How to replace my maid of honor

[Deleted User]

My maid of honor recently had to back out of my wedding (she's going on an overseas missions trip. She thought that she could swing it before, but the dates got changed). I want to ask my sister (who isn't a bridesmaid, but is being incredibly helpful with planning) to be my maid of honor now, but she would know she's not my first choice. How do i go about asking her without offending her?

mikenberger

Knottie16077462 said:

My maid of honor recently had to back out of my wedding (she's going on an overseas missions trip. She thought that she could swing it before, but the dates got changed). I want to ask my sister (who isn't a bridesmaid, but is being incredibly helpful with planning) to be my maid of honor now, but she would know she's not my first choice. How do i go about asking her without offending her?

I don't think you can ask her in any way that's not going to offend her. She's going to know that she's an after thought especially if she's not even currently a bridesmaid and then she becomes MOH only after your MOH dropped out.

Why do you have to replace your MOH? It's perfectly okay not to have a MOH and have uneven sides.

manateehugger

You're going to send the message that your friend is easily replaceable and that you're sister is only worthy now because she's helping with the planning.

And honestly, if your sister wasn't a bridesmaid in the first place, I'm assuming you aren't all that close (I have two sisters - it was a no-brainer that they would be bridesmaids). If you want her to be a bridesmaid because you've grown close in the past few months, just have a conversation with her. It shouldn't be about the work she's doing for you and the MOH position, it should be about your relationship with her.

I didn't have a MOH. I don't think anyone even noticed. MOH duties beyond perhaps holding the bride's bouquet during the ceremony are nonexistent.

[Deleted User]

For me, not having a maid of honor isn't an option. I really want one. My sister and I haven't been close most of our lives (she's 8 years older than me). But we've been getting a lot closer in the past few years -  she's the one who was with me when I picked out the dress, and is going above and beyond with planning. Plus, I was a second choice bridesmaid in her wedding. I don't know if that changes anything. 

mikenberger

For me, not having a maid of honor isn't an option. I really want one. My sister and I haven't been close most of our lives (she's 8 years older than me). But we've been getting a lot closer in the past few years -  she's the one who was with me when I picked out the dress, and is going above and beyond with planning. Plus, I was a second choice bridesmaid in her wedding. I don't know if that changes anything. 

Then just talk to her. You know your sister better than us. Tell her that you'd be really happy to have her by your side. 

 Why do you have to have a MOH? I'm curious.

ETA: Clarification - not to have her as MOH. To have as a bridesmaid.

flantastic

Knottie16077462 said:

For me, not having a maid of honor isn't an option. I really want one. My sister and I haven't been close most of our lives (she's 8 years older than me). But we've been getting a lot closer in the past few years -  she's the one who was with me when I picked out the dress, and is going above and beyond with planning. Plus, I was a second choice bridesmaid in her wedding. I don't know if that changes anything. 

Not really. Oddly enough, the people who are okay with making others be second-string in roles of honor usually aren't okay with it themselves. Just because she did that to you doesn't justify the return.

Just don't have a MOH, and have however many BMs you still have. No one will care.

If it were just a matter of rethinking the fact that you should have asked your sister, I think there are ways you could say that - "It was silly of me not to think to ask you earlier, but I'd love to have you as a bridesmaid." But since your MOH dropped out, it might still look to her like you replaced her in order to maintain even sides, which is a shitty reason to make someone feel replaceable.

[Deleted User]

It's not really that I want even sides. I would at least want a maid of honor, but if I promoted one of my bridesmaids, I'm afraid one of them (who I used to be really close with, but have grown apart from) would be offended if I didn't promote her. I feel like adding my sister would be the least likely to lead to snide subtweeting from the bridesmaid.

AddieCake

What do you mean it's "not an option"? It certainly is an option. You just don't want to take it. If it's a big deal to you to have one, then you are just going to have to bite the bullet and risk your sister feeling like a second string replacement. Maybe she won't care and it will all be fine. 

flantastic

Knottie16077462 said:

It's not really that I want even sides. I would at least want a maid of honor, but if I promoted one of my bridesmaids, I'm afraid one of them (who I used to be really close with, but have grown apart from) would be offended if I didn't promote her. I feel like adding my sister would be the least likely to lead to snide subtweeting from the bridesmaid.

Why? 

The MOH is not a role, it is the title you give your closest friend(s). It's too bad your closest friend can't be in the wedding, but such is life. Why add the distinctions to someone you didn't consider for the title the first time around because you're not that close?

blushingbride8888

I don't think you need a MOH. Honestly, unless they're wearing different dresses and the MOH is really going to stick out in terms of attire, no one will even notice. Anyone can give a speech if you choose as well. Don't stress over it. I do think asking your sister now - especially since she isn't even a bridesmaid - would seem like she was an afterthought.

jacques27

Why do you want a maid of honor?

They don't DO anything any differently than a bridesmaid.  They don't help you plan your wedding (that's for you and your FI and anyone you decide to hire like a wedding planner to do).  They don't have any jobs (except show up sober in a the proper attire and stand next to you while you get married).

It's a ceremonial title you honor the people who are closest to you who you want standing up with you as you get married.  That's all it is.  The person who you wanted to honor with that title has another obligation, and that's disappointing.

Is having a ceremonial figurehead that important to you that you feel people are interchangeable and replaceable?

esstee33

flantastic said:

Knottie16077462 said:

It's not really that I want even sides. I would at least want a maid of honor, but if I promoted one of my bridesmaids, I'm afraid one of them (who I used to be really close with, but have grown apart from) would be offended if I didn't promote her. I feel like adding my sister would be the least likely to lead to snide subtweeting from the bridesmaid.

Why? 

The MOH is not a role, it is the title you give your closest friend(s). It's too bad your closest friend can't be in the wedding, but such is life. Why add the distinctions to someone you didn't consider for the title the first time around because you're not that close?

This, exactly. 

OP, why did you choose the girl to be your MoH that you chose the first time? Because she was your dearest friend and you couldn't imagine her not being at your side? If so, you can't just replace that with any warm body who happens to be "good enough" to fill that spot. Just let it go and don't replace your friend. You're treating these people like they're props. 

mlg78

"PROMOTED"??? It's not a job! You don't get promoted! You don't have tasks, you don't do work...so there's nothing to promote someone to. Your MOH can't be there and that's unfortunate but you certainly don't replace her.

slothiegal

Yeah, count me in as another who doesn't really understand this.  My MOH did exactly what every other one of my BMs did (got a dress, showed up by my side, drank mimosas with me as we got our hair done).  If she hadn't been able to make it (and she almost didn't, due to a case of strep), I would've been sad--but it would'e been because my best friend wouldn't have been there, not my "maid of honor".  

I strongly suggest against selecting a secondary MOH and just sticking with your current BMs.

WhatawagSBNy

She is your sister. Follow your feelings and do not worry about what other people, including us, will think.

fwtx5815

Knottie16077462 said:

It's not really that I want even sides. I would at least want a maid of honor, but if I promoted one of my bridesmaids, I'm afraid one of them (who I used to be really close with, but have grown apart from) would be offended if I didn't promote her. I feel like adding my sister would be the least likely to lead to snide subtweeting from the bridesmaid.

You're trying to do this to prevent snide subtweeting from your BMs on Twitter? I'm rolling my eyes so hard.

I don't think you can be reasoned with.

Btw how old are you?

Maggie0829

You do realize that BMs and MOHs do the same thing right (and that is buy the chosen dress and show up on time to your wedding)?  And the only time anyone will know if you had a MOH or not is if you have programs.  Even then you don't have to designate who is a BM and who is a MOH, you can just list them as "attendants."

Do you think that the MOH does something different then the BMs?  The MOH role is a position of honor you give to your nearest and dearest.  Seeing as the person you chose for that position is unfortunately not going to be able to attend then that does not mean you choose a second choice. Your already chosen MOH should still be considered your MOH, she just unfortunately will not be there in person on your wedding day.

mikenberger

Knottie16077462 said:

It's not really that I want even sides. I would at least want a maid of honor, but if I promoted one of my bridesmaids, I'm afraid one of them (who I used to be really close with, but have grown apart from) would be offended if I didn't promote her. I feel like adding my sister would be the least likely to lead to snide subtweeting from the bridesmaid.

So you're choosing your sister, yes because you've gotten closer over the past few months/years, but because you WANT a MOH and your sister would regard the least in snide commentary from your current bridesmaids?

Wow. Sounds like a treat. As the other PPs have said, MOHs don't do anything above and beyond a "regular" bridesmaid. You seem to just want another cog in your wedding machine.

redoryx

Knottie16077462 said:

It's not really that I want even sides. I would at least want a maid of honor, but if I promoted one of my bridesmaids, I'm afraid one of them (who I used to be really close with, but have grown apart from) would be offended if I didn't promote her. I feel like adding my sister would be the least likely to lead to snide subtweeting from the bridesmaid.

It's not a job. There is no such thing as a promotion. It's just a different honorary title. The MOH has no different duties or responsibilities from any BM so it really makes no difference what you call them, it's all the same thing.

If your one friend is petty enough to get offended if you don't "promote" her she's probably going to be petty enough to get offended that you bring in your sister as a pinch hitter MOH when you didn't even want your sister as a BM in the first place. And, to be honest, if I was your sister I'd probably be offended about being B-Listed into the Bridal Party, too.

flantastic

WhatawagSBNy said:

She is your sister. Follow your feelings and do not worry about what other people, including us, will think.

OP doesn't have to follow our advice, sure. I don't particularly care if she does. But it's the surest way that her BMs, best friend/former MOH and sister won't be offended. We're trying to help.

jelly1313

I disagree with almost everyone on here. If you want her to be the MOH then just ask her. Tell her that you really appreciate all the help she has been giving you and you would be honoured for her to be your MOH. If she has been this close in all the planning then she will know your current MOH isn't going to be able to make it to the wedding. I really don't understand why she would be insulted. It seems like planning the wedding has brought you closer. Its your wedding and your wedding party. If its your sister you want then ask her. 

southernbelle0915

Knottie15079655 said:

I disagree with almost everyone on here. If you want her to be the MOH then just ask her. Tell her that you really appreciate all the help she has been giving you and you would be honoured for her to be your MOH. If she has been this close in all the planning then she will know your current MOH isn't going to be able to make it to the wedding. I really don't understand why she would be insulted. It seems like planning the wedding has brought you closer. Its your wedding and your wedding party. If its your sister you want then ask her. 

She would be insulted because she is being B-listed as a second rate MOH. If OP's MOH didn't step down, she never would have asked her sister. She's literally saying "well, this person can't come, so I'm inviting you."

zitiqueen

So you're saying you feel that your only options are to have a MOH or cancel the wedding? 

ohannabelle

zitiqueen said:

So you're saying you feel that your only options are to have a MOH or cancel the wedding? 

That's what I'd do.

Screw it. If there isn't an invisible title included for someone, it isn't a real wedding.

WhatawagSBNy

Not everyone, especially a sister, would feel or care about being B listed. Lots of sisters are not into ranking people or making fine etiquette distinctions. They may care more about their lifetime bond as sisters, where how close they are year to year may vary, but the love underneath is always strong. Sister may well feel wedding planning has brought them closer and be willing now where she would not want to have been chosen as MOH to begin with.

And the other MOH may feel better if she is replaced, because she will never feel guilty about letting her friend down.

Etiquette rules are supposed to smooth the waters, and any time all parties involved are happy with the final outcome, that is perfect etiquette. The arrangement of social actions and agreements to the benefit of all involved is the goal, not giving people a hard time because what they did does not match other posters' ideal standards.

OliveOilsMom

OP, you can still act as if your BFF is your MOH.  She just happens to not be at your wedding in person.  You can still have her in the program and maybe put a small blurb that she is missing the wedding due to her mission work.

Also add me to the camp of, don't add your sister as MOH.  My sister's wedding was a year and a half ago.  Her one friend ended up dropping out of the wedding.  My sister immediately wanted to replace her.  I said why?  And also told her that it would make her friend feel replaceable and that her other friend was a 2nd choice BM candidate.  Thankfully my sister realized how bad it could effect both her friendships and left her BP alone.  I hope you can see the same.

flantastic

WhatawagSBNy said:

Not everyone, especially a sister, would feel or care about being B listed. Lots of sisters are not into ranking people or making fine etiquette distinctions. They may care more about their lifetime bond as sisters, where how close they are year to year may vary, but the love underneath is always strong. Sister may well feel wedding planning has brought them closer and be willing now where she would not want to have been chosen as MOH to begin with. And the other MOH may feel better if she is replaced, because she will never feel guilty about letting her friend down. Etiquette rules are supposed to smooth the waters, and any time all parties involved are happy with the final outcome, that is perfect etiquette. The arrangement of social actions and agreements to the benefit of all involved is the goal, not giving people a hard time because what they did does not match other posters' ideal standards.

There are a lot of "mays" in that post. It is much less likely that "smoothing the waters" will be the outcome if sister replaces MOH than if nothing is done at all. Especially because sister has given no indication that she needs or wants a WP title and was upset to be left out the first time.

This is not a situation that needs smoothing, and I think it would be better if OP realized that than if she continued to worry about having a particular title of honor.

mikenberger

WhatawagSBNy said:

Not everyone, especially a sister, would feel or care about being B listed. Lots of sisters are not into ranking people or making fine etiquette distinctions. They may care more about their lifetime bond as sisters, where how close they are year to year may vary, but the love underneath is always strong. Sister may well feel wedding planning has brought them closer and be willing now where she would not want to have been chosen as MOH to begin with. And the other MOH may feel better if she is replaced, because she will never feel guilty about letting her friend down. Etiquette rules are supposed to smooth the waters, and any time all parties involved are happy with the final outcome, that is perfect etiquette. The arrangement of social actions and agreements to the benefit of all involved is the goal, not giving people a hard time because what they did does not match other posters' ideal standards.

If you cared about my lifetime bond as your sister, I would've been the first choice for MOH or bridesmaid. This bride has selected neither for her sister. And only now that she has a spot in her roster, she calls up her sister from the minor leagues. I wholeheartedly disagree with your commentary. 

I think it would be different if she was adding the sister to her existing bridal party, not choosing to replace a member of her bridal party. (Her words, not mine.)

[Deleted User]

First, was MOH your only BM? If she was then I think it's ok to ask your sister. You were obviously trying to keep it small & simple if by only having on BM and things changed, which your sister would be aware of the details and understanding hopefully. Now if you have other BM, the I would just leave things as is & not have a MOH.

[Deleted User]

Erikan73 said:

First, was MOH your only BM? If she was then I think it's ok to ask your sister. You were obviously trying to keep it small & simple if by only having on BM and things changed, which your sister would be aware of the details and understanding hopefully. Now if you have other BM, the I would just leave things as is & not have a MOH.

No, she has bridesmaids because she was talking about not wanting to "promote" a bridesmaid because the other bridesmaid would be hurt.

Knottie13257900

I think you should just ask her. Don't offer an explanation. Then, IF she asks why you didn't ask her earlier, just explain how you didn't feel like you were that close growing up but now you see it differently etc