Serenity Now.

climbingsingle

I just received an invite to H's step-sister's birthday brunch in March. Step-sister is nice, but she tends to make a lot of backhanded comments directed at my husband. I really don't know why there seems to be animosity. My MIL and step-sister's father married when they were all adults. (Step-sister also has an older sister that lives close to us that we see very often). But mean step-sister is pretty flaky and unreliable and will make fun of my husband for eating right. The party is right before we're leaving for DR, and I also don't know what will be going on with the house. Will renovations have started by then? Who knows. 

MIL of course received an invite too. As you guys know, she lives in Florida. I love my MIL dearly. But she's flying up for the party and will be staying with us. So along with the stress of packing and getting ready for DR, and possibly having our master bedroom under renovation, I'll have her staying in our guest room. Which means we'd be sleeping on the couch. Though, now that we have her coming, it's very possible my husband will push back renovating the bedroom AGAIN. 

MIL did tell me that she'd be staying for a few days. And then later asked if it was OK. And then said she can help with stuff around the house. Guys, again, I love her, but she's not capable of helping with things around the house. Am I going to just give her a hammer and wish her luck? 

And yes, she did give me a chance to say no. But how can I say no? I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I know telling her she can't stay with us will hurt her feelings. I just don't get it. Our house sucks. The guest bedroom (right now) is literally right next to our bedroom. Why she doesn't say with her best friend (who lives 5 minutes from us) or even better, at a hotel, I don't understand. 

I guess I really just have myself to blame, because I guess if I really wanted to, I could put my foot down. But I don't want to make waves. Instead, I will just complain about it here. So thank you for letting me vent and complain. 

novella1186

I bet she insists on staying at your house because she really likes hanging out with you. Doesn't sound like she gets that kind of respect and good relationship from other women (like your brother's BSC girlfriend who was really mean to her). She probably has such a great time with you that she can't wait to stay at your house. 

Sorry, man. Maybe stop being so cool. 

lovegood90

Dang, that's tough! I would have talked it out with your H before giving an answer but maybe she didn't really give you guys the chance?

 If I'm having renovations, there's no way I'd be open to having houseguests over and sleeping on the couch. But it seems like she kind of put you on the spot? Is there a way to talk to your H and see if there's a way to explain to her that too much will be going on in the house to have her stay with you, or has that ship sailed?

climbingsingle

lovegood90 said:

Dang, that's tough! I would have talked it out with your H before giving an answer but maybe she didn't really give you guys the chance?

 If I'm having renovations, there's no way I'd be open to having houseguests over and sleeping on the couch. But it seems like she kind of put you on the spot? Is there a way to talk to your H and see if there's a way to explain to her that too much will be going on in the house to have her stay with you, or has that ship sailed?

Sadly I think that ship has already sailed. I did try to gently tell her this back in December. She came up and stayed with us for a week. Before we knew about this party, she told us that she'd probably come up again in the summer. And at that time, I had said, "Oh ok. The house will probably be under renovation then, and I believe H said he wanted us to stay at a hotel for a few weeks." And she was all, Ok, we'll figure it out. Ugh ugh ugh. 

And Novella, I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. I think she's lonely, and she does like spending time with us. But it's a lot, you know? 

lovegood90

climbingwife said:

lovegood90 said:

Dang, that's tough! I would have talked it out with your H before giving an answer but maybe she didn't really give you guys the chance?

 If I'm having renovations, there's no way I'd be open to having houseguests over and sleeping on the couch. But it seems like she kind of put you on the spot? Is there a way to talk to your H and see if there's a way to explain to her that too much will be going on in the house to have her stay with you, or has that ship sailed?

Sadly I think that ship has already sailed. I did try to gently tell her this back in December. She came up and stayed with us for a week. Before we knew about this party, she told us that she'd probably come up again in the summer. And at that time, I had said, "Oh ok. The house will probably be under renovation then, and I believe H said he wanted us to stay at a hotel for a few weeks." And she was all, Ok, we'll figure it out. Ugh ugh ugh. 

And Novella, I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. I think she's lonely, and she does like spending time with us. But it's a lot, you know? 

I hate when people don't take hints Ah well, hopefully it all goes smoothly! At least it's not an entire week this time. Maybe she'll realize that she's a bit of an imposition when she sees you guys on the couch, haha.

STARMOON44

No one kicks me out of my bed. Single house guests gets a pull out couch or air mattress if there's no other bed available.

pinkcow13

Ugh that really sucks. I know exactly how you feel. I don't get it, either. I feel that I would much rather stay with my best friend than with my grown son and his new wife in their home undergoing renovation. Plus, if you gave me your bed, I would feel bad putting you out like that. 

Some people are just really clueless.

climbingsingle

STARMOON44 said:

No one kicks me out of my bed. Single house guests gets a pull out couch or air mattress if there's no other bed available.

There's no way I'm putting my 65 year old MIL on an air mattress or on the couch. I wouldn't do that to my mother either.

WhatawagSBNy

STARMOON44 said:

No one kicks me out of my bed. Single house guests gets a pull out couch or air mattress if there's no other bed available.

*************
Yeah, I stopped giving up a bed for guests after college.

WhatawagSBNy

I really got fond of having two pull down Murphy beds in the house rental we had when first married.
Mothers, grandmothers, some people don't do floors.

mrsk616

i agree with OP on giving up the bed for MIL. i would not want my parents sleeping on the couch or the floor even with an air mattress. they're older than us they dont deserve to be treated like friends. 

my sister makes my nephews give up their beds when we go down to visit but its only if both beds are needed. when i went down to my sisters on my own i told her i would sleep in the spare room because i didnt want to put my nephews out if only one had to give up the bed. 

now if it was a friend they can sleep on the floor for all i care.

STARMOON44

climbingwife said:

STARMOON44 said:

No one kicks me out of my bed. Single house guests gets a pull out couch or air mattress if there's no other bed available.

There's no way I'm putting my 65 year old MIL on an air mattress or on the couch. I wouldn't do that to my mother either.

My 65 year old mother wouldn't hear of kicking me out bed. She's not an invalid! A good air mattress, preferably on a fold out frame, is a perfectly acceptable option to me.


But you seem pretty dedicated to playing the martyr about this (putting off renovations of a birthday brunch? Are you kidding me with this) so that's fine too.

lyndausvi

mrsk616 said:

i agree with OP on giving up the bed for MIL. i would not want my parents sleeping on the couch or the floor even with an air mattress. they're older than us they dont deserve to be treated like friends. 

my sister makes my nephews give up their beds when we go down to visit but its only if both beds are needed. when i went down to my sisters on my own i told her i would sleep in the spare room because i didnt want to put my nephews out if only one had to give up the bed. 

now if it was a friend they can sleep on the floor for all i care.

I would (and have) given up my bed for my parents.  We have a spare room  now, so not an issue, but I definitely would.  I just feel like it's been a good host.

  DH's mom has slept on a couch for 20 year now (I know, I know).  There are even real beds in the house, but that is where she sleeps.  So in her case I wouldn't mind giving her the couch.

Honestly,  my family are more stay at someone's house types then hotel.  For my dad's b-day I spent time with my sister first.   I got my nieces room, my brother got the nephews room.  kids bunked up together in the other nieces room.   

My mom's party is this year and there will be even more of us (17 of us).  I told my sister I would get a hotel and she begged me not to.   In a way it's easier for us.  I get more time with my sister.  We both get up before the kids and hangout. Or stay up longer while the kids go to bed.   If DH was tired he could just to go bed, at a hotel we have leave together. Or if I'm up and DH isn't I can just walked downstairs to hang out with my sister or the kids.  Help with something.  At a hotel I have to get DH up so I can go hangout.   

 We are just the types that do not mind company like that.   Growing up it was the same way.  My parents could afford a hotel, but we always stayed at someone's house.   At my first communion party we had 25+ people staying at our house (we lived OOT from everyone).  Bodies everywhere.  2.5 bathrooms.  They were there 2-3 nights.  We just make it work.

I get why Climb is annoyed.  I just also understand MILs point of view..  She could have grown up like mine.   Hanging out at your son and DILs home is a lot more fun than at a hotel.

photokitty

Start the reno as planned and book hotel rooms, one for you two and one for MIL. Pick a nice one close to the party so you can all drink at BSC's party. Get a place with a pool and hot tub.

bethsmiles

lyndausvi said:

mrsk616 said:

i agree with OP on giving up the bed for MIL. i would not want my parents sleeping on the couch or the floor even with an air mattress. they're older than us they dont deserve to be treated like friends. 

my sister makes my nephews give up their beds when we go down to visit but its only if both beds are needed. when i went down to my sisters on my own i told her i would sleep in the spare room because i didnt want to put my nephews out if only one had to give up the bed. 

now if it was a friend they can sleep on the floor for all i care.

I would (and have) given up my bed for my parents.  We have a spare room  now, so not an issue, but I definitely would.  I just feel like it's been a good host.

  DH's mom has slept on a couch for 20 year now (I know, I know).  There are even real beds in the house, but that is where she sleeps.  So in her case I wouldn't mind giving her the couch.

Honestly,  my family are more stay at someone's house types then hotel.  For my dad's b-day I spent time with my sister first.   I got my nieces room, my brother got the nephews room.  kids bunked up together in the other nieces room.   

My mom's party is this year and there will be even more of us (17 of us).  I told my sister I would get a hotel and she begged me not to.   In a way it's easier for us.  I get more time with my sister.  We both get up before the kids and hangout. Or stay up longer while the kids go to bed.   If DH was tired he could just to go bed, at a hotel we have leave together. Or if I'm up and DH isn't I can just walked downstairs to hang out with my sister or the kids.  Help with something.  At a hotel I have to get DH up so I can go hangout.   

 We are just the types that do not mind company like that.   Growing up it was the same way.  My parents could afford a hotel, but we always stayed at someone's house.   At my first communion party we had 25+ people staying at our house (we lived OOT from everyone).  Bodies everywhere.  2.5 bathrooms.  They were there 2-3 nights.  We just make it work.

I get why Climb is annoyed.  I just also understand MILs point of view..  She could have grown up like mine.   Hanging out at your son and DILs home is a lot more fun than at a hotel.

This is how my family is too. When my cousins would visit for Christmas they all stayed at my grandparents house. I'm not even sure how they all fit in there, it was like some sort of clown car scenario going on but everyone just made it work. We've never stayed at a hotel when visiting family.

Also, I would never make my parents sleep on an air mattress or the couch when they came to visit.

climbingsingle

STARMOON44 said:

STARMOON44 said:

No one kicks me out of my bed. Single house guests gets a pull out couch or air mattress if there's no other bed available.

There's no way I'm putting my 65 year old MIL on an air mattress or on the couch. I wouldn't do that to my mother either.

My 65 year old mother wouldn't hear of kicking me out bed. She's not an invalid! A good air mattress, preferably on a fold out frame, is a perfectly acceptable option to me. But you seem pretty dedicated to playing the martyr about this (putting off renovations of a birthday brunch? Are you kidding me with this) so that's fine too.

I said my husband might push back the renovations of our master bedroom if his mother is coming to stay for the week. I know - how awful of my husband! 

I'm not dedicated to playing the martyr, and never have been in my life. Just because you're perfectly fine throwing your mother on an air mattress in a living room doesn't mean that everyone is OK doing that. And just because I won't do that doesn't make me a fucking martyr. Get a grip. 

climbingsingle

photokitty said:

Start the reno as planned and book hotel rooms, one for you two and one for MIL. Pick a nice one close to the party so you can all drink at BSC's party. Get a place with a pool and hot tub.

I like your thinking. 

STARMOON44

climbingwife said:

STARMOON44 said:

climbingwife said:

STARMOON44 said:

No one kicks me out of my bed. Single house guests gets a pull out couch or air mattress if there's no other bed available.

There's no way I'm putting my 65 year old MIL on an air mattress or on the couch. I wouldn't do that to my mother either.

My 65 year old mother wouldn't hear of kicking me out bed. She's not an invalid! A good air mattress, preferably on a fold out frame, is a perfectly acceptable option to me.


But you seem pretty dedicated to playing the martyr about this (putting off renovations of a birthday brunch? Are you kidding me with this) so that's fine too.

I said my husband might push back the renovations of our master bedroom if his mother is coming to stay for the week. I know - how awful of my husband! 

I'm not dedicated to playing the martyr, and never have been in my life. Just because you're perfectly fine throwing your mother on an air mattress in a living room doesn't mean that everyone is OK doing that. And just because I won't do that doesn't make me a fucking martyr. Get a grip. 

Throwing her?? God not the horrors of a living room!

Not putting her in the living room doesn't make you a martyr. Refusing any number of reasonable alternatives in favor of doing the most difficult thing for you and complaining about it does. Which is kinda the point of these boards anyway, but no need to imply that those of us who don't get ourselves wedged under couch shaped burdens are horrible mother-killing witches.

bethsmiles

STARMOON44 said:

STARMOON44 said:

STARMOON44 said:

No one kicks me out of my bed. Single house guests gets a pull out couch or air mattress if there's no other bed available.

There's no way I'm putting my 65 year old MIL on an air mattress or on the couch. I wouldn't do that to my mother either.

My 65 year old mother wouldn't hear of kicking me out bed. She's not an invalid! A good air mattress, preferably on a fold out frame, is a perfectly acceptable option to me. But you seem pretty dedicated to playing the martyr about this (putting off renovations of a birthday brunch? Are you kidding me with this) so that's fine too.

I said my husband might push back the renovations of our master bedroom if his mother is coming to stay for the week. I know - how awful of my husband! 

I'm not dedicated to playing the martyr, and never have been in my life. Just because you're perfectly fine throwing your mother on an air mattress in a living room doesn't mean that everyone is OK doing that. And just because I won't do that doesn't make me a fucking martyr. Get a grip. 

Throwing her?? God not the horrors of a living room! Not putting her in the living room doesn't make you a martyr. Refusing any number of reasonable alternatives in favor of doing the most difficult thing for you and complaining about it does.

I don't think that is what climbingwife was doing. She simply said she didn't want to have her MIL sleep on an air mattress/couch and several posters agreed they wouldn't want to do that either. But she was pretty happy with photokitty's suggestion with the hotel.

VulgarGirl

Yeah...none of my parents are even 50 yet (FIL is)...I'd still take the couch over having them take it.

I dunno, they're my parents, seems like the right thing to do. Plus then I could stay up late and be in the kitchen/living room/common area without waking anyone up or keeping them up. 

theartistformerlyknownas

photokitty said:

Start the reno as planned and book hotel rooms, one for you two and one for MIL. Pick a nice one close to the party so you can all drink at BSC's party. Get a place with a pool and hot tub.

I like this idea. If you were already planning on staying at a hotel during reno, it's pretty ridiculous to choose to sleep on a couch just so your MIL can stay with you. This way you all get to hang out together and nobody gets a crappy place to sleep - including one that potentially smells like dust/construction.

FWIW, my mom would never dream of kicking me out of my own bed, or from a hotel bed onto a couch. She has slept on the couch at my sister's house.

ETA not implying that she did the kicking, as I know you volunteered. Just saying I can understand that perspective. It's never been crossed though because we've never had more houseguests than beds.

jdluvr06

photokitty said:

Start the reno as planned and book hotel rooms, one for you two and one for MIL. Pick a nice one close to the party so you can all drink at BSC's party. Get a place with a pool and hot tub.

This is a good idea.

I would never make my mom or H's parents sleep on the couch either. I just wouldn't. It feels wrong some how. Lol. 

pinkcow13

climbingwife said:

photokitty said:

Start the reno as planned and book hotel rooms, one for you two and one for MIL. Pick a nice one close to the party so you can all drink at BSC's party. Get a place with a pool and hot tub.

I like your thinking. 

Make sure that when you book the hotel, she stays in your room with you and your H, though. Or else that means that you don't love her, and you are horrible people. 

Remember, you can do hanky panky anytime

climbingsingle

pinkcow13 said:

climbingwife said:

photokitty said:

Start the reno as planned and book hotel rooms, one for you two and one for MIL. Pick a nice one close to the party so you can all drink at BSC's party. Get a place with a pool and hot tub.

I like your thinking. 

Make sure that when you book the hotel, she stays in your room with you and your H, though. Or else that means that you don't love her, and you are horrible people. 

Remember, you can do hanky panky anytime

Hahahahaha!!

paperpusher

When I was living on my own and my brother and SIL flew in from Germany for my Grandmother's funeral I offered my bed up for them to stay.  I slept on a blanket on the floor of the living room.

My brother and MOH stayed with H and I the night before and night of our wedding.  I gave my brother our bed in the master bedroom, H and I slept upstairs on a mattress on the floor, my MOH an airmattress on the floor of the living room.  Family gets the good sleeping spot in my book.

I like @photokitty 's idea of going somewhere with a pool and hot tub.

lyndausvi

MagicInk said:

Yeah...none of my parents are even 50 yet (FIL is)...I'd still take the couch over having them take it.

I dunno, they're my parents, seems like the right thing to do. Plus then I could stay up late and be in the kitchen/living room/common area without waking anyone up or keeping them up. 

good point.  We have dogs.  Anyone on the couch is getting woken up early with us taking those 2 out.  Especially when they came down the stairs I'm sure they would start sniffing around their face and stuff.   No, I would not do that to a guest.

My mom also has a severe case of RA.   A night on the couch or air mattress would be pure hell for her.   I could never do that to her.     

My sister has a huge ass house with a lot of rooms, plus an extra guest room that has an en suite. 

 When my mom was about 4 months post-op from knee surgery,  she still had my mom stay on her first floor master bedroom so she didn't have to climb the stairs.  Plus my sister's shower was made for a guy in a wheelchair.  Mom didn't have to climb over the tub to get into the shower.  

It's just what we do.