Accommodation query

Knottie62408625

A relatively new friend to whom I have become quite close has invited us to her wedding with 4 weeks to go.  Her wedding is very intimate (only 25 guests) and she has booked a boutique lodge in its entirety for the weekend with all expenses being paid for by the bride and groom.  Unfortunately because we were invited as extra guests (there was only enough accommodation at the lodge for the original guest list) we are staying at a place five minutes up the road.  I recently found out from another attending guest that she is paying for everyone else's accommodation expenses.  She has not offered to pay for ours.  Should I bring this up with her or just let it go?

Jen4948

If you haven't already accepted the invitation I'd decline because she B-listed you which was very rude.

If you plan to go anyway, I wouldn't bring it up with her because it would come across like you're pouting "no fair, everyone else got paid for and I had to cover my own costs!" It sucks, but there you go.

JoanE2012

Yeah, I'm with Jen....I wouldn't attend if I knew I was B-listed.

mikenberger

Knottie62408625 said:

A relatively new friend to whom I have become quite close has invited us to her wedding with 4 weeks to go.  Her wedding is very intimate (only 25 guests) and she has booked a boutique lodge in its entirety for the weekend with all expenses being paid for by the bride and groom.  Unfortunately because we were invited as extra guests (there was only enough accommodation at the lodge for the original guest list) we are staying at a place five minutes up the road.  I recently found out from another attending guest that she is paying for everyone else's accommodation expenses.  She has not offered to pay for ours.  Should I bring this up with her or just let it go?

Dude, your bride sucks. So if there are extra spaces, why are you not in the lodge? Why are you up the road? Personally, I'd be seeing if I could get a refund and something "came up" for that weekend. 

Suck a toad, bridezilla. 

SP29

I think you should let it go.

The B&G are not required to pay for accommodations, so it would be rude to ask.

I would be a bit miffed if I found out a friend was paying for everyone else's accommodations, but not mine- not because it's required, but because it comes off as they are important and you are not, but that is a personal issue, not an etiquette one. Are you SURE they are paying everyone's accommodations and not just a couple of people who said they couldn't afford to come? Technically, what the B&G choose to do with their money privately is their business- which is why the other guest shouldn't have brought it up, because it does hurt feelings. But the B&G aren't required to pay for you too. 

I think you need to decide if you and your SO can afford the trip on your own and if the B&G want to cover your accommodations it will be a nice surprise. 

P.S. I do agree about the B-listing, if that's what happened. I took the original post as you two are new friends, so she invited you later. 

southernbelle0915

It's pretty obvious you were B-listed, so there's that.

B&Gs are not required to pay for accommodations. Is it shitty they're paying for SOME guests and not others? Maybe - depends on who the other guests are (i.e. maybe they're just paying for WP or just family, etc.). Either way, they're not required to pay for your lodging, but it would be crappy if they pais for everyone's BUT yours. Plus plunking you at an offsite hotel. 

Anyway, if you're offended by being an after thought, just decline the invite. If not, just go and have fun.

Knottie62408625

Thank you for the replies.  I am a little confused what you mean by B-listing?  We have only been friends a couple of months. Mikenberger, there is no more accommodation in the lodge (it can only accommodate the original guest list).  The bride and groom are quite wealthy and I have no doubt everything is being paid for.  They are covering all our meals and activities for the weekend and even my hair and makeup as a guest.  I guess that is also why I feel bad about raising the accommodation issue.

redoryx

A-List -- The people on the original guest list.

B-List -- People usually have a list of guests they would have liked to invite if their budget/space of venue allowed. If an A-Lister RSVPs no, that opens up a space at which point someone from the B-List is now issued an invitation, with the invitation arriving weeks after the initial ones were sent out.

B-Listing is rude because it essentially tells the person "We didn't think you were important enough to invite you the first time around but since this More Important Person said no I guess we can make room for you now"

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie62408625 said:

Thank you for the replies.  I am a little confused what you mean by B-listing?  We have only been friends a couple of months. Mikenberger, there is no more accommodation in the lodge (it can only accommodate the original guest list).  The bride and groom are quite wealthy and I have no doubt everything is being paid for.  They are covering all our meals and activities for the weekend and even my hair and makeup as a guest.  I guess that is also why I feel bad about raising the accommodation issue.

Invitations typically go out 8 weeks or 6 weeks in advance of the RSVP date chosen by the bride and groom.  Because you received your invitation a month before the wedding, we suspect that you were not originally on the couple's actual invite list and are an "addon" after they received declines from people actually on their invite list.

That is what B-Listing means.

SP29

B-listing is when you invite a guest(s) after invitations have gone out, usually because you've gotten declines and can now afford to host more people. It is rude because you are telling a guest that they are less important, and one should always budget for their guest list from the get-go.

Your situation is a bit different, you became friends right before the wedding and the bride now feels like you are a close friend. This doesn't bother me, as long as it doesn't bother you, then accept.

The B&G are already being more than generous because accommodations, meals, hair and make up (say what?) are not required to be paid for, for any guest. I would not bring it up, but if you say the B&G are paying for everything, for everyone, then you may be pleasantly surprised later if they ask to cover your hotel bill. Maybe they will ask after the wedding. But either way, it will be a pleasant surprise, because regardless of what they are paying for, it is not required of them to pay your accommodations. 

flantastic

Knottie62408625 said:

Thank you for the replies.  I am a little confused what you mean by B-listing?  We have only been friends a couple of months. Mikenberger, there is no more accommodation in the lodge (it can only accommodate the original guest list).  The bride and groom are quite wealthy and I have no doubt everything is being paid for.  They are covering all our meals and activities for the weekend and even my hair and makeup as a guest.  I guess that is also why I feel bad about raising the accommodation issue.

B-listing is when you invite other people to fill the space opened up by those who decline. It's really rude because it sounds like "you weren't good enough to make the cut the first time, but now that someone more important has declined, you may have the privilege of attending." That may not be what happened here, per the paragraph below, but if it is what's happening then PPs are wondering why those people's spaces aren't also available in the hotel.

It sounds like maybe the venue for the wedding itself can hold more than the group they originally planned to invite, and she invited you because you're just now becoming close. But everyone else who they originally planned for accepted and is taking up all the accommodations, where they had only the capacity for that list.

Knottie62408625

The lodge is small (I am sorry if I gave the impression it was larger) and can only accommodate the original guest list of 23.  They have exclusive use of the lodge for the weekend. If there were extra rooms available, I am sure they would have accommodated us there. All the original invited guests RSVP'd yes.  There were no declines.  

I feel like it is best I say nothing, if it hadn't been for the other guest I certainly wouldn't have known about the accommodation payment arrangement, only the expenses they were covering for my husband and myself that I mentioned in my previous post.

huskypuppy14

Knottie62408625 said:

The lodge is small (I am sorry if I gave the impression it was larger) and can only accommodate the original guest list of 23.  They have exclusive use of the lodge for the weekend. If there were extra rooms available, I am sure they would have accommodated us there. All the original invited guests RSVP'd yes.  There were no declines.  

I feel like it is best I say nothing, if it hadn't been for the other guest I certainly wouldn't have known about the accommodation payment arrangement, only the expenses they were covering for my husband and myself that I mentioned in my previous post.

With this new info, it actually doesn't sound like you were B-listed.  I agree with @SP29 above. Yes, you got your invitation later than everyone else, but you just became friends right when her invitations went out. She thinks you are good enough of a friend after only knowing you a couple months, then I think this is an exception to the B list rule.

Also, it sucks that you are not in the hotel/lodge as everyone else, but like a PP said, maybe the bride will offer to pay your hotel cost as well.  I would not bring it up to her.