MOB being difficult. Huge fight over kids at wedding

glitzymermaid

Hello all,

I could really use some advice on a sticky situation I am in. When we began planning my wedding my fiance my mother and I agreed to no kids at the wedding (despite me really wanting to find a way, but was outnumbered), particularly to save money, but also because it is a formal evening wedding and most of our close friends children are too young to sit through a ceremony quietly anyways, or would be confused as to why there parents are standing up there with us and not sitting with them. SO the problem begins with me inviting the parents of two children that I have been babysitting for 3 years now, they are 5 and 7. I was hesitant to invite knowing that the kids could not come, but I have developed a relationship with the parents as well, they have always been so excited to hear about my wedding, and have been very good to me with Christmas bonus and gifts, so I wanted them there. Upon alerting them that it is a no kids thing and how I wish they could be there but its really my moms decision on this one, the mom suggested they just come to the ceremony and then they will have a babysitter to stay with the kids at the hotel the rest of the evening. I thought this sounded like a great suggestion, brought it up to my mom, she was hesitant but agreed to the idea but said this can be the only exception and if others ask about it we will have to say we did not know about it. Well, my fiance did not like the idea of lying, when he recognized that our close friends and a family friend of his dad would most likely be offended if this offer was not given to them as well. So he agreed if I could find a babysitter and a central room for the kids to be in that we could just offer to all families with kids with the expectation that parents are splitting the cost, not us. I thought this was great because it also gives my bridesmaid moms a chance to have kids present and maybe not leave early to get back to kids at home! So, I found a babysitter, the winery told me they have a media room the kids can be in, all seemed to be working out. Until my mom said absolutely not, that the room will be too close to the reception, it makes things to complicated and she seems to think we will have to provide food which will make us go above our budget. The other disagreement here is that while my fiance is ok with the babysitter, he is not ok with the kids being at the ceremony as it opens possibility of the real young ones being there and crying over our vows. But it is hard for me to bend on when I think if we had a babysitter on deck to escort kids away from ceremony if they were having a hard time, and it is important to me to have them there, especially when a mom already suggested it! Should I keep pushing this, or just give up and in the process most likely offend the family that I babysit for? Are there any compromises I can make that I have not already thought of? I originally wanted these kids in my wedding, so it would be nice to find a way to have them there.  :-/

Signed,

cant make everyone happy?

Heffalump

glitzymermaid said:

Hello all,

I could really use some advice on a sticky situation I am in. When we began planning my wedding my fiance my mother and I agreed to no kids at the wedding (despite me really wanting to find a way, but was outnumbered), particularly to save money, but also because it is a formal evening wedding and most of our close friends children are too young to sit through a ceremony quietly anyways, or would be confused as to why there parents are standing up there with us and not sitting with them. SO the problem begins with me inviting the parents of two children that I have been babysitting for 3 years now, they are 5 and 7. I was hesitant to invite knowing that the kids could not come, but I have developed a relationship with the parents as well, they have always been so excited to hear about my wedding, and have been very good to me with Christmas bonus and gifts, so I wanted them there. Upon alerting them that it is a no kids thing and how I wish they could be there but its really my moms decision on this one, the mom suggested they just come to the ceremony and then they will have a babysitter to stay with the kids at the hotel the rest of the evening. I thought this sounded like a great suggestion, brought it up to my mom, she was hesitant but agreed to the idea but said this can be the only exception and if others ask about it we will have to say we did not know about it. Well, my fiance did not like the idea of lying, when he recognized that our close friends and a family friend of his dad would most likely be offended if this offer was not given to them as well. So he agreed if I could find a babysitter and a central room for the kids to be in that we could just offer to all families with kids with the expectation that parents are splitting the cost, not us. I thought this was great because it also gives my bridesmaid moms a chance to have kids present and maybe not leave early to get back to kids at home! So, I found a babysitter, the winery told me they have a media room the kids can be in, all seemed to be working out. Until my mom said absolutely not, that the room will be too close to the reception, it makes things to complicated and she seems to think we will have to provide food which will make us go above our budget. The other disagreement here is that while my fiance is ok with the babysitter, he is not ok with the kids being at the ceremony as it opens possibility of the real young ones being there and crying over our vows. But it is hard for me to bend on when I think if we had a babysitter on deck to escort kids away from ceremony if they were having a hard time, and it is important to me to have them there, especially when a mom already suggested it! Should I keep pushing this, or just give up and in the process most likely offend the family that I babysit for? Are there any compromises I can make that I have not already thought of? I originally wanted these kids in my wedding, so it would be nice to find a way to have them there.  :-/

Signed,

cant make everyone happy?

Wait, so if you have a babysitter for the reception, you're not going to feed the kids?  How is that going to work?

Also, I have never seen crying over vows be a thing.  Everyone seems to worry about it, but I've never seen it happen.  If people don't want kids at their wedding, that's their call, and they don't even need a reason.  But the crying/vows one seems to be both prevalent and unrealistic.

I think you and your FI need to hash this out and get on the same page, which means one or both of you are going to have to compromise.  (Won't be the last time.)  And then if what you and your FI want conflicts with your mother's plans, then be prepared to host the wedding that you and your FI can afford, no strings attached.

glitzymermaid

Thanks for the advice! In terms of feeding kids, its a 6pm wedding, so I would suggest to parents to make sure kids have already ate, otherwise they will not get food from caterer until 8pm anyways. I can certainly provide snacks or even things to make Pb&j. I think if I can work a compromise out with my FI, then my mom may be more open to hearing us out...but your right, I cant make that decision with just myself when my mom is the one paying for most of this. Which is just unfortunate that even a paying for most things mom, would not want to at least hear out her daughter's wishes on this.

I havent really seen kids making noise over vows as an issue either...have you been to a lot of weddings that have toddlers in audience? I guess the biggest worry is 2 of the toddlers would have to be with babysitter in audience as the parents are MOH and best man

MesmrEwe

Check with your reception site if they're willing to be flexible on this, but what about having McD's Happy Meals for the kids then a little cake from Sam's or your baker?  It sounds silly, but it'd amount to $5 per kid for a full meal.  And before anyone does the snippy that's not food thing - it's one night, she's not giving the kids McD's every single day.  Send an invite specifically to the kids involved, RSVP Nuggets, Hamburger, or Cheeseburger and go from there.

IMO, you're the bride, if you want kids, and your site has a room that's convenient as a compromise, why not!  All the kids could be in there in the media room with the ceremony on "live feed" on TV (so they're there, but not physically in the ceremony area), then you can stop by to cut the little cake with the kids, everyone's included, and you've compromised enough already.  I'd say decide if it's "a hill to die on" and go from there.  IMO, as a parent, I'd be A LOT happier to have a babysitter on-site that I can go check in on my kids at any moment and if there's an emergency we're right there vs. someone back at the hotel or having to find a sitter on my own which normally means we wouldn't be able to attend.  You can do this all on a budget without really cutting in to other areas or breaking the bank.  It just sounds to me as though the individuals involved just don't want kids there period and are forgetting that's one of your areas of interest.  IMO, time to stand up and say "I'm having a kids room at our wedding, here's how it's going to work, if you don't like it you can be the babysitter!"

Heffalump

MesmrEwe said:

IMO, time to stand up and say "I'm having a kids room at our wedding, here's how it's going to work, if you don't like it you can be the babysitter!"

To her mother (who is paying), or to her FI (whose wedding it also is)?

MesmrEwe

Heffalump said:

MesmrEwe said:

IMO, time to stand up and say "I'm having a kids room at our wedding, here's how it's going to work, if you don't like it you can be the babysitter!"

To her mother (who is paying), or to her FI (whose wedding it also is)?

Both agreed to have the babysitter (MOB and FI), the MOB got "cold feet" once the OP said the site said they could use the media room for it from what I gathered.  The Bride didn't say the kids were going to be at the ceremony itself.  The idea being she as the bride needs to also have some say in the day, not just bow to others wishes.   Yes, the MOB may be paying, and there are some strings, however to say that inviting kids to a kiddie event in the media room is the same cost as feeding them whatever fancy meal the rest of the guests are being served is absurd.  If there are 10 kids, the babysitter gets ~$150 for the full day, then if there's 15 kids @$5 each, that's $225, and FAR from budget breaking on even the most frugal event.

natswild

@heffalump, I have seen this-when I attended my cousin's wedding, their 3 year old son screamed throughout the ENTIRE ceremony, nobody could hear what they were saying.  That's MY reason for not having kids at my wedding.

jacques27

natswild said:

@heffalump, I have seen this-when I attended my cousin's wedding, their 3 year old son screamed throughout the ENTIRE ceremony, nobody could hear what they were saying.  That's MY reason for not having kids at my wedding.

Well, then that's on your cousin for not understanding that small children should be in the care of a responsible adult who is smart enough to know that if a tantrum happens they should quickly and as discreetly as possible escort the child away from the event to minimize the impact to the event as a whole...not just let the kid sit there and scream.

By and large, children don't spend their entire young lives screaming and by and large the adults who choose to have children understand their nature and know how to appropriately deal with them in public.  Sucks that your cousin was the exception rather than the rule though.

*Barbie*

OP,  I don't understand the "we will provide an onsite babysitter that we expect you to pay for, and we expect you to provide food and pay for your kids to eat." - that seems like an even bigger inconvenience than just leaving the kids at home with a sitter. 

So as a parent using your sitter, I'm expected to leave sometime between the ceremony and reception to get food for my kid?

There's nothing wrong with having a kids free wedding, and there's nothing wrong with inviting kids. You need to learn to compromise with your FI on this (it won't be the last time if you want your marriage to last) - and the two of you need to present a united front to your  mother, and pr prepared to pay if she decides to pull her funding. 

I'm a parent to a 4 yo - I wouldn't be insulted if you didn't invite kids, but I may also need to decline the invite if i can't find a sitter. I'd be even more likely to decline if travel was involved, and we didn't have local friends or family members who could sit.