Catfishing your SO

melbenso

Since it came up in another thread, I'm genuinely curious.  Has anyone catfished their SO?  Would you?  Under what circumstances?

I had an ex who had a porn blog.  I messaged him on the blog without him knowing it was me (I didn't lie about anything, I just didn't tell him who I was) just to see what he was doing when people messaged him.  We ended up talking about some fantasies over the blog.  I eventually (a few weeks later) told him it was me and he was confused as to why I didn't just ask him about it in the first place, but he wasn't mad. But honestly, I kind of liked being able to test out some fantasies with him not knowing who I was to see if he was interested in them before I brought them up IRL.  I was much more shy then though...

mikenberger

melbenso said:

Since it came up in another thread, I'm genuinely curious.  Has anyone catfished their SO?  Would you?  Under what circumstances?

I had an ex who had a porn blog.  I messaged him on the blog without him knowing it was me (I didn't lie about anything, I just didn't tell him who I was) just to see what he was doing when people messaged him.  We ended up talking about some fantasies over the blog.  I eventually (a few weeks later) told him it was me and he was confused as to why I didn't just ask him about it in the first place, but he wasn't mad. But honestly, I kind of liked being able to test out some fantasies with him not knowing who I was to see if he was interested in them before I brought them up IRL.  I was much more shy then though...

I did it once. Never again. I already had trust issues with this guy and it just cemented it when I pretended to be someone else. Although, it did give me the courage to break up with him. Which resulted in finding out that he had a girlfriend of 8 years that he was living with through the entire duration of our relationship.

melbenso

Yeah, even though it wasn't all that big of a deal to him.  I still feel bad about it sometimes.  And this was years ago.

blabla89

Kind of? In 6th grade my friend and I three-way called my "boyfriend" pretending to be another girl from school to find out if they had a "thing"...does that count?

climbingsingle

No, I've never done that. 

firebabe6519

Never have felt the need to.

emmaaa

blabla89 said:

Kind of? In 6th grade my friend and I three-way called my "boyfriend" pretending to be another girl from school to find out if they had a "thing"...does that count?

This is me. Pre-modern "catfishing"

maeday2

I think in most cases, if you're taking actions like cat fishing, you already know the outcome. 

I had suspicions about my ex cheating. He failed to end our phone call while at a bar one night and I heard him trying to pick up some girl. I then read some FB messages when the opportunity presented itself and there were questionable things there. In my case, I knew that relationship was already on life support so I didn't feel the urge to try to dupe him. I just took my ball and went home. 

theartistformerlyknownas

I catfished my brother's girlfriend at the time with a fake MySpace account. He still doesn't know it was me.

ETA but no, haven't and would never to my own H, or any SO before him.

novella1186

Nope. My intuition is pretty good, so I pretty much knew I was being cheated on without having to snoop, I confronted it, he lied, we broke up, and it was later confirmed that he was definitely cheating on me.

I feel like if you're at the point that you're catfishing your SO, you have more serious problems than just being suspicious that he's cheating. 

pinkcow13

I stated in the other post that I did it once when I was in HS. Ended up catching him red handed (interestingly enough, he was my last relationship before FI, and is now one of my best friends). 

To be honest, I would have to be in the situation to really say if I would catfish at this stage. A few years ago, no doubt I would. I'm a very emotional person, and I used to do a lot of elaborate stuff like that. It's kinda hard for me to picture it with FI because I trust him 100%. I'll admit, that was not always the case. He never did anything really to make me doubt him, but I used to be the chick that would snoop, and I used to be extremely jealous. I was also insecure, so I would read into the smallest things. It took me a lot of maturing and growing up, and being on my own for a bit to get to this point.

I think when it comes to catfishing it all boils down to trust. Like I said, I trust FI. But, if things started happening, and I started seeing red flags of him cheating, then I think I would rather catch him in the act. Or if I could afford it, hire a PI. Once it goes down that route though, it's evident that there are issues in the relationship, and depending on the outcome, the real question to me would be, is it worth salvaging?

Maggie0829

novella1186 said:

Nope. My intuition is pretty good, so I pretty much knew I was being cheated on without having to snoop, I confronted it, he lied, we broke up, and it was later confirmed that he was definitely cheating on me.

I feel like if you're at the point that you're catfishing your SO, you have more serious problems than just being suspicious that he's cheating. 

This.  If I ever felt the need to catfish my H then I would know that our relationship was in the shitter.

sarahufl

Nope.

KatieinBkln

I said this in the other thread too, but I've never catfished and never will. I believe that the only proof a person needs that their relationship isn't working is their own feelings. If I'm so (hypothetically) worried my SO is cheating on me, why on earth isn't THAT enough? Either I have good reasons for being worried and I should go, or I have severe trust issues. Either way, that relationship is probably not a good one to be in as it stands. 

Which is not to say that any mistrust=breakup automatically. But I do think that if one party finds themselves distrusting the other, a come to Jesus talk is in order. And if one party won't "come" (shuts down, minimizes the problem, refuses counselling, etc.)? THEN it's breakup time.

kat1114

I did it in high school before catfishing was a big thing. My first real boyfriend broke up with me, and then I found out he cheated on me and dumped me for that girl (oh high school drama). I had met him on AIM, so I made a new screen name and started talking with him. Since digital cameras weren't a big thing yet, it was acceptable to not have a picture, so I didn't even have to worry about that.

Anyways, after chatting for a week or so, we made plans to meet at the mall. I wanted to go watch him get stood up, but I was afraid he'd see me. Instead, two of my best friends went in my place and reported back how hilarious it was.

Was it mature? Absolutely not, but it made 14 year old me feel a little better. Would I catfish H now? Absolutely not.

jenna8984

Nope. I had a good friend in college who was completely jealous and crazy. She would make ME call numbers that were in her boyfriend's phone (so if he ever confronted her, should could be like nope, wasn't me). I always told her that it was wrong and ridiculous but she did it all the time.

DH & I have always said that ours phones are open books for each other, no passwords or anything. Yet neither of us have ever picked up or looked at the other's because we just know there's nothing there to be suspicious about. I couldn't imagine not having that trust.

flutteringinfl

I had a really nasty not-cool moment in college where I and some other people tried to catfish my ex-roommate because we didn't care for her. She saw through it pretty quickly, which looking back I'm grateful for. I don't think I would ever catfish someone now, especially an SO. Just too many bad things could come of it, plus I don't think I'd have the balls.

bethsmiles

No catfishing for me. Like PPs have said, if it's gotten to that point there are already serious enough issues in the relationship to warrant ending it or counseling.

jenna8984

You know people project their own actions onto others? Well my dickbag ex, when I was 19 was soooo controlling. He was cnstantly accusing me of cheating even though I would never. He wouldn't let me talk to guys in class even if we had group projects, he wouldn't let me go to dinner with a girlfriend because he said we were going out to pick up men. It was just nuts, I was on lockdown at his house. Well being young and naive, I just thought he did it because he was a jerk, I didn't suspect him of anything. Found out after we broke up that he'd cheated and I felt so stupid for not knowing.

blabla89

jenna8984 said:

Nope. I had a good friend in college who was completely jealous and crazy. She would make ME call numbers that were in her boyfriend's phone (so if he ever confronted her, should could be like nope, wasn't me). I always told her that it was wrong and ridiculous but she did it all the time.

DH & I have always said that ours phones are open books for each other, no passwords or anything. Yet neither of us have ever picked up or looked at the other's because we just know there's nothing there to be suspicious about. I couldn't imagine not having that trust.

I had a crazy "friend" like that too. She dated and then broke up with another friend of mine and blocked him on facebook, and whenever I came over she wanted me to log into my account so that she could stalk him and say mean things about any girl in his pictures. Afterward I would tell my other friend about it and we'd laugh about how freaking crazy she was. Eventually she flipped on me (this was years ago) and still goes around saying nasty things about me to this day. I wonder whose facebook account she's using to lurk me...

photokitty

I have never catfishes a SO, but I have searched the hell out of them before they were my SO.

When internet dating I feel it is prudent and important to your safety to find out everything you can before you meet a stranger. So I have searched online court databases and googled anyone I have dated since college.

This advice helped my friend not date a child predator. It did not save me from dating a pathological liar without any criminal history or online presence who I had to get a RO against. I have learned to be just a leery of no online presence at all - unless stye have a really good, credible and proven excuse. 

I'm much more likely to snoop than catfish. DH I have an open information policy, if I want to look at his phone or vice versa - no problem. The second the others starts hiding stuff or not allowing the open flow of information, then we would have a HUGE problem.

maeday2

jenna8984 said:

Nope. I had a good friend in college who was completely jealous and crazy. She would make ME call numbers that were in her boyfriend's phone (so if he ever confronted her, should could be like nope, wasn't me). I always told her that it was wrong and ridiculous but she did it all the time.

I have a friend like this. She checked her boyfriend's phone records and called numbers to see who they were. They ended up married. He was always faithful. She wasn't. They're divorced. 

Exhibit A in projecting your actions/feelings onto someone else. 

Couggal12

Nope, never had. I did have a friend who used to make up fake screen names on AIM and message her BF in high school to see if he was cheating. That was catfishing back in the day, I guess. 

novella1186

jenna8984 said:

You know people project their own actions onto others? Well my dickbag ex, when I was 19 was soooo controlling. He was cnstantly accusing me of cheating even though I would never. He wouldn't let me talk to guys in class even if we had group projects, he wouldn't let me go to dinner with a girlfriend because he said we were going out to pick up men. It was just nuts, I was on lockdown at his house. Well being young and naive, I just thought he did it because he was a jerk, I didn't suspect him of anything. Found out after we broke up that he'd cheated and I felt so stupid for not knowing.

This sounds like the psycho guy I dated in high school. I always knew when he was cheating on me because he accused me of being a whore and "fucking every guy in school" and would steal my phone to look through it. The more he cheated, the more he got paranoid of me cheating (although I never did. I'm a super loyal, honest person, even to that piece of shit). He also broke into my e-mail and read every e-mail I had, and then sent messages to any guy he came across pretending to be me and saying horrible things, telling them to "stay away" from me. Wow, can't believe our relationship didn't last... 

flyingfoxes

No - FI and I know each other's passwords so if we felt the need we could go on and look at each other's computers/phones, whatever.  I wouldn't be comfortable with trying to trick someone. 

 

That being said, I did find my ex's profile on PlentyofFish once, and happily pasted it on his FB wall with a "good luck!" comment.  I wish I would have been smart enough to ditch him at that point, but no - it took the woman he'd been banging for 10 months to find me on Facebook for me to finally cut the cord, but I'm so happy she found me and made it easy to finally do so! 

lyndausvi

No I haven't.   We didn't even have the internet and cell phones in my younger years.  Well they were around (hello big ass bag phones that cost $1 a minute), but not used to the extent it is now.

I did spy on an ex-BF though.  My gut said he was cheating, he played on my insecurities and made me feel like I was  making it all up.    Of course, I caught him.   

 The experience actually made me a better, more secure person though.  From then on I just trusted my gut and didn't stoop down to having to spy, catfish, etc.   If my gut said it didn't feel right I just ended it.  

DH is too technology challenged to do anything online anyway.   I have to help him with most things to do with computer stuff.  I even have to help him download apps on his phone.  It's sad.   

The cell phones are in my name. He doesn't even have the passwords.  He could if he asked, he never has.  I do have them in a "in case of an emergency" file for him.   Anyway, I could look over who he calls but I rarely do.  The only time I do is when the bill is higher than normal.  Those are always a result in him calling his BFF in Anguilla.    Then I just get mad and say "FUCKING USE ONE OF THE WIFI APPS INSTEAD OF PAYING INTERNATIONAL  CELL PHONE RATES".    Geez, grinds my gears I tell you.

DH uses his phone for work (club pays a portion of the bill). He has a work phone, but since he is mostly in the kitchen no one calls him on that line.  I would drive myself crazy if I tried to figure out who he was calling.  He's got fish people all over the country, members calling him directly, bakers, distributors, I'm tired just thinking about it. 

JennyColada

Nope.

We did meet online, so I guess I could have easily (probably would have just used it to snoop on things related to me though!), but the idea never even entered my head.

Also I'm really trusting.

climbingsingle

I do remember a friend in HS suspecting her boyfriend was cheating. She switched out his beeper (bought the same exact one, and then switched them out when he wasn't looking). She then got all of his pages and he did have a girl paging him that he was dating on the side. 

Ah, the 90s. 

Inkdancer

I have never felt the need to do anything like that with H. He is just... not that kind of guy. Hell, he feels guilty when other ladies hit on him and he turns them down. He tells me about it like he's sorry anyone even sees him as hot anymore. 

So no, no catfishing. If I felt I couldn't trust him completely, that would be a bad sign. 

melbenso

I know H's phone password, but I would never look through his calls or messages.  I have looked at our/his cell phone bill though.  But that was because we were getting notifications that we had used almost all our data very early in the month, it was almost all billed to his phone and I was trying to figure out why.  I was curious about one of the numbers he was texting a lot, so I asked him who it was (A friend I didn't know who was going through some hard times with her husband.  He was being supportive.)

I don't know if H knows my password, but I would tell him if he asked.  I have no concerns about him going through my calls or messages.  He has my computer password and his computer isn't password protected.

Neither of us has any online accounts or anything that the other doesn't know about - we've discussed it.

LadyMillil

Nope. Like PP if it gets to the point that I want to catfish my SO it's probably time to end the relationship.