How Not to invite the asshole?

jennyleigh16

I need some advice on dealing with a convoluted family situation. My mom's brother is kind of an asshole. Long story short, his youngest daughter graduated high school and his now ex-wife of 20+ years finally kicked him out after many many years of his substance and alcohol abuse and cheating. It was a very long time coming and I don't blame her in the slightest. He's now dating 3 different women who pay his bills (because he can't hold down a job) who don't know about one another and his 3 daughters aren't speaking to him. A year ago my great aunt passed away and he and my mom were co-executors of her estate. His daughters and ex-wife did not attend the funeral because they didn't want to be near him. At the wake he made several comments to me about engagements and marriage that made me really uncomfortable and further cemented the fact that I didn't really want him at my wedding. I sent Christmas cards/ STDs to his ex-wife and daughters but not to him. I was just planning on not sending him an invitation until he texted me this morning asking for my wedding date because he's planning a trip that month and wants to make sure he doesn't miss it. If I ignore him he'll just keep asking. He's already texted my mom who is leaving it up to me. I know if there's a chance he'll be there then the girls will decline, and I'd much rather have the girls at the wedding than him. I'd be fine with planting my ass firmly on my high horse and telling him that I don't want someone with no respect for the sanctity of marriage at my wedding, but my mom still has to deal with him with the estate stuff for awhile and I don't want to make life difficult for her. Any thoughts or advice welcome! Theres no other family on my mom's side so inviting in circles doesn't really apply. Eta I swear I had paragraphs.

LondonLisa

jennyleigh16 said:

I need some advice on dealing with a convoluted family situation. My mom's brother is kind of an asshole. Long story short, his youngest daughter graduated high school and his now ex-wife of 20+ years finally kicked him out after many many years of his substance and alcohol abuse and cheating. It was a very long time coming and I don't blame her in the slightest. He's now dating 3 different women who pay his bills (because he can't hold down a job) who don't know about one another and his 3 daughters aren't speaking to him. A year ago my great aunt passed away and he and my mom were co-executors of her estate. His daughters and ex-wife did not attend the funeral because they didn't want to be near him. At the wake he made several comments to me about engagements and marriage that made me really uncomfortable and further cemented the fact that I didn't really want him at my wedding. I sent Christmas cards/ STDs to his ex-wife and daughters but not to him. I was just planning on not sending him an invitation until he texted me this morning asking for my wedding date because he's planning a trip that month and wants to make sure he doesn't miss it. If I ignore him he'll just keep asking. He's already texted my mom who is leaving it up to me. I know if there's a chance he'll be there then the girls will decline, and I'd much rather have the girls at the wedding than him. I'd be fine with planting my ass firmly on my high horse and telling him that I don't want someone with no respect for the sanctity of marriage at my wedding, but my mom still has to deal with him with the estate stuff for awhile and I don't want to make life difficult for her. Any thoughts or advice welcome! Theres no other family on my mom's side so inviting in circles doesn't really apply. Eta I swear I had paragraphs.

You just need to bite the bullet and say "John, I'm sorry there was a misunderstanding but we were unable to invite you to the wedding". And then just leave it. Don't offer any excuses or reasons. Don't blame his ex-wife/ daughter. 

Would you like to get a coffee with him if he is in town? I understand you are angry and hurt now but maybe he is trying to be sober/ make amends? I'm certainly not saying you have to forgive and forget, but only if you think he has earned the right to hear him out, maybe end with "I hope you have a nice trip to *our town* and if you are free I would like to get a coffee and hear about what is going on in your life". But again, that is only if you would like. If you just want to cut this person out and have no contact, then that is fine as well. 

zitiqueen

LondonLisa said:

jennyleigh16 said:

I need some advice on dealing with a convoluted family situation. My mom's brother is kind of an asshole. Long story short, his youngest daughter graduated high school and his now ex-wife of 20+ years finally kicked him out after many many years of his substance and alcohol abuse and cheating. It was a very long time coming and I don't blame her in the slightest. He's now dating 3 different women who pay his bills (because he can't hold down a job) who don't know about one another and his 3 daughters aren't speaking to him. A year ago my great aunt passed away and he and my mom were co-executors of her estate. His daughters and ex-wife did not attend the funeral because they didn't want to be near him. At the wake he made several comments to me about engagements and marriage that made me really uncomfortable and further cemented the fact that I didn't really want him at my wedding. I sent Christmas cards/ STDs to his ex-wife and daughters but not to him. I was just planning on not sending him an invitation until he texted me this morning asking for my wedding date because he's planning a trip that month and wants to make sure he doesn't miss it. If I ignore him he'll just keep asking. He's already texted my mom who is leaving it up to me. I know if there's a chance he'll be there then the girls will decline, and I'd much rather have the girls at the wedding than him. I'd be fine with planting my ass firmly on my high horse and telling him that I don't want someone with no respect for the sanctity of marriage at my wedding, but my mom still has to deal with him with the estate stuff for awhile and I don't want to make life difficult for her. Any thoughts or advice welcome! Theres no other family on my mom's side so inviting in circles doesn't really apply. Eta I swear I had paragraphs.

You just need to bite the bullet and say "John, I'm sorry there was a misunderstanding but we were unable to invite you to the wedding". And then just leave it. Don't offer any excuses or reasons. Don't blame his ex-wife/ daughter. 

Would you like to get a coffee with him if he is in town? I understand you are angry and hurt now but maybe he is trying to be sober/ make amends? I'm certainly not saying you have to forgive and forget, but only if you think he has earned the right to hear him out, maybe end with "I hope you have a nice trip to *our town* and if you are free I would like to get a coffee and hear about what is going on in your life". But again, that is only if you would like. If you just want to cut this person out and have no contact, then that is fine as well. 

LOL at all of this.

Don't invite him if you don't want to. You don't owe anybody an explanation as to why they aren't invited. In fact, giving them an explanation gives them ammunition to try to change your mind. Not to mention, telling somebody why they aren't invited is just rude. He'll figure it out when he doesn't get an invitation. And certainly don't get coffee with him just to catch up.

LondonLisa

zitiqueen said:

LondonLisa said:

jennyleigh16 said:

I need some advice on dealing with a convoluted family situation. My mom's brother is kind of an asshole. Long story short, his youngest daughter graduated high school and his now ex-wife of 20+ years finally kicked him out after many many years of his substance and alcohol abuse and cheating. It was a very long time coming and I don't blame her in the slightest. He's now dating 3 different women who pay his bills (because he can't hold down a job) who don't know about one another and his 3 daughters aren't speaking to him. A year ago my great aunt passed away and he and my mom were co-executors of her estate. His daughters and ex-wife did not attend the funeral because they didn't want to be near him. At the wake he made several comments to me about engagements and marriage that made me really uncomfortable and further cemented the fact that I didn't really want him at my wedding. I sent Christmas cards/ STDs to his ex-wife and daughters but not to him. I was just planning on not sending him an invitation until he texted me this morning asking for my wedding date because he's planning a trip that month and wants to make sure he doesn't miss it. If I ignore him he'll just keep asking. He's already texted my mom who is leaving it up to me. I know if there's a chance he'll be there then the girls will decline, and I'd much rather have the girls at the wedding than him. I'd be fine with planting my ass firmly on my high horse and telling him that I don't want someone with no respect for the sanctity of marriage at my wedding, but my mom still has to deal with him with the estate stuff for awhile and I don't want to make life difficult for her. Any thoughts or advice welcome! Theres no other family on my mom's side so inviting in circles doesn't really apply. Eta I swear I had paragraphs.

You just need to bite the bullet and say "John, I'm sorry there was a misunderstanding but we were unable to invite you to the wedding". And then just leave it. Don't offer any excuses or reasons. Don't blame his ex-wife/ daughter. 

Would you like to get a coffee with him if he is in town? I understand you are angry and hurt now but maybe he is trying to be sober/ make amends? I'm certainly not saying you have to forgive and forget, but only if you think he has earned the right to hear him out, maybe end with "I hope you have a nice trip to *our town* and if you are free I would like to get a coffee and hear about what is going on in your life". But again, that is only if you would like. If you just want to cut this person out and have no contact, then that is fine as well. 

LOL at all of this.

Don't invite him if you don't want to. You don't owe anybody an explanation as to why they aren't invited. In fact, giving them an explanation gives them ammunition to try to change your mind. Not to mention, telling somebody why they aren't invited is just rude. He'll figure it out when he doesn't get an invitation. And certainly don't get coffee with him just to catch up.

If OP is continually being asked,  it is fair to respond with "Unfortunately there was a misunderstanding". I didn't intend for her to go out of her way to explain they weren't invited. However, she said she couldn't dodge the question anymore as it was making it complicated with her mother, therefore it is fine to be direct when asked. 

As for getting a coffee- if you actually read what I said you would see that I was asking if OP would like to have this person in her life at all.  She said he is still in her mother's life. It isn't wrong to ask if OP would like to cut him completely out or not. As I said, if she does, that is fine. If she just doesn't want him around the wedding, but isn't ready to cut them out completely- that is fine, too. You don't need to "LOL" at people's complicated relationships with their families. Frankly, you don't even need to "LOL" past the age of 14. 

novella1186

Since he asked you directly, I think you need to tell him directly, "I'm sorry but we weren't able to invite you." And leave it at that. As LondonLisa said, don't offer explanations. Just keep it very short and simple. 

Give your mom a heads up that that's what you're doing just in case your uncle decides to bug her about it. 

I did not invite my dad's sister to my wedding because she's been a total bitch to me my entire life and no one in my family can stand it, plus she stole my grandmother's jewelry (long dramatic story) so why would I want her around on my wedding day? I warned my dad that this is what I was doing, and he totally understood and supported the decision. I told him to throw me under the bus if his sister got upset and wanted to know why she wasn't invited, because I couldn't care less if she's mad at me. So when she called my dad to ask why she wasn't invited (she found out through the grapevine) he said, "I'm sorry, it's Novella's wedding and Novella's guest list." And that was that. 

saric83

I agree with PPs that you certainly don't need to invite him, but I would stay away from the wording of "we weren't able" because that could easily be understood as someone else (aka - whoever is paying) isn't allowing you to.  And if he assumes this person is your mom, that could drag her unfairly in the middle of it. 

Again, I don't think there's anything wrong with not inviting him, but I would just make sure it doesn't deflect upon anyone else.  If it's your decision, own it. 

WhatawagSBNy

For once the direct but less personal route of texting may be better than a personal discussion. Just pick up where he left off. Text him that you have never felt as close to him as other family and friends, and you will not be sending him an invitation. He will know why.

But you need not describe his bad behavior toward family, or lack of proper feeling about marriage, or anything else. That would lead to a pointless and non-productive disagreement.

jennyleigh16

Thank you for all the advice. I don't wish to have any relationship with him going forward. He's smarmy and I have a myriad of other reasons and stories why I don't want him in my life. I was all set to write him back and tell him (politely) that he isn't invited. But my mom, who originally said it's entirely up to me, is now telling me she's losing sleep worrying about dealing with him later on. Even if my mom uses Novella's "it's jennyleigh's wedding and jennyleigh's guest list" I can see him being a douchecanoe to her just out of spite. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to cause trouble for my mom but it makes me ragey to think that I'm basically choosing a person I abhore (and probably the married woman he cheated on my aunt with) over 4 people I actually want there. I think I'll just have to bite the bullet and do this for my mom, but it sucks and I'm not happy about it.

LondonLisa

jennyleigh16 said:

Thank you for all the advice. I don't wish to have any relationship with him going forward. He's smarmy and I have a myriad of other reasons and stories why I don't want him in my life. I was all set to write him back and tell him (politely) that he isn't invited. But my mom, who originally said it's entirely up to me, is now telling me she's losing sleep worrying about dealing with him later on. Even if my mom uses Novella's "it's jennyleigh's wedding and jennyleigh's guest list" I can see him being a douchecanoe to her just out of spite. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to cause trouble for my mom but it makes me ragey to think that I'm basically choosing a person I abhore (and probably the married woman he cheated on my aunt with) over 4 people I actually want there. I think I'll just have to bite the bullet and do this for my mom, but it sucks and I'm not happy about it.

Well, what is the worst he could do? I understand he is the co-executor of the estate, however this is all done in guidance with a solicitor. He cannot act unilaterally. Yes, he can make life difficult, but he cannot single-handedly divvy up the estate. 

He sounds like a bully- someone who manipulates and hurts others to get his way. You need to first talk to your mother and have a frank conversation. Say that you do not want this person in your life, but are willing to invite him for her. It sounds like your Mum and you need to get on the same page. Honestly, I think it is pretty unfair of your mum to throw this on you now after you made the decision. If she is losing sleep over the estate, she should speak with her lawyer and her doctor, not guilt trip you. If this guy is going to make life difficult over this, he is going to make life difficult over anything that isn't his way. If he doesn't get the candelabra from the estate he wanted, he is going to make life difficult. If he doesn't get the terms he wants with rights to the vacation house, he is going to make life difficult. This wedding invitation will not be the end of it.

However, is your Mum paying? She does have a say in the invite list if so. 

jennyleigh16

LondonLisa said:

jennyleigh16 said:

Thank you for all the advice. I don't wish to have any relationship with him going forward. He's smarmy and I have a myriad of other reasons and stories why I don't want him in my life. I was all set to write him back and tell him (politely) that he isn't invited. But my mom, who originally said it's entirely up to me, is now telling me she's losing sleep worrying about dealing with him later on. Even if my mom uses Novella's "it's jennyleigh's wedding and jennyleigh's guest list" I can see him being a douchecanoe to her just out of spite. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to cause trouble for my mom but it makes me ragey to think that I'm basically choosing a person I abhore (and probably the married woman he cheated on my aunt with) over 4 people I actually want there. I think I'll just have to bite the bullet and do this for my mom, but it sucks and I'm not happy about it.

Well, what is the worst he could do? I understand he is the co-executor of the estate, however this is all done in guidance with a solicitor. He cannot act unilaterally. Yes, he can make life difficult, but he cannot single-handedly divvy up the estate. 

He sounds like a bully- someone who manipulates and hurts others to get his way. You need to first talk to your mother and have a frank conversation. Say that you do not want this person in your life, but are willing to invite him for her. It sounds like your Mum and you need to get on the same page. Honestly, I think it is pretty unfair of your mum to throw this on you now after you made the decision. If she is losing sleep over the estate, she should speak with her lawyer and her doctor, not guilt trip you. If this guy is going to make life difficult over this, he is going to make life difficult over anything that isn't his way. If he doesn't get the candelabra from the estate he wanted, he is going to make life difficult. If he doesn't get the terms he wants with rights to the vacation house, he is going to make life difficult. This wedding invitation will not be the end of it.

However, is your Mum paying? She does have a say in the invite list if so. 

My mom is paying for a large portion, yes. You're right, he can't do anything illegal or underhanded but he can just drag his feet and be generally difficult. He already tried to convince my mom that they shouldn't give my other developmentally delayed uncle his share of the inheritance because "he doesn't need the money and won't notice it missing" and that he and my mom should keep it instead. Yeah he's a peach. My mom shut that down real quick.

LtPowers

He's going to be a pill regardless of whether you invite him to the wedding or not. You will long regret not having your cousins there. Do those facts change the calculus of your decision?

Powers  &8^]

flantastic

Tell your mom that giving in to bullies only makes them worse to you, not better.

novella1186

flantastic said:

Tell your mom that giving in to bullies only makes them worse to you, not better.

This. When he sees that his shitty behavior gives him control and leads to him getting what he wants, how do you think he'll behave afterwards? 

southernbelle0915

"I'm sorry, we weren't able to invite everyone." 

I understand the dilemma with the estate, but that's going to be difficult with him no matter what. Like @LondonLisa said, he can't act unilaterally, so he can make it difficult, but he can't DO anything by himself. Your mom is going to have a hell of a time dealing with him whether you invite him to the wedding or not. Whether it's "worse" is subjective at best. 

I wouldn't invite him. It sounds like you don't plan to have a relationship with him in the future and you WANT to foster one with his ex-wife and his daughters.

jennyleigh16

@southernbelle0915‌ You're absolutely correct. I don't have a strong relationship with my aunt or cousins but I want one. I could care less about him. Everyone makes the same fantastic point. I really should not invite him.

futuremrshp

Exactly.  Don't invite him.  Giving in to bullies only makes them worse. It's all good.  You do what's right for you. 

[Deleted User]

novella1186 said:

Since he asked you directly, I think you need to tell him directly, "I'm sorry but we weren't able to invite you." And leave it at that. As LondonLisa said, don't offer explanations. Just keep it very short and simple. 

Give your mom a heads up that that's what you're doing just in case your uncle decides to bug her about it. 

I did not invite my dad's sister to my wedding because she's been a total bitch to me my entire life and no one in my family can stand it, plus she stole my grandmother's jewelry (long dramatic story) so why would I want her around on my wedding day? I warned my dad that this is what I was doing, and he totally understood and supported the decision. I told him to throw me under the bus if his sister got upset and wanted to know why she wasn't invited, because I couldn't care less if she's mad at me. So when she called my dad to ask why she wasn't invited (she found out through the grapevine) he said, "I'm sorry, it's Novella's wedding and Novella's guest list." And that was that. 

I have the Exact. Same. Situation with MY dad's sister, minus the stealing of jewelry.  I hate that woman.

blueeyedkat

Well, either your mom can deal with the estate, as is her responsibility, or you'll have to hire security for your wedding because to person like him, a wedding = unlimited booze, food, drama, spotlight. Do you really want cops to be called to your wedding?

So pick your evil, either he ruins this all for everyone at the wedding (especially you and your FI, and will be the only thing your guest will remember about this wedding, because really nobody will care about the food/decor/you if you have a person like that around) or your mom can be an adult and deal with him head on for the estate issue and make sure to include the estate/probate planner every step of the way.

Additionally, if he's already making travel plans for that time, it's not like he really cares about your wedding. He's probably seeing a 4th gf, who's out of town, and will bring her with him to your wedding but will expect the treatment of a king.

And unless he knows others who can confirm if you got married or had the reception/ceremony, you can just lie to him and say that you haven't confirmed a day yet. Then again, you can also be truthful and just tell him politely he's not invited like you were originally planning to.

jennyleigh16

You all make excellent points. I ended up getting in touch with my aunt (his ex) to get her take on it and she told me she and 2/3 daughters are fine to be near him but the 3rd may be away for school at the time of the wedding anyway. While I was still mulling this over, my mom jumped the gun and told him he was invited. And then emailed my aunt and told her I'm seating them all at the same table! (No way in hell). I know I can't now uninvite my uncle, sadly, but I feel like I need to do some damage control with my aunt. Not very impressed with my mom at the moment... Etf because words are hard.

flantastic

jennyleigh16 said:

You all make excellent points. I ended up getting in touch with my aunt (his ex) to get her take on it and she told me she and 2/3 daughters are fine to be near him but the 3rd may be away for school at the time of the wedding anyway. While I was still mulling this over, my mom jumped the gun and told him he was invited. And then emailed my aunt and told her I'm seating them all at the same table! (No way in hell). I know I can't now uninvite my uncle, sadly, but I feel like I need to do some damage control with my aunt. Not very impressed with my mom at the moment... Etf because words are hard.

Unless your mom is hosting the wedding (I forget whether you said she was) she has no place offering him a verbal invite, so it's not really an invite. If it's your own guest list, you can still not invite him.

jennyleigh16

Yeahhh she's paying for about 85% of it.

flantastic

jennyleigh16 said:

Yeahhh she's paying for about 85% of it.

Then I think you are kind of stuck, as you know. But it's okay to tell him that he will be escorted out if he is an asshole in any way.