Wedding Etiquette Forum

Troublesome Sister

My sister has been in trouble with the law numerous times in the past 7 or 8 years, in and out of jail and treatment. She has a drinking problem and she seems to have it under control for the most part, but every few months she relapses and does something crazy or stupid and gets herself back into trouble. After which she she regrets it and promises shes never going to drink again. She was doing really well for the past almost year so I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. Then two weeks ago she went out and got drunk with her coworkers, passed out and got taken to detox. While she didn't get in any legal trouble this time, she is still on probation from the last offense last year. My fiance wants her out of the wedding because he's very worried she may not show up or be in jail or who knows where on our big day. There is a chance this could happen but also a chance nothing will happen at all. The only option I feel I have is to make up some duties for her and have her be a personal attendant to make her still be a part of the wedding, but not a huge loss if unable to attend. I do not want her out completely. I'm stuck between my sister and my fiance. I cannot make both happy. Help!

Answers

  • She can remain in the wedding...it is what YOU want, after all.  If she shows, she shows...if not, so be it.  We found out the evening before the wedding one of our groomsmen couldn't be there.  Nobody asked where Ben was...he simply wasn't there.
  • Just leave it be.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Your FI should not dictate who is your bridesmaids. What does he think is going to happen if she doesn't show?
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  • Your FI should not dictate who is your bridesmaids. What does he think is going to happen if she doesn't show?

    Yes, this. If she doesn't show up, oh well. He doesn't get to dictate this.
  • My sister has been in trouble with the law numerous times in the past 7 or 8 years, in and out of jail and treatment. She has a drinking problem and she seems to have it under control for the most part, but every few months she relapses and does something crazy or stupid and gets herself back into trouble. After which she she regrets it and promises shes never going to drink again. She was doing really well for the past almost year so I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. Then two weeks ago she went out and got drunk with her coworkers, passed out and got taken to detox. While she didn't get in any legal trouble this time, she is still on probation from the last offense last year. My fiance wants her out of the wedding because he's very worried she may not show up or be in jail or who knows where on our big day. There is a chance this could happen but also a chance nothing will happen at all. The only option I feel I have is to make up some duties for her and have her be a personal attendant to make her still be a part of the wedding, but not a huge loss if unable to attend. I do not want her out completely. I'm stuck between my sister and my fiance. I cannot make both happy. Help!

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    She is your sister. You do not want to drop your personal support in general, and leave her even further in need of whatever she gets from drinking. Particularly if this last no drinking period she kept her resolve not to drink longer than before.
    Everyone's goal is to get an alcoholic to quit. But in reality if after detox she can keep off the sauce even a year and a half or two before the next relapse, that would be huge progress.

    So leave the door open. Don't count on her so much you will get upset. All a BM needs to do is show up well groomed and nicely dressed on the day.
    Don't hold up other dress orders or make any one else dependent on her, because she does not need the pressure and you don't need the grief. But see she gets one if you have to go with just her and buy it. The true test of whether you as bride have asked ladies to buy reasonable things, is to buy your sister's dress!

    She likely will be a now show for at least one party, but it may mean she thinks she will slip up and drink, so she suddenly decides not to come. GOOD . A sign she is trying. One day at a time.
    If she does not make it on wedding day, it won't be for lack of your love and support.

    It is not good to enable an alcoholic. But it is cruel to cut someone who is starting over and trying hard.

    See if she tries after rehab. Most alcoholics are like toddlers learning to walk. They are likely to fall down. But if they can get back up and walk further every time, one day they pretty much stop falling.
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