Getting Pregnant 'On the sly'

theycallmelinz

TL;DR: Would you ever secretly intentionally get pregnant behind SO's back if he's wasn't 100% on board with having kids yet?

I'm full of questions today! I guess because I've been super busy at work and at home so I took a little mini-hiatus from social media (including TK) so now I want to make up for lost time. Plus there's been lots of discussion about babies on here lately, so I have another topic to throw in the mix.

I work with a TON of women (nature of the job) and several are pregnant right now. I've had "baby fever" slowly simmering for a little while and I kind of feel like I'd be ready to start TTC probably right after the wedding. FI, not so much. He wants to wait until we're a bit more financially stable (which I agree with) and have done some more living. I was talking about this to a coworker and made the statement, "I'd love to have kids right away but FI isn't quite on board yet." Her response was that I should just stop using birth control and not tell him.

I was a little taken aback. That seems really shady to me. Plus, I have Nexplanon in my arm so I'm pretty sure he'd notice me coming home one day with a bandage on my arm and me whining about the pain. I'm a huge wimp, I'd definitely whine. But even if I was on the pill, there's no way I could skip some pills on purpose and not tell FI. I understand that accidents do happen all the time, but I'm talking about purposely messing with your BC in order to get pregnant.

What do you think? Would you allow yourself to 'accidentally' get pregnant on purpose, or would you be honest with SO/not actively start TTC until he agrees to?

maeday2

Hell to the no. 

Why would I want children with someone who admittedly is not ready/doesn't want to have children?

firebabe6519

I feel like this falls into the same category as buying a pre-peed upon piss stick to "make that man your forever." Definitely wouldn't ever do this to my SO.

mikenberger

No. Hell no. That's called "entrapment" and shady business. 

theycallmelinz

Yeah... the coworker who said this to me is currently pregnant but not even 3 months ago was telling me how she was considering leaving her husband for a few days "to teach him a lesson." After the latest conversation I was like "Ah..it all makes sense now."

behsco90

No way.  I've joked about it, because FI wants to wait longer than I do (doesn't help that I'm 4 years older than him so my clock is ticking!) but I would never ever actually do it.

LadyMillil

No way. This falls into the same category as pressuring a person to marry you - why would you want to have a baby with someone that isn't ready for that?

thisismynickname2

I would never, ever, ever do that. 

I acknowledge that legitimate accidents happen with birth control, but I believe one should never intentionally bring a child into the world that isn't wanted. My best friend is a teacher and it devastates her to see how so many of her children are treated by parents. Even just parents who thought that having a child was just something that's expected of them.  

If one part of a couple isn't ready, the couple isn't ready, in my opinion. 

Maggie0829

No.  No, no, no, no, no.  

[Deleted User]

theartistformerlyknownas

Big fat fuck no. How the hell are you supposed to expect your partner to be trustworthy if you (general you) aren't?! 

flutteringinfl

That's how I was made, apparently. My dad kept putting off wanting to start having kids, so my mom decided he really did want kids but would never make the decision on his own, so she stopped taking her BC pills on the sly and then was all, "Oh hey, I'm preggers!"

I'm glad that I was born. But I would not do that to my husband.

emmaaa

Nope.

Women who do that are BSC and that should be a sign of not the right type of person to marry.

climbingsingle

No no no no no no no. I think that's an incredibly shitty and dishonest thing to do to your partner. 

[Deleted User]

huskypuppy14

Absolutely not, because it's dishonest and shady.

 If your husband/FI/boyfriend thinks you are on the pill (or whatever) you need to tell him that you are going off it. It's totally your decision, but he needs to know so if he doesn't want children, he can make that decision for himself (condoms, abstinence, whatever).

amelisha

NO. That is a recipe for resentment and unhappiness that's going to last the rest of your lives. I would never poison my relationship intentionally.

flyingfoxes

No way in hell.

loveislouder

Okay. I have serious thoughts about this - the first one being it's ridiculous.

Why would you do that to someone? If he isn't ready, he isn't ready. I would never. That just makes me so mad.

theycallmelinz

Ha so we're all in agreement. So much for a controversial topic! haha.

I know that FI would be okay if I got pregnant because we've talked about it and agreed that if a baby came before we were necessarily 'trying' that we would just accommodate that and have the child, but I could never go behind his back and do it on purpose while letting him think it was an accident.

VulgarGirl

Yeah if Wifey got pregnant "on the sly" I'd be asking a lot of questions.

theycallmelinz

MagicInk said:

Yeah if Wifey got pregnant "on the sly" I'd be asking a lot of questions.

Haha as would I. A full on "Lucyyyyy you got some 'splainin to do!"

holyguacamole79

theycallmelinz said:

TL;DR: Would you ever secretly intentionally get pregnant behind SO's back if he's wasn't 100% on board with having kids yet?

What do you think? Would you allow yourself to 'accidentally' get pregnant on purpose, or would you be honest with SO/not actively start TTC until he agrees to?

NO

FiancB

No way. I have the baby rabies pretty bad and we've talked a lot about having kids, and we probably will decide to go for it sooner than later with me being ready a little before him, but no way. It's using someone's body without their permission and that's basically the shittiest thing a person can do. 

levioosa

Hell no.  That is super shady and a great way to destroy a marriage.  An accident is one thing, but deceitfully getting pregnant on purpose?  NOPE. 

The were a few stories on the thread a few days ago about parents resenting their kids/partner when the partner got pregnant on purpose despite prior agreement not to have children.  None of those stories ended in a happy way. How could they?  It's such a disrespectful and untrustworthy thing to do. 

ETA: I feel the same thing could also happen in the opposite direction.  You and your husband agree to have kids, and you're so excited, but he secretly goes out and gets a vasectomy so you won't have them.  Different situation, same principles apply. 

bethsmiles

Fuck no. That is such a huge violation of someone's trust. Having a baby is a big fucking deal, you don't force that on someone before they are ready.

Obviously, accidents happen but that's so different than choosing to deceive your partner and basically say "Well I know you aren't ready for this, but I am so your feelings don't matter at all". It's just so disrespectful and horrible...ugh I'm really disgusted that anyone would think that it's an okay thing to do.

[Deleted User]

southernbelle0915

Nope.

I was going to say it would be like H going behind my back and taking a job across the country, buying a house there and then announcing "we're moving!" But it's not even comparable because those are plans that can change. Having a baby is on a whole new level.

This is why you discuss timelines and dealbreakers BEFORE you get married.

photokitty

No, never, what a wretched suggestion by a manipulative person.

I've heard the "if he's not ready then we just won't do anything that will result in children" ultimatum, which while childish, is at least up front and honest.

[Deleted User]

WhatawagSBNy

For the death of a marriage, and a child who may always be resented by one parent, this would do it. NO