Wedding Etiquette Forum

Thank you wording-family partially attended

I am in the process of writing our wedding thank you notes and am running out of wording ideas! I am writing a note to a family who three out of the 5 members attended (2 mid 20's adult children did not attend). How can I thank them for the gift and also acknowledge the ones who attended without getting too wordy or sounding snarky towards the 2 who didn't come?

Thanks in advance! :-)
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Re: Thank you wording-family partially attended

  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Just address it to the ones who attended.



  • I disagree.  I think it should be to whoever the card was signed from.  Was the gift from the whole family? Or just those who attended?  That being said, I'd just make the line about attending very generic... "I'm so glad you could be a part of our special day" or something like that without drawing attention to who was/wasn't there.
    dramamonkey
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    mlg78 said:

    I disagree.  I think it should be to whoever the card was signed from.  Was the gift from the whole family? Or just those who attended?  That being said, I'd just make the line about attending very generic... "I'm so glad you could be a part of our special day" or something like that without drawing attention to who was/wasn't there.

    A lot of families have a system where one person signs a card or note for the whole family, but one or more of the other members may not even know about it. Or if it isn't a system, it just happens naturally. So I would not address the card to everyone whose name is listed in the signature, especially if any of them weren't there. I'd just address the thank-you to those who attended.
    runsonveggies
  • The 'children' are adults and should thus have gotten their own invitations anyway. Address it to the three who attended.
    image
    missxasia
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Address the thank you note to whomever signed the card. If the card was signed by all of them, thank them for their generous gift and say that the ones that didn't attend were missed. 
    mlg78Fran1985 SP29badbnagdway
  • Jen4948 said:
    I disagree.  I think it should be to whoever the card was signed from.  Was the gift from the whole family? Or just those who attended?  That being said, I'd just make the line about attending very generic... "I'm so glad you could be a part of our special day" or something like that without drawing attention to who was/wasn't there.
    A lot of families have a system where one person signs a card or note for the whole family, but one or more of the other members may not even know about it. Or if it isn't a system, it just happens naturally. So I would not address the card to everyone whose name is listed in the signature, especially if any of them weren't there. I'd just address the thank-you to those who attended.
    Just because someone didn't attend doesn't mean they didn't contribute to the gift.
    image
  • "The Smith Family
    123 Main Street
    Anywhere, USA"

    "Thank you so much for your kind gift. We're very excited to use the XYZ for ABCD. We had a lot of fun dancing with Jane and John at the wedding! Thanks again!"
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    newvalleydanamwSP29ginnybinny17
  • If the gift was signed by parents, 17year old child still living at home, 19 year old child off at college, and 22 year child and his fiancee living away from home, I think you need to send three different thank you cards for the same gift.  "Parents and 17 year old, thanks for the gift.  It was great to see you at the wedding."  "19 year old, thanks for the gift, missed you at the wedding, hope to see you next time you're in town."  22 year old and fiancee, thanks for the gift, we should get together next time I'm in your state."
  • Ok, so Aunt, Uncle, Cousin 2 and Cousin 3 all attended our wedding. Cousin 1 and his wife did not attend. My Aunt and Uncle wrote us a generous check, and signed the card from themselves and my cousins (and the wife) My cousins are all late 20s/early 30s and only one lives at home.

    I wrote 4 thank you cards since everyone involved were adults and, as appropriate, said "so glad you could make it" or "sorry we missed you".
    runsonveggies[Deleted User]SP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    redoryx said:


    Jen4948 said:

    mlg78 said:

    I disagree.  I think it should be to whoever the card was signed from.  Was the gift from the whole family? Or just those who attended?  That being said, I'd just make the line about attending very generic... "I'm so glad you could be a part of our special day" or something like that without drawing attention to who was/wasn't there.

    A lot of families have a system where one person signs a card or note for the whole family, but one or more of the other members may not even know about it. Or if it isn't a system, it just happens naturally. So I would not address the card to everyone whose name is listed in the signature, especially if any of them weren't there. I'd just address the thank-you to those who attended.

    Just because someone didn't attend doesn't mean they didn't contribute to the gift.

    But it also doesn't mean they did. There's no real way to know. So I think it makes more sense to address the note to those who you know for sure participated other than by just having their name written on the card. If you know for sure that someone who didn't attend did contribute to the gift, by all means add their name.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited January 2015
    mlg78 said:


    Jen4948 said:

    redoryx said:


    Jen4948 said:

    mlg78 said:

    I disagree.  I think it should be to whoever the card was signed from.  Was the gift from the whole family? Or just those who attended?  That being said, I'd just make the line about attending very generic... "I'm so glad you could be a part of our special day" or something like that without drawing attention to who was/wasn't there.

    A lot of families have a system where one person signs a card or note for the whole family, but one or more of the other members may not even know about it. Or if it isn't a system, it just happens naturally. So I would not address the card to everyone whose name is listed in the signature, especially if any of them weren't there. I'd just address the thank-you to those who attended.

    Just because someone didn't attend doesn't mean they didn't contribute to the gift.
    But it also doesn't mean they did. There's no real way to know. So I think it makes more sense to address the note to those who you know for sure participated other than by just having their name written on the card. If you know for sure that someone who didn't attend did contribute to the gift, by all means add their name.

    It's none of your freaking business who "contributed"!  If the card was signed that the gift was from A, B & C...you send thank yous to those individuals...regardless of whether they attended.  Since when are thank you notes based on attendance as opposed to gift giving?


    Oh FFS let it fucking go! I'm not even the only person who disagrees with you in this thread.

    To give you an example, one time my SIL and I bought some gifts for our mothers. We signed our own names to the cards but my SIL added my brother's name. He not only did not contribute, he wasn't even there when we gave them and did not in any way participate in their selection. So why the fuck should he be thanked for it just because my SIL put his name on the card? He had nothing the fuck to do with that gift other than his name being on the card.

    So, if someone's name is on a gift card for a gift who wasn't there, I would not automatically include their names on a thank-you. It's situational.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    mlg78 said:

    One person agreed with you, Jen...many others didn't...and you're the one who has persisted.

    It's not up to the bride and groom to determine who really purchased/put thought into a gift.

    I'm not going to engage you in this anymore because we are not going to agree.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Sorry, but I am not engaging further because as I said, I don't agree and we ate not going to come to agreement.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    OP, don't assume someone didn't contribute if they didn't attend but their name is on the card. Just thank everyone who signed. People can be generous in response to an event even if they can't make the trip to the event itself, and they should be thanked for it.
    Jen4948 said:
    Oh FFS let it fucking go! I'm not even the only person who disagrees with you in this thread. To give you an example, one time my SIL and I bought some gifts for our mothers. We signed our own names to the cards but my SIL added my brother's name. He not only did not contribute, he wasn't even there when we gave them and did not in any way participate in their selection. So why the fuck should he be thanked for it just because my SIL put his name on the card? He had nothing the fuck to do with that gift other than his name being on the card. So, if someone's name is on a gift card for a gift who wasn't there, I would not automatically include their names on a thank-you. It's situational.
    From what I'm seeing, the rationale is you'd leave off people who didn't attend out of fear that someone would get "improper" credit for something to which they didn't contribute, and that might piss off those who really did contribute (because you seem bitter about that, Jen). However, I'm pretty sure the bitterness would be the giver's problem, and that sentiment is probably not shared by those who chose to give credit to the extra person and wrote the extra name to the card.
    mlg78missxasia
  • BrandNewJBrandNewJ member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited January 2015
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Oh FFS let it fucking go! I'm not even the only person who disagrees with you in this thread. To give you an example, one time my SIL and I bought some gifts for our mothers. We signed our own names to the cards but my SIL added my brother's name. He not only did not contribute, he wasn't even there when we gave them and did not in any way participate in their selection. So why the fuck should he be thanked for it just because my SIL put his name on the card? He had nothing the fuck to do with that gift other than his name being on the card. So, if someone's name is on a gift card for a gift who wasn't there, I would not automatically include their names on a thank-you. It's situational.
    Thank you notes need to be given to the people who have given the gift. That means who has signed the card. 

    Jen, in my home I buy all presents and write all cards from both my fiancé and me. Most of the time he has no idea who he has given a gift to. By your logic, I should get the thank you card only. Except in my home, my fiancé is the bread winner. He and I put in similar effort into the gift depending on which part of the process you're looking at. Is your SIL married to your brother? Maybe she signed it from him because he paid her part of the gift. 
    image
    mlg78Maggie0829
  • @Jen4948 - Not trying to start another argument, but I'm curious - in my example above, since the check was from my Aunt and Uncle's checking account, I should only have thanked them? Or them and my two cousins that came, but not my cousin and his wife that did not attend? 

    I'd be willing to wager that my cousins (all of them, even the one that lives with my aunt and uncle) had no idea what we got as a gift from their parents.  I still thanked them anyway. 
    mlg78Maggie0829
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I am thinking someone just doesn't want to admit that they may be wrong here.

    mlg78
  • No one ever got hurt from thanking extra people for gifts they did not contribute to.

    But relationships can be damaged by not giving sincere thanks to anyone who did.

    Stationery is cheap next to the cost of bad feelings.

    And thank you notes are like invitations, adult social units get their own at least. And remembering children is an extra, but how hard is it to write to little Jimmy and say, your mother sent us a beautiful Xxx from your family, and I want each of you to know how much we appreciate it.

    For all you know, 10 year old Jimmy of " & family " is the one who did the on line ordering for his family gift.

    The time you spend arguing about exactly who deserves a note is better spent spreading thank you notes far and wide.
    [Deleted User]SP29dramamonkeymlg78
  • Fran1985 Fran1985 Narnia member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper

    Jen4948 said:
    Sorry, but I am not engaging further because as I said, I don't agree and we ate not going to come to agreement.


    Arent you usually someone who says that etiquette is not opinion? I think this is a clear etiquette rule- you thank everyone who the card says the gift was from. It is really rude to only thank those that attended, and goes against the principle that you thank for the gift, not for attendance.

     

    In your own example, what if your BIL was the only who could attend the event? By your rule, only the brother would get thanked, and not the two people who actually got the gift. By thanking everyone in the note, the only mistake you risk is over thanking. By picking and choosing who on the card to thank, you risk not sending a thank you note that you should be saying. There is a very clear right answer there- it is clearly better to over thank than to risk not thanking at all.

     

    To OP: I think I used wording like this: "Dear Bill, Sarah, Emily and Marie, Thank you so much for the generous wedding gift! The tray is so beautiful- we can't wait to display it in our home. Bill and Sarah it was great to get to see you and catch up, hopefully we can all get together over the holidays"


    image
    southernbelle0915[Deleted User]SP29mlg78
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 2015
    A thank you note is thanking the givers of the gift. Whoever's name is on the card is saying "this gift is also from me". 

    Just because someone may not agree with who's name is on the card is a personal issue, not for the receiver to decide who did and did not contribute. Maybe SIL picked out the gift but brother gave her the money- that's not for the receiver (or anyone else) to judge. 

    It has nothing to do with who purchased the gift, or who showed up to the event. There may be some guests who are unable to attend, but send a gift anyway- does this mean you don't thank them because they didn't come !?!?

    When I was a kid, my parents would buy a gift for each of our aunts and uncles and us kids would sign the card. My parents bought it because we obviously have no income of our own, but it was meant to be from us. Does this mean our aunt and uncles should only thank my parents? 

    My FIL will give me and DH money to buy his grand-kids presents (ie. birthday or Christmas). It may seem odd, but honestly, it works out better in the end because we buy the kids something they would like and use vs. something random that doesn't get a second look. It's his money, he signs the card and gives it to them, but does that mean he shouldn't be thanked for the gift and we should? 

  • I am thinking someone just doesn't want to admit that they may be wrong here.

    *******************************

    People ask for advice.

    Luckily, we do not hammer at them until they give up and say they were wrong.

    Because that is not a necessary part of the process.

    And just because there is a difference of opinion does not mean one side is right and one side is wrong.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I am thinking someone just doesn't want to admit that they may be wrong here.
    ******************************* People ask for advice.

    Luckily, we do not hammer at them until they give up and say they were wrong.

    Because that is not a necessary part of the process.

    And just because there is a difference of opinion does not mean one side is right and one side is wrong.

    Except on the Etiquette board, where certain things are actually wrong. And if someone has a difference of opinion I would like to see adequate reasoning by which they back it up. If you can't defend your position, you're probably wrong.

    mlg78KatieinBklnMaggie0829slothiegal
  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    I am thinking someone just doesn't want to admit that they may be wrong here.
    ******************************* People ask for advice.

    Luckily, we do not hammer at them until they give up and say they were wrong.

    Because that is not a necessary part of the process.

    And just because there is a difference of opinion does not mean one side is right and one side is wrong.

    Except on the Etiquette board, where certain things are actually wrong. And if someone has a difference of opinion I would like to see adequate reasoning by which they back it up. If you can't defend your position, you're probably wrong.

    I wish I could highlight this and post it at the top of the board.  Followed by the tagline: "JUST DON'T TREAT YOUR GUESTS LIKE SHIT."
    Anniversary

    image
    SP29mlg78[Deleted User]ginnybinny17
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    mlg78 said:
    I disagree.  I think it should be to whoever the card was signed from.  Was the gift from the whole family? Or just those who attended?  That being said, I'd just make the line about attending very generic... "I'm so glad you could be a part of our special day" or something like that without drawing attention to who was/wasn't there.
    Good point - I was assuming that the people who attended were also the only ones that signed the card. 



    mlg78
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