A high-functioning evil

novella1186

I haven't posted about my BSC sister in a while. Weird, right? Or weird for me, but really just a sign of total happiness cuz I booted her out of my life.

Well, FI and I met up with my parents last night to have dinner for my dad's birthday. It was going great, we were having fun, I haven't seen or talked to my dad in a while so there was no tension.

Then my mom says, "Hey, your sister called me and said that she would like to be in your wedding party IF you want her to be, so all you have to do is ask."
I started laughing. I said, "Um, yeah. Remember? I did ask. And she said yes. And she was my maid of honor. And then she went fucking psycho. So I reached out to her to fix it. So she attacked me. She removed herself from my wedding party. And now she wants me to ask again? What fucking Twilight Zone am I in?"
My mom asked, "Well do you want me to say anything to her for you?"
Before I could even answer, my dad interjected, "NO! STAY OUT OF IT!"
I nodded, and said, "Yep. Stay out of it. Cuz ya know what? Life gets way more fun and less stressful when you're able to recognize the things that are NOT your problem. Like my sister's psychotic behavior? That's not my problem. And it's not your problem. Remember? Remember how we talked about this before? You don't need to worry about it, you just need to say to yourself 'well that is not my fucking problem!' So anyway, how's the sea bass?"

Overall it was a fun night, besides that 2 minute stupid convo about my BSC sister, but I successfully changed the subject and my parents followed suit. They get that I don't want to talk about it, and they both acknowledge that I've done everything I can (and far more than I needed to) to return things to a state of peace. They know my sister is being a crazy asshole.

I had a delicious dinner, 2 dirty martinis with Hendricks (my favorite gin) and we each got a dessert and shared with each other (molten chocolate fudge cake with vanilla bean gelato, lavender and honey gelato, sugar-dusted house-made doughnut holes with coffee-chocolate sauce, and Mexican chocolate something or other. ZOMG so good. Overall, awesome night.

HOWEVER. Here's what gets me. My sister fucking threw the ball back into my court because that's what a manipulative pretending-to-be-the-victim bitch she is. I know, all of you are thinking "but you know it's not your problem so why are you worrying about it?" Because of her new fucking scheme. "All Novella has to do is ask and I'll be there for her." NOPE! I'm not getting back on that bus! NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. Enough damage has been done. I'm not going back for more. And she knows this.

She just put herself in the most sadistically perfect spot. Because either 1) I go crawling to her again for more abuse [NOPE!] or 2) I don't "ask her" so she gets to run around crying to all our relatives that she tried to be there for me and I scorned her and wouldn't allow her in my wedding. So even though she already removed herself, she's given me an opening to let her back in and when I don't take it, she now gets to say that I kicked her out. Even though I didn't. This is the fucking game she plays. I lose! If I lose I lose, if I win I lose, if I do nothing I lose, if I do something I lose. Summary: I lose I lose I lose. That fucking bitch.

huskypuppy14

novella1186 said:

I haven't posted about my BSC sister in a while. Weird, right? Or weird for me, but really just a sign of total happiness cuz I booted her out of my life.

Well, FI and I met up with my parents last night to have dinner for my dad's birthday. It was going great, we were having fun, I haven't seen or talked to my dad in a while so there was no tension.

Then my mom says, "Hey, your sister called me and said that she would like to be in your wedding party IF you want her to be, so all you have to do is ask."
I started laughing. I said, "Um, yeah. Remember? I did ask. And she said yes. And she was my maid of honor. And then she went fucking psycho. So I reached out to her to fix it. So she attacked me. She removed herself from my wedding party. And now she wants me to ask again? What fucking Twilight Zone am I in?"
My mom asked, "Well do you want me to say anything to her for you?"
Before I could even answer, my dad interjected, "NO! STAY OUT OF IT!"
I nodded, and said, "Yep. Stay out of it. Cuz ya know what? Life gets way more fun and less stressful when you're able to recognize the things that are NOT your problem. Like my sister's psychotic behavior? That's not my problem. And it's not your problem. Remember? Remember how we talked about this before? You don't need to worry about it, you just need to say to yourself 'well that is not my fucking problem!' So anyway, how's the sea bass?"

Overall it was a fun night, besides that 2 minute stupid convo about my BSC sister, but I successfully changed the subject and my parents followed suit. They get that I don't want to talk about it, and they both acknowledge that I've done everything I can (and far more than I needed to) to return things to a state of peace. They know my sister is being a crazy asshole.

I had a delicious dinner, 2 dirty martinis with Hendricks (my favorite gin) and we each got a dessert and shared with each other (molten chocolate fudge cake with vanilla bean gelato, lavender and honey gelato, sugar-dusted house-made doughnut holes with coffee-chocolate sauce, and Mexican chocolate something or other. ZOMG so good. Overall, awesome night.

HOWEVER. Here's what gets me. My sister fucking threw the ball back into my court because that's what a manipulative pretending-to-be-the-victim bitch she is. I know, all of you are thinking "but you know it's not your problem so why are you worrying about it?" Because of her new fucking scheme. "All Novella has to do is ask and I'll be there for her." NOPE! I'm not getting back on that bus! NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. Enough damage has been done. I'm not going back for more. And she knows this.

She just put herself in the most sadistically perfect spot. Because either 1) I go crawling to her again for more abuse [NOPE!] or 2) I don't "ask her" so she gets to run around crying to all our relatives that she tried to be there for me and I scorned her and wouldn't allow her in my wedding. So even though she already removed herself, she's given me an opening to let her back in and when I don't take it, she now gets to say that I kicked her out. Even though I didn't. This is the fucking game she plays. I lose! If I lose I lose, if I win I lose, if I do nothing I lose, if I do something I lose. Summary: I lose I lose I lose. That fucking bitch.

No, having her in your wedding would make you lose. You win this one. Let it go. She's crazy, and everyone knows it. She doesn't get to be a bitch to you, and then be the victim.

novella1186

huskypuppy14 (didn't want to quote cuz my OP is so long!) that's exactly her game (and always has been) to be a bitch AND the victim.

When we were little kids, she always had long nails, and if she didn't get her way she'd claw my arm really hard. I'd go to tell my parents, and she'd start crying on cue. She'd either say I hit her (never happened) or that I'd clawed my own arm and lied about it just to get her in trouble. Either way, I always ended up being the one in trouble for it, and she always got away with it. Now she's 30 and still playing the same game, just on a larger scale.

I kind of want to call her and say "You can be my maid of honor again, but only if I can punch you in the face every time I feel like it, which will be many times." Ugh. I'm so frustrated with this.

esstee33

Girl, here's the thing: You're not losing by cutting this dramatic fucking lunatic out of your life. She loses, because she's alienating the people who would actually care. 

YOU FUCKING WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, though -- you win. You really do. You get to have an awesome wedding at which you get to marry the love of your life, you have the love and support of your parents (FFS, even your dad kinda stuck up for you! Sorta!), and you don't have to stoop to chasing after her and playing her cruel little mind games. She's a bitch, and everyone knows it. She's the one who loses. 

And, honestly? Do you really think that any of the family she would run and talk shit to would NOT remember her antics at your engagement party? She can cry all she wants about how mean you are, but the truth is that she's been a bitch to you on a very grand scale in front of many, many witnesses. No amount of crocodile tears can get rid of what she's actually done. 

natswild

good for you for standing up, and shutting that shit down!  Echoing PP, you definitely win on this one, she's already made a fool of herself on numerous occasions, so forget about this psychotic bitch and enjoy your day!  (and life...   )

KytchynWitche

You handled that situation beautifully, @novella1186! I am proud of you!

Now, I know that you had to vent after dealing with that amount of BSC, but now you need to kick some dirt over that shit and move on. You know her victim act is bull, we know her victim act is bull, and I'd be willing to bet that your family does too. They tend to know more than either they let on or we give them credit for.

So just get on with getting on, enjoy your wedding and your life and don't give her a second though - because a single second wasted thinking and/or worrying about the thoughts and actions of a deranged prima donna is a second too many!

levioosa

You handled that really well.  Plus, here's the thing: you know she hasn't changed, and this is just one more example to support it.  Instead of apologizing and speaking directly to you, she tries to feed this to your mother?  That's bullshit.  She knows your mother is the weak spot, so she went there instead to try to manipulate you.  Good for you for shutting it down.

It's not a lose-lose situation for you--you are going to be so much more at peace by standing strong. BSC doesn't stay under wraps.  She can go complain all she wants, but people know better.  And if they can't tell the difference between a kind and caring person, and someone malicious, then you're better off being out of their life anyways.  

ETA: Words

redwoodoriginal

I had Hendricks tonight for the first time- YUM!! ( usually I would just have tanqueray in college with my g&ts...) Re: your actual post: don't let it get to you. Even your dad told your mom to stay out of it, so he knows you're doing the right thing. You win at life. Anyone who is someone will know the truth about your sister so it's ok that she says that dumb shit, just vent here and take the high road and ignore ignore ignore.

RebeccaFlower

For your last paragraph, your sister needs to learn that there are consequences to her previous terrible behavior. I absolutely cannot stand when people think others can just move on after being treated like shit. Even if she goes off to other family members, they're probably smart enough to figure out she's BSC.

Chipmunk415

Unless your Mom and Dad start telling other people about BSC sister's "attempt" to make nice and "put the ball in your court" I think I'd take the "oblivious" approach with this nut nut. This is only to be used if you want to consider the possibility of engaging with her.

 By that, I mean if anyone says anything to you about BSC nut nut sister's complaints and her "efforts" to make up, give them a completely blank/confused/wide eyed look, and say "really? Sister NEVER contacted me about this?! I had no idea she wanted to get off the crazy train! Well, you know Sister  and (insert citation to engagement party theatrics and subsequent tantrums)...as touching as it is that she is apparently offering to be in my wedding party to everyone but me, I think it would be tooo....STRESSFUL for her delicate sensibilities." 

Be sickeningly sweet, play up concerned sister to those trying to see your reaction. It will get back to her, and she will lose (what remains of) her damn mind in front of the other people. Let her flip her shit, smile with that drink in hand, and relax without her interference.

FiancB

You are loose from her grasp, so you win. You see her manipulative behavior for exactly what it is and you aren't caving to it, so you win. Fuck what anyone else thinks. 

novella1186

levioosa said:

You handled that really well.  Plus, here's the thing: you know she hasn't changed, and this is just one more example to support it.  Instead of apologizing and speaking directly to you, she tries to feed this to your mother?  That's bullshit.  She knows your mother is the weak spot, so she went there instead to try to manipulate you.  Good for you for shutting it down.

It's not a lose-lose situation for you--you are going to be so much more at peace by standing strong. BSC doesn't stay under wraps.  She can go complain all she wants, but people know better.  And if they can't tell the difference between a kind and caring person, and someone malicious, then you're better off being out of their life anyways.  

ETA: Words

You totally hit the nail on the head with the bolded. It's all a game and a manipulation to her. If this was a genuine attempt to make up, she would be speaking to ME, not to my mother. I just can't stand the under-handed bullshit.

[Deleted User]

LadyMillil

Your BSC sis sounds exactly like my BSC sis. I've posted before about BSC sis kicking me out of her wedding party and that I didn't attend her wedding. I was really worried about what sort of terrible things she would say about me while she was playing the victim over her wedding. DH said to me that if anyone actually believed the shit she was saying about me then they clearly didn't know me at all. From everything you've posted here you are such a sweet and kind person and your sister has let the crazy out in very public ways. If she starts playing the victim and acting like you are this huge jerk, I can't believe that anyone that knows you would believe her - if they do, they really aren't people you want in your life.

novella1186

LadyMillil said:

Your BSC sis sounds exactly like my BSC sis. I've posted before about BSC sis kicking me out of her wedding party and that I didn't attend her wedding. I was really worried about what sort of terrible things she would say about me while she was playing the victim over her wedding. DH said to me that if anyone actually believed the shit she was saying about me then they clearly didn't know me at all. From everything you've posted here you are such a sweet and kind person and your sister has let the crazy out in very public ways. If she starts playing the victim and acting like you are this huge jerk, I can't believe that anyone that knows you would believe her - if they do, they really aren't people you want in your life.

Aw thank you for the bolded! You're totally right. This is the exact same advice I'd give anyone else in my place. I guess it just drive me nuts that she always seems to get away with it. But again, not my problem! (Just need to keep reminding myself of that)

novella1186

pinkrevenge said:

Exactly. If it was a genuine olive branch, she would reach out directly to you and apologize, which she isn't doing. She's telling your mom that is you asked her she'd come back. She's not apologizing, and she is going through your mom to make you grovel. Fuck that.

I'd laugh too. Funny how she thinks 1. that's going to work 2. she didn't burn that bridge and then poison the well below it.

I don't think she knows what consequences are. But if I have to be the one to teach her, then I will gladly do it.

rcher912

NOPE.

Like you already said. NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.

Except I mean just stop your I lose nonsense right there, missy.

Your sister is BSC. This is neither your fault nor your problem.

I don't know the whole thing too well, but my guess is that this is not a secret, you're just the most targeted person (siblings, I know it all too well). 

As PPs have said, it's unlikely too many people will even KNOW there was an "olive branch" of manipulated sorts thrown out there. And those that do probably know your sis well enough to know that it was total bullshit to begin with. 

As you said in your OP, you are happier, healthier, and having more fun without that stress. Keep it movin!!!

I would honestly tell people I didn't understand there was any olive branch to begin with, but that's because I play dirty.

novella1186

Thank you, ladies. I wish you could all talk to my mom and give her the same wisdom/advice you've given me!

My mom thinks I could "regret it forever" if she's not in my wedding party. I think the opposite; I will regret it forever if she IS in the WP cuz she doesn't deserve to be, and I don't need to keep getting walked on. My mom never had siblings, and she's easily manipulated by BSC sister, so she just doesn't get it. At all.

MobKaz

novella1186 said:

levioosa said:

You handled that really well.  Plus, here's the thing: you know she hasn't changed, and this is just one more example to support it.  Instead of apologizing and speaking directly to you, she tries to feed this to your mother?  That's bullshit.  She knows your mother is the weak spot, so she went there instead to try to manipulate you.  Good for you for shutting it down.

It's not a lose-lose situation for you--you are going to be so much more at peace by standing strong. BSC doesn't stay under wraps.  She can go complain all she wants, but people know better.  And if they can't tell the difference between a kind and caring person, and someone malicious, then you're better off being out of their life anyways.  

ETA: Words

You totally hit the nail on the head with the bolded. It's all a game and a manipulation to her. If this was a genuine attempt to make up, she would be speaking to ME, not to my mother. I just can't stand the under-handed bullshit.

This was going to be my point as well.  She did not throw the ball in your court.  She is trying to play in a parallel court hoping the referee intervenes..  She does not, and never will, have the courage to be direct.  Always keep in the forefront how freeing the lack of toxicity makes you feel.  You will never regret being free from that.

novella1186

MobKaz said:

novella1186 said:

levioosa said:

You handled that really well.  Plus, here's the thing: you know she hasn't changed, and this is just one more example to support it.  Instead of apologizing and speaking directly to you, she tries to feed this to your mother?  That's bullshit.  She knows your mother is the weak spot, so she went there instead to try to manipulate you.  Good for you for shutting it down.

It's not a lose-lose situation for you--you are going to be so much more at peace by standing strong. BSC doesn't stay under wraps.  She can go complain all she wants, but people know better.  And if they can't tell the difference between a kind and caring person, and someone malicious, then you're better off being out of their life anyways.  

ETA: Words

You totally hit the nail on the head with the bolded. It's all a game and a manipulation to her. If this was a genuine attempt to make up, she would be speaking to ME, not to my mother. I just can't stand the under-handed bullshit.

This was going to be my point as well.  She did not throw the ball in your court.  She is trying to play in a parallel court hoping the referee intervenes..  She does not, and never will, have the courage to be direct.  Always keep in the forefront how freeing the lack of toxicity makes you feel.  You will never regret being free from that.

You ladies have given me spot-on advice (the bolded) from the very beginning of this mess. The more she's out of my life, the better I feel. The less I deal with her bullshit, and the less I engage, the less stressed out I get. No idea why I put up with it for so long. I guess I didn't realize that cutting her out was even an option thanks to my mom's guilt trips about it. But it has been the best thing ever.

huskypuppy14

novella1186 said:

Thank you, ladies. I wish you could all talk to my mom and give her the same wisdom/advice you've given me!

My mom thinks I could "regret it forever" if she's not in my wedding party. I think the opposite; I will regret it forever if she IS in the WP cuz she doesn't deserve to be, and I don't need to keep getting walked on. My mom never had siblings, and she's easily manipulated by BSC sister, so she just doesn't get it. At all.

Please. Why would you regret it forever? She sucks, so you're right, you'd probably regret having her.

 My mom didn't have her siblings in her wedding party, and neither did her sister or brother. They are good friends. This means absolutely nothing. Your mom is being manipulated by your sister too, and that's not cool. 

novella1186

huskypuppy14 said:

novella1186 said:

Thank you, ladies. I wish you could all talk to my mom and give her the same wisdom/advice you've given me!

My mom thinks I could "regret it forever" if she's not in my wedding party. I think the opposite; I will regret it forever if she IS in the WP cuz she doesn't deserve to be, and I don't need to keep getting walked on. My mom never had siblings, and she's easily manipulated by BSC sister, so she just doesn't get it. At all.

Please. Why would you regret it forever? She sucks, so you're right, you'd probably regret having her.

 My mom didn't have her siblings in her wedding party, and neither did her sister or brother. They are good friends. This means absolutely nothing. Your mom is being manipulated by your sister too, and that's not cool. 

Yep! And I think that's exactly why my sister is constantly running to my mom with this stuff, and giving my mom messages to give to me. If she told me directly "I'll still be your MOH if you just ask me," I would say "no thanks." Instead she said it to my mom to say to me so that when I say "no thanks" I look like an asshole and get guilt-tripped for it. Because my mom actually believes that this is an olive branch from my sister to me. Because that's what my sister told her to think.

OliveOilsMom

You sound like you might be worried about what your relatives would think if your BSC sister starts telling them about you not letting her back in the WP.  If I were a relative or friend who attended your engagement party and saw the antics of your sister, who then approached me later on to tell me how she wasn't allowed back in your WP.  I would very much be having a sorry look on my face to your sister, but thinking in my head how smart you were to keep that toxicity out of your WP.

She doesn't deserve to be in your life by her own actions and no one else's.  That is a loss for her.  You win because you don't have to deal with her shit.  And that will make you always win.

hellosweetie1015

Nope is right.

And forget the "lose-lose" stuff. If she's out of your life, you win. End of story. You don't have the toxicity of her manipulating, cruel, irresponsible personality. You don't have the pain of constantly trying to be her friend when her definition of "friend" changes every two seconds. You don't have the constant disappointment of never having any idea what will please her this second, and if you were to figure out what will please her this second, she'd be shrieking at you the next.

Frankly, if I'd witnessed the fiasco at your engagement party, and then your sister came to me saying that she'd told you she wanted to be in your bridal party if you'd asked her again, I would laugh in her face and say, "After that performance at her engagement party, I'd be surprised if she ever spoke to you again."

sophhabobopha

God. What a craxy bitch.

So glad you're standing strong!

MairePoppy

Honey lavender gelato? I'm intrigued.

novella1186

MairePoppy said:

Honey lavender gelato? I'm intrigued.

It was so very delicious!

theartistformerlyknownas

I didn't even invite my brother to my wedding after the toxic, bullshit things he said to me 2 years ago. I don't care to ever see him again. I regret nothing.

drunkenwitch

Novella, I am so fucking proud of you right now! The longer you stand your ground, the easier it will get.

Chipmunk415

One other thing....in op, you stated bsc sister had thrown the nall back in your court. In my humble opinion, mommy manipulation doesn't count for this.

We are dealing with similar behavior from smil and fil. Putting the ball in their court/extending the olive branch included dh inviting his dad out for lunch twice to talk things out. Not calling his dad's friend or neighbor to say something on our behalf.

For a lovely mental image. ..you're playing basketball on one court and bsc sister is over on the tennis court, using the ball shooter to try and hit you and get your attention.

Sounds to me like your dad is on team novellla for this! Hope the rest of the weekend went ok. We're here with the booze for you!

lovegood90

Just echoing PPs- YOU WIN! No matter what! As long as you continue to not engage and just let her play her games in her corner, YOU WIN. Who cares what the rest of your extended family thinks? If they know you at all they will know what's up. And if they don't, then why do you care about their opinion anyway?