Help! Problem with no-children wedding

heatherrae8

Okay, so we are trying to finalize our list and we have decided on no children under 18 but my Fiance has three sets of couples (cousins and an aunt) who have children who are 3, 7 and 9, and 14 coming. His mom wants us to make an exception for these children because if we don't invite them it will be drama and they supposedly have "no one" to watch them. I say the youngest stays with his god mother who is local to us, the two that are bro and sis and are 7&9 stay with a family friend's back in Vegas and the 14 yr old stays with a friend for the weekend in Vegas. Or they hire someone from Care.com or something along those lines to watch all 4 of them back at my future MIL's house. Am I asking too much? I have A TON of cousins in that age range and that I am close to that we could invite but are not. I feel like if you have kids, you should be responsible for them and if you want to be there, you will find a way to be there.

southernbelle0915

heatherrae8 said:

Okay, so we are trying to finalize our list and we have decided on no children under 18 but my Fiance has three sets of couples (cousins and an aunt) who have children who are 3, 7 and 9, and 14 coming. His mom wants us to make an exception for these children because if we don't invite them it will be drama and they supposedly have "no one" to watch them. I say the youngest stays with his god mother who is local to us, the two that are bro and sis and are 7&9 stay with a family friend's back in Vegas and the 14 yr old stays with a friend for the weekend in Vegas. Or they hire someone from Care.com or something along those lines to watch all 4 of them back at my future MIL's house. Am I asking too much? I have A TON of cousins in that age range and that I am close to that we could invite but are not. I feel like if you have kids, you should be responsible for them and if you want to be there, you will find a way to be there.

Who's paying for this wedding. If your FMIL is paying for the wedding and wants these kids invited, you need to invite them. If you and your FI are paying for the wedding, you can invite (and not invite) whoever you want.

People's childcare arrangements are not your responsibility or concern. If they can't get someone to watch their kids, they can't come. Simple as that.

lilacck28

I think it's easier to invite in circles. It is much easier to soothe hurt feelings if there are no children there then some. I'd say go with your initial thought. Only invite the parents. If they can't come since the kids aren't invited, then they can't.

That said, if these people are your FI's VIPs and he really wants them there, and they absolutely can not come without their children... then I'd leave this up to your FI.

ETA: exception, as PP noted, would be if your FMIL is paying for the wedding, or contributing to Reception costs.

lovegood90

Nope, you're allowed to exclude children. Their child care issues shouldn't be your concern. Just put the couples' names on the invitations and if they inquire about their children you can just say "sorry for the misunderstanding but the invite was just for you and your SO."

You're perfectly within your rights to not invite children as long as you don't split up families (ie inviting one child in a family but not their sibling).

If they can't come because they can't find childcare, then they can decline.

heatherrae8

Well, my parents are paying for 90-95% of the wedding and these family members have 7 months to make arrangements. My FI is leaning towards making an exception because he doesn't want to deal with the drama but I think it's ridiculous for people to not be able to make arrangements. His family has a tendency to get pushed out of shape over little things and I want to stick to my guns b/c I don't think it would be fair.

flantastic

The only reasons you should worry about this:

1) Your FMIL is paying for the wedding.

2) It would upset you if these people had to decline.

It will cause less drama if you or FMIL can say to them that no children will be invited, but you don't have to give an explanation for inviting or not inviting anyone.

heatherrae8

I have one aunt and uncle who have two older children that are 18+ and one that is like 13 but if I invite the 13yr old my FI's family will see this as an insult so I've already spoken with my dad about talking to my uncle about this and my mom is on my side about this. Do you think this is really bad?

lyndausvi

You are allowed to not invite kids.

You, however, are NOT allowed to decide or even suggest where these said should stay.  Every parent has a different comfort level on who watches their kid.  It's not your place to make suggestions.  If they decline just say they will be missed.

heatherrae8

lyndausvi said:

You are allowed to not invite kids.

You, however, are NOT allowed to decide or even suggest where these said should stay.  Every parent has a different comfort level on who watches their kid.  It's not your place to make suggestions.  If they decline just say they will be missed.

That makes sense, I've only suggested this to my FI so that he can see that they do have a place to leave their kids. 

heatherrae8

Sorry, I'm new to this and I'm trying to learn... IDK if I'm using the right lingo... does FI= Fiance?

flantastic

heatherrae8 said:

lyndausvi said:

You are allowed to not invite kids.

You, however, are NOT allowed to decide or even suggest where these said should stay.  Every parent has a different comfort level on who watches their kid.  It's not your place to make suggestions.  If they decline just say they will be missed.

That makes sense, I've only suggested this to my FI so that he can see that they do have a place to leave their kids. 

They're still allowed to decide it's not worth it. Will it upset your FI if they can't come because they don't want to find childcare?

PrettyGirlLost

heatherrae8 said:

I have one aunt and uncle who have two older children that are 18+ and one that is like 13 but if I invite the 13yr old my FI's family will see this as an insult so I've already spoken with my dad about talking to my uncle about this and my mom is on my side about this. Do you think this is really bad?

Most ppl here are going to tell you that it's fine etiquette wise to invite the 18+ siblings bc they are adults, and exclude the 13 year old.

Personally, I don't agree and I see that as splitting up the family. . .because that's exactly what it is. Every member of that family save one will be invited to your wedding.

As another PP said, inviting in circles relieves these odd situations that are caused by arbitrary age cut offs. Personally I'd invite just the Aunt and Uncle in this situation, and not the cousins.

southernbelle0915

heatherrae8 said:

Sorry, I'm new to this and I'm trying to learn... IDK if I'm using the right lingo... does FI= Fiance?

Yes

southernbelle0915

If your FMIL isn't paying, then she has no say. 

You're right, these people have had 7 months to make arrangements and they haven't done it. This is not your problem. It's theirs. 

Any drama isn't being created by YOU. It's THEM (and your FMIL) creating drama by asking for special treatment because they can't make child care arrangements or simply decline an invitation. 

Stick to your guns on this. 

heatherrae8

flantastic said:

heatherrae8 said:

lyndausvi said:

You are allowed to not invite kids.

You, however, are NOT allowed to decide or even suggest where these said should stay.  Every parent has a different comfort level on who watches their kid.  It's not your place to make suggestions.  If they decline just say they will be missed.

That makes sense, I've only suggested this to my FI so that he can see that they do have a place to leave their kids. 

They're still allowed to decide it's not worth it. Will it upset your FI if they can't come because they don't want to find childcare?

It will, but I'm trying to get him to understand that there are lots of options and they must not care that much if they can't figure something out. I feel like I'm working with spoiled kids. I'm trying hard to be understanding but I have younger cousins that I would like to have there too but I'm not inviting them because I don't want to break the rule.

bizzy592

If your parents are paying, and not pushing you to include children from your side of the family, then I don't think you should give in to your FMIL.

If you want to go above and beyond, you could rent a hotel room, and pay for a babysitter for the day (or hire the sitter to watch them at FMILs home). Those 4 kids could hang there, watch movies, etc.

flantastic

heatherrae8 said:

flantastic said:

heatherrae8 said:

lyndausvi said:

You are allowed to not invite kids.

You, however, are NOT allowed to decide or even suggest where these said should stay.  Every parent has a different comfort level on who watches their kid.  It's not your place to make suggestions.  If they decline just say they will be missed.

That makes sense, I've only suggested this to my FI so that he can see that they do have a place to leave their kids. 

They're still allowed to decide it's not worth it. Will it upset your FI if they can't come because they don't want to find childcare?

It will, but I'm trying to get him to understand that there are lots of options and they must not care that much if they can't figure something out. I feel like I'm working with spoiled kids. I'm trying hard to be understanding but I have younger cousins that I would like to have there too but I'm not inviting them because I don't want to break the rule.

I agree. We didn't invite a lot of cousins that both of us would have wanted to invite, because we didn't want to insult any of them and didn't have room for the 50 extra people. So someone arguing that they MUST come and MUST bring their children would have annoyed me. No, you mustn't. There are other options.

banana468

heatherrae8 said:

flantastic said:

heatherrae8 said:

lyndausvi said:

You are allowed to not invite kids.

You, however, are NOT allowed to decide or even suggest where these said should stay.  Every parent has a different comfort level on who watches their kid.  It's not your place to make suggestions.  If they decline just say they will be missed.

That makes sense, I've only suggested this to my FI so that he can see that they do have a place to leave their kids. 

They're still allowed to decide it's not worth it. Will it upset your FI if they can't come because they don't want to find childcare?

It will, but I'm trying to get him to understand that there are lots of options and they must not care that much if they can't figure something out. I feel like I'm working with spoiled kids. I'm trying hard to be understanding but I have younger cousins that I would like to have there too but I'm not inviting them because I don't want to break the rule.

Just keep in mind that just because they decline does not mean that they don't care.

Example: If you're an OOT person for me, I'm not going to travel WITH my kids and leave them with people I don't know.   Depending on the age of the child, I may not leave them either.   I have a 4 yo and a 5 mo.   The 4 yo is fine to stay ON with others but the 5 mo still wakes up throughout the night and I'm nursing.   I leave my kids for 9 hours a day for work so I'm not anti kid-free events but it's about who I'm comfortable using as a caregiver.  If I decline your invitation it isn't because I don't WANT to be there and I hold no ill will towards you.   I just know that if something's going to be a logistical nightmare then I'm better off sending you a present and seeing you after the big day.

KatieinBkln

lizabobiza said:

If your parents are paying, and not pushing you to include children from your side of the family, then I don't think you should give in to your FMIL.

If you want to go above and beyond, you could rent a hotel room, and pay for a babysitter for the day (or hire the sitter to watch them at FMILs home). Those 4 kids could hang there, watch movies, etc.

Eh, I'd be careful about this. It seems really thoughtful and cool to me, but I don't have kids, and I know that LOTS of parents (almost certainly the same ones who would throw shit-fits if their angels aren't invited, funnily enough) are really picky about having someone they don't know watch their kids.

heatherrae8

Thanks for the help! I feel much better about this now!

lyndausvi

heatherrae8 said:

lyndausvi said:

You are allowed to not invite kids.

You, however, are NOT allowed to decide or even suggest where these said should stay.  Every parent has a different comfort level on who watches their kid.  It's not your place to make suggestions.  If they decline just say they will be missed.

That makes sense, I've only suggested this to my FI so that he can see that they do have a place to leave their kids. 

and you know that how?    

Who said godmother is around to watch said kid?  Who said the friend's parents what a house guest that weekend or do not have something else going on for that matter?

Not many people like to hire an overnight babysitter they met on the internet.

Look I only invited my nieces and nephews.  That was because I like them and I didn't want to put my siblings in a difficult situation (everyone was OOT).     All my 1st cousins were off age or I would have invited them too.  That is because I would not have put my aunts in a difficult situation.  Now I didn't invite my cousins kids, because, well I'm not that close to them and I would not be upset if they had to decline because of babysitting issues.

lovegood90

scribe95 said:

I just hope your FI supports you and the decision that you two made as a couple and doesn't bend to his mother. This will indicate a lot how your relationship will go in the future.

Yes, make sure your Fi is able to back you up with this and that you're on the same page.

kimberly0315

I have a toddler, and I completely understand why people don't want children at their wedding and respect that decision 110%.  However, You must also be prepared for them to decline.  I would not travel to a location and leave my child/ren with a stranger or leave them in a different city, therefore I would not attend the wedding.  But I wouldn't be upset about it either because it's your choice.  

If you don't want children there, don't invite them.  But do expect someone to not attend or get hurt feelings.  If your FI wants them there, that's another discussion though because it is his wedding too.

[Deleted User]

We did no kids but made the exception for out of town guests. I think it's harder for OOT guests to find sitters for the weekend. For example, my niece had a 5 year old (which she probably could have left with her other grandmother, but she has had a 4 month old that she was still breast feeding. Due to travel, she would be gone for 4 days & that was too long to be away from the baby that she was breast feeding. Ok, so then you let her bring the baby. But then how do you tell a 5 years that she can't go to a wedding with her mom, sister & step dad, grandma & aunt are all going? You can't. Sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture and make exceptions to the rule.

WhatawagSBNy

Case by case. That is why it is so important for a couple to agree on guidelines, then keep them to themselves, nothing for people to argue about when you make exceptions.

Knottie74992899

The issue isn't children the issue is your FMIL.  Is this the hill you want to die on?  Will this become an issue with her?  Is she involved in planning the wedding?  This is about your future relationship with your FMIL not children.

Jen4948

Knottie74992899 said:

The issue isn't children the issue is your FMIL.  Is this the hill you want to die on?  Will this become an issue with her?  Is she involved in planning the wedding?  This is about your future relationship with your FMIL not children.

If the OP and her FI don't want kids at their wedding and the FMIL isn't paying, then she doesn't get a say, period.

This isn't dying on a hill, it's enforcing "those who pay get the say." The FMIL may not be happy with that, but that is her issue to deal with.

If the OP and her FI are always asked about whether or not something is a hill they want to die on whenever it comes to setting boundaries with someone who isn't paying, then when do they get to make and own their own decisions about their own wedding and lives? The FMIL's potentially hurt feelings aren't the only things to consider. And it isn't always an "FMIL problem" but respect for a decision they need to apply across the board.

[Deleted User]

theartistformerlyknownas

If you think it will cause drama to not make an exception for those couple of kids, think of the drama that will result when the other parents realize an exception was not made for their kids.

Make a rule. Be consistent. If that rule is no one under 18, so be it. Your responsibility ends with addressing your invitations clearly and accurately. It's up to your guests to make decisions from that point on.

cantwaitforthefuture

We did not have children at our wedding.  A few people also asked us to make exceptions, and it was really hard, but we said no every time.  We know if we started making exceptions then other people with children would get upset with us.  People also suggested that we line up child care for the parents.  We did not do that either.  In my opinion, that is not the job of anyone but the parents.  Anyway, my first cousin did not come to my wedding because of this all, but it was just easier to make a rule and stick to it.