has anyone ever changed their mind about kids)

SJM7538

before H and I got married we both knew we didn't want kids. we were perfectly content with nieces and nephews and our fur babies. but lately I think I have changed my mind. as my nephews get older and I have two nieces on the way I think I want to be a mom (to a human child). the problem is that H still doesn't want kids. I will say that Ive thought about it and I would only want one child and not for a few more years but H isn't on board and im not really sure what to do. we have had a really rocky year and things are starting to finally get better between us including our communication. we've discussed if a few times and it hasn't turned into an argument which I suppose is good. not sure where to go from here... has anyone ever experienced this ?

bethsmiles

I haven't been in this situation but I think it's good the two of you can have a conversation about it. Unfortunately, there isn't really a way to compromise on this so I don't think there is one right way to address this situation.

I think for now all you can do is let him know this is something you are seriously considering and you'd like for him to give it some thought as well, not to change his mind but I think he should be wondering "where do we go from here?" as well.

AprilH81

Not personally, no.

But open communication is key on any important topic in marriage, especially something as life changing as having children.

I wouldn't analyze it to death just yet if you don't want a kid for a few more years, but I would at least ask him to think about the possibility down the road.

JennyColada

I think this can be a pretty common thing. DH always knew that he wanted a family, basically everything in his life has been about working towards being able to provide for a family.

Me not so much. I'm selfish and enjoy putting myself first. For much of my life I've been staunchly in the no-kids camp. Now I'm indifferent to if I have kids or not (but at present in not ready to be a mom at all!). I doubt I'll ever get baby fever, and all I can really hope for is to not be entirely disgusted by babies and pregnancy.

DH knew that marrying me meant signing up for a little uncertainty in terms of kids. This is scary for him. He's taking a big risk by being with me. Having kids is a non-negotiable for him. For me it's highly negotiable.

I do think that finding a partner who is on the same page is important. I know that in a few years (I'm currently 31 and DH is about to turn 34) if I'm still on the no-baby train then we are going to have some serious relationship issues (basically our relationship is betting on me being ready in ~2 years).

Basically, in short, yes, people can change their minds. But it's tricky, and not EVERYONE will change their minds.

levioosa

I've never personally experienced this, but I do know that this can be a make or break for the relationship.  If you aren't on the same page, someone will end up resenting the other partner for making them "choose" something they never wanted.  Have you gone to counseling at all for this? 

photokitty

SJM7538 said:

before H and I got married we both knew we didn't want kids. we were perfectly content with nieces and nephews and our fur babies. but lately I think I have changed my mind. as my nephews get older and I have two nieces on the way I think I want to be a mom (to a human child). the problem is that H still doesn't want kids. I will say that Ive thought about it and I would only want one child and not for a few more years but H isn't on board and im not really sure what to do. we have had a really rocky year and things are starting to finally get better between us including our communication. we've discussed if a few times and it hasn't turned into an argument which I suppose is good. not sure where to go from here... has anyone ever experienced this ?

I have always believed kids are a deal breaker situation. If you want them and your partner doesn't then you risk one of you being miserable. Best case scenario, you have a kid and he loves that kid and can't imagine his life without the kid. Worst case scenario, one of you resents the other and marriage falls apart. BC of this opinion I refused to date men, even in my early 20s, who didn't want to ever have kids - why get attached to someone with such a fundamental difference in life goals?

I think you need to do some soul searching. Do you want a  child? If you don't have a child will your life be incomplete?

You are allowed to change your mind, but it may mean you have to change your situation. I would recommend couples counseling.

As a woman who has been through a divorce I can honestly say - life is too short to be unhappy. First you need to figure out what you need to be happy. If that's a child, be honest and more forward.

Good luck!! T&Ps

littlepep

bethsmiles said:

I haven't been in this situation but I think it's good the two of you can have a conversation about it. Unfortunately, there isn't really a way to compromise on this so I don't think there is one right way to address this situation.

I think for now all you can do is let him know this is something you are seriously considering and you'd like for him to give it some thought as well, not to change his mind but I think he should be wondering "where do we go from here?" as well.

I think the bolded is important. You were both on the same page going into your marriage, but now you're not. I think it's important to discuss it without pressuring him into changing his mind. Just tell him it's something you've been thinking about and see where the conversation leads. 

KatWAG

We have talked about this on here before. So to make my answer as short as possible. Yes, I changed my mind for my husband.

 I didnt want kids, it was never a life goal of mine. H really really wanted kids. It was a deal breaker for him.  We talked about it a lot. I agreed to have kids with him.

We now have a son. And we will start trying again in April/ May.

500days

My friend went through this with her ex-husband. They separated for many reasons, not just the kid factor. They had been together for many years, pre-college to professional careers. Once my friend had a few years into her career she started to change her mind about kids. She presented the idea to her ex-H and he did not freak out, but wanted to understand why she changed her mind. They did counseling and eventually found they now differed on many topics. I think it's just a part of life that we may change our minds, but we have to decide if it's something that can be compromised on or if it's something that could make or break your relationship. I would definitely recommend talking to someone (preferably a therapist or counselor) about it.

Jells2dot0

I went into my first marriage not wanting kids. So did my ex-H. But, he started to change his mind. I did not and having kids was never going to be an option for me. So, for that, and a few other reasons, we are no longer married.

NowIamMrsKlein

I've always been in the no-kids camp. My FI has always wanted kids. I was very upfront going into the relationship about not wanting kids and not knowing if that feeling would ever change. 

He decided that while he would love to have kids, he loves me more and that he would compromise on having kids if it meant being with me.

We've been together for 3 years and over the last year I've had the opportunity to see how he interacts with my new baby nephew and my cold cold no baby heart is starting to soften a bit. However I am no where near ready and he's just ecstatic that im willing to now at least entertain the idea in a few years. 

Because we are on opposite pages we sat down and discussed it, his main concern was that I would tell him i would be willing to entertain the idea, and then years go by with his hopes up and then I change my mind. He would rather know as soon as possible if it isn't going to happen rather than hope for years on end and be let down.

So we set some 'goals to achieve before baby' to set a almost a deadline for making that choice.

I want to be back living closer to our home town, I want him to be in a job that he can see himself staying in for at least 5 years and I want to own a home. I set those as guidelines because those are my main deterrents from having children right now. We live far away from support, we live in a town with minimal health care, we rent, and there's a chance that FI could be transferred at any point.

So after we achieve those goals then we will sit down again and see where I am at and go from there. This way he knows whats holding me back, and Im not feeling constantly pressured to make a decision.

JennyColada

I agree that giving him time to mull it over is helpful. DH has let me open up to pregnancy in my own way. I know it's importsnt to him SL I have a few years to get comfortable with the situation. I try to be open about passing thoughts (like last night we had a full conversation about making baby food) and that kind of thing is helpful to me: it gets me thinking about it without DH pressuring me.

Just knowing "I'm in this relationship for you" makes me feel more secure and comfortable. I'm sure it's scary for him to put so much of his future happiness into something that's a bit uncertain.

If your DH is 100% babies are the devil, I think it's unlikely for him to change. But if he's more like "babies just aren't really for me right now" then he might be more open to it with some discussion.

For me, it also helped recently when I was unsure about treatment for a disease that I have. Without treatment, I wouldn't want to have kids (kids would be at risk of getting the disease). So I had to think about "what if I'm never approved for treatment?" And I was actually really upset about not having kids. Not saying that one of you should get a disease that bars you from having kids, but you know.

Maybe even ask him about the future: how does he feel about having had kids? About having older kids? Or adult kids? Because you have to go through A to get to B. So it's another way to discuss the situation without focusing on the aspect he may dislike.

GoldenPenguin

I agree 100% with @photokitty. Kids were a dealbreaker for me. I have never wanted them - and when people would say "oh, you'll change your mind when you meet the right guy," my response was always "No, because the right guy for me ALSO won't want kids."

It was a conversation I had with my FI very early on in our relationship. I didn't want to scare him by bringing it up to early, but I felt I owed it to both of us to get it out in the open early enough that we both knew where each other stood before things got to serious. It was nerve racking for me. I knew I liked him a lot, and I was terrified that he was going to say "I 100% want kids." Luckily, he also didn't want to have kids - but his mind had changed over the years to get to that point. He told me that he always thought he would grow up & get married & have a family - but that was because that's what you're "supposed" to do. 

Bottom line, I think you need to be open and honest in your communication. Tell him that your mind is shifting towards wanting to be a mom - not immediately, but at some point in the future. Unfortunately, I don't think you can force him to change his mind, but if he knows that it is important to you, he may be able to consider it. 

SJM7538

we haven't been too counseling regarding this. we've had a really rough year and I wanted to go to counseling but he is completely against it. he sees it as a weakness (stupid I know but that's a whole other story) but we sat down and had a long talk about our issues, communication being one of them, and things are immensely better. I learned a lot about myself in the past year as well... I'm kind of a control freak and I also learned that when it comes to H he is stubborn and I need to choose my battles. example one of our issues was that I was getting so pissed that he never took initiative and did anything around the house. I learned that he probably never will. but if I specifically ask him to do something, such as the dishes, then he will do it. and I've learned to try to relinquish a little control. he still isn't the best communicator but things are getting better day by day. and this is why I didn't want to push the kid situation and take a giant step backwards.


@AprilH81‌ I think you're right. I may need to not analyze so much right now.

climbingsingle

I was on the opposite side of this. I always assumed I wanted/would have kids, but as I got older, I decided I didn't want them. My husband feels the same way. However, we also did discuss what would happen if one of us changed our minds. 

photokitty

SJM7538 said:

we haven't been too counseling regarding this. we've had a really rough year and I wanted to go to counseling but he is completely against it. he sees it as a weakness (stupid I know but that's a whole other story) but we sat down and had a long talk about our issues, communication being one of them, and things are immensely better. I learned a lot about myself in the past year as well... I'm kind of a control freak and I also learned that when it comes to H he is stubborn and I need to choose my battles. example one of our issues was that I was getting so pissed that he never took initiative and did anything around the house. I learned that he probably never will. but if I specifically ask him to do something, such as the dishes, then he will do it. and I've learned to try to relinquish a little control. he still isn't the best communicator but things are getting better day by day. and this is why I didn't want to push the kid situation and take a giant step backwards. @AprilH81‌ I think you're right. I may need to not analyze so much right now.

I tend to disagree. If this is something that is going to be important to you then you should analyze it now. 

 Not knowing how old you are, if you put off self evaluation on this topic it may one day be too late to have kids biologically, you may form resentment, it may be harder to leave and you may stay in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage. I'm not saying any of these thing will happen, just that they are possible - so why would you want to ignore what your heart is telling you?

Don't badger him, don't even talk to him until you have really thought this through. I would recommend you going to a therapist or counselor to talk about your marriage and your feelings - especially this possible change in desire for children. He doesn't have to go with you.

Personally, I see his unwillingness to participate in therapy as a red flag. Calling it a weakness is ignorant. It would make me concerned about his ability to compromise within the marriage on all things - let alone something as big as kids.

Listen to your heart, think about what you want. Talk to someone. If you decide you will not be happy in the terms that this marriage offers you, getting out sooner is a lot easier than later. Again, I'm not suggestion you leave him, but you need to evaluate what makes you happy and what you want out of life.

Fair warning - I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love and this is a MAJOR theme in the book and the catalyst for her divorce. Couple that with my experiences with my ex - I just want you to think this through and not sweep it under the rug. You are important and what you want in life matters - don't forget that!

Cookie Pusher

SoontobeMrsKlein said:

I've always been in the no-kids camp. My FI has always wanted kids. I was very upfront going into the relationship about not wanting kids and not knowing if that feeling would ever change. 

He decided that while he would love to have kids, he loves me more and that he would compromise on having kids if it meant being with me.

This is me and DH. I have never, ever, not even for a fleeting moment in my life wanted children. It's not that I don't like kids. In fact, I love them. A lot. Which is why I know I'm not going to have any (I'm open to fostering/adopting an older child in the future if it's financially feasible). Why? Because as much as I love spending time with my friends' kids and watching them grow into little people, I am far more relieved when they leave. I've entered my mid-30s and am more sure than ever that I do not want children. (And selfishly, I require 7 hours of continuous sleep each weeknight and 10+ hours of continuous sleep on weekends. I require it to function the way that some people require sunlight or coffee or oxygen...)

DH always thought he'd have kids (not even sure he wanted them, per se, just that he figured it was what you did when you "grew up"). I was up-front about not wanting kids from the beginning. He decided being with me was more important than hypothetical kids we may or may not even be capable of having at some indeterminate point in the future. After 13 years together, we're both well aware that children are just not in the cards for us and we're happy with our lives this way.

KatWAG

I agree with @photokitty. I think you need to deeply analyze this. You just dont need to involve your H in it yet. Once you have a better understanding of what you actually want, then talk to him.

But if you decide that you want to have a child, then you owe it to yourself to have a child. With or without your husband.

amelisha

If neither of you is willing to change your mind and it's something that is very important to you (as it should be...it's probably the most life-changing thing you can do), then honestly, this relationship might not be the best thing for either of you. I don't say that often, but having or not having children is a really, really huge deal. If you are going to be unhappy for the rest of your life if you don't have one or he is going to resent having parenthood thrust upon him (and please, please don't assume that he'll change his mind once the kid is here...that might happen sometimes but it is NOT a given) then both of you honestly need to be with people who feel the same way. This isn't an argument about laundry or vacations or even money, this is a lot more fundamental than that.

Personally, FI is more into the idea of kids than I am, but we seem to be the rare types who feel like we'll be okay either way. I'll have a couple if he wakes up one day and decides he won't be happy without them, and he's promised we can at least wait until we're where we want to be financially. But he's not desperate for a baby and I'm not dead-set on never having one, and we're both much more motivated by our financial security than anything else at this point. I don't want to have a baby if it means we can't afford the same lifestyle we live now, and he agrees. But honestly, if he woke up tomorrow and was like "No, that stuff we talked about is no longer valid, I need to have a baby this year," and he was not going to be happy otherwise, I would leave, no matter how much I love him. Because I don't want that life and that was not an option we agreed on and I am not willing to be permanently unhappy in exchange for his happiness. I love my fiance so much, but there are some things I won't sacrifice, and I am not having a baby before I have a financial safety net, period. That's just my situation, but I'm sharing it because I really, really believe that children is one issue you have to agree on in a marriage.

AprilH81

I'm sorry, my "don't over analyze" comment wasn't fully expressed and may have been misunderstood.

My intention was not to minimize the need to think things over and discuss it with your husband, but more of a final decision does not need to be made rightnowthisverysecond. 

Continue to think about what you want and need and bring it up as a conversation point with your husband to let him know your feelings on the topic are changing.  Ask him to think about the possibility of having kids but again, don't feel like you have to make a decision rightnowthisverysecond.  

Allow him some time to process the thought and come to his own conclusion and THEN you can have a more in depth conversation about children and come to a decision that you are both (hopefully) happy with.

WhatawagSBNy

It is pretty common for this to happen with people who thought the issue settled.

A lot depends on why DH does not want kids.
Some do not mind kids themselves, but like the independence of daily life without family responsibilities. Travel when you want to , enjoy adult pursuits in your non-work time, no dealing with lost work time and babies up all night.
Sometimes in the family they come from they were the silent witness to fighting or aggression between parents who resented the demands made by kids, or at least the financial strains.
These people sometimes will reconsider if now they are in a better place financially than there parents were. The ability to hire a nanny or mother's helper a couple of days a week, and having some close family or friends who will now and again take care of a young child so parents have little stress, and time to be adults and romantic partners not always kid-first, makes a huge difference. It is worth talking about if this is true for you. And sometimes short term single issue counseling can help you examine what conditions, if changed, could make the change to having kids acceptable. Sometimes, no.

People who never change their mind and usually divorce if given no choice include lots of very nice people who have discovered in earlier years that they can tolerate kids around for short periods only and enjoy it. But they have no tolerance for the give and take of children, the control issues that reoccur at different ages through kids development, the sheer noise of kids. And they know it brings for an anger in them. Always a "won't that kid ever shut up" feeling. And the feeling results in bad temper toward the mother and child.
Like an alcoholic who stays away from drink forever as a way of avoiding the awful things they feel and do, the loss of their control over their life, these people simply know themselves better than even their spouse does. They do not want to open the bottle and release the spirits, they want Pandora's box firmly closed. And they are right. With those feelings they can be great uncles but cruel fathers.
Some can explain their feelings. Some feel ashamed. Therapy may make a couple see the issue is there. And then they accept it and stay childless, or they divorce.

Communication between spouses is they key to finding out, but the outcome may be to agree that if you have kids, the marriage will not survive.

flyingfoxes

Yes, people can change their minds.  I have - for years I didn't want any.  I won't die if we can't have a baby, but I really want to with FI, and soon after the wedding in April.  But we're older (I'll be 39 this year and he'll be 44), so it may not work out that way.  Luckily even though his kids are older (19 & 15 this year) - he's open to having his vasectomy reversed so that we can have a baby if everything works out. 

KatWAG

WhatawagSBNy said:

It is pretty common for this to happen with people who thought the issue settled. A lot depends on why DH does not want kids. Some do not mind kids themselves, but like the independence of daily life without family responsibilities. Travel when you want to , enjoy adult pursuits in your non-work time, no dealing with lost work time and babies up all night. Sometimes in the family they come from they were the silent witness to fighting or aggression between parents who resented the demands made by kids, or at least the financial strains. These people sometimes will reconsider if now they are in a better place financially than there parents were. The ability to hire a nanny or mother's helper a couple of days a week, and having some close family or friends who will now and again take care of a young child so parents have little stress, and time to be adults and romantic partners not always kid-first, makes a huge difference. It is worth talking about if this is true for you. And sometimes short term single issue counseling can help you examine what conditions, if changed, could make the change to having kids acceptable. Sometimes, no. People who never change their mind and usually divorce if given no choice include lots of very nice people who have discovered in earlier years that they can tolerate kids around for short periods only and enjoy it. But they have no tolerance for the give and take of children, the control issues that reoccur at different ages through kids development, the sheer noise of kids. And they know it brings for an anger in them. Always a "won't that kid ever shut up" feeling. And the feeling results in bad temper toward the mother and child. Like an alcoholic who stays away from drink forever as a way of avoiding the awful things they feel and do, the loss of their control over their life, these people simply know themselves better than even their spouse does. They do not want to open the bottle and release the spirits, they want Pandora's box firmly closed. And they are right. With those feelings they can be great uncles but cruel fathers. Some can explain their feelings. Some feel ashamed. Therapy may make a couple see the issue is there. And then they accept it and stay childless, or they divorce. Communication between spouses is they key to finding out, but the outcome may be to agree that if you have kids, the marriage will not survive.

This is some first rate Armchair psychology.

littlemushroom

Honestly, this does not sound like the kind of discussion you and your H should be having now. You said you two have had a very rocky year, and things are only now starting to get better. I think he may be even less receptive to the idea right now BECAUSE things have been so rocky for so long between you two.

I know I would approach the idea of kids with my H MUCH differently if we were going through a really rough patch in our relationship than if things were really great between us. If things were not going well, I would wonder if the sudden change in opinion was his way of trying to "fix" things between us. Or would wonder why he wanted a kid with me at all when things had been bad. Kind of like he thought I was his only chance to have one and he wanted to get on with it before our relationship ended for other reasons.

Focus on improving your relationship and working out your other issues first. Once you both are comfortable and happy with the rest of your relationship, THEN start discussing the possibility of kids.

KatWAG

littlemushroom said:

Honestly, this does not sound like the kind of discussion you and your H should be having now. You said you two have had a very rocky year, and things are only now starting to get better. I think he may be even less receptive to the idea right now BECAUSE things have been so rocky for so long between you two. I know I would approach the idea of kids with my H MUCH differently if we were going through a really rough patch in our relationship than if things were really great between us. If things were not going well, I would wonder if the sudden change in opinion was his way of trying to "fix" things between us. Or would wonder why he wanted a kid with me at all when things had been bad. Kind of like he thought I was his only chance to have one and he wanted to get on with it before our relationship ended for other reasons. Focus on improving your relationship and working out your other issues first. Once you both are comfortable and happy with the rest of your relationship, THEN start discussing the possibility of kids.

But I think the question is: if OP decided she really, truly does want kids, and she knows that her H does not want kids, is there a point to try and fix things?

photokitty

KatWAG said:

WhatawagSBNy said:

It is pretty common for this to happen with people who thought the issue settled. A lot depends on why DH does not want kids. Some do not mind kids themselves, but like the independence of daily life without family responsibilities. Travel when you want to , enjoy adult pursuits in your non-work time, no dealing with lost work time and babies up all night. Sometimes in the family they come from they were the silent witness to fighting or aggression between parents who resented the demands made by kids, or at least the financial strains. These people sometimes will reconsider if now they are in a better place financially than there parents were. The ability to hire a nanny or mother's helper a couple of days a week, and having some close family or friends who will now and again take care of a young child so parents have little stress, and time to be adults and romantic partners not always kid-first, makes a huge difference. It is worth talking about if this is true for you. And sometimes short term single issue counseling can help you examine what conditions, if changed, could make the change to having kids acceptable. Sometimes, no. People who never change their mind and usually divorce if given no choice include lots of very nice people who have discovered in earlier years that they can tolerate kids around for short periods only and enjoy it. But they have no tolerance for the give and take of children, the control issues that reoccur at different ages through kids development, the sheer noise of kids. And they know it brings for an anger in them. Always a "won't that kid ever shut up" feeling. And the feeling results in bad temper toward the mother and child. Like an alcoholic who stays away from drink forever as a way of avoiding the awful things they feel and do, the loss of their control over their life, these people simply know themselves better than even their spouse does. They do not want to open the bottle and release the spirits, they want Pandora's box firmly closed. And they are right. With those feelings they can be great uncles but cruel fathers. Some can explain their feelings. Some feel ashamed. Therapy may make a couple see the issue is there. And then they accept it and stay childless, or they divorce. Communication between spouses is they key to finding out, but the outcome may be to agree that if you have kids, the marriage will not survive.

This is some first rate Armchair psychology.

what I'm hearing as I read...

littlemushroom

KatWAG said:

littlemushroom said:

Honestly, this does not sound like the kind of discussion you and your H should be having now. You said you two have had a very rocky year, and things are only now starting to get better. I think he may be even less receptive to the idea right now BECAUSE things have been so rocky for so long between you two. I know I would approach the idea of kids with my H MUCH differently if we were going through a really rough patch in our relationship than if things were really great between us. If things were not going well, I would wonder if the sudden change in opinion was his way of trying to "fix" things between us. Or would wonder why he wanted a kid with me at all when things had been bad. Kind of like he thought I was his only chance to have one and he wanted to get on with it before our relationship ended for other reasons. Focus on improving your relationship and working out your other issues first. Once you both are comfortable and happy with the rest of your relationship, THEN start discussing the possibility of kids.

But I think the question is: if OP decided she really, truly does want kids, and she knows that her H does not want kids, is there a point to try and fix things?


I just don't think they can get a true answer about whether he would ever change his mind about kids while things are bad.

I do not want kids. But if DH came to me now and said he had changed his mind and really wanted kids, I would be more open to the idea of considering it because things are great between us. I may not change my mind, but I would actually be able to consider it honestly. If things were bad between us, I don't think I could honestly come to a decision about kids because all the other issues would muddy the waters.

Why change my mind about having kids if the rest of our relationship never gets better to the point where I would actually go through with it?

photokitty

littlemushroom said:

littlemushroom said:

Honestly, this does not sound like the kind of discussion you and your H should be having now. You said you two have had a very rocky year, and things are only now starting to get better. I think he may be even less receptive to the idea right now BECAUSE things have been so rocky for so long between you two. I know I would approach the idea of kids with my H MUCH differently if we were going through a really rough patch in our relationship than if things were really great between us. If things were not going well, I would wonder if the sudden change in opinion was his way of trying to "fix" things between us. Or would wonder why he wanted a kid with me at all when things had been bad. Kind of like he thought I was his only chance to have one and he wanted to get on with it before our relationship ended for other reasons. Focus on improving your relationship and working out your other issues first. Once you both are comfortable and happy with the rest of your relationship, THEN start discussing the possibility of kids.

But I think the question is: if OP decided she really, truly does want kids, and she knows that her H does not want kids, is there a point to try and fix things?

I just don't think they can get a true answer about whether he would ever change his mind about kids while things are bad. I do not want kids. But if DH came to me now and said he had changed his mind and really wanted kids, I would be more open to the idea of considering it because things are great between us. I may not change my mind, but I would actually be able to consider it honestly. If things were bad between us, I don't think I could honestly come to a decision about kids because all the other issues would muddy the waters. Why change my mind about having kids if the rest of our relationship never gets better to the point where I would actually go through with it?

Which is why OP need to determine what will make her happy. You cannot have a happy, healthy marriage if you are not happy yourself. Work on the marriage while doing some soul searching, then decide if you can be happy in the marriage. If someone can only be happy if they have kids, then fixing the marriage before dealign with hat issue is basically a waste of time and to be blunt - reproductive years. I'm in full agreement with what @KatWAG keeps saying, just put my name under it all too.

STARMOON44

SJM7538 said:

we haven't been too counseling regarding this. we've had a really rough year and I wanted to go to counseling but he is completely against it. he sees it as a weakness (stupid I know but that's a whole other story) but we sat down and had a long talk about our issues, communication being one of them, and things are immensely better. I learned a lot about myself in the past year as well... I'm kind of a control freak and I also learned that when it comes to H he is stubborn and I need to choose my battles. example one of our issues was that I was getting so pissed that he never took initiative and did anything around the house. I learned that he probably never will. but if I specifically ask him to do something, such as the dishes, then he will do it. and I've learned to try to relinquish a little control. he still isn't the best communicator but things are getting better day by day. and this is why I didn't want to push the kid situation and take a giant step backwards.


@AprilH81‌ I think you're right. I may need to not analyze so much right now.

Wait so your marriage is going better because you've learned to accept that your husband is a spoiled man child who will never step up and take care of anything independently but will cope with doing things you ask as long as you're careful to do so in a way that doesn't seem controlling?

Don't have kids with this jerk! Get a divorce and use your time alone to figure out how you wound up with him in the first place.

AprilH81

STARMOON44 said:

we haven't been too counseling regarding this. we've had a really rough year and I wanted to go to counseling but he is completely against it. he sees it as a weakness (stupid I know but that's a whole other story) but we sat down and had a long talk about our issues, communication being one of them, and things are immensely better. I learned a lot about myself in the past year as well... I'm kind of a control freak and I also learned that when it comes to H he is stubborn and I need to choose my battles. example one of our issues was that I was getting so pissed that he never took initiative and did anything around the house. I learned that he probably never will. but if I specifically ask him to do something, such as the dishes, then he will do it. and I've learned to try to relinquish a little control. he still isn't the best communicator but things are getting better day by day. and this is why I didn't want to push the kid situation and take a giant step backwards. @AprilH81‌ I think you're right. I may need to not analyze so much right now.

Wait so your marriage is going better because you've learned to accept that your husband is a spoiled man child who will never step up and take care of anything independently but will cope with doing things you ask as long as you're careful to do so in a way that doesn't seem controlling? Don't have kids with this jerk! Get a divorce and use your time alone to figure out how you wound up with him in the first place.

You sound like TarponMonoxide on The Nest.

My DH (who is loving, generous and kind and a bunch of other good stuff) is a slob.  He rarely takes initiative to do laundry, clean the house or change the sheets but will do it if I ask him to 99% of the time.  That is NOT a reason to divorce someone.

STARMOON44

AprilH81 said:

STARMOON44 said:

SJM7538 said:

we haven't been too counseling regarding this. we've had a really rough year and I wanted to go to counseling but he is completely against it. he sees it as a weakness (stupid I know but that's a whole other story) but we sat down and had a long talk about our issues, communication being one of them, and things are immensely better. I learned a lot about myself in the past year as well... I'm kind of a control freak and I also learned that when it comes to H he is stubborn and I need to choose my battles. example one of our issues was that I was getting so pissed that he never took initiative and did anything around the house. I learned that he probably never will. but if I specifically ask him to do something, such as the dishes, then he will do it. and I've learned to try to relinquish a little control. he still isn't the best communicator but things are getting better day by day. and this is why I didn't want to push the kid situation and take a giant step backwards.


@AprilH81‌ I think you're right. I may need to not analyze so much right now.

Wait so your marriage is going better because you've learned to accept that your husband is a spoiled man child who will never step up and take care of anything independently but will cope with doing things you ask as long as you're careful to do so in a way that doesn't seem controlling?

Don't have kids with this jerk! Get a divorce and use your time alone to figure out how you wound up with him in the first place.

You sound like TarponMonoxide on The Nest.

My DH (who is loving, generous and kind and a bunch of other good stuff) is a slob.  He rarely takes initiative to do laundry, clean the house or change the sheets but will do it if I ask him to 99% of the time.  That is NOT a reason to divorce someone.

I mean, heck, I'm the laziest housekeeper ever, but the OP didn't say "my marriage is pretty good, we had an issue with keeping the place tidy but we figured out how to work it out." She said it was a really rocky year, described a dude who calls her controlling for wanting him to pull his own weight (instead of say your lovely husband who probably is grateful for your work as a decent person should be), and says she fixed the problem by changing herself because he doesn't like the idea of therapy. To me that's not an issue about cleanliness at all.