Troublesome Sister

lhavemeier

My sister has been in trouble with the law numerous times in the past 7 or 8 years, in and out of jail and treatment. She has a drinking problem and she seems to have it under control for the most part, but every few months she relapses and does something crazy or stupid and gets herself back into trouble. After which she she regrets it and promises shes never going to drink again. She was doing really well for the past almost year so I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. Then two weeks ago she went out and got drunk with her coworkers, passed out and got taken to detox. While she didn't get in any legal trouble this time, she is still on probation from the last offense last year. My fiance wants her out of the wedding because he's very worried she may not show up or be in jail or who knows where on our big day. There is a chance this could happen but also a chance nothing will happen at all. The only option I feel I have is to make up some duties for her and have her be a personal attendant to make her still be a part of the wedding, but not a huge loss if unable to attend. I do not want her out completely. I'm stuck between my sister and my fiance. I cannot make both happy. Help!

flantastic

lhavemeier said:

My sister has been in trouble with the law numerous times in the past 7 or 8 years, in and out of jail and treatment. She has a drinking problem and she seems to have it under control for the most part, but every few months she relapses and does something crazy or stupid and gets herself back into trouble. After which she she regrets it and promises shes never going to drink again. She was doing really well for the past almost year so I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. Then two weeks ago she went out and got drunk with her coworkers, passed out and got taken to detox. While she didn't get in any legal trouble this time, she is still on probation from the last offense last year. My fiance wants her out of the wedding because he's very worried she may not show up or be in jail or who knows where on our big day. There is a chance this could happen but also a chance nothing will happen at all. The only option I feel I have is to make up some duties for her and have her be a personal attendant to make her still be a part of the wedding, but not a huge loss if unable to attend. I do not want her out completely. I'm stuck between my sister and my fiance. I cannot make both happy. Help!

I would give it until the day of the wedding - similar to the advice we give to people with pregnant BMs who are due near the wedding. If your sister is able, she'll be a BM; if not, she won't. What is the worst thing that can happen if she doesn't pull through? Your sides aren't even? Even sides actually affects nothing important at all. It shouldn't be as much of a concern as your sister.

If she's in jail on your wedding day, I think that'll be the exact same amount of upsetting to you whether or not she's in your wedding party. Kicking her out won't help that at all. Your fiancé's reasoning doesn't make any sense. Tell him that this is your family and your sister and you'll have to handle it your way. You'll still get married at the end of the day, even if a BM doesn't show.

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ohannabelle

lhavemeier said:

My sister has been in trouble with the law numerous times in the past 7 or 8 years, in and out of jail and treatment. She has a drinking problem and she seems to have it under control for the most part, but every few months she relapses and does something crazy or stupid and gets herself back into trouble. After which she she regrets it and promises shes never going to drink again. She was doing really well for the past almost year so I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. Then two weeks ago she went out and got drunk with her coworkers, passed out and got taken to detox. While she didn't get in any legal trouble this time, she is still on probation from the last offense last year. My fiance wants her out of the wedding because he's very worried she may not show up or be in jail or who knows where on our big day. There is a chance this could happen but also a chance nothing will happen at all. The only option I feel I have is to make up some duties for her and have her be a personal attendant to make her still be a part of the wedding, but not a huge loss if unable to attend. I do not want her out completely. I'm stuck between my sister and my fiance. I cannot make both happy. Help!

If she doesn't show up, so what?

You can't get married?

How about doing the right thing and keeping your word, which you gave her when you told her you wanted her to be in your wedding? If she doesn't show, you get married without her. 

If you tell her she's no longer a bridesmaid and give her  some invented BS job like guest book watching or "personal attendant" you're being seriously rude and unkind. 

Un-asking a bridesmaid is pretty much a friendship ending move. 

mlg78

She can remain in the wedding...it is what YOU want, after all.  If she shows, she shows...if not, so be it.  We found out the evening before the wedding one of our groomsmen couldn't be there.  Nobody asked where Ben was...he simply wasn't there.

AddieCake

Just leave it be.

huskypuppy14

Your FI should not dictate who is your bridesmaids. What does he think is going to happen if she doesn't show?

climbingsingle

huskypuppy14 said:

Your FI should not dictate who is your bridesmaids. What does he think is going to happen if she doesn't show?

Yes, this. If she doesn't show up, oh well. He doesn't get to dictate this.

zitiqueen

You want to give her the bullshit made-up job of being your unpaid bridal bitch after you kick her out of your wedding party? No, that's not insulting at all. I'm sure she'd love that.

WhatawagSBNy

lhavemeier said:

My sister has been in trouble with the law numerous times in the past 7 or 8 years, in and out of jail and treatment. She has a drinking problem and she seems to have it under control for the most part, but every few months she relapses and does something crazy or stupid and gets herself back into trouble. After which she she regrets it and promises shes never going to drink again. She was doing really well for the past almost year so I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. Then two weeks ago she went out and got drunk with her coworkers, passed out and got taken to detox. While she didn't get in any legal trouble this time, she is still on probation from the last offense last year. My fiance wants her out of the wedding because he's very worried she may not show up or be in jail or who knows where on our big day. There is a chance this could happen but also a chance nothing will happen at all. The only option I feel I have is to make up some duties for her and have her be a personal attendant to make her still be a part of the wedding, but not a huge loss if unable to attend. I do not want her out completely. I'm stuck between my sister and my fiance. I cannot make both happy. Help!

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She is your sister. You do not want to drop your personal support in general, and leave her even further in need of whatever she gets from drinking. Particularly if this last no drinking period she kept her resolve not to drink longer than before.
Everyone's goal is to get an alcoholic to quit. But in reality if after detox she can keep off the sauce even a year and a half or two before the next relapse, that would be huge progress.

So leave the door open. Don't count on her so much you will get upset. All a BM needs to do is show up well groomed and nicely dressed on the day.
Don't hold up other dress orders or make any one else dependent on her, because she does not need the pressure and you don't need the grief. But see she gets one if you have to go with just her and buy it. The true test of whether you as bride have asked ladies to buy reasonable things, is to buy your sister's dress!

She likely will be a now show for at least one party, but it may mean she thinks she will slip up and drink, so she suddenly decides not to come. GOOD . A sign she is trying. One day at a time.
If she does not make it on wedding day, it won't be for lack of your love and support.

It is not good to enable an alcoholic. But it is cruel to cut someone who is starting over and trying hard.

See if she tries after rehab. Most alcoholics are like toddlers learning to walk. They are likely to fall down. But if they can get back up and walk further every time, one day they pretty much stop falling.