Babies, pregnancy

Knottie9783874

Hi there. I have 1 bridesmaid that plans to get pregnant in the next few months and will be around 6 months in at my wedding. Another girl just told me that she is 12 weeks, which will mean she will have a 3 month old. 

We were not having any children at the wedding other than 2 that will be in the wedding and are older. I have selfish reasons to worry about this of course. As I don't want the first friend to bail last minute- which is a totally valid concern. Also, she will be 6 months pregnant. 

I don't think anyone would want to leave their 3 month old at home, wedding is 2 hours out of town. I'm doing DIY with a lot of things for my wedding. And although I don't want to rely on any of my girls, it would be nice to be able to ask for help. But I just don't think these 2 will be up for any bridal party help. And having to nurse etc the day of and days before. 

Should I just come clean with both and tell them my concerns? I don't want to sound selfish, but I want to make sure we won't have crazy changes last minute. And that I have a bit of support. DIY will be stressful and I would like everyone to calm me down when necessary. 

Don't get me wrong, I love kids, babies etc. I was a nanny and can't wait to have kids. But if I put myself into that situation, I would probably think twice about accepting a bridesmaid role. 

Any advice or tips is very helpful. Thanks!

mrsbizzz

Knottie9783874 said:

Hi there. I have 1 bridesmaid that plans to get pregnant in the next few months and will be around 6 months in at my wedding. Another girl just told me that she is 12 weeks, which will mean she will have a 3 month old. 

We were not having any children at the wedding other than 2 that will be in the wedding and are older. I have selfish reasons to worry about this of course. As I don't want the first friend to bail last minute- which is a totally valid concern. Also, she will be 6 months pregnant. 

I don't think anyone would want to leave their 3 month old at home, wedding is 2 hours out of town. I'm doing DIY with a lot of things for my wedding. And although I don't want to rely on any of my girls, it would be nice to be able to ask for help. But I just don't think these 2 will be up for any bridal party help. And having to nurse etc the day of and days before. 

Should I just come clean with both and tell them my concerns? I don't want to sound selfish, but I want to make sure we won't have crazy changes last minute. And that I have a bit of support. DIY will be stressful and I would like everyone to calm me down when necessary. 

Don't get me wrong, I love kids, babies etc. I was a nanny and can't wait to have kids. But if I put myself into that situation, I would probably think twice about accepting a bridesmaid role. 

Any advice or tips is very helpful. Thanks!

While I understand your desire to have the day go well and to minimize your own stress, I think you are greatly underestimating your friends' ability to gauge their own abilities and availability. If they committed to you, you should trust that they will come through for you. If they are good friends, they will give you ample notice if they are unable to be in the wedding.

Personally, if I was in either friends' situation and you approached me to "express your concerns," I would be offended. You don't get to determine when I procreate based on the fact that I am in your wedding.

Give them the benefit of the doubt and maybe bring in other family members to help with the DIY portion of the event.

On a side note, how much of the event is DIY? I know this is usually a cost-saving measure, but it often causes more stress than it is worth, especially if many people are attending.

Maggie0829

Knottie9783874 said:

Hi there. I have 1 bridesmaid that plans to get pregnant in the next few months and will be around 6 months in at my wedding. Another girl just told me that she is 12 weeks, which will mean she will have a 3 month old. 

We were not having any children at the wedding other than 2 that will be in the wedding and are older. I have selfish reasons to worry about this of course. As I don't want the first friend to bail last minute- which is a totally valid concern. Also, she will be 6 months pregnant. 

I don't think anyone would want to leave their 3 month old at home, wedding is 2 hours out of town. I'm doing DIY with a lot of things for my wedding. And although I don't want to rely on any of my girls, it would be nice to be able to ask for help. But I just don't think these 2 will be up for any bridal party help. And having to nurse etc the day of and days before. 

Should I just come clean with both and tell them my concerns? I don't want to sound selfish, but I want to make sure we won't have crazy changes last minute. And that I have a bit of support. DIY will be stressful and I would like everyone to calm me down when necessary. 

Don't get me wrong, I love kids, babies etc. I was a nanny and can't wait to have kids. But if I put myself into that situation, I would probably think twice about accepting a bridesmaid role. 

Any advice or tips is very helpful. Thanks!

Congrats to both of your dear friends for becoming new Moms!  That is very exciting for them.

All a BM is required to do is buy the dress and show up on time at your wedding.  If one or both of them do not think that they will be able to attend due to being pregnant or having a new baby then they will let you know.  If they have to bail at the last minute because they thought they could do it but can't then you need to be flexible.  I am not sure what crazy changes you will have to make if they decide not to be in the wedding anymore?

And surprisingly, pregnant gals, and those who have just had a baby are more then capable of being in a wedding.  These are supposed to be some or your nearest and dearest friends so instead of being all "what am I going to do?!", why not figure out a way for them both to stay in and be comfortable about it?  If I were you I would allow the one BM to bring her child to the wedding.  No one will question why you let a new Mom bring her 3 month old.  And for the BM who will be 6 months along, just make sure she has a seat at the ceremony if she decides she needs to sit down.  As for the dresses, your best option is to give them a color and length and let all BMs pick a gown that will work best for them.

As for the bolded, that is your FI job.  If you need help, turn to him.  If your BMs want to help they will offer.

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie9783874 said:

Hi there. I have 1 bridesmaid that plans to get pregnant in the next few months and will be around 6 months in at my wedding. Another girl just told me that she is 12 weeks, which will mean she will have a 3 month old.   Grats to both of them!!!

We were not having any children at the wedding other than 2 that will be in the wedding and are older. I have selfish reasons to worry about this of course. As I don't want the first friend to bail last minute- which is a totally valid concern. Also, she will be 6 months pregnant.

I don't think anyone would want to leave their 3 month old at home, wedding is 2 hours out of town. Yeah, you are probably correct.  If I were you, I'd let your friend bring her child since she is in the wedding party and her child will be an infant that is highly dependent on her.  I'm doing DIY with a lot of things for my wedding. And although I don't want to rely on any of my girls, it would be nice to be able to ask for help. If they offer to help you, that's one thing.  But you are going to get told on this board that you can't ask for help from anyone other than your FI.  But I just don't think these 2 will be up for any bridal party help. And having to nurse etc the day of and days before.   Day of and Days before what?  I don't understand what this has to do with anything?

Should I just come clean with both and tell them my concerns? Absolutely not!  What you should do is make sure your friend with the 3 month old knows that she is welcomed to bring the baby to the wedding.  What concerns do you have for your BM who will be 6 months pregnant?  I don't get it?  I don't want to sound selfish, but I want to make sure we won't have crazy changes last minute.   Huh?  What changes?  And that I have a bit of support. DIY will be stressful and I would like everyone to calm me down when necessary.   Then you ask your FI to help you with your projects.  It's your wedding and his wedding, not your bridal party's wedding.  And it's not anyone else's job to calm you down.  You are an adult, so you need to figure out who to calm yourself down.  Take a Xanax, drink some wine, go get a massage.

Don't get me wrong, I love kids, babies etc. I was a nanny and can't wait to have kids. But if I put myself into that situation, I would probably think twice about accepting a bridesmaid role.  So no one who is considering having kids should accept being in a wedding?

Any advice or tips is very helpful. Thanks!

You need to relax, honestly.

I got married last fall and I had several kids in attendance ranging in age from 6 months old to 7 years old.  During my ceremony the 6 moth old started to cry and guess what?  Number 1, it really wasn't a distraction to us up at the altar, and 2 someone promptly left the church with him until he calmed down.  Also during our ceremony one of the 3 year old Flower Girls, who is normally very shy and quiet, decided she would talk and sing during the entire mass, much to the horror of her mother!  It was actually pretty freaking funny the tiny bits and pieces would could hear every once and a while.  And it on now way detracted from or ruined our wedding day.

There is nothing wrong with having a child free wedding, but I feel that rational, empathetic people need to be considerate of their friends and family who have infants- especially when they are traveling from OOT and are in the wedding party.

PrettyGirlLost

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie9783874 said:

Hi there. I have 1 bridesmaid that plans to get pregnant in the next few months and will be around 6 months in at my wedding. Another girl just told me that she is 12 weeks, which will mean she will have a 3 month old. 

We were not having any children at the wedding other than 2 that will be in the wedding and are older. I have selfish reasons to worry about this of course. As I don't want the first friend to bail last minute- which is a totally valid concern. Also, she will be 6 months pregnant. 

I don't think anyone would want to leave their 3 month old at home, wedding is 2 hours out of town. I'm doing DIY with a lot of things for my wedding. And although I don't want to rely on any of my girls, it would be nice to be able to ask for help. But I just don't think these 2 will be up for any bridal party help. And having to nurse etc the day of and days before. 

Should I just come clean with both and tell them my concerns? I don't want to sound selfish, but I want to make sure we won't have crazy changes last minute. And that I have a bit of support. DIY will be stressful and I would like everyone to calm me down when necessary. 

Don't get me wrong, I love kids, babies etc. I was a nanny and can't wait to have kids. But if I put myself into that situation, I would probably think twice about accepting a bridesmaid role. 

Any advice or tips is very helpful. Thanks!

Congrats to both of your dear friends for becoming new Moms!  That is very exciting for them.

All a BM is required to do is buy the dress and show up on time at your wedding.  If one or both of them do not think that they will be able to attend due to being pregnant or having a new baby then they will let you know.  If they have to bail at the last minute because they thought they could do it but can't then you need to be flexible.  I am not sure what crazy changes you will have to make if they decide not to be in the wedding anymore?

And surprisingly, pregnant gals, and those who have just had a baby are more then capable of being in a wedding.  These are supposed to be some or your nearest and dearest friends so instead of being all "what am I going to do?!", why not figure out a way for them both to stay in and be comfortable about it?  If I were you I would allow the one BM to bring her child to the wedding.  No one will question why you let a new Mom bring her 3 month old.  And for the BM who will be 6 months along, just make sure she has a seat at the ceremony if she decides she needs to sit down.  As for the dresses, your best option is to give them a color and length and let all BMs pick a gown that will work best for them.

As for the bolded, that is your FI job.  If you need help, turn to him.  If your BMs want to help they will offer.

So much this.  In fact, let your entire wedding party sit down.  There is no reason to make people stand for 20 or 30 minutes or more.  It's uncomfortable to those who are not pregnant too.

I have told this story before, but I was in a wedding a few years ago where the FSIL of the bride was like 7 or 8 months pregnant and the Bride wanted us all to stand throughout the entire ceremony.  Her FSIL could not endure standing for 10mins during the rehearsal, so you'd think the Bride would see that and realize that her FSIL needed to sit during the ceremony and change her plans up. 

Nope.

When it was clear during the rehearsal the Bride was stuck on this plan, I mentioned to another BM and the wedding coordinator that I thought FSIL would be more comfortable sitting during the actual wedding ceremony.  In fact, I told them, we'd all prefer to sit.  I was told that it was the Bride's day and that was not her vision.

So the Bride ended up with some really great photos of her FSIL beginning to pass out and fall over during a critical moment in the ceremony, and her FMIL, FGrandMIL, and her own father rushing up to the altar to catch FSIL.

GG, Bride.  Glad you maintained your vision.  And shame on you Groom for not insisting your super pregnant sister should be allowed to freaking sit down.

flantastic

I will have a 1-month-old at the wedding of a friend this fall. I accepted her before I knew I was pregnant, and if she had waited and asked now I would still accept, assuming the baby gets to come to the wedding. Travel might be a bitch, fitting the dress might be a bitch, but I will work that out. I would also expect my friend to be accommodating as much as she can - meaning, if I say I'll meet up with you midway through getting ready, that's gotta be okay.

She knows I want to be there for her, because I'm willing to do all that stuff, and in return she's willing to be accommodating where she can.

If your friends are BMs, and they can't help you with your stuff (which is not her responsibility in any case), how is that any different than if they are not BMs and therefore don't help you with your stuff?

novella1186

Do not address your concerns to them. You'll likely sound incredibly selfish and could hurt their feelings. 

They don't owe you any help on DIY projects or any other wedding prep. If they want to help then great! If they're not able to help, who cares? They don't need to. 

Being pregnant will not affect the BM's ability to walk down an aisle and back. And since she's not pregnant at the moment (if I read that correctly) then she may not even be at 6 months at your wedding. She could be 3 months, or 0 months. No need to worry about something that hasn't even happened yet. And side note, I had a former boss who worked a minimum of 10 hour days, on her feet all day, going up and down stairs and dealing with stressful situations and running all over the place-- while pregnant-- up until 3 days before her due date. She was fine, was capable of all of it, and delivered a very healthy baby. No problem. 

As for the girl who will have a 3-month-old at that time, I know you don't want kids at your wedding but it would be really nice of you to allow her baby to be there. She's going to need to nurse multiple times throughout the day/evening and it would probably put a lot of stress on her to have to run back and forth to the hotel, as I've heard other BMs who are nursing say they've had to do. Or she just won't stick around for much of the reception. Cut her some slack. She, too, will have the ability to wear a dress and walk a straight line, regardless of motherhood status. 

Stop stressing about this. It is not your issue to stress about. These BMs will know what they can and can't handle, and they know how to speak for themselves. Let them decide for themselves what they can do. I'm sure if they have an issue, they'll come to you with it. Otherwise leave them alone and respect the big amazing things that are going on in their own lives. 

Your wedding is YOUR wedding, and it is ONE day. It's not worth hurting the feelings of these two women. (Not accusing you of doing so, just saying that if you assume they're not capable of things and you "tell them your concerns" you could seriously make them feel bad) 

southernbelle0915

1) You choosing to do a lot of DIY for your wedding is your problem... not theirs. They are not brideslaves and they are not obligated to help you with DIY. People you should ask for DIY help: your fiance and/or a paid wedding planner.

2) If you don't want to invite children to your wedding, you don't have to. This includes the 3 month old. If you want to make an exception for your friend, fine. But you don't have to. 

3) Do not express your concerns. They're extremely self-involved and almost laughably selfish. 

I'm pregnant right now. If I were a BM and the bride was like "I'm concerned you can't help me DIY for my wedding and that you won't be paying enough attention to me because you'll be nursing." I'd be like "Are you fucking kidding me? I'm pregnant/have a child. I have other concerns and stuff to do. My baby is more important than your escort cards believe it or not." And it would damage my relationship with the person because I would realize how self-centered they were. 

Knottie9783874

Firstly, thank you flantastic and novella1186 for your responses. They were very helpful. 

Second, I apparently struck a cord with some and obviously did not include enough information. Sorry, I was a little overwhelmed when writing this and didn't express myself correctly. 

Remember girls, this is a place to discuss and get advice from other brides that are going through or went through this. Do not attack someone for having concerns. Weddings are STRESSFUL! And when you ask people to be in your party and then they say "I'm pregnant" or will be, there is some stress on my part! With just cause! 

Mainly because I have to have 5 people in my party, fiance won't allow less than him. I am concerned people will decide not be be in it, even if it's 6 months before that sucks! And I don't want to make another friend feel bad if I ask them last minute(6 months is last minute to me). That I think is a little rude. I'd like the heads up now. Not too much to ask. 

I WAS NOT planning on asking anyone to help with anything. I actually TURNED DOWN help from my MOH. She lives out of state and offered to come the week before to help. I said no. Only DIY really is flowers and not much because it will be at a very beautiful winery. But I've been in bridal parties before (for a bridesmaid) and you do a lot! Well I did anyways. Seems like some of you did not.

What I do expect is to have a bridal party that is there for events (spa the day before the wedding) and there for the wedding. We are not having a bridal shower, or a separate bachelorette party so that my girls don't have to do too much!! 

I want the girls to come the day before the wedding and hang out, go to the spa etc. Because you know what, weddings are about sharing a wonderful day with people you love. 

I am not being that selfish with what I expect from them- which is basically nothing.  

I'm also not worried about a baby crying. We will most likely have another infant attending. Not my concern. 

redoryx

Knottie9783874 said:

Hi there. I have 1 bridesmaid that plans to get pregnant in the next few months and will be around 6 months in at my wedding. Another girl just told me that she is 12 weeks, which will mean she will have a 3 month old. 

We were not having any children at the wedding other than 2 that will be in the wedding and are older. I have selfish reasons to worry about this of course. As I don't want the first friend to bail last minute- which is a totally valid concern. Also, she will be 6 months pregnant. 

I don't think anyone would want to leave their 3 month old at home, wedding is 2 hours out of town. I'm doing DIY with a lot of things for my wedding. And although I don't want to rely on any of my girls, it would be nice to be able to ask for help. But I just don't think these 2 will be up for any bridal party help. And having to nurse etc the day of and days before. 

Should I just come clean with both and tell them my concerns? I don't want to sound selfish, but I want to make sure we won't have crazy changes last minute. And that I have a bit of support. DIY will be stressful and I would like everyone to calm me down when necessary. 

Don't get me wrong, I love kids, babies etc. I was a nanny and can't wait to have kids. But if I put myself into that situation, I would probably think twice about accepting a bridesmaid role. 

Any advice or tips is very helpful. Thanks!

Years ago I went to a wedding where the MOH was, like, 8 months pregnant. She looked lovely and everyone survived. Plus, your friend isn't even pregnant yet and may not get pregnant before your wedding so, really, right now you're worrying about something that isn't even an issue yet.

It's great that you've decided to DIY much of your wedding, but that was YOUR decision and if they offer to help, that's great, but it's not okay to ask it of them or expect them (or anyone else in the bridal party) to assist with all of that. If you need help or support you should go to your FI

Knottie9783874

Oh and we do have a wedding planner btw.

Maggie0829

Knottie9783874 said:

Firstly, thank you flantastic and novella1186 for your responses. They were very helpful. 

Second, I apparently struck a cord with some and obviously did not include enough information. Sorry, I was a little overwhelmed when writing this and didn't express myself correctly. 

Remember girls, this is a place to discuss and get advice from other brides that are going through or went through this. Do not attack someone for having concerns. Weddings are STRESSFUL! And when you ask people to be in your party and then they say "I'm pregnant" or will be, there is some stress on my part! With just cause! 

Mainly because I have to have 5 people in my party, fiance won't allow less than him. I am concerned people will decide not be be in it, even if it's 6 months before that sucks! And I don't want to make another friend feel bad if I ask them last minute(6 months is last minute to me). That I think is a little rude. I'd like the heads up now. Not too much to ask. 

I WAS NOT planning on asking anyone to help with anything. I actually TURNED DOWN help from my MOH. She lives out of state and offered to come the week before to help. I said no. Only DIY really is flowers and not much because it will be at a very beautiful winery. But I've been in bridal parties before (for a bridesmaid) and you do a lot! Well I did anyways. Seems like some of you did not.

What I do expect is to have a bridal party that is there for events (spa the day before the wedding) and there for the wedding. We are not having a bridal shower, or a separate bachelorette party so that my girls don't have to do too much!! 

I want the girls to come the day before the wedding and hang out, go to the spa etc. Because you know what, weddings are about sharing a wonderful day with people you love. 

I am not being that selfish with what I expect from them- which is basically nothing.  

I'm also not worried about a baby crying. We will most likely have another infant attending. Not my concern. 

I'm sorry but what the fuck?  What exactly will he do if you have less attendants them him?  Call off the wedding?

And you cannot expect or require they be there for the spa day before your wedding.  If people can't make it due to work or what not you have to accept that and be okay with that.  Yes, weddings are about sharing the day with the people you love.  However, the day before the wedding is NOT included in that.

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie9783874 said:

Firstly, thank you flantastic and novella1186 for your responses. They were very helpful. 

Second, I apparently struck a cord with some and obviously did not include enough information. Sorry, I was a little overwhelmed when writing this and didn't express myself correctly. 

Remember girls, this is a place to discuss and get advice from other brides that are going through or went through this. Do not attack someone for having concerns. Weddings are STRESSFUL! And when you ask people to be in your party and then they say "I'm pregnant" or will be, there is some stress on my part! With just cause! 

Mainly because I have to have 5 people in my party, fiance won't allow less than him. I am concerned people will decide not be be in it, even if it's 6 months before that sucks! And I don't want to make another friend feel bad if I ask them last minute(6 months is last minute to me). That I think is a little rude. I'd like the heads up now. Not too much to ask. 

I WAS NOT planning on asking anyone to help with anything. I actually TURNED DOWN help from my MOH. She lives out of state and offered to come the week before to help. I said no. Only DIY really is flowers and not much because it will be at a very beautiful winery. But I've been in bridal parties before (for a bridesmaid) and you do a lot! Well I did anyways. Seems like some of you did not.

What I do expect is to have a bridal party that is there for events (spa the day before the wedding) and there for the wedding. We are not having a bridal shower, or a separate bachelorette party so that my girls don't have to do too much!! 

I want the girls to come the day before the wedding and hang out, go to the spa etc. Because you know what, weddings are about sharing a wonderful day with people you love. 

I am not being that selfish with what I expect from them- which is basically nothing.  

I'm also not worried about a baby crying. We will most likely have another infant attending. Not my concern. 

Oh Hey, YOU'RE WELCOME!

I gave you advice too ><

Maggie0829

PrettyGirlLost said:

Knottie9783874 said:

Firstly, thank you flantastic and novella1186 for your responses. They were very helpful. 

Second, I apparently struck a cord with some and obviously did not include enough information. Sorry, I was a little overwhelmed when writing this and didn't express myself correctly. 

Remember girls, this is a place to discuss and get advice from other brides that are going through or went through this. Do not attack someone for having concerns. Weddings are STRESSFUL! And when you ask people to be in your party and then they say "I'm pregnant" or will be, there is some stress on my part! With just cause! 

Mainly because I have to have 5 people in my party, fiance won't allow less than him. I am concerned people will decide not be be in it, even if it's 6 months before that sucks! And I don't want to make another friend feel bad if I ask them last minute(6 months is last minute to me). That I think is a little rude. I'd like the heads up now. Not too much to ask. 

I WAS NOT planning on asking anyone to help with anything. I actually TURNED DOWN help from my MOH. She lives out of state and offered to come the week before to help. I said no. Only DIY really is flowers and not much because it will be at a very beautiful winery. But I've been in bridal parties before (for a bridesmaid) and you do a lot! Well I did anyways. Seems like some of you did not.

What I do expect is to have a bridal party that is there for events (spa the day before the wedding) and there for the wedding. We are not having a bridal shower, or a separate bachelorette party so that my girls don't have to do too much!! 

I want the girls to come the day before the wedding and hang out, go to the spa etc. Because you know what, weddings are about sharing a wonderful day with people you love. 

I am not being that selfish with what I expect from them- which is basically nothing.  

I'm also not worried about a baby crying. We will most likely have another infant attending. Not my concern. 

Oh Hey, YOU'RE WELCOME!

I gave you advice too ><

Me too!  Apparently we weren't nice or understanding enough @PrettyGirlLost

Knottie9783874

Gosh, sorry. Those two just stood out to me as being super positive. I have definitely thought about having everyone sit down. My fiancé has a lot of opinions and we will see what he says about that. Lol. He's a director, go figure.

Maggie0829

Knottie9783874 said:

Gosh, sorry. Those two just stood out to me as being super positive. I have definitely thought about having everyone sit down. My fiancé has a lot of opinions and we will see what he says about that. Lol. He's a director, go figure.

Tell him that he is beyond ridiculous to request that.  I mean beyond, beyond ridiculous.  You should not replace people just so he can have even numbers.  These are people with feelings who are supposed to be your closest friends, not hired extras.

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie9783874 said:

Firstly, thank you flantastic and novella1186 for your responses. They were very helpful. 

Second, I apparently struck a cord with some and obviously did not include enough information. Sorry, I was a little overwhelmed when writing this and didn't express myself correctly. 

Remember girls, this is a place to discuss and get advice from other brides that are going through or went through this. Do not attack someone for having concerns. Weddings are STRESSFUL! And when you ask people to be in your party and then they say "I'm pregnant" or will be, there is some stress on my part! With just cause!   What?  Who the heck attacked you?  No one.  We all gave you pretty much the same advice.

Mainly because I have to have 5 people in my party, fiance won't allow less than him. I am concerned people will decide not be be in it, even if it's 6 months before that sucks! And I don't want to make another friend feel bad if I ask them last minute(6 months is last minute to me). That I think is a little rude. I'd like the heads up now. Not too much to ask.   You don't need to have even sides.  If someone drops out, please don't ask someone else to fill in.  That will likely offend the "back up" person.

I WAS NOT planning on asking anyone to help with anything. In your OP you said:
"And although I don't want to rely on any of my girls, it would be nice to be able to ask for help."

So that's why we commented that your DIY projects are your own responsibility.

I actually TURNED DOWN help from my MOH. She lives out of state and offered to come the week before to help. I said no. Only DIY really is flowers and not much because it will be at a very beautiful winery. But I've been in bridal parties before (for a bridesmaid) and you do a lot! Well I did anyways. Seems like some of you did not.

What I do expect is to have a bridal party that is there for events (spa the day before the wedding) and there for the wedding. We are not having a bridal shower, or a separate bachelorette party so that my girls don't have to do too much!!  But you can't expect people to be present to these things.  While the spa day before the wedding sounds like fun to me and yo you, other people may feel differently.  And your wedding party may be busy with their own lives and unable to attend.

I want the girls to come the day before the wedding and hang out, go to the spa etc. Because you know what, weddings are about sharing a wonderful day with people you love.  That sounds nice, but I really think you need to manage your expectations or you may be in for some disappointment and resentment.  While you may want your bridal party to hang out with you before the wedding, they might not want to or they might have other things going on in their lives that they need to attend to.  Plus, by the time your wedding roles around you might actually not want to do a big group thing anymore. You may be too busy with last minute things or you may just want some peace to yourself.

I am not being that selfish with what I expect from them- which is basically nothing.  No one called you selfish.

I'm also not worried about a baby crying. We will most likely have another infant attending. Not my concern.   So then why do you care if your BM brings her 3 month old child or not?

So are you saying that your concerns with your friends who will be pregnant and who will have just had a child boil down to the fact that you are worried they will be too busy with their own lives to hang out with you before the wedding?  Because that's really all I'm getting from these posts.

flantastic

Knottie9783874 said:

Firstly, thank you flantastic and novella1186 for your responses. They were very helpful. 

Second, I apparently struck a cord with some and obviously did not include enough information. Sorry, I was a little overwhelmed when writing this and didn't express myself correctly. 

Remember girls, this is a place to discuss and get advice from other brides that are going through or went through this. Do not attack someone for having concerns. Weddings are STRESSFUL! And when you ask people to be in your party and then they say "I'm pregnant" or will be, there is some stress on my part! With just cause! 

Mainly because I have to have 5 people in my party, fiance won't allow less than him. I am concerned people will decide not be be in it, even if it's 6 months before that sucks! And I don't want to make another friend feel bad if I ask them last minute(6 months is last minute to me). That I think is a little rude. I'd like the heads up now. Not too much to ask. 

I WAS NOT planning on asking anyone to help with anything. I actually TURNED DOWN help from my MOH. She lives out of state and offered to come the week before to help. I said no. Only DIY really is flowers and not much because it will be at a very beautiful winery. But I've been in bridal parties before (for a bridesmaid) and you do a lot! Well I did anyways. Seems like some of you did not.

What I do expect is to have a bridal party that is there for events (spa the day before the wedding) and there for the wedding. We are not having a bridal shower, or a separate bachelorette party so that my girls don't have to do too much!! 

I want the girls to come the day before the wedding and hang out, go to the spa etc. Because you know what, weddings are about sharing a wonderful day with people you love. 

I am not being that selfish with what I expect from them- which is basically nothing.  

I'm also not worried about a baby crying. We will most likely have another infant attending. Not my concern. 

I understand the desire - I always like spending time with the people I love.

I would have loved for my awesome SIL to join us in cocktail hour festivities, but she couldn't because her 3-month-old needed to nurse after the ceremony. My sister/MOH didn't come to my bachelorette party because she's 16 and everyone else was 25+ and she didn't think she'd be that comfortable. 

Those things are life. I can't/shouldn't be upset that they're unable or unwilling to do or come to everything. If the girls can't make the spa day, that sucks, but you have to accept it - you've got no ground to stand on to be angry with them about it. Just spend time with them when you can and cherish it.

ETA Oh gosh, I didn't even see the part where you think you might need even sides or a replacement BM. Your instinct is right on that - replacing a BM would be really rude to the girl who knows she's a second choice and also to the girl who backed out, who now knows she's replaceable. If your FI gets upset about you having fewer BMs than groomsman, tell him that's a ridiculous concern. Because it is.

plainjane0415

Knottie9783874 said:

Firstly, thank you flantastic and novella1186 for your responses. They were very helpful. 

Second, I apparently struck a cord with some and obviously did not include enough information. Sorry, I was a little overwhelmed when writing this and didn't express myself correctly. 

Remember girls, this is a place to discuss and get advice from other brides that are going through or went through this. Do not attack someone for having concerns. Weddings are STRESSFUL! And when you ask people to be in your party and then they say "I'm pregnant" or will be, there is some stress on my part! With just cause! 

Mainly because I have to have 5 people in my party, fiance won't allow less than him. I am concerned people will decide not be be in it, even if it's 6 months before that sucks! And I don't want to make another friend feel bad if I ask them last minute(6 months is last minute to me). That I think is a little rude. I'd like the heads up now. Not too much to ask. 

I WAS NOT planning on asking anyone to help with anything. I actually TURNED DOWN help from my MOH. She lives out of state and offered to come the week before to help. I said no. Only DIY really is flowers and not much because it will be at a very beautiful winery. But I've been in bridal parties before (for a bridesmaid) and you do a lot! Well I did anyways. Seems like some of you did not.

What I do expect is to have a bridal party that is there for events (spa the day before the wedding) and there for the wedding. We are not having a bridal shower, or a separate bachelorette party so that my girls don't have to do too much!! 

I want the girls to come the day before the wedding and hang out, go to the spa etc. Because you know what, weddings are about sharing a wonderful day with people you love. 

I am not being that selfish with what I expect from them- which is basically nothing.  

I'm also not worried about a baby crying. We will most likely have another infant attending. Not my concern. 

To the first bolded, just because you helped out a ton in the weddings you were in, doesn't mean your BM are going to. 

To the second bolded, if you don't think you're being selfish, then why did you ask in your OP if you were coming off or sounding selfish? I don't understand.

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie9783874 said:

Gosh, sorry. Those two just stood out to me as being super positive. I have definitely thought about having everyone sit down. My fiancé has a lot of opinions and we will see what he says about that. Lol. He's a director, go figure.

I will be honest with you that when I look back at the photos of the weddings I have been in and had to stand during the ceremony, the bride and groom look pretty, and glowing, and lovey. . . and the bridal party?  Well for the most part we all look bored, uncomfortable, distracted, etc.  There's not a lot of smiling.  We all look much better in all the group porttraits before and after the ceremony, lol!

When everyone is seated, you can't see them zoning out in the pictures ;-)

novella1186

OP, don't get offended by these posts. No one was trying to attack you or call you selfish (and no one did). These boards have a very straight-forward tone, and the ladies here call it like they see it. If you stick around for a while you'll see what I mean, and you'll also see that this is a very friendly, supportive place. No worries. 

southernbelle0915

1) Just because you helped a bunch as a BM doesn't mean they will or can. I've been in weddings where I've helped a lot and others where I literally showed up in the dress. Loved each bride just as much - it boiled down to what I was able/wanted to do with what I had going on in my own life at that time. 

2) Invitations to events are not summons. If you invite them to the spa day, that's great. It's not a subpoena. If they can't come, OH WELL. They probably want to be there - what person wouldn't want to chill at a spa all day with her girlfriends. They just can't. And you shouldn't make them feel even worse for that. 

3) Your issues with your fiance's requirements are your problem. Not theirs. It's not their fault your fiance is "making" you have a certain number of people. (I say "making" because you're agreeing to it.) You're right, asking someone 6 months out to replace someone else WOULD be rude. That person WOULD feel B-listed and second rate. But this is an issue with your fiance - not your BMs. Don't make it their problem.

Maggie0829

PrettyGirlLost said:

Knottie9783874 said:

Gosh, sorry. Those two just stood out to me as being super positive. I have definitely thought about having everyone sit down. My fiancé has a lot of opinions and we will see what he says about that. Lol. He's a director, go figure.

I will be honest with you that when I look back at the photos of the weddings I have been in and had to stand during the ceremony, the bride and groom look pretty, and glowing, and lovey. . . and the bridal party?  Well for the most part we all look bored, uncomfortable, distracted, etc.  There's not a lot of smiling.  We all look much better in all the group porttraits before and after the ceremony, lol!

When everyone is seated, you can't see them zoning out in the pictures ;-)

I am sure there are some lovely pictures of me at my sisters wedding.  Holding two bouquets in semi uncomfortable heels while standing for 30 minutes in a non-air conditioned church in the middle of July in Pittsburgh.  I am sure I just looked thrilled to be there.

PrettyGirlLost

Maggie0829 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Knottie9783874 said:

Gosh, sorry. Those two just stood out to me as being super positive. I have definitely thought about having everyone sit down. My fiancé has a lot of opinions and we will see what he says about that. Lol. He's a director, go figure.

I will be honest with you that when I look back at the photos of the weddings I have been in and had to stand during the ceremony, the bride and groom look pretty, and glowing, and lovey. . . and the bridal party?  Well for the most part we all look bored, uncomfortable, distracted, etc.  There's not a lot of smiling.  We all look much better in all the group porttraits before and after the ceremony, lol!

When everyone is seated, you can't see them zoning out in the pictures ;-)

I am sure there are some lovely pictures of me at my sisters wedding.  Holding two bouquets in semi uncomfortable heels while standing for 30 minutes in a non-air conditioned church in the middle of July in Pittsburgh.  I am sure I just looked thrilled to be there.

Was this before I knew you?!

novella1186

So, story. We all had to stand in the wedding where I was a BM (no big deal because we got to pick our own shoes so we all found comfy ones, we were in an air conditioned church, and it was a really quick ceremony) but one of the BMs was in the Peace Corps and had flown back from Africa right before the wedding. Right when she got back she got super sick and was in the hospital. Turns out, she came back with malaria. She got out of the hospital the morning of the wedding and she was a total trooper. Probably would have walked through fire for the bride, whom she'd known since they were little. 

She had a really high fever and was dizzy thanks to her illness, but she insisted on standing up with all the other BMs, even though the bride kept telling her to just sit down. Halfway through the ceremony, she started to lose it. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her swaying and her face went ghost white. I very inconspicuously grabbed her arm and pulled her in the direction of a chair the bride had placed near her for just such an emergency. She sat in the chair the rest of the time, and it wasn't a big deal. It didn't ruin the ceremony or bother anyone, and luckily the poor girl didn't pass out. Almost, but not quite. We were all very very glad that chair was there. 

Sitting is important sometimes. 

Maggie0829

PrettyGirlLost said:

Maggie0829 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Knottie9783874 said:

Gosh, sorry. Those two just stood out to me as being super positive. I have definitely thought about having everyone sit down. My fiancé has a lot of opinions and we will see what he says about that. Lol. He's a director, go figure.

I will be honest with you that when I look back at the photos of the weddings I have been in and had to stand during the ceremony, the bride and groom look pretty, and glowing, and lovey. . . and the bridal party?  Well for the most part we all look bored, uncomfortable, distracted, etc.  There's not a lot of smiling.  We all look much better in all the group porttraits before and after the ceremony, lol!

When everyone is seated, you can't see them zoning out in the pictures ;-)

I am sure there are some lovely pictures of me at my sisters wedding.  Holding two bouquets in semi uncomfortable heels while standing for 30 minutes in a non-air conditioned church in the middle of July in Pittsburgh.  I am sure I just looked thrilled to be there.

Was this before I knew you?!

Unfortunately

Is it bad that I can't remember what year my sister got married?  I want to say it was 7 years ago. I forget the church but her reception was at Pirates Stadium.  Apparently we have a thing about having wedding receptions at stadiums.

MGP

Knottie9783874 said:

Remember girls, this is a place to discuss and get advice from other brides that are going through or went through this. Do not attack someone for having concerns. Weddings are STRESSFUL! And when you ask people to be in your party and then they say "I'm pregnant" or will be, there is some stress on my part! With just cause! 

Not going to touch on the replacements or even sides, because it's redundant.  But you want to hear from someone who went through this?  Here's my Cliff's Notes version:

I had a three month old at the time of my BFF's wedding.  There were several girls involved in the wedding that had babies as well.  The bride did not want children at the wedding.  Needing extra help and a babysitter, I had to bring family members on three separate trips to help since it was out of town for me.  I co-hosted her shower and bachelorette.  

The actual wedding weekend was a nightmare.  I had to go back to the hotel every 2 - 3 hours to nurse, including during the reception and ended up with blisters on my feet from walking back and forth from hotel to venue.  I almost missed dinner because there was no seating left by the time I got back from a nursing session and the bride's father kindly gave his seat to me so I didn't have to eat standing up at the bar.  ** ETA - hope this stresses the importance of plenty of open seating, or assigned seating. **  Honestly I felt like a prop and not a guest.  Even something as small as my husband being able to sit in the back of the church with the baby or coming to the reception dinner for an hour would have made all the difference in the world.

Although her decision was certainly her choice and within etiquette, it was extremely costly and inconvenient for me.  My grand total was $2600 to participate in this, actually more if you add in travel costs for my "entourage".  I respected her decision and did it because I loved her, but if I had to do it all over again I would respectfully decline or at least opt out of the "non necessary" things like showers because it was just too stressful for me.  The bride now has a baby of her own and has said "I don't believe I made you girls keep your babies at home.  They should have been welcome, there is no way they would have ruined my day".  We have moved past it a long time ago and are still best of friends, but this experience totally sealed my decision to not be in a wedding party again.

So take that for what it's worth.

short+sassy

novella1186 said:

So, story. We all had to stand in the wedding where I was a BM (no big deal because we got to pick our own shoes so we all found comfy ones, we were in an air conditioned church, and it was a really quick ceremony) but one of the BMs was in the Peace Corps and had flown back from Africa right before the wedding. Right when she got back she got super sick and was in the hospital. Turns out, she came back with malaria. She got out of the hospital the morning of the wedding and she was a total trooper. Probably would have walked through fire for the bride, whom she'd known since they were little. 

She had a really high fever and was dizzy thanks to her illness, but she insisted on standing up with all the other BMs, even though the bride kept telling her to just sit down. Halfway through the ceremony, she started to lose it. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her swaying and her face went ghost white. I very inconspicuously grabbed her arm and pulled her in the direction of a chair the bride had placed near her for just such an emergency. She sat in the chair the rest of the time, and it wasn't a big deal. It didn't ruin the ceremony or bother anyone, and luckily the poor girl didn't pass out. Almost, but not quite. We were all very very glad that chair was there. 

Sitting is important sometimes.

Whoa...de ja vu.  I was a BM in a good friend's wedding and got horrible food poisoning the night before.  I was throwing up endlessly for about two hours the morning of her wedding and whenever I had a "break" for about five minutes, I was sobbing and sobbing to my BF (now DH) that I was worried I wouldn't be able to make it to the wedding.

Fortunately, I finally started feeling well enough to un-attach myself from a toilet for longer than 30 minutes and made it to the bride's house (meeting place) on time.  Though I felt pretty sick and nauseous for the rest of the day.

Here I felt so bad to be such a bummer on her wedding day, but she could not have been more considerate and concerned about my health.  We all got to the church and she informed her wedding planner what was going on with me.  A chair was set up near the altar, jic I needed it.  My friend encouraged me to just stay seated for the ceremony, but I insisted on standing.

I found out after the fact that she had asked the groom to keep an eye on me during the ceremony, since he was the one facing her BP.

It has always meant the world to me that, despite this being one of the most important days of her life, she was so concerned about my comfort and my health.  She never even remotely made me feel that I was putting a damper on her day, even though that's how I was feeling. 

atlastmrsg

1) Your bridesmaids are not labor.  If you want to DIY your wedding, that's your problem not your bridesmaids.  So, them being able to work on your projects is a non-issue because you and your FI should be doing that yourselves or paying vendors to help with what you can't do.

2) Child-free wedding.  Totally cool.  I did that.  Knowing that, yes, your bridesmaid that just had a baby might not be able to come.  You all will still be friends if you're respectful about this.  If she can come, she may only be able to come to the ceremony if she isn't comfortable leaving the baby for a whole day.  She can make that decision for herself.  Not come.  Come and leave early.  Pump and party the night away.  But that's her call not your concern.

3) Pregnant bridesmaid.  People have been getting pregnant for thousands of years.  She'll be fine.  She can decide what she feels well enough to do and what she can't.  Yes--things may come up.  She may not feel well.  The smell of food at your shower could make her ill.  She may not be able to wear the same dress as the other maids.  These things happen.  But she's a friend so you'll understand.

The only discussing you need to do is with respect to 2).  You need to tell this person that it's a child-free wedding so she can decide how she feels about participating.  Tell her before she buys the dress or makes travel arrangements so she can bail without having put money out.

Knottie9783874

I can totally sympathize. And I initially was going to have kids/babies at the wedding. Especially since there would be some bringing infants regardless of any rule. Ultimately this is my fiance's decision-also there is a $35 per kid, very expensive to have 20 kids. I had to fight him on allowing 2 of my favorite kids, 13 and 11, whom I nannied and feel extremely close with. I couldn't imagine this day without them. And I understand for my friends as well. 

My initial post was spewed out while completely stressing about making sure everything is done in time and adding more "problems" to the pile. all I could think is that I'd be running around or stressing trying to find her right before the ceremony. So some of it came out incorrectly. 

I was a nanny, so I get how much goes into taking care of an infant. Unless I was the MOH, I would say no if asked when pregnant. 

I plan to find a babysitter (a friend lives in the area who has one to recommend) and offer her for older kids to stay at the hotel. 

Jen4948

It's not up to your FI who your bridesmaids are or how many bridesmaids you have. That's strictly up to you, just as it's not up to you and strictly up to him how many groomsmen he has and who they are. Even sides are not required. If he's going to be that controlling about this, that's a red flag. Nor are you entitled to expect your attendants to make themselves available for any days other than the wedding day itself. If they'd like to do the spa thing, then you can suggest it, but you cannot require their participation in it.