Wedding Etiquette Forum

Lost a friend for following etiquette

I took my MOH and my sister with me dress shopping, my friend found out and is so hurt by me not inviting her, that she doesn't want to be friends any more. ALL I can say is WTF!! I would of loved to have her there, but I read you should not invite any one to wedding type events when they are not invited to the wedding. I understand her hurt, but gosh I thought I was doing the right thing!

themosthappy91

Re: Lost a friend for following etiquette

  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited January 2015

    IMO you did the right thing. It sounds like she's being immature by ending an entire friendship over dress shopping, wtf?

    Just curious, if she's a good enough friend to think she would be invited dress shopping, how come she's not invited to the wedding? Does she think she's invited to the wedding?

    ETA: woops, half my post got deleted.

    Formerly martha1818

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    mrstrevor15
  • I took my MOH and my sister with me dress shopping, my friend found out and is so hurt by me not inviting her, that she doesn't want to be friends any more. ALL I can say is WTF!! I would of loved to have her there, but I read you should not invite any one to wedding type events when they are not invited to the wedding. I understand her hurt, but gosh I thought I was doing the right thing!

    Your friend sounds extremely immature. This is like someone sobbing over not being a bridesmaid....really?

    So she's not invited to the wedding at all? 
    *********************************************************************************

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    soontobemrshamiltonPrettyGirlLost
  • Sounds like she was looking for an excuse to flip out.
    soontobemrshamilton
  • edited January 2015
    We are having a small wedding, 16 guests, all family and our 2 best friends as MOH and BM (they are the only 2 friends) otherwise she most certainly would have been at the wedding!!

    I just can't believe she did this, however we have had issues off and on in our friendship. We have been friends for 16 years too!! It's sad!
  • Sounds like growing pains. Bride spending most time with FI, friend feels she is getting less attention which is normal but still hurts. Then bride does something, does not matter what, where yet another person, MOH, also looks to be chosen over her. Hurt and jealous flip out over nothing .

    One possibility, call her too immature and write her off.

    The other, get to the root of the problem and talk to her. Plan to do something with her alone, something you have always enjoyed together.

    The one thing most of us want most from the people we care about is their time and attention.
  • That is what growing pains are. And no, that is not in her post, I am saying it is a very common occurrence. Like sibling rivalry is common.
    Acting out behaviors most often occur at times of change, and when someone feels they are loosing someone or something.
    A major number of brides have someone or several someones flip out either when a romance is new, or the friendship shifts. It also often occurs in early to mid teens when one person gets a boyfriend, or one is accepted in a new circle of friends and the other is not.
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    We are having a small wedding, 16 guests, all family and our 2 best friends as MOH and BM (they are the only 2 friends) otherwise she most certainly would have been at the wedding!!

    I just can't believe she did this, however we have had issues off and on in our friendship. We have been friends for 16 years too!! It's sad!
    I'm sorry you lost a friend over something so petty.  However, if you have been having issues for sixteen years it might be time to let the friendship go. 


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    bumbletiger88soontobemrshamiltonJCbride2015
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm sorry your "friend" decided to end the friendship over something so stupid. Looks like she showed her true colors.
    soontobemrshamilton
  • lyndausvi said:
    This isn't even an etiquette thing.    You are under no obligation to invite anyone to shop with you.  I don't care if it's for cereal, socks or a wedding dress.  You are shopping and can  invite anyone you want to shop with.  It's really that simple.


    Geez, people are way to sensitive these days.

    This. This isn't an etiquette issue, this is your friend being a petulant child issue. Probably for the best, as it seems she would get mad that she wasn't invited to the wedding either. 
  • Don't give it another thought.  Very rude and immature behavior on her part.
  • I don't think you lost a friend because etiquette. You lost her because you decided you did not want her at your wedding, and she thought she was close enough to you to be invited and is now hurt. Of course it's not rude to not invite her and she shouldn't have made a fuss about the dress thing, but you can't decide not to invite people to your wedding and expect them not to have their feelings hurt about it.
    lc07hellohkbcharcoalandblushPrettyGirlLost
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    That is what growing pains are. And no, that is not in her post, I am saying it is a very common occurrence. Like sibling rivalry is common. Acting out behaviors most often occur at times of change, and when someone feels they are loosing someone or something. A major number of brides have someone or several someones flip out either when a romance is new, or the friendship shifts. It also often occurs in early to mid teens when one person gets a boyfriend, or one is accepted in a new circle of friends and the other is not.
    No, it isn't. 



    lc07ashley8918
  • I don't think you lost a friend because etiquette. You lost her because you decided you did not want her at your wedding, and she thought she was close enough to you to be invited and is now hurt. Of course it's not rude to not invite her and she shouldn't have made a fuss about the dress thing, but you can't decide not to invite people to your wedding and expect them not to have their feelings hurt about it.
    No, I believe I did. I didn't not want her at my wedding, I would have loved for her to of been at my wedding, but we cannot afford it. We are only having parents, siblings, grandparents and our 2 best friends...that's it. She knew we couldn't have more people at our wedding and said she understood that, so she said. She was truly mad/hurt that she didn't come to my dress appt
  • lc07 said:
    This is a super dramatic title, OP. You did not lose a friend because you followed etiquette. You might be losing a friend because she isn't invited to your wedding. You might be losing a friend because she's bat shit crazy and must go on all shopping trips with you, but NOT because of proper etiquette.
    I did not invite her to the dress appt, because proper etiquette says not to invite people to wedding type stuff. I didn't want to invite her and be like "hey, come watch me try wedding dresses on, even though you can't come to the wedding!" The issue isn't about her not being invited to the wedding, a lot of our friends and family are unfortunatly, not invited. Again, not because we do not want them there, but for financial reasons.
  • arrippaarrippa Sam Adams Craft Commonwealth member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    That is what growing pains are. And no, that is not in her post, I am saying it is a very common occurrence. Like sibling rivalry is common. Acting out behaviors most often occur at times of change, and when someone feels they are loosing someone or something. A major number of brides have someone or several someones flip out either when a romance is new, or the friendship shifts. It also often occurs in early to mid teens when one person gets a boyfriend, or one is accepted in a new circle of friends and the other is not.

    Did someone mention Growing Pains?

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    BrandNewJmrsdee15
  • LtPowersLtPowers Upstate New York member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited January 2015
    lc07 said:
    This is a super dramatic title, OP. You did not lose a friend because you followed etiquette. You might be losing a friend because she isn't invited to your wedding. You might be losing a friend because she's bat shit crazy and must go on all shopping trips with you, but NOT because of proper etiquette.
    I did not invite her to the dress appt, because proper etiquette says not to invite people to wedding type stuff. I didn't want to invite her and be like "hey, come watch me try wedding dresses on, even though you can't come to the wedding!" The issue isn't about her not being invited to the wedding, a lot of our friends and family are unfortunatly, not invited. Again, not because we do not want them there, but for financial reasons.
    The rule you state is correct, but there are a couple of other factors to consider. Since your guest list is quite small, even people to whom you are close will be unable to attend. In these sorts of situations, it can be a comfort to them to be included in your pre-wedding planning. It's a little paradoxical, but it can help them feel less peripheral to your big day.

    Of course, every person is different, so this caveat to the normal etiquette rule may not apply to everyone. Clearly, it would have applied to your friend.

    If you value the friendship, you should apologize to your friend. Don't say you're sorry for "following etiquette"; just say you're sorry for not realizing that she wanted to go dress shopping with you. You can explain that you didn't want to subject her to wedding-related activities and then be unable to have her at the wedding itself, and hope she understands.


    Powers  &8^]

  • There's no obligation to invite anyone in particular to your dress shopping appointment. Frankly that process is overblown and personally I much preferred trying on dresses alone. That said, I think it's probably really rough to not be invited to the wedding of a close friend. If the friendship is not worth keeping let it go. If it is, try to reach out to her and get to the heart of the matter. 

    image
  • I agree OP. You followed a "rule" apparently only for the sake of following the rule, instead of treating your friend like a friend and a person with whom you apparently have a close personal relationship.

    Etiquette books are great for giving us a guide for how to deal with people with whom we don't have a close personal bond--professional settings, acquaintances, distant relatives--but sometimes they're pretty ridiculous, if not downright useless, when it comes to dealing with those nearest to us, to those whose real life preferences and feelings can readily be known by us. I find that some of the people here use etiquette as some sort of shield from you know, actually talking to other people, listening, communicating, understanding, empathizing, asking for help, offering help. If this friend knew you were having a super tiny wedding for financial reasons and wanted to go dress shopping with you anyway, if you wanted her there, you should have said screw it to the "rule" and invited her.  

    Now, honestly, she should get over it because she's also being a bad friend right now by acting so dramatic over it. Maybe you can invite her to a dress fitting if that's possible, and if you want to, so she can see the dress in person as a way to mend fences.
  • lc07 said:
    This is a super dramatic title, OP. You did not lose a friend because you followed etiquette. You might be losing a friend because she isn't invited to your wedding. You might be losing a friend because she's bat shit crazy and must go on all shopping trips with you, but NOT because of proper etiquette.
    I did not invite her to the dress appt, because proper etiquette says not to invite people to wedding type stuff. I didn't want to invite her and be like "hey, come watch me try wedding dresses on, even though you can't come to the wedding!" The issue isn't about her not being invited to the wedding, a lot of our friends and family are unfortunatly, not invited. Again, not because we do not want them there, but for financial reasons.
    Your friend dumped you as a friend because she didn't get to watch you change clothes. That's not an etiquette issue, that's your former friend acting like a weirdo asshole issue.
    Exactly!  When it's time, I'll go dress shopping alone.  If anyone gets their panties in a bunch over not being invited to sit in a store and watch me change my clothes, they can go suck it.  I don't need friends like that.
  • That is what growing pains are. And no, that is not in her post, I am saying it is a very common occurrence. Like sibling rivalry is common. Acting out behaviors most often occur at times of change, and when someone feels they are loosing someone or something. A major number of brides have someone or several someones flip out either when a romance is new, or the friendship shifts. It also often occurs in early to mid teens when one person gets a boyfriend, or one is accepted in a new circle of friends and the other is not.
    I'm glad to know you've polled a major number of brides. I've never experienced this, and neither has anyone I know. I think you're making your own baseless conclusions and it's really weird.
    Agreed. What is also frustrating is when friends assume others will have issues, or be jealous. Guess what--some people are OK with the fact they're 30 and single, or 40 and childless, or have at least developed the maturity to be happy for their engaged/pregnant friends even when those life events don't happen to them. I'm not saying jealousy or issues don't happen, but this situation doesn't look like one of those. 

    (This is an area I'm a little sore about right now because a friend of mine just got engaged, and when explaining it to me was all "I'm SO HAPPY!". When she announced it to another friend said "Please don't be mad, but I got engaged". Yes other friend is single and in her 30s, but was pretty offended that someone would think she'd be mad about their engagement. Needless to say my non-engaged friend is hurt, and I'm annoyed on her behalf)
    PrettyGirlLost
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I agree OP. You followed a "rule" apparently only for the sake of following the rule, instead of treating your friend like a friend and a person with whom you apparently have a close personal relationship.

    Etiquette books are great for giving us a guide for how to deal with people with whom we don't have a close personal bond--professional settings, acquaintances, distant relatives--but sometimes they're pretty ridiculous, if not downright useless, when it comes to dealing with those nearest to us, to those whose real life preferences and feelings can readily be known by us. I find that some of the people here use etiquette as some sort of shield from you know, actually talking to other people, listening, communicating, understanding, empathizing, asking for help, offering help. If this friend knew you were having a super tiny wedding for financial reasons and wanted to go dress shopping with you anyway, if you wanted her there, you should have said screw it to the "rule" and invited her.  

    Now, honestly, she should get over it because she's also being a bad friend right now by acting so dramatic over it. Maybe you can invite her to a dress fitting if that's possible, and if you want to, so she can see the dress in person as a way to mend fences.
    Oh good fucking grief, I'm so glad you know us all so well *eye roll*

    Actually, etiquette is a standard for treating everyone well- including your nearest and dearest.   In fact, everyone should be making the utmost effort not to be pissing off, offending, and hurting the feelings of their closest loved ones because those people matter the most to them.  Who really fucking cares about people you don't have a personal bond with beyond being civil and courteous, let's be honest.

    Brides should be bending over backwards to make sure they don't  offend their loved ones, but they don't.   Which is why, if you'd bother to pay attention, we tell people not to kick people out of their wedding parties- which is a friendship ending move- for trivial drama regarding a wedding.

    Which is why we tell people not to have a cash bar and expect their closest friends and family to shell out money for an event that is supposed to be hosted in thier own honor.

    Which is why we tell people not to have a gap because it's disrespectful of the time of their loved ones.

    Which is why we tell people not to lie about their ceremony start time because it's disrespectful of the time of their loved ones.

    Which is why we tell people not to put bullshit attire directives on their invitations just for the sake of having people dress up so their pictures look nice.

    I fail to see how any of that advice is useless.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    levioosathespeshulestsnowflake[Deleted User]soontobemrshamilton
  • Butterflyz419Butterflyz419 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited January 2015
    I agree OP. You followed a "rule" apparently only for the sake of following the rule, instead of treating your friend like a friend and a person with whom you apparently have a close personal relationship.

    Etiquette books are great for giving us a guide for how to deal with people with whom we don't have a close personal bond--professional settings, acquaintances, distant relatives--but sometimes they're pretty ridiculous, if not downright useless, when it comes to dealing with those nearest to us, to those whose real life preferences and feelings can readily be known by us. I find that some of the people here use etiquette as some sort of shield from you know, actually talking to other people, listening, communicating, understanding, empathizing, asking for help, offering help. If this friend knew you were having a super tiny wedding for financial reasons and wanted to go dress shopping with you anyway, if you wanted her there, you should have said screw it to the "rule" and invited her.  

    Now, honestly, she should get over it because she's also being a bad friend right now by acting so dramatic over it. Maybe you can invite her to a dress fitting if that's possible, and if you want to, so she can see the dress in person as a way to mend fences.
    Oh good fucking grief, I'm so glad you know us all so well *eye roll*

    Actually, etiquette is a standard for treating everyone well- including your nearest and dearest.   In fact, everyone should be making the utmost effort not to be pissing off, offending, and hurting the feelings of their closest loved ones because those people matter the most to them.  Who really fucking cares about people you don't have a personal bond with beyond being civil and courteous, let's be honest.

    Brides should be bending over backwards to make sure they don't  offend their loved ones, but they don't.   Which is why, if you'd bother to pay attention, we tell people not to kick people out of their wedding parties- which is a friendship ending move- for trivial drama regarding a wedding.

    Which is why we tell people not to have a cash bar and expect their closest friends and family to shell out money for an event that is supposed to be hosted in thier own honor.

    Which is why we tell people not to have a gap because it's disrespectful of the time of their loved ones.

    Which is why we tell people not to lie about their ceremony start time because it's disrespectful of the time of their loved ones.

    Which is why we tell people not to put bullshit attire directives on their invitations just for the sake of having people dress up so their pictures look nice.

    I fail to see how any of that advice is useless.

    --------------------ETA BOXES-------------------------

    I didn't say all of it is useless, but some of it definitely is. And all of the examples you've provided deal with dealing with groups where it would be highly unlikely for you to actually know the preferences of every single person, so following the rules is the safest course of action. That's not always the case. For instance, etiquette dictates a particular way of addressing envelopes, and while it would never be "wrong" to follow those rules, if you are close enough to someone to know that being addressed as Mrs. John Doe would offend them, you shouldn't follow the rule. That's because your personal knowledge of their preference should outweigh this "rule." Coworkers/Church group showers are permitted even when they're not being invited to the wedding--why? Because your relationship with these people trumps the "rule" that only those invited to the wedding should be involved in pre-wedding stuff. Etiquette dictates all sorts of things that one shouldn't discuss with other people, but you'd be an idiot to follow those rules when deciding appropriate topics of conversation with one's spouse. It sounds like this friend still wanted to be involved in such a momentous occasion in her friend's life even if she couldn't be at the wedding. She may have felt that the OP was cutting her out of her life. An over-reaction to dress shopping? Sure. I completely agree. But sometimes people overreact, and I think it's sad because it sounds to me like the only reason this happened was not because the OP didn't want her there (which would have been reasonable enough) but only because she chose to follow the rule rather than talking to her friend and seeing what she would have actually preferred (which I find silly). Talk to your friends--Ask them how they feel. Don't assume they feel the same things the book says they should feel.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    The rule for addressing envelopes is that you address them the way each individual person prefers to be addressed. We tell ppl this all the time.

    The tradition of Mr and Mrs Smith is a tradition, and not a rule anymore per se.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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