Found out ab the Ring, No Proposal

lisakae44

Hi ladies,

I've been with the BF for approx 4 years. He's 33 and I'm 28, both very secure in our professions and finances. We've bought a house and adopted a (neurotic) cat. So when there was no movement toward engagement over the holidays 2014 we had a little "come to Jesus" meeting about out future. Shortly after the talk we came home to a message on the answering machine from the jeweler that we had visited in the past to browse ring designs. BF immediately erased the message before I could hear much more. About a month ago I had to borrow his laptop which had an open window with a FedEx tracking number in it with an originating address being the jeweler, and the ending location being a resort town about 2 hours away. BF had apparently driven to the location and signed for the package in the middle of the week. That weekend we took an impromptu trip to the resort area and I of course was thinking "this is it!" Imagine my crushing heartbreak when nothing happened. The following weekend we too another surprise trip to another area... again, NOTHING. What could be going on here? Why would the jeweler have mailed something to another location in his name, and why would he have gone to sign for it then take me to the same town and not propose? How long did your SO wait to propose after the ring was purchased? I'm going crazy with the waiting game. I've told no one at all about it. What should I DO???

sinaxis

Think of it this way: Would you rather him wait and propose in maybe a meaningful way? Or squander his plans with impatience? I know the feeling, the talk is heavy and the budget is set for the ring.

But trust me, you'll be much happier simply waiting and letting him do his thing!

bethsmiles

There are ladies on here who waited over a year after the ring was purchased for the proposal. Ring =/= immediate proposal.

What you need to do is adjust your expectations because you are just setting yourself up for disappointment. In the grand scheme of things what does it matter if he proposes in a week or 2 months. In a year, you won't care.

You don't get this time of dating back. Instead of focusing on the proposal focus on your relationship. Don't assume every date is going to be a proposal and you'll be a lot happier.

Also, stop snooping. There's no way you have this much info without snooping.

[Deleted User]

Everything @bethsmiles said.

And I DEFINITELY second the whole "stop snooping" thing.  All you're doing is setting yourself up for disappointment.  He will propose when he's ready.

Also, when you say you "had a come to Jesus meeting," you really mean that you sat down and had a nice, mature conversation about your future, each of you expressing clearly what you wanted and how you wanted to create your life together, right?

lisakae44

Yeah, I don't snoop. I respect him much more than that. As I explained before, we both were there when these things were found out. One was a message left on our home machine (that BF actually hit the button to play and then erased before we could hear it all) and the other was the window that was open in his browser when I turned on his computer after he gave me permission to borrow it. I did close out the window after i was done with he computer so he wouldn't put two and two together and realized he left the info out in the open, but snoop? Not this kid. Also, I don't feel like it's unreasonable to have thought he might be proposing when he springs a surprise trip on me two weeks in a row since he's the kind of guy that never makes plans.

lisakae44

"Also, when you say you "had a come to Jesus meeting," you really mean that you sat down and had a nice, mature conversation about your future, each of you expressing clearly what you wanted and how you wanted to create your life together, right?"

Of course. "Come to Jesus" is just something my family says when talking about having a serious conversation.

lisakae44

I definitely want him to do it however he likes, becasue it's not just about me, it's about him too. But the anticipation is killer!

labro

lisakae44 said:

Hi ladies,

I've been with the BF for approx 4 years. He's 33 and I'm 28, both very secure in our professions and finances. We've bought a house and adopted a (neurotic) cat. So when there was no movement toward engagement over the holidays 2014 we had a little "come to Jesus" meeting about out future. Shortly after the talk we came home to a message on the answering machine from the jeweler that we had visited in the past to browse ring designs. BF immediately erased the message before I could hear much more. About a month ago I had to borrow his laptop which had an open window with a FedEx tracking number in it with an originating address being the jeweler, and the ending location being a resort town about 2 hours away. BF had apparently driven to the location and signed for the package in the middle of the week. That weekend we took an impromptu trip to the resort area and I of course was thinking "this is it!" Imagine my crushing heartbreak when nothing happened. The following weekend we too another surprise trip to another area... again, NOTHING. What could be going on here? Why would the jeweler have mailed something to another location in his name, and why would he have gone to sign for it then take me to the same town and not propose? How long did your SO wait to propose after the ring was purchased? I'm going crazy with the waiting game. I've told no one at all about it. What should I DO???

lisakae44 said:

Yeah, I don't snoop. I respect him much more than that. As I explained before, we both were there when these things were found out. One was a message left on our home machine (that BF actually hit the button to play and then erased before we could hear it all) and the other was the window that was open in his browser when I turned on his computer after he gave me permission to borrow it. I did close out the window after i was done with he computer so he wouldn't put two and two together and realized he left the info out in the open, but snoop? Not this kid. Also, I don't feel like it's unreasonable to have thought he might be proposing when he springs a surprise trip on me two weeks in a row since he's the kind of guy that never makes plans.

If you really aren't snooping and want to be surprised, then I think you should talk with your BF about being a little more discreet with his planning. It's ruing the surprise for you and clearly upsetting you when you start to expect the proposal and it doesn't happen. If you're stressed out about WHEN you should consider talking timelines...although if he's bought a ring the engagement will likely happen sooner than later. While some women on this board HAVE waited over a year for an engagement ring after it was purchased,  I think it's more common to wait a few months, if that. Be patient and try to find things to do to distract yourself. Pick up a new hobby, start a running program. Enjoy and appreciate the relationship you have right now because once you're engaged, and later married, you won't have it anymore.

lisakae44

I had thought about talking to him about it, but I hate the idea of him knowing I know. I know I can just tell him "just because i know you have it doesn't mean i won't be surprised by HOW you do it" but I feel like it will still ruin it for him somehow, and I don't want him to feel badly. I have joined a 5k training course and that helps, but I have this mix or excitement and worry!!!! Thanks for the advice, and I LOVE your photo!

buddysmom80

lisakae44 said:

Hi ladies,

I've been with the BF for approx 4 years. He's 33 and I'm 28, both very secure in our professions and finances. We've bought a house and adopted a (neurotic) cat. So when there was no movement toward engagement over the holidays 2014 we had a little "come to Jesus" meeting about out future. Shortly after the talk we came home to a message on the answering machine from the jeweler that we had visited in the past to browse ring designs. BF immediately erased the message before I could hear much more. About a month ago I had to borrow his laptop which had an open window with a FedEx tracking number in it with an originating address being the jeweler, and the ending location being a resort town about 2 hours away. BF had apparently driven to the location and signed for the package in the middle of the week. That weekend we took an impromptu trip to the resort area and I of course was thinking "this is it!" Imagine my crushing heartbreak when nothing happened. The following weekend we too another surprise trip to another area... again, NOTHING. What could be going on here? Why would the jeweler have mailed something to another location in his name, and why would he have gone to sign for it then take me to the same town and not propose? How long did your SO wait to propose after the ring was purchased? I'm going crazy with the waiting game. I've told no one at all about it. What should I DO???

You still have an answering machine? I thought everyone used voicemail now...

cu97tiger

I agree with everything @bethsmiles said.

Also, it IS snooping if you read every detail on a FedEx tracking page when you know it's not a package that is being sent for you.

I know it's hard. Just take a deep breath, stop thinking that the proposal is coming any second, and be happy that your BF has taken a big step towards a proposal.

loves2shop4shoes

I know that waiting can be hard, but if you pretty much know (or can reasonably assume) that he has the ring, you know he's making strides in the right direction.  Just wait and enjoy your last bit of time with a naked finger.

FWIW, my DH proposed almost exactly two months after he bought my engagement ring.

eilis1228

Hmmm I was in a similar situation, and I lost my ever-loving mind in the months leading up to the proposal. As hard as it may be, you need to chill. Take up a hobby to help distract you, get off wedding-related websites like this, and try to channel your excess nervous energy elsewhere. It will seriously help preserve your sanity.

Also, try to think of it like this-- don't you want to be genuinely surprised when he proposes instead of thinking, "OMG FINALLY!!!!"? 

Also, what if that FedEx info isn't a ring? What if he bought you a necklace or earrings or something? How terrible would it be for him to give you what he thinks is a really special gift, and you're obviously disappointed because you've convinced yourself it's a ring. You truthfully have no idea what he's purchased, so please don't convince yourself it's a ring. 

[Deleted User]

eilis1228 said:

Hmmm I was in a similar situation, and I lost my ever-loving mind in the months leading up to the proposal. As hard as it may be, you need to chill. Take up a hobby to help distract you, get off wedding-related websites like this, and try to channel your excess nervous energy elsewhere. It will seriously help preserve your sanity.

Also, try to think of it like this-- don't you want to be genuinely surprised when he proposes instead of thinking, "OMG FINALLY!!!!"? 

Also, what if that FedEx info isn't a ring? What if he bought you a necklace or earrings or something? How terrible would it be for him to give you what he thinks is a really special gift, and you're obviously disappointed because you've convinced yourself it's a ring. You truthfully have no idea what he's purchased, so please don't convince yourself it's a ring. 

To the bolded: THIS.  My ex once gave me diamond studs for Christmas, but he told me that my Christmas present was "shiny and came in a box."  I was 22 and thought I was ready to be married RIGHT THEN and so I had convinced myself he was going to propose.  So instead I ended up crying in the bathroom.  Ruined what would have been a perfectly good Christmas.

GoldenPenguin

lilacck28

HIMYM!

I'm still bitter though. I smile at the gifs, and then I remember. BETRAYED!

eilis1228

@lilacck28 I like to pretend the last season never happened.

GoldenPenguin

I know I'm in the minority, but I was really happy with how it ended. Flame as you wish.

ETA: the rest of the season pretty much blew, but I was okay with the ending.

lilacck28

@goldenpenguin

You're dead to me.










JK. ILU.

GoldenPenguin

lilacck28 said:

@goldenpenguin

You're dead to me.










JK. ILU.

Liar liar, pants on fire. You too, @Eilis1228

Dignity100

buddysmom80 said:

Hi ladies,

I've been with the BF for approx 4 years. He's 33 and I'm 28, both very secure in our professions and finances. We've bought a house and adopted a (neurotic) cat. So when there was no movement toward engagement over the holidays 2014 we had a little "come to Jesus" meeting about out future. Shortly after the talk we came home to a message on the answering machine from the jeweler that we had visited in the past to browse ring designs. BF immediately erased the message before I could hear much more. About a month ago I had to borrow his laptop which had an open window with a FedEx tracking number in it with an originating address being the jeweler, and the ending location being a resort town about 2 hours away. BF had apparently driven to the location and signed for the package in the middle of the week. That weekend we took an impromptu trip to the resort area and I of course was thinking "this is it!" Imagine my crushing heartbreak when nothing happened. The following weekend we too another surprise trip to another area... again, NOTHING. What could be going on here? Why would the jeweler have mailed something to another location in his name, and why would he have gone to sign for it then take me to the same town and not propose? How long did your SO wait to propose after the ring was purchased? I'm going crazy with the waiting game. I've told no one at all about it. What should I DO???

You still have an answering machine? I thought everyone used voicemail now...

Guilty - I still have an answering machine on my home line because I'm too lazy to setup VM on the line.  HA - and I still have a LAN line.

jenjen047

Agree with everything PP have said. Try to be patient and distract yourself as much as possible and focus on the positive: he wants to spend the rest of his life with you!

Question for the girls on this board whose FI/DH waited many months/a year after purchasing a ring to propose...do you know what he did with it in the in-between time? Just curious.

WildMagelet

jenjen047 said:

Agree with everything PP have said. Try to be patient and distract yourself as much as possible and focus on the positive: he wants to spend the rest of his life with you!

Question for the girls on this board whose FI/DH waited many months/a year after purchasing a ring to propose...do you know what he did with it in the in-between time? Just curious.

It sat in the box in his night stand.  

jenjen047

@wildmagelet Ah, good place. I was imagining sock or underwear drawer....which I would definitely come across seeing as I do all the laundry.

nycgal85

@jenjen047 - I have a feeling my BF is keeping the ring either locked in his office desk or his dad is holding on to it for now. Like you I'm sure it's not in his sock or underwear drawer because I do the laundry and I would have seen it.

jenjen047

@nycgal85 - Both sound like good places!

JennyColada

DH told me that he brought the ring over to his dad's (I knew he bought a ring, but we agreed to wait a few months before being officially engaged).

In reality, he hid it in a little cubby that's in the under-the-stairs closet.

So it was like DOUBLE hidden.

nycgal85

I'm just happy to know that at the very most I have 2 months longer to wait. He promised he would do it before his birthday which is beginning of May. My bestie keeps tormenting me because she knows when he's going to do it. 

I've found reading articles on APW in their pre-engaged section to be a huge help for me emotionally.

lavenderfields13

jenjen047 said:

Agree with everything PP have said. Try to be patient and distract yourself as much as possible and focus on the positive: he wants to spend the rest of his life with you!

Question for the girls on this board whose FI/DH waited many months/a year after purchasing a ring to propose...do you know what he did with it in the in-between time? Just curious.

It was shipped to his parents' house and that's where it stayed until he gave it to me. I heard they "misplaced" it for a little while. Nice.