldn't bother me if the invitation was addressed to JUST them as long as they asked me before the RSVP deadline.

ChemFanatic25

teddygirl9 said:

absolutely no idea on ettiquite, but isnt that jumping the gun a bit? They haven't even gone a single date and she's already planning on bringing him to her friends wedding?

I mentioned that to her but she kind of shrugged it off. She likes to plan things really far out in advance so I think that's why she was asking. I told her that I'd probably prefer going alone particularly since she knows tons of people at the wedding.

lyndausvi

I gave everyone a +1.  So in her case I would have changed the ex's name to "and guest" on the envelope.  

However, I found out that I seem to be more generous than others in that way of thinking.  Many people hate the idea of random dates or people they do not know coming to their wedding.   

I say see what the envelope says.   If it has "and guest" she can bring him.  If not I would not ask.  They haven't even had their first date yet, so the couple is under no obligation to invite her with a date. 

ChemFanatic25

lyndausvi said:

I gave everyone a +1.  So in her case I would have changed the ex's name to "and guest" on the envelope.  

However, I found out that I seem to be more generous than others in that way of thinking.  Many people hate the idea of random dates or people they do not know coming to their wedding.   

I say see what the envelope says.   If it has "and guest" she can bring him.  If not I would not ask.  They haven't even had their first date yet, so the couple is under no obligation to invite her with a date. 

So the envelope was addressed to her only. She said that several other people received invites with just their names on it but they were told their SO's were invited as well.

lyndausvi

Well then they addressed the envelope wrong.

Also, she doesn't have a SO.  All she has is a date lined up. Not even a boyfriend.  A possible date in the future (as we know plans change)  I would say go alone.   

ChemFanatic25

lyndausvi said:

Well then they addressed the envelope wrong.

Also, she doesn't have a SO.  All she has is a date lined up. Not even a boyfriend.  A possible date in the future (as we know plans change)  I would say go alone.   

Okay, I think she may still ask but I'll tell her she should not ask and just go alone.

lyndausvi

ChemFanatic25 said:

Well then they addressed the envelope wrong.

Also, she doesn't have a SO.  All she has is a date lined up. Not even a boyfriend.  A possible date in the future (as we know plans change)  I would say go alone.   

Okay, I think she may still ask but I'll tell her she should not ask and just go alone.

So this thread is kind-of pointless.

As I said, I allowed everyone to bring a date, companion, fuck buddy I've never met.    Others are not as generous. Either for budget reasons or they just didn't want to.

If she is comfortable asking, then ask.  I would never ask if I can bring a date if it wasn't on the envelope.  An established SO, yes.  But I'm not going to ask my friend if I can maybe bring I guy I haven't even gone out on a date with.    

I'm also not the type who is going to ask a guy I just started dating if he wants to go to a wedding next month.  Way too desperate for me.  

ChemFanatic25

lyndausvi said:

ChemFanatic25 said:

lyndausvi said:

Well then they addressed the envelope wrong.

Also, she doesn't have a SO.  All she has is a date lined up. Not even a boyfriend.  A possible date in the future (as we know plans change)  I would say go alone.   

Okay, I think she may still ask but I'll tell her she should not ask and just go alone.

So this thread is kind-of pointless.

As I said, I allowed everyone to bring a date, companion, fuck buddy I've never met.    Others are not as generous. Either for budget reasons or they just didn't want to.

If she is comfortable asking, then ask.  I would never ask if I can bring a date if it wasn't on the envelope.  An established SO, yes.  But I'm not going to ask my friend if I can maybe bring I guy I haven't even gone out on a date with.    

I'm also not the type who is going to ask a guy I just started dating if he wants to go to a wedding next month.  Way too desperate for me.  

Yeah :-/ I didn't see the reason of asking honestly but she ended the conversation with wanting me to ask anyway so maybe she'lol change her mind when I tell her.

xx802xx

Little early to jump the gun...but if she hits it off well and wanted to ask the very new boyfriend the awkward question of going to a wedding when they barely know each other...since the wedding invite stated her name only she should ask a bridesmaid to ask the couple or if close enough, dare to ask the couple personally. Since they may have been originally expecting her ex to come to begin with it might not be a problem... but they also may not be expecting a stranger. But, since the invite only has her name on it now, she should assume it is for her only.

PrettyGirlLost

lyndausvi said:

I gave everyone a +1.  So in her case I would have changed the ex's name to "and guest" on the envelope.  

However, I found out that I seem to be more generous than others in that way of thinking.  Many people hate the idea of random dates or people they do not know coming to their wedding.   

I say see what the envelope says.   If it has "and guest" she can bring him.  If not I would not ask.  They haven't even had their first date yet, so the couple is under no obligation to invite her with a date. 

This.

Does the Bride know she has a new BF?  If she doesn't, she might be fine with your friend bringing him.  But if they are not that close or they don't have the type of relationship where your friend feels comfortable just asking the Bride, I wouldn't do it.

PrettyGirlLost

lyndausvi said:

ChemFanatic25 said:

Well then they addressed the envelope wrong.

Also, she doesn't have a SO.  All she has is a date lined up. Not even a boyfriend.  A possible date in the future (as we know plans change)  I would say go alone.   

Okay, I think she may still ask but I'll tell her she should not ask and just go alone.

So this thread is kind-of pointless.

As I said, I allowed everyone to bring a date, companion, fuck buddy I've never met.    Others are not as generous. Either for budget reasons or they just didn't want to.

If she is comfortable asking, then ask.  I would never ask if I can bring a date if it wasn't on the envelope.  An established SO, yes.  But I'm not going to ask my friend if I can maybe bring I guy I haven't even gone out on a date with.    

I'm also not the type who is going to ask a guy I just started dating if he wants to go to a wedding next month.  Way too desperate for me.  

Yeah this seems like a huge level jump, lol.

redoryx

Going through a break-up around the same time as wedding stuff is awkward and annoying and painful and you can be in such a vulnerable spot that it's easy to get a little swept up in the possibility of a new somebody, but, honestly, she's really jumping the gun here. Like, really jumping the gun. It sounds like the STD and the invitation are addressed only to her and while I understand she had verbal confirmation from the bride that her ex was invited, the invitation came to her alone. She hasn't even gone out with this guy yet and she's already planning on inviting him to a wedding she doesn't even have a + 1 for.

If she's going to ask no matter what, I'd at least tell her to wait until right before the RSVP deadline because by then she should have gone out with him at least enough to know if they hit it off well enough to continue going out. It's possible the guest list changed after she told them she and her ex broke up and they didn't plan on her bringing anyone else, but closer to the RSVP they may have had declines and are able to fit this new guy in.

ChemFanatic25

redoryx said:

Going through a break-up around the same time as wedding stuff is awkward and annoying and painful and you can be in such a vulnerable spot that it's easy to get a little swept up in the possibility of a new somebody, but, honestly, she's really jumping the gun here. Like, really jumping the gun. It sounds like the STD and the invitation are addressed only to her and while I understand she had verbal confirmation from the bride that her ex was invited, the invitation came to her alone. She hasn't even gone out with this guy yet and she's already planning on inviting him to a wedding she doesn't even have a + 1 for.

If she's going to ask no matter what, I'd at least tell her to wait until right before the RSVP deadline because by then she should have gone out with him at least enough to know if they hit it off well enough to continue going out. It's possible the guest list changed after she told them she and her ex broke up and they didn't plan on her bringing anyone else, but closer to the RSVP they may have had declines and are able to fit this new guy in.

Yeah, after posting this and reading everyone's responses I am most definitely going to tell her she should probably just go to the wedding alone even if she becomes more serious with the guy. She will know people there so it won't be like she is all alone.

jacques27

Well, she could show her future date this thread about how she's already planning to take him to wedding next month despite not having had a date with him.  That'll probably send him running and resolve the problem itself...albeit not in the way she hoped.

ChemFanatic25

jacques27 said:

Well, she could show her future date this thread about how she's already planning to take him to wedding next month despite not having had a date with him.  That'll probably send him running and resolve the problem itself...albeit not in the way she hoped.

I don't want to do that. She is very excited about this upcoming date and she hasn't had the best of luck with men. I just don't want her to put herself or the bride in an awkward position.

[Deleted User]

If she is going to know other people there I say she should go by herself & hang out with her friends. Now if she isn't going to know anyone, then I might consider asking the bride if I could bring a guest. But I'm not sure if I would ask a guy that I haven't been out on a single date with yet. I would probably ask a friend who likes to dance like I do. Reason being, wedding = open bar and she doesn't know this guy well enough to know how he will act with an open bar & is the wedding of a friend the place you really want to find out?

Maggie0829

ChemFanatic25 said:

Well, she could show her future date this thread about how she's already planning to take him to wedding next month despite not having had a date with him.  That'll probably send him running and resolve the problem itself...albeit not in the way she hoped.

I don't want to do that. She is very excited about this upcoming date and she hasn't had the best of luck with men. I just don't want her to put herself or the bride in an awkward position.

Pretty sure jacques was being facetious (well, mostly facetious).

ChemFanatic25

Erikan73 said:

If she is going to know other people there I say she should go by herself & hang out with her friends. Now if she isn't going to know anyone, then I might consider asking the bride if I could bring a guest. But I'm not sure if I would ask a guy that I haven't been out on a single date with yet. I would probably ask a friend who likes to dance like I do. Reason being, wedding = open bar and she doesn't know this guy well enough to know how he will act with an open bar & is the wedding of a friend the place you really want to find out?

I told her this because I personally would not be comfortable bringing someone to a wedding if I was dating them less than a month, probably even longer than that just because it has a tone of seriousness to it, at least that is how I view it. Anyway, she explained that everyone that she knows who is going is bringing their SO and she will be the only one who will be alone. I highly doubt that, because I've been to weddings where someone didn't bring their SO because they were busy or had something else demanding their time that took precedence. I can't seem to convince her otherwise. She has stated she will see how she feels as time draws closer for the RSVP due date.

 

Maggie0829 said:

ChemFanatic25 said:

Well, she could show her future date this thread about how she's already planning to take him to wedding next month despite not having had a date with him.  That'll probably send him running and resolve the problem itself...albeit not in the way she hoped.

I don't want to do that. She is very excited about this upcoming date and she hasn't had the best of luck with men. I just don't want her to put herself or the bride in an awkward position.

Pretty sure jacques was being facetious (well, mostly facetious).

Yeah I know but I wanted to make it clear why I wasn't going to suggest that. I know it's all in good fun.

ChemFanatic25

Oh shoot! I should have also mentioned to her that she just got out of a serious relationship. It might be a good idea to just slow her roll and enjoy things as they are. I most definitely did tell her to just go alone and have fun, especially since she knows people at the wedding.

short+sassy

I actually had a friend in a bit of a similar situation for my wedding.  I had a small wedding and I knew she wouldn't really know anyone there except for myself and my DH, so I verbally told her before the invites went out that she could bring a "plus one".  I didn't have STDs.  She had verbally told me she was going to bring one of her BFFs.

Then she was talking about a guy she had started dating and...hmm, she might bring him...but wasn't sure herself about the relationship when the invite went out.  Her invite was addressed "& Guest".  Perhaps a slight etiquette faux pas, but I didn't want to put his name specifically on the invite, because even she was just not that sure about things yet.  For me personally, I just wanted her to invite whomever she would feel most comfortable bringing.

For your friend, if things hopefully go well with new guy, she'll probably chit-chat about him at the bachelorette party and/or shower.  And, if I was the bride and had room at the reception, I would probably throw out a, "Oh, did you want to bring him?  I'd love to meet him.  If so, please let me know by X date."  But, at this point with the invitations already sent out, she needs to just plan to go on her own unless the bride happens to hear of the new guy and then says something about it.

Not to mention, I could see a lot of people seeing being asked to a wedding by someone they had just started dating as too serious and "rushing things".  

SP29

Technically, if the bride told your friend that she and John Smith (bf at the time) are invited (addressed to specific people), and then they broke up, the invitation is not transferable. 

However, if the invitation was addressed to friend + guest, then your friend can invite anyone she wants.

Since friend was single when the invites were sent, bride is not required to accommodate friend (though would be a nice gesture IF friend and guy were in a relationship- remember, lots of people get serious quick, just because many wouldn't ask a guy they were dating for a month to attend a wedding with them, others are getting engaged at that time point).

Sounds like the invitation is addressed to only friend. Thus I would assume only friend. But it does make it awkward that others were incorrectly invited.... 

I think if friend is close enough to the bride that the bride would find out she has a new bf, then the bride can make the offer to invite him. If they aren't close enough that the bride would find out, then I think it would be presumptous to ask. 

ChemFanatic25

SP29 said:

Technically, if the bride told your friend that she and John Smith (bf at the time) are invited (addressed to specific people), and then they broke up, the invitation is not transferable. 

However, if the invitation was addressed to friend + guest, then your friend can invite anyone she wants.

Since friend was single when the invites were sent, bride is not required to accommodate friend (though would be a nice gesture IF friend and guy were in a relationship- remember, lots of people get serious quick, just because many wouldn't ask a guy they were dating for a month to attend a wedding with them, others are getting engaged at that time point).

Sounds like the invitation is addressed to only friend. Thus I would assume only friend. But it does make it awkward that others were incorrectly invited.... 

I think if friend is close enough to the bride that the bride would find out she has a new bf, then the bride can make the offer to invite him. If they aren't close enough that the bride would find out, then I think it would be presumptous to ask. 

Yeah, the way the bride did it was very confusing with addressing the invites to specific people but then informing them their SO's were invited as well.  My friend did not receive this same note though.

I don't know how close they are though she has been invited to the bridal shower and bachelorrette party.

She said she is going to wait and see how things go. She doesn't want to go to the wedding alone and be a third wheel. I've talked to her about it but I don't want to push it because I don't want to come off as aggressive.

danamw

short+sassy said:

Not to mention, I could see a lot of people seeing being asked to a wedding by someone they had just started dating as too serious and "rushing things".  

s+s, you are so right. I dated in the 80's, and in the circle I ran with, the guys were very into their freedom, and didn't commit to anything more than a week away. It is rude to the bride, for a guest to keep a "plus 1" invitation open until a day or 2 before the wedding.

Maybe it was the times, or the guys I knew or my age; I was in my 30's then. I would not have had a date at a wedding, if I had no firm SO. I would have gone alone.

ChemFanatic25

short+sassy said:

I actually had a friend in a bit of a similar situation for my wedding.  I had a small wedding and I knew she wouldn't really know anyone there except for myself and my DH, so I verbally told her before the invites went out that she could bring a "plus one".  I didn't have STDs.  She had verbally told me she was going to bring one of her BFFs.

Then she was talking about a guy she had started dating and...hmm, she might bring him...but wasn't sure herself about the relationship when the invite went out.  Her invite was addressed "& Guest".  Perhaps a slight etiquette faux pas, but I didn't want to put his name specifically on the invite, because even she was just not that sure about things yet.  For me personally, I just wanted her to invite whomever she would feel most comfortable bringing.

For your friend, if things hopefully go well with new guy, she'll probably chit-chat about him at the bachelorette party and/or shower.  And, if I was the bride and had room at the reception, I would probably throw out a, "Oh, did you want to bring him?  I'd love to meet him.  If so, please let me know by X date."  But, at this point with the invitations already sent out, she needs to just plan to go on her own unless the bride happens to hear of the new guy and then says something about it.

Not to mention, I could see a lot of people seeing being asked to a wedding by someone they had just started dating as too serious and "rushing things".  

As an update: At this point my friend has gone on her date with the guy and she told me right before the date that the bride was really excited about her going on this date. I don't know if this is what you meant or actually mentioning inviting the guy?

lyndausvi

ChemFanatic25 said:

short+sassy said:

I actually had a friend in a bit of a similar situation for my wedding.  I had a small wedding and I knew she wouldn't really know anyone there except for myself and my DH, so I verbally told her before the invites went out that she could bring a "plus one".  I didn't have STDs.  She had verbally told me she was going to bring one of her BFFs.

Then she was talking about a guy she had started dating and...hmm, she might bring him...but wasn't sure herself about the relationship when the invite went out.  Her invite was addressed "& Guest".  Perhaps a slight etiquette faux pas, but I didn't want to put his name specifically on the invite, because even she was just not that sure about things yet.  For me personally, I just wanted her to invite whomever she would feel most comfortable bringing.

For your friend, if things hopefully go well with new guy, she'll probably chit-chat about him at the bachelorette party and/or shower.  And, if I was the bride and had room at the reception, I would probably throw out a, "Oh, did you want to bring him?  I'd love to meet him.  If so, please let me know by X date."  But, at this point with the invitations already sent out, she needs to just plan to go on her own unless the bride happens to hear of the new guy and then says something about it.

Not to mention, I could see a lot of people seeing being asked to a wedding by someone they had just started dating as too serious and "rushing things".  

As an update: At this point my friend has gone on her date with the guy and she told me right before the date that the bride was really excited about her going on this date. I don't know if this is what you meant or actually mentioning inviting the guy?

I think your friend is thinking about this way too much.  

ChemFanatic25

lyndausvi said:

ChemFanatic25 said:

short+sassy said:

I actually had a friend in a bit of a similar situation for my wedding.  I had a small wedding and I knew she wouldn't really know anyone there except for myself and my DH, so I verbally told her before the invites went out that she could bring a "plus one".  I didn't have STDs.  She had verbally told me she was going to bring one of her BFFs.

Then she was talking about a guy she had started dating and...hmm, she might bring him...but wasn't sure herself about the relationship when the invite went out.  Her invite was addressed "& Guest".  Perhaps a slight etiquette faux pas, but I didn't want to put his name specifically on the invite, because even she was just not that sure about things yet.  For me personally, I just wanted her to invite whomever she would feel most comfortable bringing.

For your friend, if things hopefully go well with new guy, she'll probably chit-chat about him at the bachelorette party and/or shower.  And, if I was the bride and had room at the reception, I would probably throw out a, "Oh, did you want to bring him?  I'd love to meet him.  If so, please let me know by X date."  But, at this point with the invitations already sent out, she needs to just plan to go on her own unless the bride happens to hear of the new guy and then says something about it.

Not to mention, I could see a lot of people seeing being asked to a wedding by someone they had just started dating as too serious and "rushing things".  

As an update: At this point my friend has gone on her date with the guy and she told me right before the date that the bride was really excited about her going on this date. I don't know if this is what you meant or actually mentioning inviting the guy?

I think your friend is thinking about this way too much.  

Yeah unfortunately I think you're right :-/ 

rcher912

haha, your friend is way overthinking this, poor girl. I wish her the best of luck with that guy.

For my own guest list, I have to admit, I'm not going to do that "& Guest" thing for singles. Our budget is tight, and I've had to eliminate some people I'd really like to see there due to the that. To have someone come that I don't even know - that my friend barely even knows yet - would just drive home the fact that there were others I couldn't see that day. ("I got this guy instead of my friend Susie? Really?" Maybe I'm a bitch but eh.)

She'll have a blast with the guy, and a blast at the wedding, and the two should remain separate. If, five months down the line, there's another wedding - by all means, ask. But not yet.

WhatawagSBNy

Asking about someone you have not had a date with is pushing it.