People Needs To Stop Asking This!

MissKittyDanger

Okay, so personal thing here and MAYBEEEE some people have had similar situation and can tell me how they got through!

My dad passed away suddenly in April 2014. I am getting married August 2015.

Yes I am having a hard time with some things because the constant plan was he was suppose to help me find my dress, walk me down the aisle and father-daughter dance. This was always the plan and I already do not like change.

So people keep asking me what I'm changing to alter this.

Not only that, people keep asking me how I'm doing with planning a wedding without him.

Am I allowed to yell at people?
I am not bride-zilla at all, and I don't like confrontation. Nor am I vastly stressed out over the wedding. A few months ago when my friend/bridesmaid asked how it was going with that, I started crying in the mall.

Same friend asked me recently, and I said "it's hard but I like what i'm doing as a change." and swiftly changed the subject.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who is trying to deal with this or has dealt with it .... help!?

Maggie0829

I am sorry to hear about your Dad.

People can be unknowingly offensive.  I doubt they are doing this to make you upset or hurt your feelings.  I think this is just their way of checking in with you to see how you are doing.

Next time someone says something to the affect of "how are you doing without him?"  Simply say "I would prefer not to discuss it" or "I am sure my Dad would be happy with everything I have planned." and then change the subject.

Just know that people are not trying to upset you and that they are probably genuinely concerned about how you are doing.

ohannabelle

What Maggie said. 

People think they're really saying kind and sensitive things, and recognizing your feelings, but sometimes they just do it assbackwards. 

Once I asked my daughter if it would be rude if I wore a pin that said DON'T F-ING HUG ME. Because sometimes you just don't want well meant tender sympathy, you want to be left alone for whatever reason.

Unfortunately, people will keep being people and saying the wrong thing. 

Only options:

Repeating to yourself that it really is well meant, and they care, and nicely changing the subject, or......

Cutting them off very sharply and rudely and changing the subject before they even finish speaking the thought.

The first option is the correct and kind one, but the second one really works damned well. Why lie? I don't like being rude or sharp with well meaning people. But it sure as hell stops it from happening a second time. They'll forgive you.

People: Take note- when dealing with wounded people, listen to them. Think more about what they're saying/not saying than thinking about what you're going to say.

 "How's it going?" or "How are things?" are good. If your friend wants to share deep thoughts, and sensitive information, they will. Let them lead. (And forgive them if they get all snappy and bite your face off. Some cranky old bitch probably told them it was a great coping technique.) 

lnixon8

Sorry about your Dad. Not sure about the random people bringing this up to you but as for your friend/bridesmaid, I would try and focus on the first part: she is your friend. She is trying. I would shoot her a text or email when you're feeling non-confrontational (not like...an hour after she brings it up) and just explain that you don't want to talk about, especially not in public; you appreciate that she's trying and if you need to talk you know she's there.

If I got a text like that I would feel bad I upset you, but not defensive or anything.

knottie9c5ed33df4bbd226

mrsspence87 said:

Okay, so personal thing here and MAYBEEEE some people have had similar situation and can tell me how they got through!

My dad passed away suddenly in April 2014. I am getting married August 2015.

Yes I am having a hard time with some things because the constant plan was he was suppose to help me find my dress, walk me down the aisle and father-daughter dance. This was always the plan and I already do not like change.

So people keep asking me what I'm changing to alter this.

Not only that, people keep asking me how I'm doing with planning a wedding without him.

Am I allowed to yell at people?
I am not bride-zilla at all, and I don't like confrontation. Nor am I vastly stressed out over the wedding. A few months ago when my friend/bridesmaid asked how it was going with that, I started crying in the mall.

Same friend asked me recently, and I said "it's hard but I like what i'm doing as a change." and swiftly changed the subject.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who is trying to deal with this or has dealt with it .... help!?

I am sorry you are going through this. My close friend got married in May and she lost her dad 5 years ago. People EVERYWHERE kept asking about it and pushing it. She just tried to change the subject whenever it came up or if it was at an appointment or with friends, one of us (bridesmaids) would try to dodge the question or change the subject. I think people don't always "get" it and keep asking.

KatieinBkln

Ugh, what a hard thing. I'm sorry about your dad. That sucks.

I think PPs have good advice. As far as an actual thing to say, if you want to go the "I know they mean well but FFS" route, I've always liked "You're so kind to be thinking of me" and then change the subject. "I'd rather not talk about it" is also acceptable for people who can't take hints.

It's not fair that you're the one who lost her dad and now you have to teach people How to People as well. It's shit. But you can do it.

MissKittyDanger

Thanks everyone! I actually recognize a few of your usernames from previous people's posts you gave great advise!

Cookie Pusher

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but PPs definitely gave you great advice. My dad passed away in '01 and I was still getting those kinds of questions before my wedding last summer. Seriously, people, boundaries!