Rehearsal/Welcome Dinner- Out of town Guests?

chloe97

We are having a wedding of about 250 invited guests in the town where we live that happens to be about 4 hours away from where my family and many of my friends live. My FMIL has graciously agreed to host a welcome dinner for the 175 or so of the out of town guests- almost 2/3rds of these guests are my friends/family. I greatly appreciate her generosity, but I think it may be a bit overboard. My father is worried that his family, many of whom struggle financially, will feel the need to spend money on the hotel room for a 2nd night if they are invited. They could easily drive down the day of the wedding as our ceremony starts at 5 pm. I personally just think that 150 + guests the night before my wedding will be a lot for us to handle. At the same time, I certainly understand that my FMIL wants to host her own family and out of town friends (and of course the bridal party and my immediate family) that night, which is a much smaller number- like 65.

Would it be appropriate to ask that she just invite the bridal party, my immediate family, and whoever from their side that they wish to invite? Or is this rude to my friends and family who may have come down the night before?  

southernbelle0915

Is this also going to serve as your rehearsal dinner? If so, the RD is usually immediate family, wedding party and anyone else involved in the ceremony/required at the rehearsal (plus everyone's SO, obviously). 

If you think a giant party is going to be overwhelming for you, just decline the whole thing. 'No' is not a four letter word. 

If you're ok with a giant party, just invite everyone as your FMIL is suggesting. People shouldn't feel pressured to attend and can easily decline if they don't want to/can't attend. An invitation to a welcome dinner isn't a subpoena.

[Deleted User]

My concern is actually that you'd be inviting 175 people out of 250 invited to the wedding.  This means that only 75 people will be at the wedding who won't know what the other 175 are talking about when they say what a wonderful time they had last night.  It's almost creating a tiered situation that isn't very nice.

chloe97

@southernbelle0915 - yes this will serve as the rehearsal dinner. I do know that there are some places where it is tradition to host all of the out of town guests, however these were probably rules from back when it was much more common that people would marry people from their hometowns and most of the guests were not from out of town. On the one hand, I do like the idea of being able to greet at least all of the out of town guests the day before the wedding to get more time with them since they are coming from out of town. I also worry about the "poor me" phenomenon that the family who cannot afford to spend an extra night in the hotel will feel like everyone was partying without them. I don't want my parents to get any backlash from family about that.     

@adk19 I kind of agree with what you are saying, but really those 75 are close friends who live in town and coworkers- all of whom, I feel like will not feel slighted by not being invited to this preparty.  I know my FMIL wants to host her family that night and knows that traditionally the groom's family hosts the RD. She has the means and I know that we have been hosted by her family the night before their weddings in the past. She wants to make sure that she is in line with her own family practices.  Unfortunately, my family is HUGE which makes this party size a bit unruly.  

southernbelle0915

chloe97 said:

@southernbelle0915 - yes this will serve as the rehearsal dinner. I do know that there are some places where it is tradition to host all of the out of town guests, however these were probably rules from back when it was much more common that people would marry people from their hometowns and most of the guests were not from out of town. On the one hand, I do like the idea of being able to greet at least all of the out of town guests the day before the wedding to get more time with them since they are coming from out of town. I also worry about the "poor me" phenomenon that the family who cannot afford to spend an extra night in the hotel will feel like everyone was partying without them. I don't want my parents to get any backlash from family about that.     

@adk19 I kind of agree with what you are saying, but really those 75 are close friends who live in town and coworkers- all of whom, I feel like will not feel slighted by not being invited to this preparty.  I know my FMIL wants to host her family that night and knows that traditionally the groom's family hosts the RD. She has the means and I know that we have been hosted by her family the night before their weddings in the past. She wants to make sure that she is in line with her own family practices.  Unfortunately, my family is HUGE which makes this party size a bit unruly.  

To the bolded, I think they would be assholes to try and play the victim card over DECIDING not to attend a party. They're invited to and coming to the wedding for pete's sake! If they give your parents shit about this, your parents should tell them they're being assholes and they'll see them Saturday. 

I mean, think about it this way, in Scenario A, you invite them. In Scenario B, you don't invite them. If they're the type of people to complain, they're probably going to bitch more about not being invited than they would about being invited and not being able to go (THEIR problem).

[Deleted User]

What about this as a compromise, rehersal dinner for only the Bridal party & immediate family & keep it short. Then a meet & greet for everyone else. This can be extended to all of FMIL guests that she would like to invite & you can extend invite to your OOT guests. A casual invite for drinks & snacks with the bride & groom at x location from x:xx-x:xx PM. With it being more casual people won't feel obligated to come into town early just for this but then it wouldn't seem like a tiered event either. Also it will help keep your evening shorter with visiting people. They can keep visiting even after you leave to go home for the night. If you can do the drinks/snacks at the hotel where your guests are staying, that would make it easy for those coming it to join in.

[Deleted User]

Erikan73 said:

What about this as a compromise, rehersal dinner for only the Bridal party & immediate family & keep it short. Then a meet & greet for everyone else. This can be extended to all of FMIL guests that she would like to invite & you can extend invite to your OOT guests. A casual invite for drinks & snacks with the bride & groom at x location from x:xx-x:xx PM. With it being more casual people won't feel obligated to come into town early just for this but then it wouldn't seem like a tiered event either. Also it will help keep your evening shorter with visiting people. They can keep visiting even after you leave to go home for the night. If you can do the drinks/snacks at the hotel where your guests are staying, that would make it easy for those coming it to join in.

Yes, this.  I like this.

chloe97

I like where you are going with this, but I worry that this actually would be a bit more expensive. I should have mentioned that the RD location is a fast casual restaurant not far from our venue. If they were to hosts drinks and snacks at the hotel instead, I feel like it would be a lot more pricey (though fewer people may come since it's informal). Would it be appropriate to have the parents send out a quick email to their family/friends saying "Hey everyone, we will be down at the hotel bar from 8-10 if you want to swing by." That way it's not seen as a hosted event, but people will know where to find them and FI and I can feel free to duck out if we are feeling overwhelmed?  

Lauderdale Pink

On the upside, you do have the best of both worlds.  An FMIL who is generous enough to host this huge evening and a father who is so considerate that he worries about the finances of his family. In the end, adults have to make their own decisions about whether or not to attend a party.  I think your FMIL should go ahead with her plans and let adults decide for themselves.