My family has never been to a wedding needs help

Abbynieves627

My family is at lost for whats proper ettiqute or expectations for my coming wedding as my family usually doesn't get married or do so at court houses. In my entire families exsistence there was 2 weddings ever. Grandmas in 1940's and my aunts in 1960's and they honestly are st lost.

Everybody practically has been calling the STD invitations and asking why theres no time, and only city&state not an address, how long is it... in speaking to other people some have overheard gifts are customarary and my family has expressed extreme shock at this and shock that theres other related events to a wedding (bridal party, rehersal dinner etc.)

My fiancee family on other hand most of them go to several weddings a year.

How do I get my family & friends (about 125!) knowing the 4-1-1 so they are not embarrased, or looked down upon by fiancee family for just not knowing.

My dad didn't even know he had to dance with me!

[Deleted User]

Abbynieves627 said:

My family is at lost for whats proper ettiqute or expectations for my coming wedding as my family usually doesn't get married or do so at court houses. In my entire families exsistence there was 2 weddings ever. Grandmas in 1940's and my aunts in 1960's and they honestly are st lost. Everybody practically has been calling the STD invitations and asking why theres no time, and only city&state not an address, how long is it... in speaking to other people some have overheard gifts are customarary and my family has expressed extreme shock at this and shock that theres other related events to a wedding (bridal party, rehersal dinner etc.) My fiancee family on other hand most of them go to several weddings a year. How do I get my family & friends (about 125!) knowing the 4-1-1 so they are not embarrased, or looked down upon by fiancee family for just not knowing. My dad didn't even know he had to dance with me!

Wow hon.  Take a deep breath.  Nothing is required except a bride, a groom, a license, and sometimes and officiant; everything else is gravy.  Stick around here, read the boards, you'll learn what is nice, what is rude, and what is unnecessary.  Ask some questions within other people's questions.  What you're asking for right here is a crash course on weddings, so I think you need to take some smaller bites.  Your dad doesn't need to dance with you.  If it will completely freak him out, don't force it.  You don't have to have a bridal party or a rehearsal dinner if you don't want.  Seriously, take a moment, take a breath, have a glass of wine.  Then ask us a few slightly smaller questions.  We love to help.

huskypuppy14

Abbynieves627 said:

My family is at lost for whats proper ettiqute or expectations for my coming wedding as my family usually doesn't get married or do so at court houses. In my entire families exsistence there was 2 weddings ever. Grandmas in 1940's and my aunts in 1960's and they honestly are st lost. Everybody practically has been calling the STD invitations and asking why theres no time, and only city&state not an address, how long is it... in speaking to other people some have overheard gifts are customarary and my family has expressed extreme shock at this and shock that theres other related events to a wedding (bridal party, rehersal dinner etc.) My fiancee family on other hand most of them go to several weddings a year. How do I get my family & friends (about 125!) knowing the 4-1-1 so they are not embarrased, or looked down upon by fiancee family for just not knowing. My dad didn't even know he had to dance with me!

While gifts are common, they are not required. No one has to throw you a shower, but if they are invited to one, they can RSVP accordingly. 

What are you afraid they are not going to know. Surely, they have been to parties before, no. They sit down and watch the marriage ceremony, and then they get to party. I think you are making this too complicated. 

If you want to dance with you dad at your wedding, ask him! Don't be exasperated that he isn't all knowing.

esstee33

All your family needs to do is RSVP so you know whether they're coming or not, then show up if they said yes. That's it. 

Gifts are optional.

Pre-wedding parties are optional and should be planned by someone other than you if they are offered to you. Anyone invited to engagement parties, showers, bachelorette parties, any wedding-related party at all, MUST be invited to the wedding also. That's more "etiquette crash course" for you rather than your family, but I think it's always good to mention, because we see a lot of people planning their own showers or inviting people to them that aren't invited to the wedding, which is just gross. You don't want to be that person. 

In general, though, it would be really helpful if you could tell us exactly what questions you have about specific topics. Planning a wedding is a massive undertaking, so narrow it down for us! 

CMGragain

Abbynieves627 said:

My family is at lost for whats proper ettiqute or expectations for my coming wedding as my family usually doesn't get married or do so at court houses. In my entire families exsistence there was 2 weddings ever. Grandmas in 1940's and my aunts in 1960's and they honestly are st lost. Everybody practically has been calling the STD invitations and asking why theres no time, and only city&state not an address, how long is it... in speaking to other people some have overheard gifts are customarary and my family has expressed extreme shock at this and shock that theres other related events to a wedding (bridal party, rehersal dinner etc.) My fiancee family on other hand most of them go to several weddings a year. How do I get my family & friends (about 125!) knowing the 4-1-1 so they are not embarrased, or looked down upon by fiancee family for just not knowing. My dad didn't even know he had to dance with me!

Wedding = bride, groom, officiant, license, witnesses.  Courthouse weddings are REAL weddings.

Rehearsal dinner, bridesmaids, gifts, etc. are not required.

Your family will be fine.  If your FI's family "looks down upon them", that would be very rude and small minded of them.  Has your family ever been to church?  Wedding ceremony behavior is similar to a church service.  Has your family ever been to dinner at a restaurant?  Reception etiquette is similar to that.

wrigleyville

STDs are a relatively new thing. I understand why they're confused. When my older relatives receive them, they're confused too. In my circles, the date was passed around by word of mouth, and/or invitations were sent about 3-4 months in advance so people had time to plan (the RSVP date was still about ten days before the wedding; it wasn't a B-list thing).

WhatawagSBNy

Go to your public library and look at a general etiquette book in Non-fiction 395.00 section. It can be a wedding book but unless you are having a fancy wedding, most any will do. Miss Manners books by Judith Martin are the best, very human and a little funny.

The good and bad thing about the web is that you can get many opinions on a very specific subject. If you know what the issue is, and if you ask the right question.

A general etiquette book is more like a cookbook for beginners that they will use for the rest of their lives.

It tells you the ingredients of the wedding first, the various people and their roles in general.
It gives you a plan for the order in which to do things, things you may not even know need to be done. So how can you ask an online question before you do the wrong thing? You can't. But a book will lay out the order of things, and explain the reason for the correct thing to do in every situation.
How to make a list, choose where and when to hold it , proper dress for different kinds of weddings.
Then it walks you through invitations to tablecloths to the way to register for gifts and let people know without looking greedy. And the how and when of thank you notes and showers and other parties. A lot of people get really upset when someone does things wrong here.

The non-wedding sections will help with the rest. The proper good manners and way to handle things is the same for weddings as other entertaining. But weddings are more formal and larger groups than many people ever deal with.
So the non-wedding book sections will have examples

This is a formal invitation for a morning wedding. This is an invitation style for a formal shower in a reception hall. This is an informal invitation for a small bunch of friends in a home living room.

Before you can buy invitations and such, you need to see the choices.

There will also be samples of thank you notes, which are a little more fancy than for a birthday present.

Good luck and have fun planning.

blushingbride8888

Get a planning book for sure and definitely check in on these boards if you're unsure since sometimes books aren't necessarily into etiquette depending on what they are.

Although my family has had weddings, I'm the first of my generation so the last one (that was more traditionall ceremony and reception) was many yrs ago so I'm dealing with explaining a lot of things too (save the dates, letting my bridesmaids wear different styles and not assigning them "duties"). Early 90s was the last more traditional one in my family. Just keep in mind all weddings are different and as long as it follows etiquette and keeps your guests in mind you really can do what you want. Ask tons of questions on these boards! We love helping

WhatawagSBNy

@blushingbride889 - Twenty five years between family weddings is almost incomprehensible to someone from a large family, married to someone from a HUGE family. The first of hubby's 75 nieces and nephews get married next summer, 3 of them, while his younger siblings are still producing more nieces and nephews.

Abbynieves627

Thanks guys. Guest Im stuck just explaining everything. Had a family member recently try to invite someone I met once to the wedding. It was made sn innocense in not knowing its inappropriat.. I hope they do reply RSVPs.

Actually most of my family goes to restaurants only once a year and its quite humorous as they seem not to know ettiquite for that either! They order in no particular order, politely ask waiter why salad and drinks served without the meal. The waiter actually usually looks worn out dealing with them but smiles because they don't forget their please and thank you's.

My bridal party is throwing the bridal shower (they insisted) and parents in-law rehersal dinner. Appreciated but makes my family nervous and I have a big family.

Some of you I think are confused that I never been to a wedding and was confused about ettiquite but thanks to my fiancee I been to too many lol but thanks guys whenever I am a bit confused I ask around. Thanks for trying.

Abbynieves627

Most of family has only been to church for baptisms

JellyBean52513

Abbynieves627 said:

Thanks guys. Guest Im stuck just explaining everything. Had a family member recently try to invite someone I met once to the wedding. It was made sn innocense in not knowing its inappropriat.. I hope they do reply RSVPs. Actually most of my family goes to restaurants only once a year and its quite humorous as they seem not to know ettiquite for that either! They order in no particular order, politely ask waiter why salad and drinks served without the meal. The waiter actually usually looks worn out dealing with them but smiles because they don't forget their please and thank you's. My bridal party is throwing the bridal shower (they insisted) and parents in-law rehersal dinner. Appreciated but makes my family nervous and I have a big family. Some of you I think are confused that I never been to a wedding and was confused about ettiquite but thanks to my fiancee I been to too many lol but thanks guys whenever I am a bit confused I ask around. Thanks for trying.

It's ok that a lot of this is new to your family. My SO has never been to a wedding in his life. When we got to talking about weddings, there was a lot of "Wait, what??" "Why?" "What's the point of that?" coming from him, and I just patiently explained things. 

If this helps, start by talking to your mom and dad only. Make sure they understand things. Once they get it, they can spread by word of mouth to the rest of your family members. That way, you won't feel so overwhelmed by making sure everybody who shows up from your side are going to act appropriately in front of FI's family. 

SP29

It seems like you have a lot of questions, versus one or two specific, which is hard to answer online. May I suggest a book on weddings that you and your SO can read through and talk to your parents about?

The biggies:

Ceremony- this is the one aspect that is all about the B&G (as it is the act of marriage), however, you must still treat your guests politely and like adults. Every butt gets a chair. Start the ceremony at the time stated on your invitation (expect adults to show up on time, and if they don't, that's on them).

Invitations- They describe the who, what, where, when. Generally only those hosting are listed on the invite, it does not denote who is paying (unless they are also hosting). Do not include other things on the invite- the only thing that is acceptable is "Black Tie" (if that is truly the event you are having). If you want to include directions, or other information about the reception, this can be included on a separate insert. Do not include registry information with your invitation. This can be spread by word of mouth, or people will ask you if you want to know. You can also have a wedding website- this link can be provided on a separate insert in your invitation, and the website can have extra information.

Reception- This is to thank your guests for witnessing your ceremony. The reception is more about the guests than the B&G, although of course we see lots of customary B&G things (cutting the cake, first dance, etc). Everyone invited to the ceremony should be invited to the reception (and all of it- no "you are invited to join us for dancing!"). Also, social units must be invited together- this means inviting your guest and the person they consider them self to be in a relationship with. Truly single guests are not required to have a "plus one". You are not required to invite every aunt/uncle you have, nor children (but don't invite one child from a family and not the other). A chair for every butt. Your guests should be fully hosted and not have to open their wallets. This does not mean you are required to have a top shelf bar (you can have no alcohol if that's what you want), or a 5 course meal, it means that a meal should be served if your reception is over a meal time and that everything available during the event should be available to ALL your guests fairly (i.e. no cash or partial cash bars).

No gap between your ceremony and reception. Cocktail hours are fine, but keep it to an hour, and it should be hosted with some sort of beverage and snack. 

Gifts- Never required; there are no rules on how much someone has to spend, or what they should get you. You may have a registry, but don't blast it out to people. Having a link under a registry tab on a wedding website is more than enough. If people want to know, they will ask. Or family can ask your parents and it gets spread via word of mouth. Everyone knows cash is a good gift, so don't ask for cash (this includes gift cards and honeymoon funds). 

I think those are the big ones. Keep lurking and you'll pick up on things. I like to think of inviting guests to a wedding as you would to your house for a dinner party- if you think something would be rude to do to someone you invited to your house (like making they pay for their wine at dinner), then it's rude at a wedding too! 

A lot of people seem to think that proper etiquette means lots of money (which is why they feel the need to justify things like cash bars), or that they have to have a fancy evening event, but this is not true. A wedding can be a simple ceremony with cake and punch afterwards- simple, yet still hosts your guests properly. 

MandyMost

First, make sure you know all the etiquette do's and don'ts. It sounds like you're pretty up to speed, but since so many people do things wrong, you don't want to just go by what everyone else has done. Read up here for sure! 

Second, I feel your pain with a family who doesn't know which was is up when it comes to "fancy" events. With "fancy" meaning anything more than a backyard bbq potluck with no start/end time! 

The best thing you can do is relax, and realize that their behavior has nothing to do with you. But I do have a couple suggestions:

• Is there anyone in your family interested in learning more and being more involved? I gave my mom a couple wedding books when I got engaged, and she was pretty into them. She would call me up randomly and say things like "Did you know that a wedding invitation is worded differently if it's in a church or not?!". It really helped.
  
• Know what to expect. For instance, the RSVPs. Make sure you give yourself enough time to follow-up with everyone who doens't RSVP appropriately.
• Again, know what to expect...which may mean you have to be more clear and provide more details than you otherwise would. For example, for the rehearsal dinner they may need more than just a day and time. Bring it up a couple months before the wedding, and walk them through what to expect (mention what people will wear, that there will be cocktails and dinner, that people will give a toast and they should prepare something if they feel like it, etc.). Sit down with your family and walk them through the flow of events at your wedding. This really helped me, and made my family much more comfortable knowing what to expect. Essentially, try to head things off before they become an issue!
• Make sure your friends know what's up and can help out. For instance, all the girls went to get their nails done the day before my wedding. My MIL and SIL had never gotten their nails done before, and had no idea what was going on. They were uncomfortable and embarrassed (even though they wanted to come, it was not an obligation at all), but we were able to help them out by helping them pick colors, and explaining what happened next, and if you needed to tip!
• Don't over-invite to pre-wedding parties. 

theartistformerlyknownas

MandyMost said:

First, make sure you know all the etiquette do's and don'ts. It sounds like you're pretty up to speed, but since so many people do things wrong, you don't want to just go by what everyone else has done. Read up here for sure! 

After seeing some of OP's other comments, I'm not sure that's the case despite having been to "too many weddings." Please don't go tell your family a bunch of made-up counter-etiquette "rules" that you've picked up along the way. If in ANY doubt, please ask us first before you offend your loved ones. We'll be honest with you where friends and family may not want to hurt your feelings. 

VulgarGirl

adk19 said:

Abbynieves627 said:

My family is at lost for whats proper ettiqute or expectations for my coming wedding as my family usually doesn't get married or do so at court houses. In my entire families exsistence there was 2 weddings ever. Grandmas in 1940's and my aunts in 1960's and they honestly are st lost. Everybody practically has been calling the STD invitations and asking why theres no time, and only city&state not an address, how long is it... in speaking to other people some have overheard gifts are customarary and my family has expressed extreme shock at this and shock that theres other related events to a wedding (bridal party, rehersal dinner etc.) My fiancee family on other hand most of them go to several weddings a year. How do I get my family & friends (about 125!) knowing the 4-1-1 so they are not embarrased, or looked down upon by fiancee family for just not knowing. My dad didn't even know he had to dance with me!

Wow hon.  Take a deep breath.  Nothing is required except a bride, a groom, a license, and sometimes and officiant; everything else is gravy.  Stick around here, read the boards, you'll learn what is nice, what is rude, and what is unnecessary.  Ask some questions within other people's questions.  What you're asking for right here is a crash course on weddings, so I think you need to take some smaller bites.  Your dad doesn't need to dance with you.  If it will completely freak him out, don't force it.  You don't have to have a bridal party or a rehearsal dinner if you don't want.  Seriously, take a moment, take a breath, have a glass of wine.  Then ask us a few slightly smaller questions.  We love to help.

CMGragain said:

Abbynieves627 said:

My family is at lost for whats proper ettiqute or expectations for my coming wedding as my family usually doesn't get married or do so at court houses. In my entire families exsistence there was 2 weddings ever. Grandmas in 1940's and my aunts in 1960's and they honestly are st lost. Everybody practically has been calling the STD invitations and asking why theres no time, and only city&state not an address, how long is it... in speaking to other people some have overheard gifts are customarary and my family has expressed extreme shock at this and shock that theres other related events to a wedding (bridal party, rehersal dinner etc.) My fiancee family on other hand most of them go to several weddings a year. How do I get my family & friends (about 125!) knowing the 4-1-1 so they are not embarrased, or looked down upon by fiancee family for just not knowing. My dad didn't even know he had to dance with me!

Wedding = bride, groom, officiant, license, witnesses.  Courthouse weddings are REAL weddings.

Rehearsal dinner, bridesmaids, gifts, etc. are not required.

Your family will be fine.  If your FI's family "looks down upon them", that would be very rude and small minded of them.  Has your family ever been to church?  Wedding ceremony behavior is similar to a church service.  Has your family ever been to dinner at a restaurant?  Reception etiquette is similar to that.

Nitpicking I know but can we please try to keep our language inclusive on TK?

Wedding equals: people getting married, license, officiant and witness(es) depending on the state's requirement.

Could be bride/groom, bride/bride, groom/groom (could also be a relationship with more then two people). It's important to remember I'm not the only happy homo on TK and we shouldn't assume everyone is straight until told otherwise.

ashley8918

MagicInk said:

adk19 said:

Abbynieves627 said:

My family is at lost for whats proper ettiqute or expectations for my coming wedding as my family usually doesn't get married or do so at court houses. In my entire families exsistence there was 2 weddings ever. Grandmas in 1940's and my aunts in 1960's and they honestly are st lost. Everybody practically has been calling the STD invitations and asking why theres no time, and only city&state not an address, how long is it... in speaking to other people some have overheard gifts are customarary and my family has expressed extreme shock at this and shock that theres other related events to a wedding (bridal party, rehersal dinner etc.) My fiancee family on other hand most of them go to several weddings a year. How do I get my family & friends (about 125!) knowing the 4-1-1 so they are not embarrased, or looked down upon by fiancee family for just not knowing. My dad didn't even know he had to dance with me!

Wow hon.  Take a deep breath.  Nothing is required except a bride, a groom, a license, and sometimes and officiant; everything else is gravy.  Stick around here, read the boards, you'll learn what is nice, what is rude, and what is unnecessary.  Ask some questions within other people's questions.  What you're asking for right here is a crash course on weddings, so I think you need to take some smaller bites.  Your dad doesn't need to dance with you.  If it will completely freak him out, don't force it.  You don't have to have a bridal party or a rehearsal dinner if you don't want.  Seriously, take a moment, take a breath, have a glass of wine.  Then ask us a few slightly smaller questions.  We love to help.

CMGragain said:

Abbynieves627 said:

My family is at lost for whats proper ettiqute or expectations for my coming wedding as my family usually doesn't get married or do so at court houses. In my entire families exsistence there was 2 weddings ever. Grandmas in 1940's and my aunts in 1960's and they honestly are st lost. Everybody practically has been calling the STD invitations and asking why theres no time, and only city&state not an address, how long is it... in speaking to other people some have overheard gifts are customarary and my family has expressed extreme shock at this and shock that theres other related events to a wedding (bridal party, rehersal dinner etc.) My fiancee family on other hand most of them go to several weddings a year. How do I get my family & friends (about 125!) knowing the 4-1-1 so they are not embarrased, or looked down upon by fiancee family for just not knowing. My dad didn't even know he had to dance with me!

Wedding = bride, groom, officiant, license, witnesses.  Courthouse weddings are REAL weddings.

Rehearsal dinner, bridesmaids, gifts, etc. are not required.

Your family will be fine.  If your FI's family "looks down upon them", that would be very rude and small minded of them.  Has your family ever been to church?  Wedding ceremony behavior is similar to a church service.  Has your family ever been to dinner at a restaurant?  Reception etiquette is similar to that.

Nitpicking I know but can we please try to keep our language inclusive on TK?

Wedding equals: people getting married, license, officiant and witness(es) depending on the state's requirement.

Could be bride/groom, bride/bride, groom/groom (could also be a relationship with more then two people). It's important to remember I'm not the only happy homo on TK and we shouldn't assume everyone is straight until told otherwise.