So just an update on my FI's dad and why I haven't been around

dolewhipper

lacqueredlover

I know you are going through a lot, and especially your Fi and his family. I have been in your Fi shoes and my Fi has been in yours; I can tell you my Fi has repeatedly told me he feels hopeless and like he can't do anything to help me, but that's BS. Just being there for your Fi right now, getting him coffee/tea/a cigarette/other escape to calm down will be such a huge help. Right now its the little things.

If you want to help your Fi family, doing things like bringing over food (lasagna or other crocked pot food is great), picking up prescriptions, or doing little things around the house are huge. 

And I'm not sure what you believe in, but rest assured I believe he will be at your wedding, see his granddaughter be born and is probably partying it up in Nepal right now.

T&P to you and your family. I'm with Jells when I say, FUCK CANCER!

lacqueredlover

@dolewhipper I so wish you were right but the family is just pushing me away.  No matter what I offer or try to help with, I'm just wrong and they are just not handling the grief well.  His mom is coccooning her sons (who are 38 and 42) and just shutting out everyone else and quite frankly, being mean.  It's been a rough week.

dolewhipper

lacqueredlover said:

@dolewhipper I so wish you were right but the family is just pushing me away.  No matter what I offer or try to help with, I'm just wrong and they are just not handling the grief well.  His mom is coccooning her sons (who are 38 and 42) and just shutting out everyone else and quite frankly, being mean.  It's been a rough week.

This is natural. I did the same. I pushed everyone away. But I remember now the people that kept trying. And I so do appreciate them now, and love them for it.

Sometimes it's better to not even offer, because then they feel like they're a burden. Just do it. If you can shovel snow, or bring food. Things you know they need to do but don't want to/can't fathom doing at the present time. I know when people offered things for me I turned them down.

This is a long, hard road but I promise you, it is worth it. My Fi and I are so much stronger after all this, and my family saw what he did for me and my step mom and rest of the family, and they all love him for it too. 

lacqueredlover

I hope you're right because right now, it seems that he and his family are pulling us apart and I'm really scared

FiancB

I'm so sorry. Damn, that is really sad. Usually if there's an advantage or silver lining with terminal illness, it's that everyone has some time to come to terms with it but that is so fast. I'm really sorry. Hang  in there, people will come around and appreciate having you there but they are going to lash out for a while. 

lacqueredlover

I was now told he needs to just be with his family (including sister in law) and was told to give him space.  I'm just lost right now.

pinkcow13

I'm so sorry. Everyone grieves differently, and this was a major blow to him. He is probably struggling to process it all. I'm sending you many hugs. And if you need to get away and talk, or grab a coffee or something, I'm right across the street! 

climbingsingle

lacqueredlover said:

I was now told he needs to just be with his family (including sister in law) and was told to give him space.  I'm just lost right now.

I'm so sorry. Did your FI say this to you? 

lacqueredlover

climbingwife said:

lacqueredlover said:

I was now told he needs to just be with his family (including sister in law) and was told to give him space.  I'm just lost right now.

I'm so sorry. Did your FI say this to you? 

Yep, he told me he wanted space from me to just be with his family.  I got 2 texts yesterday asking how I was holding up (I've been dealing with anxiety issues and panic attacks since about 2 months before his dad got sick) and that was it.  I'm honestly afraid once his brothers family goes back to maryland, he's basically going to move in with his mom.

lacqueredlover

pinkcow13 said:

I'm so sorry. Everyone grieves differently, and this was a major blow to him. He is probably struggling to process it all. I'm sending you many hugs. And if you need to get away and talk, or grab a coffee or something, I'm right across the street! 

Screw coffee, I need a cocktail :-)

climbingsingle

Jesus. I really am sorry that he's pulling away from you. I know we all deal with grief differently, but if it were me, I'd be hanging on so tightly to my SO. 

lacqueredlover

climbingwife said:

Jesus. I really am sorry that he's pulling away from you. I know we all deal with grief differently, but if it were me, I'd be hanging on so tightly to my SO. 

If it were me, he'd be the person I wanted by my side.  Instead he's 10 blocks away and will barely talk to me.  I understand it's a horrible tragedy but I just feel so helpless that the person that asked me to be a part of his family now wants nothing to do with me.

JennyColada

I think that it's easy for him to forget that you're going through this loss too, and that you need support too.

pinkcow13

lacqueredlover said:

pinkcow13 said:

I'm so sorry. Everyone grieves differently, and this was a major blow to him. He is probably struggling to process it all. I'm sending you many hugs. And if you need to get away and talk, or grab a coffee or something, I'm right across the street! 

Screw coffee, I need a cocktail :-)

I'm always good for a cocktail, too!

I'm really sorry that your FI is pushing you away, though. Is he any better today? 

Inkdancer

Oh sweetie, I am so so sorry. Hugs x 1000000000. 

lacqueredlover

pinkcow13 said:

lacqueredlover said:

pinkcow13 said:

I'm so sorry. Everyone grieves differently, and this was a major blow to him. He is probably struggling to process it all. I'm sending you many hugs. And if you need to get away and talk, or grab a coffee or something, I'm right across the street! 

Screw coffee, I need a cocktail :-)

I'm always good for a cocktail, too!

I'm really sorry that your FI is pushing you away, though. Is he any better today? 

Don't know, he's staying with his mom and barely speaking to me.

lovegood90

I'm so sorry to hear this is happening. Not the same situation, but last year my SOs mom was going through some really bad health issues that needed tons of surgeries; it didn't look like she was going to make it.

He travelled to his hometown to be with her and insisted on dealing with it on his own. He barely texted me once every few days. I wanted to help but knew I couldn't do anything, and he just needed his space. It hurt though because I knew if I was in that position I'd want him by my side. But I know people deal with this in different ways. After she got better he apologized about shutting me out, and said it wasn't about me at all but thanked me for giving him the space he needed.

I'm sending positive thoughts to you that everything will work out very soon!

lacqueredlover

lovegood90 said:

I'm so sorry to hear this is happening. Not the same situation, but last year my SOs mom was going through some really bad health issues that needed tons of surgeries; it didn't look like she was going to make it.

He travelled to his hometown to be with her and insisted on dealing with it on his own. He barely texted me once every few days. I wanted to help but knew I couldn't do anything, and he just needed his space. It hurt though because I knew if I was in that position I'd want him by my side. But I know people deal with this in different ways. After she got better he apologized about shutting me out, and said it wasn't about me at all but thanked me for giving him the space he needed.

I'm sending positive thoughts to you that everything will work out very soon!

See if he was in a different place I could almost understand it.  We are literally on the same street, 9 avenues apart.  It just sucks.  I'm trying to give him space but it's so hard to not be like "talk to me, how are you, are you ok, can i do anything?"

lovegood90

lacqueredlover said:

lovegood90 said:

I'm so sorry to hear this is happening. Not the same situation, but last year my SOs mom was going through some really bad health issues that needed tons of surgeries; it didn't look like she was going to make it.

He travelled to his hometown to be with her and insisted on dealing with it on his own. He barely texted me once every few days. I wanted to help but knew I couldn't do anything, and he just needed his space. It hurt though because I knew if I was in that position I'd want him by my side. But I know people deal with this in different ways. After she got better he apologized about shutting me out, and said it wasn't about me at all but thanked me for giving him the space he needed.

I'm sending positive thoughts to you that everything will work out very soon!

See if he was in a different place I could almost understand it.  We are literally on the same street, 9 avenues apart.  It just sucks.  I'm trying to give him space but it's so hard to not be like "talk to me, how are you, are you ok, can i do anything?"

Ah, yeah that totally makes more sense!

wandajune6

What about his kids? Does he have them nearby? Will they be with you? Wondering if broadening his definition of family will help.

I'm so sorry for everything you're dealing with. I wish I had helpful suggestions but instead, I've got internet hugs and wine!

lacqueredlover

wandajune6 said:

What about his kids? Does he have them nearby? Will they be with you? Wondering if broadening his definition of family will help.

I'm so sorry for everything you're dealing with. I wish I had helpful suggestions but instead, I've got internet hugs and wine!

His kids live full time with their mom, we had them this past weekend and are supposed to go out and see them tomorrow but I don't even know if he will let me come.

esstee33

Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry he's acting like this. I'm sure he's not all there right now, but this is just terrible. Does he not realize how much you're affected by the loss of his father, too? He's not the only one grieving. 

wandajune6

lacqueredlover said:

wandajune6 said:

What about his kids? Does he have them nearby? Will they be with you? Wondering if broadening his definition of family will help.

I'm so sorry for everything you're dealing with. I wish I had helpful suggestions but instead, I've got internet hugs and wine!

His kids live full time with their mom, we had them this past weekend and are supposed to go out and see them tomorrow but I don't even know if he will let me come.

Oh honey, I'm sorry.

Is there any chance that you can finagle some time alone with them? I doubt it would help FI but it might make you feel better to get some kid time in.

holyguacamole79

@lacqueredlover - you've been on my heart.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Hang in there.  And in the meantime

Unknown

This content has been removed.

JCbride2015

I am way, way late to this but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry and I'm thinking of you.  I'm also good for coffee or a drink anytime.

lacqueredlover

Thanks everyone.  He invited me to come out and see the kids tonight so hopefully that helps all of us and he's staying at home with me at least tonight.  We'll just take it day by day.

blabla89

Sometimes that's all you can do. Sending you lots of hugs and wine!